Sister-in-Law doesn't want to be a parent

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your MIL is a saint.

Please try not to say that you don't want your nephew there while he's in the vicinity - kids can feel when they're not wanted and it hurts.

But I completely understand your frustration at your SIL - sounds like she's not all there, honestly.

I didn't, and I apologize for not making that clear in my OP. I teach pre-school; I would never speak negatively of a child in front of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:MIL agreed to come down to help with the move. The plan, which I confirmed Friday night, was she was coming Saturday night. Sunday morning and early afternoon we would do the move. Sunday late afternoon, TK would be dropped off at my new place so he could go home with Grandma. MIL offered to take TK after she knew she'd be in town to help us. SIL changed that unilaterally with zero notice.

DH and I have spent years showering attention on TK. We know he is basically persona non grata at his own home. We put forth extra effort to engage him whenever we are together. We frequently offer to take him to the park, pool, playground, etc. but very rarely does SIL take us up on the offer. But we cannot be substitute parents at the drop of the hat because SIL decides she doesn't want to parent any more that day.

MIL is not local. She lives 3 hours away.

She didn't ask you to watch him. She asked MIL to watch him, which MIL obviously wanted to do, vs helping you move ("we get to spend more time together!")

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:MIL agreed to come down to help with the move. The plan, which I confirmed Friday night, was she was coming Saturday night. Sunday morning and early afternoon we would do the move. Sunday late afternoon, TK would be dropped off at my new place so he could go home with Grandma. MIL offered to take TK after she knew she'd be in town to help us. SIL changed that unilaterally with zero notice.

DH and I have spent years showering attention on TK. We know he is basically persona non grata at his own home. We put forth extra effort to engage him whenever we are together. We frequently offer to take him to the park, pool, playground, etc. but very rarely does SIL take us up on the offer. But we cannot be substitute parents at the drop of the hat because SIL decides she doesn't want to parent any more that day.

MIL is not local. She lives 3 hours away.

Actually, yes you can, especially when the kid has been put in a crappy situation.

My father traveled a lot when I was a young kid. My mom's youngest brother (only 19 years older than me) always showed up to my little league and basketball games as well as school stuff when my father was traveling. I once asked him why he showed up: "because when I was in junior high school your father is the only one who showed up to my stuff even though he was only dating your mom at the time."

TK is old enough that he will remember this stuff. Keep your eye on the ball.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:MIL agreed to come down to help with the move. The plan, which I confirmed Friday night, was she was coming Saturday night. Sunday morning and early afternoon we would do the move. Sunday late afternoon, TK would be dropped off at my new place so he could go home with Grandma. MIL offered to take TK after she knew she'd be in town to help us. SIL changed that unilaterally with zero notice.

DH and I have spent years showering attention on TK. We know he is basically persona non grata at his own home. We put forth extra effort to engage him whenever we are together. We frequently offer to take him to the park, pool, playground, etc. but very rarely does SIL take us up on the offer. But we cannot be substitute parents at the drop of the hat because SIL decides she doesn't want to parent any more that day.

MIL is not local. She lives 3 hours away.

None of this justifies you making it clear TK wasn't wanted in his presence. Your MIL is doing you a damn favor, the second she said it was fine you should have dropped it. You ar basically complaining that the free childcare you got had to be split with another person without your prior approval. Get. A. Grip.

[Anonymous]

That child needed your MIL more than you did. He can't help who his mom is. Stop being so selfish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MIL agreed to come down to help with the move. The plan, which I confirmed Friday night, was she was coming Saturday night. Sunday morning and early afternoon we would do the move. Sunday late afternoon, TK would be dropped off at my new place so he could go home with Grandma. MIL offered to take TK after she knew she'd be in town to help us. SIL changed that unilaterally with zero notice.

DH and I have spent years showering attention on TK. We know he is basically persona non grata at his own home. We put forth extra effort to engage him whenever we are together. We frequently offer to take him to the park, pool, playground, etc. but very rarely does SIL take us up on the offer. But we cannot be substitute parents at the drop of the hat because SIL decides she doesn't want to parent any more that day.

MIL is not local. She lives 3 hours away.

Actually, yes you can, especially when the kid has been put in a crappy situation.

My father traveled a lot when I was a young kid. My mom's youngest brother (only 19 years older than me) always showed up to my little league and basketball games as well as school stuff when my father was traveling. I once asked him why he showed up: "because when I was in junior high school your father is the only one who showed up to my stuff even though he was only dating your mom at the time."

TK is old enough that he will remember this stuff. Keep your eye on the ball.

