Negative feelings about ILs

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It might help if you saw your feelings as within the range of normal--because they are!

It might help if you backed off a little. Let DH handle a visit or two. He could take the baby while you did something with your older kids for instance. If you are doing the work of arranging visits or planning hosting, ask DH to do it.

It honestly sounds like the biggest problem is that they are asking a lot more of you just when you are extra taxed with a. Ew baby.

Thank you. I think this is really helpful. The thing is, if left things up to DH, no plans would ever get made, and his parents would not be responded to nearly as much, and the ILs would have way less time and attention. I really do take on a lot of family stuff for DH, and maybe that's the source of some of this resentment.

I know that relationship with grandparents is good and valuable, especially for the older kid.

As for the baby and the grandparents, I kind of feel like a baby-dispensing machine. Like, it's my baby, you want my baby, and fine, I'll dole out some baby for you. Are you happy now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It looks like they have done nothing to deserve the negative attitude from you or your DH, so you need to change your outlook. It sounds like these grandkids are all they have. Have a little empathy.

We are not exhibiting any "negative attitude." We are FEELING negatively, in private. I practice the empathy and I say yes to all or nearly all their requests.

I can't help the negative feelings, and I wish I could do something about the negative feelings, and that's what this post is about.

Try saying no! Or, hmm, that won't work but how about a week from Saturday?

You aren't obligated to always say yes--in fact, you might have a better relationship if you don't!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know why your DH feels that way, that is unusual. Clearly they love his kids and consider them their cherished grand kids. Which part of their lives are so alien to you? I think, if all is like you wrote, you touched upon the problem yourself. Your and your DH don't see them as family, rather as some people you are generous about allowing time with your kids. I don't think it is one sided, don't the kids like their grandparents? I would think that kids are getting a lot of it out too, relationship with loving grandparents can enrich your kids lives.

This is kinda true but I was hoping it's not as ugly as that at the root. But yeah, I feel like that, deep down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dh needs to grow up. Adoption or not, those are his parents. And, for your kids sake you need to as well and make an effort. You reject them, your kids will reject you at that same stage of life. You are setting an example for your kids. Better set a good one.

Well, DH does in fact honor his parents. But privately, he has his conflicted, disconnected feelings, as many adopted children do. And did you read? We DO make the efforts and set a good example. But I can't help these negative feelings. That's what I'm writing about, are the feelings. Not what we are or are not doing.

As for my old age, I do hope to have a different kind of relationship with my kids. I hope our relationships will be stronger and more genuine. I hope my kids won't feel mostly guilt and obligation toward me.

No, its not how many "adopted children feel." And, as a parent through adoption, my child is very connected to us. He sounds very selfish if they loved him and gave him a good life and you sound even more selfish for feeding off his negativity and creating a hostile relationship, especially for your kids. When my MIL got ill, granted she was not the best mom and my husband felt conflicted, I told him it was our responsibility to deal with it and take care of her. Our kids see everything, including how we treat her. Your kids see the same. It will come back to bite you later on.

[Anonymous]

I can't see a si God reason for you to be contemptuous of these people. You truly have issues. Work on being a more decent person...I mean, literally work on it.

Here's your homework:
Get a small notebook. Every time your kids are going to see their grandparents, write three things you appreciate about them as your kids' grandparents. Work at it. Do they keep a clean house? Do they have table manners? Start there for God's sake. Do this again after your kids come home. Did they do a activity with your kids? Did they interact with them? Do they speak kindly? Do they have patience? Did they feed the children? Write it down.

Work at this. You can do better. Be a better person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It might help if you saw your feelings as within the range of normal--because they are!

It might help if you backed off a little. Let DH handle a visit or two. He could take the baby while you did something with your older kids for instance. If you are doing the work of arranging visits or planning hosting, ask DH to do it.

It honestly sounds like the biggest problem is that they are asking a lot more of you just when you are extra taxed with a. Ew baby.

Thank you. I think this is really helpful. The thing is, if left things up to DH, no plans would ever get made, and his parents would not be responded to nearly as much, and the ILs would have way less time and attention. I really do take on a lot of family stuff for DH, and maybe that's the source of some of this resentment.

I know that relationship with grandparents is good and valuable, especially for the older kid.

As for the baby and the grandparents, I kind of feel like a baby-dispensing machine. Like, it's my baby, you want my baby, and fine, I'll dole out some baby for you. Are you happy now?

