Sister-in-Law doesn't want to be a parent

[Anonymous]

OK let's get to the point here. No one cares about why he called (the book in she left) or why you weren't there (picking up a stuffed animal).... etc. TL; DR. Point is - this isn't about SIL and it's sure as hell not about the kid (and damn you're heartless if you truly teach preschool - 7 is a sweet, fun, helpful age). It's about you. You wanted your help, on your terms, and the kid wanted to be with his Grandma what, 2 hours early? Big freaking deal.

This will turn into one of those threads where you don't hear what you want and become more and more defensive, but a bunch of people are saying you come off like a real B here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Going to answer a few things.

Wait - you made your MIL do the heavy lifting while YOU watched the baby?

MIL didn't do heavy lifting. She moved some boxes into the van. I packed boxes while keeping an eye on baby. He's clingy lately. We're not comfortable just popping him into the pack n play and leaving him out of sight. He'll scream bloody murder if we do that. It's not ideal, but it is what it is right now.

My MIL is really young. Mid-50s and runs 10k races. Please don't think I'm asking little 70 year old granny to do these things. The actual furniture moving was DH and his cousin.

I'm wondering how you are so sure your SIL is a bad parent - you, with all your experience parenting a single 5 month old baby?

Seeing as MIL comments on SIL's poor parenting, unprompted, with regularity, I'm pretty comfortable calling her a poor parent. MIL expressed shock to me and DH at the comments SIL made when dropping off TK. According to DH it came up again today when he called to say he put the book she left behind in the mail.

Blah blah blah. Having an IL or parent help you move is not typical. I think the last time my parents helped with that I was in college. You can't be bothered with your nephew but you want everyone to believe you hate his mom because she's a bad mother. Doesn't work both ways. You don't like her because she inconvenienced you. Life is full of inconveniences. Especially when you are too cheap to pay for proper movers/childcare.

[Anonymous]

OP, if you are ever a grandma to a kid you feel is ignored at home, you'd never turn him away. You would do exactly what your MIL did and say it's fine. You know it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MIL agreed to come down to help with the move. The plan, which I confirmed Friday night, was she was coming Saturday night. Sunday morning and early afternoon we would do the move. Sunday late afternoon, TK would be dropped off at my new place so he could go home with Grandma. MIL offered to take TK after she knew she'd be in town to help us. SIL changed that unilaterally with zero notice.

DH and I have spent years showering attention on TK. We know he is basically persona non grata at his own home. We put forth extra effort to engage him whenever we are together. We frequently offer to take him to the park, pool, playground, etc. but very rarely does SIL take us up on the offer. But we cannot be substitute parents at the drop of the hat because SIL decides she doesn't want to parent any more that day.

MIL is not local. She lives 3 hours away.

Actually, yes you can, especially when the kid has been put in a crappy situation.

My father traveled a lot when I was a young kid. My mom's youngest brother (only 19 years older than me) always showed up to my little league and basketball games as well as school stuff when my father was traveling. I once asked him why he showed up: "because when I was in junior high school your father is the only one who showed up to my stuff even though he was only dating your mom at the time."

TK is old enough that he will remember this stuff. Keep your eye on the ball.

This is lovely, pp.

NP - echo this comment. A good reminder of how much the little things really do count - thank you for that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MIL agreed to come down to help with the move. The plan, which I confirmed Friday night, was she was coming Saturday night. Sunday morning and early afternoon we would do the move. Sunday late afternoon, TK would be dropped off at my new place so he could go home with Grandma. MIL offered to take TK after she knew she'd be in town to help us. SIL changed that unilaterally with zero notice.

DH and I have spent years showering attention on TK. We know he is basically persona non grata at his own home. We put forth extra effort to engage him whenever we are together. We frequently offer to take him to the park, pool, playground, etc. but very rarely does SIL take us up on the offer. But we cannot be substitute parents at the drop of the hat because SIL decides she doesn't want to parent any more that day.

MIL is not local. She lives 3 hours away.

Actually, yes you can, especially when the kid has been put in a crappy situation.

My father traveled a lot when I was a young kid. My mom's youngest brother (only 19 years older than me) always showed up to my little league and basketball games as well as school stuff when my father was traveling. I once asked him why he showed up: "because when I was in junior high school your father is the only one who showed up to my stuff even though he was only dating your mom at the time."

TK is old enough that he will remember this stuff. Keep your eye on the ball.