This is lovely, pp.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MIL agreed to come down to help with the move. The plan, which I confirmed Friday night, was she was coming Saturday night. Sunday morning and early afternoon we would do the move. Sunday late afternoon, TK would be dropped off at my new place so he could go home with Grandma. MIL offered to take TK after she knew she'd be in town to help us. SIL changed that unilaterally with zero notice.

DH and I have spent years showering attention on TK. We know he is basically persona non grata at his own home. We put forth extra effort to engage him whenever we are together. We frequently offer to take him to the park, pool, playground, etc. but very rarely does SIL take us up on the offer. But we cannot be substitute parents at the drop of the hat because SIL decides she doesn't want to parent any more that day.

MIL is not local. She lives 3 hours away.

None of this justifies you making it clear TK wasn't wanted in his presence. Your MIL is doing you a damn favor, the second she said it was fine you should have dropped it. You ar basically complaining that the free childcare you got had to be split with another person without your prior approval. Get. A. Grip.

So much this.

[Anonymous]

I understand being annoyed, op. Your sil sucks. But you can still do what you needed to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She hasn't actually said that, but it's pretty obvious. She has one child from her first marriage (7yo boy) and two stepdaughters (12 and 17). I never see her interact with any of the kids. For her son, this has long resulted in him acting out in a desperate bid for attention, any attention, from any adult. We'll go out to dinner, and the extent of her interactions with the kid are "what do you want, chicken finger or mac & cheese?" If she has the chance to foist of responsibility for watching the kid at a park or playground on another adult, she does, but without asking. She'll just go off with her husband and assume someone will watch the kid.

But this all came to a head this past weekend and I'm pretty pissed. DH and I moved (just a couple of blocks away) and MIL came down with her cargo van to help. We have a 5 month old, which made things challenging. MIL was to take SIL's son (henceforth "TK") Sunday afternoon and bring him to "Camp Grandma" for the week. SIL's family went on vacation the week prior and returned home Saturday night.

Sunday, we're moving the furniture. I realized I left my baby's favorite stuff animal at a friend's house Saturday, so ran to pick it up while my DH picked up the rental truck and MIL waited at the house with baby. I return to find SIL there at 10:30 am, dropping of TK, with no warning. "He said he was ready to go to Grandma, so I'm dropping him off!" Um, say what? This is not a great situation for a 7 year old. "Oh, and I didn't get a chance to feed him breakfast, so he's hungry." Grrrrrrrrrr.

But then, when MIL asks what big plans SIL has for the day, her response was "I just spent 7 day in a row with three kids. I'm exhausted! I'm going back to bed." What. Da. Fuq. You're a parent. This is kind of what you signed up for. Oh, poor baby, seven days with your children, the horror, the horror! "It was just non-stop 'Mom, Mom, Mom. Mom, watch this! Mom, take my picture! Mom, who made the best sandcastle? Even when I said 'Mom is off duty' they kept bugging me!"

I'm trying to explain to her that, no, this is not going to work, I do not need an attention-starved 7 year old underfoot while trying to move all our big furniture and unpack the new place. MIL didn't help at all by saying things like "It's fine, it's fine, it'll give us more time together."

I'm just so over this. She's so selfish. I feel so bad for her kid, but, frankly, it's not my responsibility to basically be a substitute parent just because she would rather be doing things other than parenting. Unfortunately, she lives nearby and DH is less willing to curtail our interactions with SIL. But one of these days, I fear I'm going to snap at her and it will be ugly.

Vent over. Thanks for reading.

You sound like a real peach, OP. Mark my words, this family will distance themselves from you soon enough. Better take advantage of MIL while you can!

Joke's on you. I've been trying to alienate them for 17 years and they just keep coming around!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MIL agreed to come down to help with the move. The plan, which I confirmed Friday night, was she was coming Saturday night. Sunday morning and early afternoon we would do the move. Sunday late afternoon, TK would be dropped off at my new place so he could go home with Grandma. MIL offered to take TK after she knew she'd be in town to help us. SIL changed that unilaterally with zero notice.

DH and I have spent years showering attention on TK. We know he is basically persona non grata at his own home. We put forth extra effort to engage him whenever we are together. We frequently offer to take him to the park, pool, playground, etc. but very rarely does SIL take us up on the offer. But we cannot be substitute parents at the drop of the hat because SIL decides she doesn't want to parent any more that day.

MIL is not local. She lives 3 hours away.

None of this justifies you making it clear TK wasn't wanted in his presence. Your MIL is doing you a damn favor, the second she said it was fine you should have dropped it. You ar basically complaining that the free childcare you got had to be split with another person without your prior approval. Get. A. Grip.