I think the fact that you are doing all the work of maintaining the relationship is the issue. Maybe talk to your husband about that and if he's not willing to step it up - relax and do a little less - especially with a new baby around. I have fine relationships with my parents and ILs but I find the older they get the more self-centered they are and with kids, job, husband - I just find myself not wanting to cater to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know why your DH feels that way, that is unusual. Clearly they love his kids and consider them their cherished grand kids. Which part of their lives are so alien to you? I think, if all is like you wrote, you touched upon the problem yourself. Your and your DH don't see them as family, rather as some people you are generous about allowing time with your kids. I don't think it is one sided, don't the kids like their grandparents? I would think that kids are getting a lot of it out too, relationship with loving grandparents can enrich your kids lives.

This is kinda true but I was hoping it's not as ugly as that at the root. But yeah, I feel like that, deep down.

Glad I could help, even in this small way. Sorry about the typo. "You and your DH..."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dh needs to grow up. Adoption or not, those are his parents. And, for your kids sake you need to as well and make an effort. You reject them, your kids will reject you at that same stage of life. You are setting an example for your kids. Better set a good one.

Well, DH does in fact honor his parents. But privately, he has his conflicted, disconnected feelings, as many adopted children do. And did you read? We DO make the efforts and set a good example. But I can't help these negative feelings. That's what I'm writing about, are the feelings. Not what we are or are not doing.

As for my old age, I do hope to have a different kind of relationship with my kids. I hope our relationships will be stronger and more genuine. I hope my kids won't feel mostly guilt and obligation toward me.

No, its not how many "adopted children feel." And, as a parent through adoption, my child is very connected to us. He sounds very selfish if they loved him and gave him a good life and you sound even more selfish for feeding off his negativity and creating a hostile relationship, especially for your kids. When my MIL got ill, granted she was not the best mom and my husband felt conflicted, I told him it was our responsibility to deal with it and take care of her. Our kids see everything, including how we treat her. Your kids see the same. It will come back to bite you later on.

Nah, it's a fact. MANY adopted children feel that way. I said many, not ALL. I'm glad you think your child won't feel that way, but many DO. You can probably very easily find studies that all say so. As an adoptive parent, how could you possibly not know this?

And so actually, I think you are a fake.

Also, a lot of you are having trouble reading. There is no "hostile relationship." There is a very cordial relationship. The negativity is in feelings, not in actions and not out in the open.

So stop bringing your own problems and projections to my post, please.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can't see a si God reason for you to be contemptuous of these people. You truly have issues. Work on being a more decent person...I mean, literally work on it.

Here's your homework:
Get a small notebook. Every time your kids are going to see their grandparents, write three things you appreciate about them as your kids' grandparents. Work at it. Do they keep a clean house? Do they have table manners? Start there for God's sake. Do this again after your kids come home. Did they do a activity with your kids? Did they interact with them? Do they speak kindly? Do they have patience? Did they feed the children? Write it down.

Work at this. You can do better. Be a better person.

You're saying I don't have a right to FEEL contempt? Look, I don't enjoy it, but everyone has the right to their feelings, good or bad. You might need to do some work in a notebook, hon. I think you could be a more knowledgeable person before you go doling out self righteous and condescending advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can't see a si God reason for you to be contemptuous of these people. You truly have issues. Work on being a more decent person...I mean, literally work on it.

Here's your homework:
Get a small notebook. Every time your kids are going to see their grandparents, write three things you appreciate about them as your kids' grandparents. Work at it. Do they keep a clean house? Do they have table manners? Start there for God's sake. Do this again after your kids come home. Did they do a activity with your kids? Did they interact with them? Do they speak kindly? Do they have patience? Did they feed the children? Write it down.

Work at this. You can do better. Be a better person.

Not OP. But, she is working on it. She is a human being who wrote about how she feels here, as an outlet. Even posting here is working on it. I myself am often impatient with my Mom and FIL, and I own it. It is not an unusual dynamic between grown up kids/adults and their elderly grandparents. She has a baby, she might be a bit older than 26 and without ton of energy, so, yeah, she is human and has all kinds of feelings. Nothing to be embarrassed about. It is about coming to terms that now she/her DH and their kids are a lifeline for his parents and roles are reversed. Maybe it is just getting used to her being the provider of needs as before she was used to parents being the providers of her needs. It is normal part of ageing and changing relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know why your DH feels that way, that is unusual. Clearly they love his kids and consider them their cherished grand kids. Which part of their lives are so alien to you? I think, if all is like you wrote, you touched upon the problem yourself. Your and your DH don't see them as family, rather as some people you are generous about allowing time with your kids. I don't think it is one sided, don't the kids like their grandparents? I would think that kids are getting a lot of it out too, relationship with loving grandparents can enrich your kids lives.