This is so sweet.

Did your dad come to your stuff when he could? Or was he just over it?

Once my dad's career settled down, he was there for everything. Hell, my school was downtown near his office and he would get up at 4:00 and have me dropped off in time for 5:00 am practice iduring high school (until I got my driver's license senior year). Never was much into "coaching" me or criticizing the officials/coach, but he was always in the stands stoically watching with my mother.

[Anonymous]

Can you all stop being so dramatic. No one is suggesting that they left TK alone all day or berated him for having a shitty mother. The fact of the matter is that op is valid in her feelings that the plan for the day was to get something pretty big accomplished. She has one child, so it's not unreasonable that she doesn't want to randomly have to watch out for an additional child while moving homes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you all stop being so dramatic. No one is suggesting that they left TK alone all day or berated him for having a shitty mother. The fact of the matter is that op is valid in her feelings that the plan for the day was to get something pretty big accomplished. She has one child, so it's not unreasonable that she doesn't want to randomly have to watch out for an additional child while moving homes.

Agreed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you are ever a grandma to a kid you feel is ignored at home, you'd never turn him away. You would do exactly what your MIL did and say it's fine. You know it.

+1! I am a grandma in this situation and do whatever I can to give my grandson a fuller life! My own grandma did the same for me - she was my favorite safe place away from neglectful and abusive parents. It sounds like she also helps out at your home OP and will love and care for your child as well! Strange that you say you're trying to alienate your husband's family, yet complain about this...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you all stop being so dramatic. No one is suggesting that they left TK alone all day or berated him for having a shitty mother. The fact of the matter is that op is valid in her feelings that the plan for the day was to get something pretty big accomplished. She has one child, so it's not unreasonable that she doesn't want to randomly have to watch out for an additional child while moving homes.

Agreed.

I agree as well. The bitching and piling on of OP is totally unwarranted. It's ONE DAY out of many that OP and MIL have stepped in to support this child. She has every right to her feelings. And, SIL would be hearing it from me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you all stop being so dramatic. No one is suggesting that they left TK alone all day or berated him for having a shitty mother. The fact of the matter is that op is valid in her feelings that the plan for the day was to get something pretty big accomplished. She has one child, so it's not unreasonable that she doesn't want to randomly have to watch out for an additional child while moving homes.

Thank you. Last weekend was just one example of SIL's behavior, and I needed to vent because it added a ton of stress to an already challenging day. I'm fascinated by the responses I got here, because DH, MIL, and DH's cousin all had the same reaction I did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you are ever a grandma to a kid you feel is ignored at home, you'd never turn him away. You would do exactly what your MIL did and say it's fine. You know it.

+1! I am a grandma in this situation and do whatever I can to give my grandson a fuller life! My own grandma did the same for me - she was my favorite safe place away from neglectful and abusive parents. It sounds like she also helps out at your home OP and will love and care for your child as well! Strange that you say you're trying to alienate your husband's family, yet complain about this...

It was a joke. If after 17 years I haven't completely alienated my DH's family, despite the fact that according to DCUM says I'm the biggest beeeyotch to ever exist, I'm clearly not trying hard enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you all stop being so dramatic. No one is suggesting that they left TK alone all day or berated him for having a shitty mother. The fact of the matter is that op is valid in her feelings that the plan for the day was to get something pretty big accomplished. She has one child, so it's not unreasonable that she doesn't want to randomly have to watch out for an additional child while moving homes.

Agreed.

I know - all of this stuff about the moving and the arrangements for one day are detracting from the larger issue- SIL doesn't seem to want to parent and is willing to inconvenience other people and make her young child feel like a burden.
Other family members care for the child but sometimes it's terrible timing. SIL dropped son off because she didn't want to take care of him, not because she had an emergency. Moving is hard work and it's usually time sensitive- having a young boy around during a move makes it harder no matter how many jobs you give them.

[Anonymous]

I suppose the lesson here is that venting is risky. People will delight in putting things in perspective for you, as snarkily as they can (I was one of them).

If you can at all work through your feelings yourself, do so, and content yourself with being snarky on other people's posts

[Anonymous]

I don't see how SIL is that bad.

OP sounds very judgmental. SIL has three kids, two of whom are stepkids (and it's difficult to know the dynamics of that situation). So she lets her son spend time with grandma.

OP sounds a little dramatic.

[Anonymous]

Hire movers. Problem solved.

People are so cheap.