Negative feelings about ILs

[Anonymous]

I have a lot of negative feelings about my ILs, and I spend a decent amount of time fretting about it. So I just wanted to write this out and see if anyone has any insight for me. I have known the ILs for several years and have struggled with this from the beginning.

First of all, our relationships are very cordial and fine on the surface level. And maybe that's all that is needed. The situation is not bad at all, and maybe there is nothing to be done about it other than changing my outlook on it.

The ILs don't really ask too much of us, it's just that the relationship is really one-sided. They are always wanting, wanting, wanting, to see the kids, and now especially that I have a late and unexpected baby.

I am in the position to give them what they want, and I mainly go above and beyond, and I feel generous about it.

But I also feel resentment, contempt, annoyance. And behind that, I feel guilty and ashamed because 1) We are all that my DH's parents have 2) FIL is basically a saint 3) MIL is disabled.

Why am I so secretly mean about them??? There is this stuff: They are not my types. And I think I'm really open -- have prided myself of getting to know and appreciate lots of different kinds of people. But my ILs have me kinda stumped. I don't really like them. I can't easily have conversations with them. I don't relate to their lives, we don't have much in common. I can't find much to admire about MIL except that she's "nice." Can't find anything to discuss with her except kids.

Also there is this: My DH was adopted and he has a great deal of ambivalence, conflicted and disconnected feelings concerning his parents (even though they gave him a loving, safe and privileged upbringing). So I think I absorb his feelings too and that makes it harder.

Would appreciate any thoughts.

[Anonymous]

Dh needs to grow up. Adoption or not, those are his parents. And, for your kids sake you need to as well and make an effort. You reject them, your kids will reject you at that same stage of life. You are setting an example for your kids. Better set a good one.

[Anonymous]

It looks like they have done nothing to deserve the negative attitude from you or your DH, so you need to change your outlook. It sounds like these grandkids are all they have. Have a little empathy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dh needs to grow up. Adoption or not, those are his parents. And, for your kids sake you need to as well and make an effort. You reject them, your kids will reject you at that same stage of life. You are setting an example for your kids. Better set a good one.

Well, DH does in fact honor his parents. But privately, he has his conflicted, disconnected feelings, as many adopted children do. And did you read? We DO make the efforts and set a good example. But I can't help these negative feelings. That's what I'm writing about, are the feelings. Not what we are or are not doing.

As for my old age, I do hope to have a different kind of relationship with my kids. I hope our relationships will be stronger and more genuine. I hope my kids won't feel mostly guilt and obligation toward me.

[Anonymous]

They love their son and you love their son. That is a good starting point.

[Anonymous]

Why is the relationship one sided? It doesn't seem one sided to me? They seem to like your kids back? What more do you want from them.

I too have little in common with my inlaws and everything I say seems to be the wrong thing. We watched The Accountant at my house when they visited and for the next two days MIL commented on how violent and gruesome that movie was and what did it say about me that I enjoy violence like that. Sigh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It looks like they have done nothing to deserve the negative attitude from you or your DH, so you need to change your outlook. It sounds like these grandkids are all they have. Have a little empathy.

We are not exhibiting any "negative attitude." We are FEELING negatively, in private. I practice the empathy and I say yes to all or nearly all their requests.

I can't help the negative feelings, and I wish I could do something about the negative feelings, and that's what this post is about.

[Anonymous]

I don't know why your DH feels that way, that is unusual. Clearly they love his kids and consider them their cherished grand kids. Which part of their lives are so alien to you? I think, if all is like you wrote, you touched upon the problem yourself. Your and your DH don't see them as family, rather as some people you are generous about allowing time with your kids. I don't think it is one sided, don't the kids like their grandparents? I would think that kids are getting a lot of it out too, relationship with loving grandparents can enrich your kids lives.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry you feel this way. It's your issue and I suggest, kindly, that you suck it up. My ILs, with whom I thought I had a good relationship, recently called me a bimbo and baby-killer bc I was a Hillary supporter. So there's that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It looks like they have done nothing to deserve the negative attitude from you or your DH, so you need to change your outlook. It sounds like these grandkids are all they have. Have a little empathy.

We are not exhibiting any "negative attitude." We are FEELING negatively, in private. I practice the empathy and I say yes to all or nearly all their requests.

