Long term affairs

[Anonymous]

If you had an affair that lasted many years how often do you think about your ex AP? DH had an affair that lasted for years with my constant suspicion and his numerous cover up lies. After many months of pain and working through our relationship I am wondering how often he thinks of/yearns/wants his ex AP? I know he is not seeing her or going back to her - I can tell this time he is committed to the marriage but I just can't help thinking about what he is thinking. I'm guessing it just takes time?

[Anonymous]

I think about mine every day. It's been 2 years since we have spoken. We had a thing going on for almost 8 years.

[Anonymous]

How do you know he isn't seeing her? Where there's a will, there's a way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think about mine every day. It's been 2 years since we have spoken. We had a thing going on for almost 8 years.

This is me exactly - 2 years since we have spoken - in love for almost 8 years - I think of him not everyday but certainly most often. Miss him too much - hoping for one day to be together. As he would say - one day and some day. . .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you know he isn't seeing her? Where there's a will, there's a way.

Because I know - it's hard to explain but after so many years of lying he was relieved to finally come clean. I know he is not seeing her - there could always be someone else but the long term affair is a thing in the physical past - there has been no contact but I'm sure he dreams of and thinks of her constantly. He is with me but it's sad still.

[Anonymous]

First question: do you have kids?

[Anonymous]

This thread is going to make me nauseous. --- cheated on

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First question: do you have kids?

Grown kids yes

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First question: do you have kids?

Grown kids yes

Then I am going to say yes. The reason being is that there is nothing worse than cheating when you have children. He is morally deprived and self centered. He is probably still contacting her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First question: do you have kids?

Grown kids yes

Then I am going to say yes. The reason being is that there is nothing worse than cheating when you have children. He is morally deprived and self centered. He is probably still contacting her.

I'm certain he is not contacting her - he is being completely transparent with me about his phone and time etc. But you did answer my question - he wants to but won't because I am in the way. I need to figure out if this is enough for me moving forward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First question: do you have kids?

Grown kids yes

Then I am going to say yes. The reason being is that there is nothing worse than cheating when you have children. He is morally deprived and self centered. He is probably still contacting her.

I'm certain he is not contacting her - he is being completely transparent with me about his phone and time etc. But you did answer my question - he wants to but won't because I am in the way. I need to figure out if this is enough for me moving forward.

My former AP was also totally transparent with his wife with his phone and his time. We would only communicate on gchat (from a secret account), during work hours, and had a standing late lunch at a hotel by his office that I paid for, twice per week. The time was blocked off on his calendar as a one-on-one with various staff members. This went on for four years after his wife catching us (eight years in all), before I finally broke it off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First question: do you have kids?

Grown kids yes

Then I am going to say yes. The reason being is that there is nothing worse than cheating when you have children. He is morally deprived and self centered. He is probably still contacting her.

I'm certain he is not contacting her - he is being completely transparent with me about his phone and time etc. But you did answer my question - he wants to but won't because I am in the way. I need to figure out if this is enough for me moving forward.

I take some of this back -it's from bitterness. If he is trying then you need to give him space. It's been five years for me and it wasn't near the same degree as your experience. He did some serious harm to the marriage, but it's time to look forward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First question: do you have kids?

Grown kids yes

Then I am going to say yes. The reason being is that there is nothing worse than cheating when you have children. He is morally deprived and self centered. He is probably still contacting her.

I'm certain he is not contacting her - he is being completely transparent with me about his phone and time etc. But you did answer my question - he wants to but won't because I am in the way. I need to figure out if this is enough for me moving forward.

Why did you decide to stay together? He was/is obviously in love with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First question: do you have kids?

Grown kids yes

Then I am going to say yes. The reason being is that there is nothing worse than cheating when you have children. He is morally deprived and self centered. He is probably still contacting her.

I'm certain he is not contacting her - he is being completely transparent with me about his phone and time etc. But you did answer my question - he wants to but won't because I am in the way. I need to figure out if this is enough for me moving forward.

Why did you decide to stay together? He was/is obviously in love with her.

Because he loves me and we are a family. I would be lonely and broke without him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First question: do you have kids?

Grown kids yes

Then I am going to say yes. The reason being is that there is nothing worse than cheating when you have children. He is morally deprived and self centered. He is probably still contacting her.

I'm certain he is not contacting her - he is being completely transparent with me about his phone and time etc. But you did answer my question - he wants to but won't because I am in the way. I need to figure out if this is enough for me moving forward.

As someone who was in a long term affair, and was very much "in love" with my AP, I can tell you that your DH probably feels a great deal of relief that it's over and you are on the road to forgiveness. Does he still think of her? Of course-- that's only natural. It will fade with time, though, and as time goes on, he will see more clearly everything she was NOT, and everything you ARE. There's a reason he chose to stick with you and your family. After going through the trauma of affair discovery, it's very unlikely he is still actively fantasizing about her. He's thinking about you and how to make things right. Don't torture yourself with what's in his head. He's here with you. Try to move forward. Hugs to you.