Extreme resentment over mental load

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The posters suggesting to not not barely celebrate Christmas or birthdays aren’t very helpful.

You’re also not taking the rest of life into consideration. I can live in a $2 million dollar house, employ a cleaning lady, work a demanding job, exercise etc - but I’m going to drop the ball on Christmas and/or a birthday for my mental health?

Someone who is not celebrating Christmas for their child (assuming you’re Christian) is practically homeless or suffering from severe mental illness.

This post sounds like mental illness. What on earth?

+1! Figure out what "celebrating Christmas" means to you. If it means spending 10,000 hours decorating and buying gifts, and you don't have 10,000 hours to spend, you'll either need to take time from other things, outsource, or not spend 10,000 hours on Christmas. This isn't rocket science. My parents had demanding jobs and we had no other family, so they spend 2 hours decorating and gave my sibling and I one gift each, but that still counted as Christmas because we were celebrating together.

My parents were immigrants who worked themselves to the bone. We'd haul down the plastic Christmas tree from the attic, my brother and I would wrap the lights and tinsel, hang the few ornaments while my dad ran to the toy store to get a He-Man action figure for my brother and a My Little Pony for me. My mom would wrap them and stick them under the tree, and call it a day. Good times, and great memories.

Sounds to me like both of your parents participated.
I think OP is resentful because she has to do everything alone.

Would OP be satisfied if all her DH did was a last minute Target run for action figures?

I think she would be satisfied if he volunteered to go and he knew what he wanted to get.

She said that she is upset that he didn’t volunteer to do anything.

We have no idea what happened behind the scenes with PP’s parents. We have no idea if her mother told him to go to Target and what to buy.

Action figure PP here. My dad definitely knew what to buy, because he would take the few minutes to notice us and the toys with which we played. That's why I have good memories. Christmas was that time they could take a break and show us that they did know who we were, even though they were normally away so much working. It didn't take a huge amount of time or money.

No offense, PP, but you probably have no idea about the Christmas conversations and delegating that may or may not have occurred between your parents. The point IMO is that they made it work in order to give you a good childhood and happy memories. Who CARES if Mom was the “project manager” or Dad was, or if they both magically manage to do exactly the right 50% with no reminders or delegating whatsoever?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: Your kids who take the SAT should be signing themselves up. You guys make your own problems.

DP. No, parents have responsibility here. A husband should be capable of knowing this and assigning himself the task. If the husband is too incompetent or cannot be asked, its on the other parent and there is a case for resentment here.

The Venmo for the teacher gifts is optional. Tell the teacher your husband is too incompetent to parent and for the sake of your mental load, you needed to take responsibility for the SAT. They'll understand.

At least in my kids' classrooms, classroom arrangements, signup genius links, venmo requests, etc. are all done through a group chat via the school's app. All classroom parents are added. Emails are also sent to all classroom parents. Not ONE husband responds to chats, emails, signup genius. It's 100% moms. On the class party day there's decent dad turnout, so I know they're aware. And I know the majority of moms are working moms. It's been like this since daycare!

I also handle most kid admin in my house. My husband is no slouch otherwise, but there are times when I'm underwater and need help and he is completely blind to this kind of work no matter how many app notifications/emails/paperwork are sent. I have to directly ask. Yes, some of it's fluff, no one will die if we forget cookies for the teacher cookie exchange, but we DO need to get the required class shirt, recorder, contribute to group activities, pay for field trips, sign online permission slips, check grades and homework, update parental settings on devices, and on and on. I truly believe the idea that planning around children's lives is "women's work" is so pervasive, the vast majority of men will not change, even if it's subconscious and they present a flexible, equitable mindset.

Do not get me started on Christmas.

Same for us regarding all dads being on these chats and it being totally moms dealing with it. There are two dads (out of 40-some families across two classes) who participate.

And ALL the moms work, and many have jobs every bit as challenging as their husband's. Some are fily breadwinners.

Also, the two dads that participate -- their wives also participate. But for a lot of other families, the dad has zero involvement.

This is a UMC public school in DC. Also, some of the class and PTA stuff is dumb make work (I don't do that) but a lot of this is just necessary stuff -- making sure kids have supplies, knowing deadlines, ensuring there are sufficient chaperones for school trips, disseminating info about aftercare, administrative deadlines, etc.

That's how I know that the women in this thread saying "it's unequal" are not BSing. It's not! And it's not because all the women are bad communicators or just live feeling resentful or whatever. It's because it's just not equal. Most moms work, but few dads do as much parenting/household admin as moms. And that's just the truth. It's no wonder women sometimes complain. It is a testament to our fortitude that we don't complain more.

