Long term affairs

[Anonymous]

A little over a year, which is not as long as some PPs, but I fell hard, really hard. I also think getting caught at the height of it made it worse than if it had been two years down the road. I have a friend who has been in an affair for years, and after a certain point, it just became a convenience, and that is what it is today. If it ended tomorrow, she would likely not think of him much at all.

[Anonymous]

My H had a long term affair and I kicked him to the curb immediately.

He never contacted the OW, just ghosted her and has not contacted her since. It's been over a year. I know because I know her BFF and she is obsessed with trying to extract information from me, she told me how devastated she is, in therapy, suicidal. She was like, "I can't believe he did that to her"... TO HER. hmmm... that is a little backwards

Knowing my H she was just convenient, he is a lazy man and she was available, he was just glad to have her gone and not wanting to deal with her irate H and devastated children was a good reason to get rid of her. He's charming like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Transparency is good in theory but so easy to avoid. Here honey, here is my computer and all my passwords. Except for that new email account I just opened that you don't know about so never think to look for.

In the end you either trust or you don't.

Yup. As I say to my husband, who says he's transparent now--we both know how easy it is to open more accounts, have a burner phone, etc etc etc. You can pretend to be transparent, and I won't know. I'm not going to waste my time checking up on you, either. So go through the motions and treat me right, and I will attempt to live without trust.

Or be happy with yourself and kids..hoping he slips on a banana peel. After something like that I wouldn't care about him even if I stayed. Many stay because of kids and financial realities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Transparency is good in theory but so easy to avoid. Here honey, here is my computer and all my passwords. Except for that new email account I just opened that you don't know about so never think to look for.

In the end you either trust or you don't.

I hope you don't feel that way about your financial managers. With more being invested in a marriage I would do a sight check from time to time. And especially after being cheated on. Not worth my health either. That's called putting yourself first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A little over a year, which is not as long as some PPs, but I fell hard, really hard. I also think getting caught at the height of it made it worse than if it had been two years down the road. I have a friend who has been in an affair for years, and after a certain point, it just became a convenience, and that is what it is today. If it ended tomorrow, she would likely not think of him much at all.

How did it make it worse?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First question: do you have kids?

Grown kids yes

Then I am going to say yes. The reason being is that there is nothing worse than cheating when you have children. He is morally deprived and self centered. He is probably still contacting her.

I'm certain he is not contacting her - he is being completely transparent with me about his phone and time etc. But you did answer my question - he wants to but won't because I am in the way. I need to figure out if this is enough for me moving forward.

My former AP was also totally transparent with his wife with his phone and his time. We would only communicate on gchat (from a secret account), during work hours, and had a standing late lunch at a hotel by his office that I paid for, twice per week. The time was blocked off on his calendar as a one-on-one with various staff members. This went on for four years after his wife catching us (eight years in all), before I finally broke it off.

That's pretty chilling. Glad you came to your senses. I pity his wife.

I do too. And I have thought about telling her, but she knows he is a cheater, and telling her would only cause more pain, that she never deserved in the first place.

And, like OP, she doesn't have the means to maintain her lifestyle on her own, so she is stuck with him.

That's often the case. Sorry you wasted precious time with this loser, and hopefully his wife will be a happy widow someday. Happens more than you know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Transparency is good in theory but so easy to avoid. Here honey, here is my computer and all my passwords. Except for that new email account I just opened that you don't know about so never think to look for.

In the end you either trust or you don't.

Yup. As I say to my husband, who says he's transparent now--we both know how easy it is to open more accounts, have a burner phone, etc etc etc. You can pretend to be transparent, and I won't know. I'm not going to waste my time checking up on you, either. So go through the motions and treat me right, and I will attempt to live without trust.

Or be happy with yourself and kids..hoping he slips on a banana peel. After something like that I wouldn't care about him even if I stayed. Many stay because of kids and financial realities.

Well, it's been three years now, and we're still working on it every day. I don't think I'll ever trust him again, but I live with it, for now. It would be easier for me to leave, but I don't have the financial means, and I wouldn't trust him with the kids during visitation. I'm very positive about things, as much as I can be, and spend these years focusing on working on myself, raising the kids, and treating him and myself with kindness and compassion. We'll see how it goes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Transparency is good in theory but so easy to avoid. Here honey, here is my computer and all my passwords. Except for that new email account I just opened that you don't know about so never think to look for.

In the end you either trust or you don't.

Yup. As I say to my husband, who says he's transparent now--we both know how easy it is to open more accounts, have a burner phone, etc etc etc. You can pretend to be transparent, and I won't know. I'm not going to waste my time checking up on you, either. So go through the motions and treat me right, and I will attempt to live without trust.