Again, I did not say I didn't want TK there in front of him. I expressed to his lousy good-for-nothing mother, while he was inside with grandma, that dropping him off in the morning was not what we agreed.

MIL was not there for childcare. She volunteered her time, labor, and van when we told her we were moving. I was the one watching the baby except for the brief time I had to pick up his toy--because MIL and I agreed it was easier to leave baby with her because he hates riding in the car. The rest of the day, he was my responsibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MIL agreed to come down to help with the move. The plan, which I confirmed Friday night, was she was coming Saturday night. Sunday morning and early afternoon we would do the move. Sunday late afternoon, TK would be dropped off at my new place so he could go home with Grandma. MIL offered to take TK after she knew she'd be in town to help us. SIL changed that unilaterally with zero notice.

DH and I have spent years showering attention on TK. We know he is basically persona non grata at his own home. We put forth extra effort to engage him whenever we are together. We frequently offer to take him to the park, pool, playground, etc. but very rarely does SIL take us up on the offer. But we cannot be substitute parents at the drop of the hat because SIL decides she doesn't want to parent any more that day.

MIL is not local. She lives 3 hours away.

None of this justifies you making it clear TK wasn't wanted in his presence. Your MIL is doing you a damn favor, the second she said it was fine you should have dropped it. You ar basically complaining that the free childcare you got had to be split with another person without your prior approval. Get. A. Grip.

Again, I did not say I didn't want TK there in front of him. I expressed to his lousy good-for-nothing mother, while he was inside with grandma, that dropping him off in the morning was not what we agreed.

MIL was not there for childcare. She volunteered her time, labor, and van when we told her we were moving. I was the one watching the baby except for the brief time I had to pick up his toy--because MIL and I agreed it was easier to leave baby with her because he hates riding in the car. The rest of the day, he was my responsibility.

Wait - you made your MIL do the heavy lifting while YOU watched the baby?

Take my advice. Please stop. You come off worse and worse with each post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MIL agreed to come down to help with the move. The plan, which I confirmed Friday night, was she was coming Saturday night. Sunday morning and early afternoon we would do the move. Sunday late afternoon, TK would be dropped off at my new place so he could go home with Grandma. MIL offered to take TK after she knew she'd be in town to help us. SIL changed that unilaterally with zero notice.

DH and I have spent years showering attention on TK. We know he is basically persona non grata at his own home. We put forth extra effort to engage him whenever we are together. We frequently offer to take him to the park, pool, playground, etc. but very rarely does SIL take us up on the offer. But we cannot be substitute parents at the drop of the hat because SIL decides she doesn't want to parent any more that day.

MIL is not local. She lives 3 hours away.

Actually, yes you can, especially when the kid has been put in a crappy situation.

My father traveled a lot when I was a young kid. My mom's youngest brother (only 19 years older than me) always showed up to my little league and basketball games as well as school stuff when my father was traveling. I once asked him why he showed up: "because when I was in junior high school your father is the only one who showed up to my stuff even though he was only dating your mom at the time."

TK is old enough that he will remember this stuff. Keep your eye on the ball.

This is so sweet.

Did your dad come to your stuff when he could? Or was he just over it?

[Anonymous]

I understand why you are annoyed. But, TK is just a kid and MIL did the right thing.

[Anonymous]

I'm wondering how you are so sure your SIL is a bad parent - you, with all your experience parenting a single 5 month old baby?

And yes you all collectively seem willing to pile a lot of work on your MIL ...

Also not seeing the huge deal having a 7 yr old around while moving?

[Anonymous]

OP here. Going to answer a few things.

Wait - you made your MIL do the heavy lifting while YOU watched the baby?

MIL didn't do heavy lifting. She moved some boxes into the van. I packed boxes while keeping an eye on baby. He's clingy lately. We're not comfortable just popping him into the pack n play and leaving him out of sight. He'll scream bloody murder if we do that. It's not ideal, but it is what it is right now.

My MIL is really young. Mid-50s and runs 10k races. Please don't think I'm asking little 70 year old granny to do these things. The actual furniture moving was DH and his cousin.

I'm wondering how you are so sure your SIL is a bad parent - you, with all your experience parenting a single 5 month old baby?

Seeing as MIL comments on SIL's poor parenting, unprompted, with regularity, I'm pretty comfortable calling her a poor parent. MIL expressed shock to me and DH at the comments SIL made when dropping off TK. According to DH it came up again today when he called to say he put the book she left behind in the mail.