This is because MEN DON’T CARE about this pointless make-work pissing contest that WOMEN initiate and WOMEN expect other WOMEN to engage in! Even if you ask your husband if he thinks it’s important and he says “yes” he probably doesn’t. You can test this by not doing it - if he doesn’t do it himself, it’s because he simply DOES NOT GIVE A CRAP.

Ok, but when his wife DOES give a crap, or his kids do, you're saying his line is still well I don't care about it?

When we host parties in our house we have a list of things to do/clean beforehand. I'm way more Type A and anal than my husband, so I bet he could name multiple things on the list that he wouldn't do if he were throwing the party himself. But he knows they're important to me, so he does them. Because, you know, he loves me. The reverse is also true, there are things I participate in because they are important to him but not to me because that's the kind of thing you do for the person you married. Of course there are boundaries, and I'm not suggesting that everything is important, but when your spouse or child deems something important and you don't, it's worth looking into. You seem to think that because the husband doesn't care it must be meaningless.

No. That’s not what’s being discussed here. Because the men being excoriated in this thread [b]do what their wives ask them. [/b]But it’s unreasonable to expect someone who thinks what their spouse is asking them to is a waste of time to take over the “mental load” of doing that task and then complain about how they do it (which, to be clear, is to allow said time wasting task to go undone and the mental load associated with it to slip away into the ether…)

Eh, I'm not so sure about that.

Also, see my point above. My husband and I both do things for the other person that we wouldn't otherwise prioritize or make time to do because that's part of being in a partnership with someone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: Your kids who take the SAT should be signing themselves up. You guys make your own problems.

DP. No, parents have responsibility here. A husband should be capable of knowing this and assigning himself the task. If the husband is too incompetent or cannot be asked, its on the other parent and there is a case for resentment here.

The Venmo for the teacher gifts is optional. Tell the teacher your husband is too incompetent to parent and for the sake of your mental load, you needed to take responsibility for the SAT. They'll understand.

At least in my kids' classrooms, classroom arrangements, signup genius links, venmo requests, etc. are all done through a group chat via the school's app. All classroom parents are added. Emails are also sent to all classroom parents. Not ONE husband responds to chats, emails, signup genius. It's 100% moms. On the class party day there's decent dad turnout, so I know they're aware. And I know the majority of moms are working moms. It's been like this since daycare!

I also handle most kid admin in my house. My husband is no slouch otherwise, but there are times when I'm underwater and need help and he is completely blind to this kind of work no matter how many app notifications/emails/paperwork are sent. I have to directly ask. Yes, some of it's fluff, no one will die if we forget cookies for the teacher cookie exchange, but we DO need to get the required class shirt, recorder, contribute to group activities, pay for field trips, sign online permission slips, check grades and homework, update parental settings on devices, and on and on. I truly believe the idea that planning around children's lives is "women's work" is so pervasive, the vast majority of men will not change, even if it's subconscious and they present a flexible, equitable mindset.

Do not get me started on Christmas.

Same for us regarding all dads being on these chats and it being totally moms dealing with it. There are two dads (out of 40-some families across two classes) who participate.

And ALL the moms work, and many have jobs every bit as challenging as their husband's. Some are fily breadwinners.

Also, the two dads that participate -- their wives also participate. But for a lot of other families, the dad has zero involvement.

This is a UMC public school in DC. Also, some of the class and PTA stuff is dumb make work (I don't do that) but a lot of this is just necessary stuff -- making sure kids have supplies, knowing deadlines, ensuring there are sufficient chaperones for school trips, disseminating info about aftercare, administrative deadlines, etc.

That's how I know that the women in this thread saying "it's unequal" are not BSing. It's not! And it's not because all the women are bad communicators or just live feeling resentful or whatever. It's because it's just not equal. Most moms work, but few dads do as much parenting/household admin as moms. And that's just the truth. It's no wonder women sometimes complain. It is a testament to our fortitude that we don't complain more.

This is because MEN DON’T CARE about this pointless make-work pissing contest that WOMEN initiate and WOMEN expect other WOMEN to engage in! Even if you ask your husband if he thinks it’s important and he says “yes” he probably doesn’t. You can test this by not doing it - if he doesn’t do it himself, it’s because he simply DOES NOT GIVE A CRAP.

Ok, but when his wife DOES give a crap, or his kids do, you're saying his line is still well I don't care about it?

When we host parties in our house we have a list of things to do/clean beforehand. I'm way more Type A and anal than my husband, so I bet he could name multiple things on the list that he wouldn't do if he were throwing the party himself. But he knows they're important to me, so he does them. Because, you know, he loves me. The reverse is also true, there are things I participate in because they are important to him but not to me because that's the kind of thing you do for the person you married. Of course there are boundaries, and I'm not suggesting that everything is important, but when your spouse or child deems something important and you don't, it's worth looking into. You seem to think that because the husband doesn't care it must be meaningless.

