Negative feelings about ILs

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dh needs to grow up. Adoption or not, those are his parents. And, for your kids sake you need to as well and make an effort. You reject them, your kids will reject you at that same stage of life. You are setting an example for your kids. Better set a good one.

Well, DH does in fact honor his parents. But privately, he has his conflicted, disconnected feelings, as many adopted children do. And did you read? We DO make the efforts and set a good example. But I can't help these negative feelings. That's what I'm writing about, are the feelings. Not what we are or are not doing.

As for my old age, I do hope to have a different kind of relationship with my kids. I hope our relationships will be stronger and more genuine. I hope my kids won't feel mostly guilt and obligation toward me.

No, its not how many "adopted children feel." And, as a parent through adoption, my child is very connected to us. He sounds very selfish if they loved him and gave him a good life and you sound even more selfish for feeding off his negativity and creating a hostile relationship, especially for your kids. When my MIL got ill, granted she was not the best mom and my husband felt conflicted, I told him it was our responsibility to deal with it and take care of her. Our kids see everything, including how we treat her. Your kids see the same. It will come back to bite you later on.

Nah, it's a fact. MANY adopted children feel that way. I said many, not ALL. I'm glad you think your child won't feel that way, but many DO. You can probably very easily find studies that all say so. As an adoptive parent, how could you possibly not know this?

And so actually, I think you are a fake.

Also, a lot of you are having trouble reading. There is no "hostile relationship." There is a very cordial relationship. The negativity is in feelings, not in actions and not out in the open.

So stop bringing your own problems and projections to my post, please.

NP. OP, I can pretty much guarantee your children will resent you when they grow up. It's not the matter of genetics. Read the Family Relationships forum, most of these posters are genetic offspring of the parents they despise.

I think you and possibly DH have serious psychological issues. You didn't mention your family: Were you abandoned as a child too? Anyway, please keep in mind that if your problems remain unresolved, they will ruin your relationships with your children. Your children will emulate your attitudes towards your parents and ILs. It never fails, and you can count on it. Please rethink your attitudes towards family. (BTW, family doesn't have to involve common biology. Extended families are built in many ways and are about relationships, not shared genes.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dh needs to grow up. Adoption or not, those are his parents. And, for your kids sake you need to as well and make an effort. You reject them, your kids will reject you at that same stage of life. You are setting an example for your kids. Better set a good one.

Well, DH does in fact honor his parents. But privately, he has his conflicted, disconnected feelings, as many adopted children do. And did you read? We DO make the efforts and set a good example. But I can't help these negative feelings. That's what I'm writing about, are the feelings. Not what we are or are not doing.

As for my old age, I do hope to have a different kind of relationship with my kids. I hope our relationships will be stronger and more genuine. I hope my kids won't feel mostly guilt and obligation toward me.

No, its not how many "adopted children feel." And, as a parent through adoption, my child is very connected to us. He sounds very selfish if they loved him and gave him a good life and you sound even more selfish for feeding off his negativity and creating a hostile relationship, especially for your kids. When my MIL got ill, granted she was not the best mom and my husband felt conflicted, I told him it was our responsibility to deal with it and take care of her. Our kids see everything, including how we treat her. Your kids see the same. It will come back to bite you later on.

Nah, it's a fact. MANY adopted children feel that way. I said many, not ALL. I'm glad you think your child won't feel that way, but many DO. You can probably very easily find studies that all say so. As an adoptive parent, how could you possibly not know this?

And so actually, I think you are a fake.

Also, a lot of you are having trouble reading. There is no "hostile relationship." There is a very cordial relationship. The negativity is in feelings, not in actions and not out in the open.

So stop bringing your own problems and projections to my post, please.

NP. OP, I can pretty much guarantee your children will resent you when they grow up. It's not the matter of genetics. Read the Family Relationships forum, most of these posters are genetic offspring of the parents they despise.

I think you and possibly DH have serious psychological issues. You didn't mention your family: Were you abandoned as a child too? Anyway, please keep in mind that if your problems remain unresolved, they will ruin your relationships with your children. Your children will emulate your attitudes towards your parents and ILs. It never fails, and you can count on it. Please rethink your attitudes towards family. (BTW, family doesn't have to involve common biology. Extended families are built in many ways and are about relationships, not shared genes.)

Can you predict the stock market as well pp? What useless drivel you spout!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:... 1) We are all that my DH's parents have 2) FIL is basically a saint 3) MIL is disabled. ...

I find this really, really sad. On top of this they don't ask much of you. Have you truly tried to get to know them, especially MIL? Ask questions about her past, her childhood, etc., in an attempt to really know where she is coming from.

