Negative feelings about ILs

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. Sounds like maybe you should go to therapy to help you with these feelings

2. How old are your kids? I dislike my ILs, because of things they have done over the years, but my kid adores them and they shower him with attention. I try my best to forgive them for his sake.

Young teenage, and they have great relationships with their grandparents, esp Grandpa, but beginning to realize that "no one's home" in Grandma's head.

And baby. Everyone wants the freaking baby. Baby, baby, baby. Gotta get hands on my baby. Forgetting about the older kids because there's a baby. Etc.

I think it is easy to get irritated at people that irritate you when you are tired and don't have enough time for the things and people you do want to spend time on. Like your kids and that freaking baby. Vent all you want here, OP. I get it.

[Anonymous]

Do most adopted adults end up feeling contempt or ambivalence towards their adoptive parents? I did not know about this..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do most adopted adults end up feeling contempt or ambivalence towards their adoptive parents? I did not know about this..

I don't know about contempt, but conflicted feelings and disconnectedness are ver common. Adoptees face many psycological/emotional issues. Of course they do. Seems very naive to think they would not.

[Anonymous]

Your feelings are valid, OP. Your baby isn't a toy to make others happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a lot of negative feelings about my ILs, and I spend a decent amount of time fretting about it. So I just wanted to write this out and see if anyone has any insight for me. I have known the ILs for several years and have struggled with this from the beginning.

First of all, our relationships are very cordial and fine on the surface level. And maybe that's all that is needed. The situation is not bad at all, and maybe there is nothing to be done about it other than changing my outlook on it.

The ILs don't really ask too much of us, it's just that the relationship is really one-sided. They are always wanting, wanting, wanting, to see the kids, and now especially that I have a late and unexpected baby.

I am in the position to give them what they want, and I mainly go above and beyond, and I feel generous about it.

But I also feel resentment, contempt, annoyance. And behind that, I feel guilty and ashamed because 1) We are all that my DH's parents have 2) FIL is basically a saint 3) MIL is disabled.

Why am I so secretly mean about them??? There is this stuff: They are not my types. And I think I'm really open -- have prided myself of getting to know and appreciate lots of different kinds of people. But my ILs have me kinda stumped. I don't really like them. I can't easily have conversations with them. I don't relate to their lives, we don't have much in common. I can't find much to admire about MIL except that she's "nice." Can't find anything to discuss with her except kids.

Also there is this: My DH was adopted and he has a great deal of ambivalence, conflicted and disconnected feelings concerning his parents (even though they gave him a loving, safe and privileged upbringing). So I think I absorb his feelings too and that makes it harder.

Would appreciate any thoughts.

NP. I can relate to some of your feelings about your ILs. My ILs are DH's bio parents, but they are really different from DH. They are working class folk, FIL is somewhat crass. DH and I are both highly educated and "upper class," as are our wider circle. I am on good terms with ILs, but have nothing to talk about with them, other than our kid, and we do not connect at all. I am able to keep whatever negative feelings I may have about them in check, however, because 1) I credit them and their sacrifices greatly to give DH the opportunities he had and his subsequent success in life and 2) it really helps that we live several states away and cannot see each other frequently. In the back of my mind, I know the day will come when we live within driving distance of each other and I wonder/dread how things will be then, but we will cross that bridge when we get to it. It sounds like you do more than you would like to maintain the family's bond with your ILs and to echo PPs, you should talk with DH about shifting some of the burden to him, which will likely help allay at least some of your negative feelings. And your ILs frankly care the least about their relationship with you vs. your DH and your kids and cut back on the amount of time you spend with them, if it helps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your feelings are valid, OP. Your baby isn't a toy to make others happy.

Yes! Thank you. I hadn't articulated this in my mind, but i feel this way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a lot of negative feelings about my ILs, and I spend a decent amount of time fretting about it. So I just wanted to write this out and see if anyone has any insight for me. I have known the ILs for several years and have struggled with this from the beginning.

First of all, our relationships are very cordial and fine on the surface level. And maybe that's all that is needed. The situation is not bad at all, and maybe there is nothing to be done about it other than changing my outlook on it.

The ILs don't really ask too much of us, it's just that the relationship is really one-sided. They are always wanting, wanting, wanting, to see the kids, and now especially that I have a late and unexpected baby.

I am in the position to give them what they want, and I mainly go above and beyond, and I feel generous about it.

But I also feel resentment, contempt, annoyance. And behind that, I feel guilty and ashamed because 1) We are all that my DH's parents have 2) FIL is basically a saint 3) MIL is disabled.

Why am I so secretly mean about them??? There is this stuff: They are not my types. And I think I'm really open -- have prided myself of getting to know and appreciate lots of different kinds of people. But my ILs have me kinda stumped. I don't really like them. I can't easily have conversations with them. I don't relate to their lives, we don't have much in common. I can't find much to admire about MIL except that she's "nice." Can't find anything to discuss with her except kids.