No. That’s not what’s being discussed here. Because the men being excoriated in this thread [b]do what their wives ask them. [/b]But it’s unreasonable to expect someone who thinks what their spouse is asking them to is a waste of time to take over the “mental load” of doing that task and then complain about how they do it (which, to be clear, is to allow said time wasting task to go undone and the mental load associated with it to slip away into the ether…)

Eh, I'm not so sure about that.

Also, see my point above. My husband and I both do things for the other person that we wouldn't otherwise prioritize or make time to do because that's part of being in a partnership with someone.

From the OP:
“can assign him something and he will do it”

If husband doesn’t prioritize the task OP assigns him but he still does it when asked, how is that an example of him not being a good partner?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: Your kids who take the SAT should be signing themselves up. You guys make your own problems.

DP. No, parents have responsibility here. A husband should be capable of knowing this and assigning himself the task. If the husband is too incompetent or cannot be asked, its on the other parent and there is a case for resentment here.

The Venmo for the teacher gifts is optional. Tell the teacher your husband is too incompetent to parent and for the sake of your mental load, you needed to take responsibility for the SAT. They'll understand.

At least in my kids' classrooms, classroom arrangements, signup genius links, venmo requests, etc. are all done through a group chat via the school's app. All classroom parents are added. Emails are also sent to all classroom parents. Not ONE husband responds to chats, emails, signup genius. It's 100% moms. On the class party day there's decent dad turnout, so I know they're aware. And I know the majority of moms are working moms. It's been like this since daycare!

I also handle most kid admin in my house. My husband is no slouch otherwise, but there are times when I'm underwater and need help and he is completely blind to this kind of work no matter how many app notifications/emails/paperwork are sent. I have to directly ask. Yes, some of it's fluff, no one will die if we forget cookies for the teacher cookie exchange, but we DO need to get the required class shirt, recorder, contribute to group activities, pay for field trips, sign online permission slips, check grades and homework, update parental settings on devices, and on and on. I truly believe the idea that planning around children's lives is "women's work" is so pervasive, the vast majority of men will not change, even if it's subconscious and they present a flexible, equitable mindset.

Do not get me started on Christmas.

Same for us regarding all dads being on these chats and it being totally moms dealing with it. There are two dads (out of 40-some families across two classes) who participate.

And ALL the moms work, and many have jobs every bit as challenging as their husband's. Some are fily breadwinners.

Also, the two dads that participate -- their wives also participate. But for a lot of other families, the dad has zero involvement.

This is a UMC public school in DC. Also, some of the class and PTA stuff is dumb make work (I don't do that) but a lot of this is just necessary stuff -- making sure kids have supplies, knowing deadlines, ensuring there are sufficient chaperones for school trips, disseminating info about aftercare, administrative deadlines, etc.

That's how I know that the women in this thread saying "it's unequal" are not BSing. It's not! And it's not because all the women are bad communicators or just live feeling resentful or whatever. It's because it's just not equal. Most moms work, but few dads do as much parenting/household admin as moms. And that's just the truth. It's no wonder women sometimes complain. It is a testament to our fortitude that we don't complain more.

This is because MEN DON’T CARE about this pointless make-work pissing contest that WOMEN initiate and WOMEN expect other WOMEN to engage in! Even if you ask your husband if he thinks it’s important and he says “yes” he probably doesn’t. You can test this by not doing it - if he doesn’t do it himself, it’s because he simply DOES NOT GIVE A CRAP.

Ok, but when his wife DOES give a crap, or his kids do, you're saying his line is still well I don't care about it?

When we host parties in our house we have a list of things to do/clean beforehand. I'm way more Type A and anal than my husband, so I bet he could name multiple things on the list that he wouldn't do if he were throwing the party himself. But he knows they're important to me, so he does them. Because, you know, he loves me. The reverse is also true, there are things I participate in because they are important to him but not to me because that's the kind of thing you do for the person you married. Of course there are boundaries, and I'm not suggesting that everything is important, but when your spouse or child deems something important and you don't, it's worth looking into. You seem to think that because the husband doesn't care it must be meaningless.

No. That’s not what’s being discussed here. Because the men being excoriated in this thread [b]do what their wives ask them. [/b]But it’s unreasonable to expect someone who thinks what their spouse is asking them to is a waste of time to take over the “mental load” of doing that task and then complain about how they do it (which, to be clear, is to allow said time wasting task to go undone and the mental load associated with it to slip away into the ether…)

Eh, I'm not so sure about that.

Also, see my point above. My husband and I both do things for the other person that we wouldn't otherwise prioritize or make time to do because that's part of being in a partnership with someone.