Or be happy with yourself and kids..hoping he slips on a banana peel. After something like that I wouldn't care about him even if I stayed. Many stay because of kids and financial realities.

Well, it's been three years now, and we're still working on it every day. I don't think I'll ever trust him again, but I live with it, for now. It would be easier for me to leave, but I don't have the financial means, and I wouldn't trust him with the kids during visitation. I'm very positive about things, as much as I can be, and spend these years focusing on working on myself, raising the kids, and treating him and myself with kindness and compassion. We'll see how it goes.

The big one is not knowing who they will have around your kids. Another woman whose kids have problems, or she is a big problem. I've seen some pretty big messes with divorced friends. Sad for the kids all the way around.

[Anonymous]

2 year affair. I don't think about her that often. My level of thinking of her is correlated with how much sex DW is having with me, less sex and I think more about ex AP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:2 year affair. I don't think about her that often. My level of thinking of her is correlated with how much sex DW is having with me, less sex and I think more about ex AP.

Do you tell your wife this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was in a long term affair, off and on, for 25 years! (Long story...) He became a part of my identity after all that time.
I do still think about him, naturally, but more in a way that I hope he's happy. Not longing or pining for him.

I used to think we had a great love story. With time and distance, I've realized that life is not a romance novel. People move on; they are resilient. Part of being resilient is that you do get to the point where your ex is no longer looming large in your thoughts. I'm certain your husband is well on his way toward this healing-- focusing on the here and now and the future.

Sappy stories like this do not help. It's like the opposite of what needs to happen. I even hate you after that Lifetime story.

I don't think this is sappy. 20 years ago I had a short fling with a previous partner and almost called off my engagement and followed him to a Roman Holiday -(doesn't everyone want to be Hepburn). You move on, but every now and then you think of them as something reminds you of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was in a long term affair, off and on, for 25 years! (Long story...) He became a part of my identity after all that time.
I do still think about him, naturally, but more in a way that I hope he's happy. Not longing or pining for him.

I used to think we had a great love story. With time and distance, I've realized that life is not a romance novel. People move on; they are resilient. Part of being resilient is that you do get to the point where your ex is no longer looming large in your thoughts. I'm certain your husband is well on his way toward this healing-- focusing on the here and now and the future.

Sappy stories like this do not help. It's like the opposite of what needs to happen. I even hate you after that Lifetime story.

I don't think this is sappy. 20 years ago I had a short fling with a previous partner and almost called off my engagement and followed him to a Roman Holiday -(doesn't everyone want to be Hepburn). You move on, but every now and then you think of them as something reminds you of them.

No. Most of us do not was to be Hepburn in RH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was in a long term affair, off and on, for 25 years! (Long story...) He became a part of my identity after all that time.
I do still think about him, naturally, but more in a way that I hope he's happy. Not longing or pining for him.

I used to think we had a great love story. With time and distance, I've realized that life is not a romance novel. People move on; they are resilient. Part of being resilient is that you do get to the point where your ex is no longer looming large in your thoughts. I'm certain your husband is well on his way toward this healing-- focusing on the here and now and the future.

Sappy stories like this do not help. It's like the opposite of what needs to happen. I even hate you after that Lifetime story.

I don't think this is sappy. 20 years ago I had a short fling with a previous partner and almost called off my engagement and followed him to a Roman Holiday -(doesn't everyone want to be Hepburn). You move on, but every now and then you think of them as something reminds you of them.

No. Most of us do not was to be Hepburn in RH.

Escape from life for a weekend, why not?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was in a long term affair, off and on, for 25 years! (Long story...) He became a part of my identity after all that time.
I do still think about him, naturally, but more in a way that I hope he's happy. Not longing or pining for him.

I used to think we had a great love story. With time and distance, I've realized that life is not a romance novel. People move on; they are resilient. Part of being resilient is that you do get to the point where your ex is no longer looming large in your thoughts. I'm certain your husband is well on his way toward this healing-- focusing on the here and now and the future.

Sappy stories like this do not help. It's like the opposite of what needs to happen. I even hate you after that Lifetime story.

I don't think this is sappy. 20 years ago I had a short fling with a previous partner and almost called off my engagement and followed him to a Roman Holiday -(doesn't everyone want to be Hepburn). You move on, but every now and then you think of them as something reminds you of them.

No. Most of us do not was to be Hepburn in RH.

Escape from life for a weekend, why not?

Do you even know the story. If I want to wish for something it might be curing cancer or being a hidden figure... RH... No thinks.

[Anonymous]

Or be happy with yourself and kids..hoping he slips on a banana peel.


That is the BEST! I love it!!!