Also there is this: My DH was adopted and he has a great deal of ambivalence, conflicted and disconnected feelings concerning his parents (even though they gave him a loving, safe and privileged upbringing). So I think I absorb his feelings too and that makes it harder.

Would appreciate any thoughts.

NP. I can relate to some of your feelings about your ILs. My ILs are DH's bio parents, but they are really different from DH. They are working class folk, FIL is somewhat crass. DH and I are both highly educated and "upper class," as are our wider circle. I am on good terms with ILs, but have nothing to talk about with them, other than our kid, and we do not connect at all. I am able to keep whatever negative feelings I may have about them in check, however, because 1) I credit them and their sacrifices greatly to give DH the opportunities he had and his subsequent success in life and 2) it really helps that we live several states away and cannot see each other frequently. In the back of my mind, I know the day will come when we live within driving distance of each other and I wonder/dread how things will be then, but we will cross that bridge when we get to it. It sounds like you do more than you would like to maintain the family's bond with your ILs and to echo PPs, you should talk with DH about shifting some of the burden to him, which will likely help allay at least some of your negative feelings. And your ILs frankly care the least about their relationship with you vs. your DH and your kids and cut back on the amount of time you spend with them, if it helps.

Thank you!! It feels good to be so well understood. I agree that the key appears to be with my DH stepping up. Much appreciated.

[Anonymous]

You are in desperate need of intense and in-depth professional help, OP. Do not delay in getting this help

[Anonymous]

You sound like snobs and angry old people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. Sounds like maybe you should go to therapy to help you with these feelings

2. How old are your kids? I dislike my ILs, because of things they have done over the years, but my kid adores them and they shower him with attention. I try my best to forgive them for his sake.

I have experienced #2. I like them better now, because they love my kid and my kid loves them. Once the kid was 3, she started to ask when she could see Grandma and Grandpa. I see my inlaws every week and it used to be a big stress source. Now, since my kid loves seeing them, I really don't mind the time suck as much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. Sounds like maybe you should go to therapy to help you with these feelings

2. How old are your kids? I dislike my ILs, because of things they have done over the years, but my kid adores them and they shower him with attention. I try my best to forgive them for his sake.

Young teenage, and they have great relationships with their grandparents, esp Grandpa, but beginning to realize that "no one's home" in Grandma's head.

And baby. Everyone wants the freaking baby. Baby, baby, baby. Gotta get hands on my baby. Forgetting about the older kids because there's a baby. Etc.

I think it is easy to get irritated at people that irritate you when you are tired and don't have enough time for the things and people you do want to spend time on. Like your kids and that freaking baby. Vent all you want here, OP. I get it.

You must be tired. But you really don't understand the disproportionate amount of attention a baby gets???? Unfair but it's common. My child is barely 4 and I'm already looking forward to a baby grandchild, as my 4 year old is not so small and ahem not so darn cute anymore. Babies/toddlers are irresistible!!

[Anonymous]

Are you me? I am married to an adopted DH with ILs who are nice and with whom I have a cordial relationship but the relationship is entirely surface-level. They ask relatively little of us but they have no other people in their lives--just us--and if we don't invite them for holidays they are alone. Just once I would like to choose what we do for a holiday. Instead I host every single one. But at the same time I complain about that I feel bad for it. They are nice to me and nice to my kids but we don't get much out of the relationship. It is not reciprocal--it is us doing everything and them on the receiving end. Just once I would like to be invited by someone for an occasion and not have to do so much goddamn work. I am exhausted with these kids. Also, my DH has the same adoption-relation issues yours does with his parents. He went to therapy for many years to address them. Finding his birth mom helped. I suspect that you are envious of more reciprocal, tighter family relationships with involved grandparents. I know I am.

[Anonymous]

I think I know what's going on. Do they guilt you? My in-laws play some pretty amazing guilt trips on us. "Oh, that's ok. I just wanted to spend as much time with my granddaughter before I did." I'm just over here like "you just saw her yesterday." If this is the case for you guys, don't give in. Your relationship will see major improvement.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't feel a nanosecond worth of guilt over private feelings. I barely consider my family of origin my family, much less the in laws. I am perfectly nice to them, but I'm not clobbering myself to have a deep relationship with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do most adopted adults end up feeling contempt or ambivalence towards their adoptive parents? I did not know about this..

I don't know about contempt, but conflicted feelings and disconnectedness are ver common. Adoptees face many psycological/emotional issues. Of course they do. Seems very naive to think they would not.

This is one reason we decided not to adopt, I know too many adoptees who don't ever really bond with their adopted parents.

OP, it sounds like you are doing all the heavy lifting while your DH is conflicted. Can he go to therapy and learn how to deal with his parents more productively?
It sounds like you are doing a good job and trying to be caring OP. Let yourself feel how you feel. Maybe try to see if you have any positive feelings and concentrate on those, or ask and see if your ILs will help you with something. They just may not know what do to or what to ask.