The college arms race is harming us as parents and making our kids sick!

[Anonymous]

My daughter has ended up with serious physical illness due to all the pressure at her school and among her peers to get into what is perceived as the "right" school. Her college applications are done and she has chosen a university - not her first or second choice - but one with a highly ranked program in her major and significant financial aid. Despite this, she keeps doubting herself. My wife and I have told her to stop worrying ( something I was surprised to hear my DW say, since she is IMHO an overbearing parent and only I moderate her influence on DD) and to gratefully accept what she has received. My DD is now seeing a therapist because of all the anxiety this has created, and she is on serious medications for what could be a lifelong chronic illness caused by all the anxiety. All this needs to stop! We are not helping are kids by demanding they be perfect! If having a happy, healthy daughter with a C average means having a happy, healthy daughter, I will take that over the A+ with the perfect mix of ECs and the Ivy admittance!

I am a big fan of Julie Lythcott - Haims, formerly a Dean of Admissions at Stanford, noted author of "How to Raise an Adult" and the host of the "Getting In" podcast. The purpose of raising out kids is to raise them to be happy , successful adults, and, contrary to some popular opinions on these boards, happy and successful adults do come out other universities and colleges other than the very small number of them who reject the majority of their applicants yet which many parents seem to focus all their attention as the key to good and happy life.

https://www.ted.com/talks/julie_lythcott_haims_how_to_raise_successful_kids_without_over_parenting

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My daughter has ended up with serious physical illness due to all the pressure at her school and among her peers to get into what is perceived as the "right" school. Her college applications are done and she has chosen a university - not her first or second choice - but one with a highly ranked program in her major and significant financial aid. Despite this, she keeps doubting herself. My wife and I have told her to stop worrying ( something I was surprised to hear my DW say, since she is IMHO an overbearing parent and only I moderate her influence on DD) and to gratefully accept what she has received. My DD is now seeing a therapist because of all the anxiety this has created, and she is on serious medications for what could be a lifelong chronic illness caused by all the anxiety. All this needs to stop! We are not helping are kids by demanding they be perfect! If having a happy, healthy daughter with a C average means having a happy, healthy daughter, I will take that over the A+ with the perfect mix of ECs and the Ivy admittance!

I am a big fan of Julie Lythcott - Haims, formerly a Dean of Admissions at Stanford, noted author of "How to Raise an Adult" and the host of the "Getting In" podcast. The purpose of raising out kids is to raise them to be happy , successful adults, and, contrary to some popular opinions on these boards, happy and successful adults do come out other universities and colleges other than the very small number of them who reject the majority of their applicants yet which many parents seem to focus all their attention as the key to good and happy life.

https://www.ted.com/talks/julie_lythcott_haims_how_to_raise_successful_kids_without_over_parenting

Very sorry to hear what your daughter is going through. I agree that the college game has gotten unhealthy but in my experience it is almost always the parents that set the tone through this process. Sure, the schools and classmates influence how your child deals with the process but as parents if you get on the same page and set the right values and perspective at the outset your child will be far more balanced, sane and happy about the outcome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My daughter has ended up with serious physical illness due to all the pressure at her school and among her peers to get into what is perceived as the "right" school. Her college applications are done and she has chosen a university - not her first or second choice - but one with a highly ranked program in her major and significant financial aid. Despite this, she keeps doubting herself. My wife and I have told her to stop worrying ( something I was surprised to hear my DW say, since she is IMHO an overbearing parent and only I moderate her influence on DD) and to gratefully accept what she has received. My DD is now seeing a therapist because of all the anxiety this has created, and she is on serious medications for what could be a lifelong chronic illness caused by all the anxiety. All this needs to stop! We are not helping are kids by demanding they be perfect! If having a happy, healthy daughter with a C average means having a happy, healthy daughter, I will take that over the A+ with the perfect mix of ECs and the Ivy admittance!

I am a big fan of Julie Lythcott - Haims, formerly a Dean of Admissions at Stanford, noted author of "How to Raise an Adult" and the host of the "Getting In" podcast. The purpose of raising out kids is to raise them to be happy , successful adults, and, contrary to some popular opinions on these boards, happy and successful adults do come out other universities and colleges other than the very small number of them who reject the majority of their applicants yet which many parents seem to focus all their attention as the key to good and happy life.

https://www.ted.com/talks/julie_lythcott_haims_how_to_raise_successful_kids_without_over_parenting

Very sorry to hear what your daughter is going through. I agree that the college game has gotten unhealthy but in my experience it is almost always the parents that set the tone through this process. Sure, the schools and classmates influence how your child deals with the process but as parents if you get on the same page and set the right values and perspective at the outset your child will be far more balanced, sane and happy about the outcome.