Sad.

As a permanently physically disabled person this bolded part makes me sick. So basically you can't find anything in common with a handicap person? And you don't like. Ice or saintly people. Jesus. But it's ok because you are admitting t. So your feelings are valid and alright. What's next? I do t have anything in common wth black people? How is being handicap different?

And you feel the relationship is one sided because they want to be grandparents and see their grandkids but you don't ask them for anything so how can there even be any kind of a two way street. The saintly yet crippled IL duo probably knows there is tension, probably knows you dont like them, and they don't know what to do and try not to bother you. So you dont like them for frankly particularly bigoted reasons and yet hold them to impossible to meet standards and want an anonymous forum to OT you on the back and say "good job for owning your feelings, wow, you're so rave"

What I saw to you is I feel incredible sorry for your children. Who are learning FROM YOU, that family is t important, that compassion isn't important, that selfishness and self centeredness trumps being mildly inconvenienced or uncomfortable, that it's ok that handicap people make you uncomfortable so it is better not to be inconvenienced by having to see them(an attitude by the way wildly accepted in the late 70s by the medical profession and because of which my parents were widely encouraged to lock me away in an institution), that empathy isn't an important human trait to possess, I could go on. How you would you feel if your child told a handicap kid "I don't like you because you're in a wheelchair. No cripples can come to my party. I am not friends with disabled kids. Go away."

OP needs some serious sensitivity training and therapy. So does her DH. Because in a blink of an eye everything could be so different. You could become sick or handicap or eventually you will actually become old. What have you taught your children? Who will want to be around YOU then? Think I am being hard on you, too bad. Grow up, your poor ILs and poor children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do most adopted adults end up feeling contempt or ambivalence towards their adoptive parents? I did not know about this..

All of my siblings are adopted, I am my parents only bio child. We are all adults and very close. My siblings have not expressed any interest in finding their birth parents (all my siblings are from different birth parents and all were adopted as infants). We all have a very close relationship among ourselves and with our parents. I can't imagine it any other way. The above statement is not universal, there is no contempt, ambivalence, with us.

I think OP's DH adoption situation (which I don't think has been exposed) may provide some insight, but don't stereotype all adoptive families.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dh needs to grow up. Adoption or not, those are his parents. And, for your kids sake you need to as well and make an effort. You reject them, your kids will reject you at that same stage of life. You are setting an example for your kids. Better set a good one.

Well, DH does in fact honor his parents. But privately, he has his conflicted, disconnected feelings, as many adopted children do. And did you read? We DO make the efforts and set a good example. But I can't help these negative feelings. That's what I'm writing about, are the feelings. Not what we are or are not doing.

As for my old age, I do hope to have a different kind of relationship with my kids. I hope our relationships will be stronger and more genuine. I hope my kids won't feel mostly guilt and obligation toward me.

No, its not how many "adopted children feel." And, as a parent through adoption, my child is very connected to us. He sounds very selfish if they loved him and gave him a good life and you sound even more selfish for feeding off his negativity and creating a hostile relationship, especially for your kids. When my MIL got ill, granted she was not the best mom and my husband felt conflicted, I told him it was our responsibility to deal with it and take care of her. Our kids see everything, including how we treat her. Your kids see the same. It will come back to bite you later on.

Nah, it's a fact. MANY adopted children feel that way. I said many, not ALL. I'm glad you think your child won't feel that way, but many DO. You can probably very easily find studies that all say so. As an adoptive parent, how could you possibly not know this?

And so actually, I think you are a fake.

Also, a lot of you are having trouble reading. There is no "hostile relationship." There is a very cordial relationship. The negativity is in feelings, not in actions and not out in the open.

So stop bringing your own problems and projections to my post, please.

NP. OP, I can pretty much guarantee your children will resent you when they grow up. It's not the matter of genetics. Read the Family Relationships forum, most of these posters are genetic offspring of the parents they despise.

I think you and possibly DH have serious psychological issues. You didn't mention your family: Were you abandoned as a child too? Anyway, please keep in mind that if your problems remain unresolved, they will ruin your relationships with your children. Your children will emulate your attitudes towards your parents and ILs. It never fails, and you can count on it. Please rethink your attitudes towards family. (BTW, family doesn't have to involve common biology. Extended families are built in many ways and are about relationships, not shared genes.)

Can you predict the stock market as well pp? What useless drivel you spout!

You don't have to believe me now. You'll see for yourself. I'm not the only one who says your children are learning from you how to treat you in your old age. It's one of those uncomfortable universal truths that you seem to be having a tough time with. Best of luck in that old folks' home and Meals on Wheels!