I can't help the negative feelings, and I wish I could do something about the negative feelings, and that's what this post is about.

Are you and your DH generally very critical people? Maybe also introverted? Do you criticize your friends when you are alone? I think you need to get to the root of why are you having negative feelings. Do you have the need to compete with other people? Are maybe your kids attached to grandparents, and you resent this and see it as some lack in yourself? I am not trying to criticize you, just help get to the bottom of why are you feeling this way. I do understand that dealing with elderly can be demanding and requires a lot of patience. Is that maybe the reason?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is the relationship one sided? It doesn't seem one sided to me? They seem to like your kids back? What more do you want from them.

I too have little in common with my inlaws and everything I say seems to be the wrong thing. We watched The Accountant at my house when they visited and for the next two days MIL commented on how violent and gruesome that movie was and what did it say about me that I enjoy violence like that. Sigh.

Yeah, I relate to that.

I think what I mean by one-sided ... they want, we give. We give, they take. There isn't really anything that we want from them, or at least not anything that they can actually offer. But usually there is some kind of reciprocity in relationships, right? I don't know.

Like I said in my original post, this definitely isn't the worst problem in the world. It's really kind of fine. Except that I feel guilty and contemptuous and I fret about it. That's the problem -- it's just how I feel about it, and how I wish I wasn't feeling that way.

[Anonymous]

It might help if you saw your feelings as within the range of normal--because they are!

It might help if you backed off a little. Let DH handle a visit or two. He could take the baby while you did something with your older kids for instance. If you are doing the work of arranging visits or planning hosting, ask DH to do it.

It honestly sounds like the biggest problem is that they are asking a lot more of you just when you are extra taxed with a. Ew baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry you feel this way. It's your issue and I suggest, kindly, that you suck it up. My ILs, with whom I thought I had a good relationship, recently called me a bimbo and baby-killer bc I was a Hillary supporter. So there's that.

My FIL, whom I thought I had fine relationship with, told me on Wednesday that DH started being stressed since he married me! We have been married for 23 years, and FIL has no idea what he is talking about. He was always in debt and he is the reason my DH feels stressed about the money. Even at age 20, he lent his parents 20K to pay off their credit cards and has fixed everything for his Dad and his mom forever,(even as a teen he was fixing their cars) as his Dad never did and couldn't afford to have it done. When they were kids he tore the carpet in the living room, and didn't replace it for 15 years, hence DH was embarrassed to even have friends over. DH didn't go to college right away, way before he met me, because his Dad told him it is better to have a paying job in construction. He then went on to pay for college for his two younger kids. And I still overlook everything he says, he is a widower now, and even tell DH when his Dad irritates him, not to get into fight with him. OP, you need to tell us what is really the issue here?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry you feel this way. It's your issue and I suggest, kindly, that you suck it up. My ILs, with whom I thought I had a good relationship, recently called me a bimbo and baby-killer bc I was a Hillary supporter. So there's that.

Hahah. Sorry this made me laugh (but it's not really funny). OK I hear you but it's not all that helpful. I do suck it up, regularly, thanks. T It's not like I'm trying to cut off his parents. I just want to feel differently about it. And try to figure out, why do I feel this way, anyway?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It looks like they have done nothing to deserve the negative attitude from you or your DH, so you need to change your outlook. It sounds like these grandkids are all they have. Have a little empathy.

We are not exhibiting any "negative attitude." We are FEELING negatively, in private. I practice the empathy and I say yes to all or nearly all their requests.

I can't help the negative feelings, and I wish I could do something about the negative feelings, and that's what this post is about.

Are you and your DH generally very critical people? Maybe also introverted? Do you criticize your friends when you are alone? I think you need to get to the root of why are you having negative feelings. Do you have the need to compete with other people? Are maybe your kids attached to grandparents, and you resent this and see it as some lack in yourself? I am not trying to criticize you, just help get to the bottom of why are you feeling this way. I do understand that dealing with elderly can be demanding and requires a lot of patience. Is that maybe the reason?

Yes, we are critical, kinda intellectual, introverts. But I'm not competitive. I don't know what's at the bottom of it. I really HOPE it's something deeper than, I just don't like them. You know? I'd like to have something to actually resolve within myself.