The college arms race is harming us as parents and making our kids sick!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm signing off. This discussion has gone off he rails.

Smart move.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP, sorry to hear the news and sorry about all of the bizarre comments. My advice is time off for daughter. Can she defwr a semester or year? If so, do it. Take the summer and unwind her coil and get her breathing again. Don't use meds for a substitute for the unwinding coil and time off, you still need the unwind. Go for a nice walk every morning, esp this summer. Kids nerves get fried and so does the adrenals and thyroid--->> so you must get a thyroid panel blood test. In other words, parts of the birnout can be physical. Go get a good physical and check it out. I bet she's overworked and needs to recover.
Signed,
Been there/done that

NP here. This is a bad idea. The daughter will just have anxiety about taking off, and then she might find it difficult to get back in. When I was in college, the people who took a semester or year off had a harder time jumping back in. For some, it took years.

That said, it sounds like OP is getting help for his daughter to help deal with the anxiety. Once she's actually in college, she actually might be happier. That was my experience. The HS grade-grubbing and competitiveness was in my experience far worse than the actual experience of being in college. I think a HUGE part of that had to do with the lack of parental influence, because it was really the parents of other students driving all of the stress. Once students were on their own, it was a better environment.

I have a friend whose daughter is in high school. My friend complains about all of the pressure on kids, etc., but my friend has been putting pressure on her daughter since she was 4. In my opinion, it is my friend (and other parents like her) who are part of the problem. She always had her daughter over-extended in a billion lessons and everything else. I think what's she really upset about is that she thought doing all of that would automatically put her daughter at the top, and now she sees that all of the other parents have been doing the same thing. But she was part of the "college arms race" OP mentions and has been all along. It's almost disingenuous for her to complain about it now, as it is an atmosphere to which she contributed.

I have always stayed silent, though, because I don't have kids and know the immediate response would be "you'd understand if you had kids!" and some fall back on she just wants her child to do well. But I think it really isn't just that. There's always been a status motivation. And that's why I think she's so upset now -- not that her daughter is stressed but that her daughter doesn't necessarily stand out. I have no doubt her daughter will get into college. But it's the issue of getting into a top college or getting accepted into Ivy's or having bragging rights about academic prowess/accomplishment. Since her daughter was in elementary school, my friend has been talking about pre-med for her daughter, which just seems absurd to me on so many levels. And she acts now as if it's Larla's dream and heart's desire to go into medicine, but I don't think Larla has ever had a choice in the matter. I don't even think Larla has ever really been able to truly consider what is her heart's desire because every hour of every day has been scheduled for her and it's been drilled into her what success looks like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think ultimately the question for parents is how do we encourage our children to be the best they can be without causing unhealthy stress?

We can't just let kids do whatever they want -- b/c a good proportion of them (and us) would sit around and play games or watch tv or surf the internet. Inertia is the natural state of matter, right? So, how do we activate kids and help them see that it is in their own interests to do well (or at least try their best)?

Like everything, it is all shades of gray.

I've already accepted that my kids aren't going to HYP and frankly I doubt that they will get into Uva.... but am I really supposed to just go with the flow when one is getting a C in algebra and doesn't really care to study for tests?

I don't think this means what you think it means. It doesn't necessarily mean that the natural state of things is to be at rest. It means that the natural state of things is to resist change to whatever state they are in. So while a body at rest will stay at rest, a body in motion will stay in motion unless an outside force acts on it.

[Anonymous]

12:24 here. Perhaps I didn't emphasize this enough, OP, but I do think your daughter will be okay.

Encourage her to see college as an exciting time. Once she actually goes to college, she might find her anxiety isn't at as bad. I think there's a better social experience in college to support the stress of the workload.

As I said, I found high school to be far more stressful. It wasn't the workload. It was the atmosphere. A lot changed in college -- for the better.

Best of luck.

[Anonymous]

12:24 here again. I should also add that my friend isn't a bad person.