This is kinda true but I was hoping it's not as ugly as that at the root. But yeah, I feel like that, deep down.

I mean, it's not the nicest way to feel, but since you are cordial and keep up a relationship for your kids' sake, why is it such a big deal? Think about why these feelings worry you so much. Do you feel guilty? Do you resent them? Are you holding onto regret/sadness that they're not better parents/ILs for you? Getting to the root of the bad feelings might help lessen your anxiety.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't see a si God reason for you to be contemptuous of these people. You truly have issues. Work on being a more decent person...I mean, literally work on it.

Here's your homework:
Get a small notebook. Every time your kids are going to see their grandparents, write three things you appreciate about them as your kids' grandparents. Work at it. Do they keep a clean house? Do they have table manners? Start there for God's sake. Do this again after your kids come home. Did they do a activity with your kids? Did they interact with them? Do they speak kindly? Do they have patience? Did they feed the children? Write it down.

Work at this. You can do better. Be a better person.

Not OP. But, she is working on it. She is a human being who wrote about how she feels here, as an outlet. Even posting here is working on it. I myself am often impatient with my Mom and FIL, and I own it. It is not an unusual dynamic between grown up kids/adults and their elderly grandparents. She has a baby, she might be a bit older than 26 and without ton of energy, so, yeah, she is human and has all kinds of feelings. Nothing to be embarrassed about. It is about coming to terms that now she/her DH and their kids are a lifeline for his parents and roles are reversed. Maybe it is just getting used to her being the provider of needs as before she was used to parents being the providers of her needs. It is normal part of ageing and changing relationships.

Thanks, I appreciate it and it gives me stuff to think about. I do think I feel resentful about being the ILs' reason for being, or my kids being that.

[Anonymous]

... 1) We are all that my DH's parents have 2) FIL is basically a saint 3) MIL is disabled. ...

I find this really, really sad. On top of this they don't ask much of you. Have you truly tried to get to know them, especially MIL? Ask questions about her past, her childhood, etc., in an attempt to really know where she is coming from.

Sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It might help if you saw your feelings as within the range of normal--because they are!

It might help if you backed off a little. Let DH handle a visit or two. He could take the baby while you did something with your older kids for instance. If you are doing the work of arranging visits or planning hosting, ask DH to do it.

It honestly sounds like the biggest problem is that they are asking a lot more of you just when you are extra taxed with a. Ew baby.

Thank you. I think this is really helpful. The thing is, if left things up to DH, no plans would ever get made, and his parents would not be responded to nearly as much, and the ILs would have way less time and attention. I really do take on a lot of family stuff for DH, and maybe that's the source of some of this resentment.

I know that relationship with grandparents is good and valuable, especially for the older kid.

As for the baby and the grandparents, I kind of feel like a baby-dispensing machine. Like, it's my baby, you want my baby, and fine, I'll dole out some baby for you. Are you happy now?

This is the PP you quoted. I really do think you need to address this with DH. Ask him how often he would actually like to see his parents. Tell him that you really aren't willing to be the main point of contact anymore, and that you would like him to do that. Talk about what works and what doesn't for their visits and, while accommodating any *needs* like things related to MIL's disability, realize that both of your *wants* count. You can choose gatherings that work better for you personally.

Of course, you've also got to be willing to handle whatever feelings you have about DH not doing what you see as his share--and not take back over. That took me some work when it came to my ILs and my DH, but over time I have realized that the more he is the point person, the better. And if they're going to feel irritated at anybody, it's going to be him.

[Anonymous]

I'm an adoptee and an adoptive parent. Has your husband ever sought counseling to figure out his feelings towards his parents? I personally don't feel that way at all about my own adoptive parents (and I'm in reunion with my birth family), but I don't think it's rare by any means to feel like your husband. Sometimes I see adoptees who conflate what they perceive as adoption issues with non-adoption issues. I think counseling is worth exploring before this blows up into something irreparable.