Agree with both of you.

[Anonymous]

DW contantly harps on DD if she gets a C in a class or on a test. It is unbearable. School counselors and therapists say you may have to let something go, and I agree. I "C" is not the end of the world.

DW and DD and I also have different expectations. DW wanted DD to apply to H. Daughter surmised, correctly, that she would have a snowball's chance in hell of getting in there and wouldn't want to go if she did (we visited), so I agreed with DD that she didn't have to apply. DW lost her sh*t on me and DD about this. So, IMHO, if any one factor other than the actual school and peer pressure is feeding DD's anxiety, it is DW, but she doesn't want to hear it.

In any case, DD therapist says go away to school to get away from home. I agree. I will be ready with the truck to pack up DD's belongings and move her to college come Fall.

[Anonymous]

Some children shouldn't go to college, she may eventually sah

[Anonymous]

I'm not putting the blame on either you or your wife, but are the either of you professionally successful?

I grew up in a household where my mom has a PhD in biochem, dad is a renowned doctor in his field, and brother finished college early with 4.0 and got into med school (he also had the accompany stats like 1600 SAT--this was in early 2000's, skipped senior year yaddee yada) and is now a cardiologist. I, on the other hand, was the black sheep of the family and rebelled anything remotely related to my parent's profession and coasted throughout life. My brother on the other hand was opposite from me and constantly received pressure from himself to live up to our parent's unspoken expectations. I guess I turned out alright myself, somehow got into law school and now working a very fulfilling job as an attorney at a renowned government agency in my field. At the end of the day, I relied on my genetically given intelligence more than effort.

Having said all that, I think it really depends on what type of person DD is and not what society has forced her to become. Again, not blaming this on the two of you, but did you or your wife set the bar really high in term of academic success and ingrained that into the mind of DD during her formative years?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some children shouldn't go to college, she may eventually sah

Are you the idiot poster who claims people who plan on SAH at any point during their lives shouldn't go to college?

[Anonymous]

Only stupid people don't know there are many ways to a comfortable and fulfilling life. A stable marriage is the main shortcut. A work ethic and a reasonably decent brain is all that's needed. The hyper competitive college fetish has a healthy percentage of mental illness involved.

[Anonymous]

Yes, OP this is the ugly truth. Parents are living vicariously thru their kids and putting too much accapressure on kids. Kids are suffering. There may be a whole generations of sick kids as a result.

[Anonymous]

I've learned to keep the college discussions close because of the automatic judgment. "Didn't she get in anywhere better?" "You only got how much merit aid?" "She could have gone to Alabama for free." IMO it's worse than the mommy wars when they were babies. Bottom line, tune out anyone who has unsolicited opinions about where your kid chooses to go to school, and it's NOT about the parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some children shouldn't go to college, she may eventually sah

You have problems. Seriously. .

OP, I agree with you. I'm so sorry that your daughter is ill, and hope that her recovery is full and swift. I agree with you completely ~ though my kids are too young yet to worry about this I see it amongst my friends who had kids really early.

[Anonymous]

This kind of pressure is not reserved only for HS kids to get into the "right college." Often after the kid gets into the "right college" they fall apart because they are so exhausted mentally & physically, they have anxiety/depression, or they feel like they are failures because they compare themselves to their peers who surround them - overachievers who appear to have the perfect life on the surface.

[Anonymous]

You have the option not to participate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have the option not to participate.

You had the same option for this thread.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP, sorry to hear the news and sorry about all of the bizarre comments. My advice is time off for daughter. Can she defwr a semester or year? If so, do it. Take the summer and unwind her coil and get her breathing again. Don't use meds for a substitute for the unwinding coil and time off, you still need the unwind. Go for a nice walk every morning, esp this summer. Kids nerves get fried and so does the adrenals and thyroid--->> so you must get a thyroid panel blood test. In other words, parts of the birnout can be physical. Go get a good physical and check it out. I bet she's overworked and needs to recover.
Signed,
Been there/done that