From the OP:
“can assign him something and he will do it”

If husband doesn’t prioritize the task OP assigns him but he still does it when asked, how is that an example of him not being a good partner?

Because saying that you think the tasks your partner prioritizes are stupid, and forcing them to ask you to do them, over and over again, year after year, is corrosive to a marriage.

I mean, if he knows that she has asked him to get gift cards for the kids teachers every year for the last 5 years, why not just do it? Why wait for her to ask?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: Your kids who take the SAT should be signing themselves up. You guys make your own problems.

DP. No, parents have responsibility here. A husband should be capable of knowing this and assigning himself the task. If the husband is too incompetent or cannot be asked, its on the other parent and there is a case for resentment here.

The Venmo for the teacher gifts is optional. Tell the teacher your husband is too incompetent to parent and for the sake of your mental load, you needed to take responsibility for the SAT. They'll understand.

At least in my kids' classrooms, classroom arrangements, signup genius links, venmo requests, etc. are all done through a group chat via the school's app. All classroom parents are added. Emails are also sent to all classroom parents. Not ONE husband responds to chats, emails, signup genius. It's 100% moms. On the class party day there's decent dad turnout, so I know they're aware. And I know the majority of moms are working moms. It's been like this since daycare!

I also handle most kid admin in my house. My husband is no slouch otherwise, but there are times when I'm underwater and need help and he is completely blind to this kind of work no matter how many app notifications/emails/paperwork are sent. I have to directly ask. Yes, some of it's fluff, no one will die if we forget cookies for the teacher cookie exchange, but we DO need to get the required class shirt, recorder, contribute to group activities, pay for field trips, sign online permission slips, check grades and homework, update parental settings on devices, and on and on. I truly believe the idea that planning around children's lives is "women's work" is so pervasive, the vast majority of men will not change, even if it's subconscious and they present a flexible, equitable mindset.

Do not get me started on Christmas.

Same for us regarding all dads being on these chats and it being totally moms dealing with it. There are two dads (out of 40-some families across two classes) who participate.

And ALL the moms work, and many have jobs every bit as challenging as their husband's. Some are fily breadwinners.

Also, the two dads that participate -- their wives also participate. But for a lot of other families, the dad has zero involvement.

This is a UMC public school in DC. Also, some of the class and PTA stuff is dumb make work (I don't do that) but a lot of this is just necessary stuff -- making sure kids have supplies, knowing deadlines, ensuring there are sufficient chaperones for school trips, disseminating info about aftercare, administrative deadlines, etc.

That's how I know that the women in this thread saying "it's unequal" are not BSing. It's not! And it's not because all the women are bad communicators or just live feeling resentful or whatever. It's because it's just not equal. Most moms work, but few dads do as much parenting/household admin as moms. And that's just the truth. It's no wonder women sometimes complain. It is a testament to our fortitude that we don't complain more.

This is because MEN DON’T CARE about this pointless make-work pissing contest that WOMEN initiate and WOMEN expect other WOMEN to engage in! Even if you ask your husband if he thinks it’s important and he says “yes” he probably doesn’t. You can test this by not doing it - if he doesn’t do it himself, it’s because he simply DOES NOT GIVE A CRAP.

Ok, but when his wife DOES give a crap, or his kids do, you're saying his line is still well I don't care about it?

When we host parties in our house we have a list of things to do/clean beforehand. I'm way more Type A and anal than my husband, so I bet he could name multiple things on the list that he wouldn't do if he were throwing the party himself. But he knows they're important to me, so he does them. Because, you know, he loves me. The reverse is also true, there are things I participate in because they are important to him but not to me because that's the kind of thing you do for the person you married. Of course there are boundaries, and I'm not suggesting that everything is important, but when your spouse or child deems something important and you don't, it's worth looking into. You seem to think that because the husband doesn't care it must be meaningless.

No. That’s not what’s being discussed here. Because the men being excoriated in this thread [b]do what their wives ask them. [/b]But it’s unreasonable to expect someone who thinks what their spouse is asking them to is a waste of time to take over the “mental load” of doing that task and then complain about how they do it (which, to be clear, is to allow said time wasting task to go undone and the mental load associated with it to slip away into the ether…)

Eh, I'm not so sure about that.

Also, see my point above. My husband and I both do things for the other person that we wouldn't otherwise prioritize or make time to do because that's part of being in a partnership with someone.

From the OP:
“can assign him something and he will do it”

If husband doesn’t prioritize the task OP assigns him but he still does it when asked, how is that an example of him not being a good partner?

Because saying that you think the tasks your partner prioritizes are stupid, and forcing them to ask you to do them, over and over again, year after year, is corrosive to a marriage.

I mean, if he knows that she has asked him to get gift cards for the kids teachers every year for the last 5 years, why not just do it? Why wait for her to ask?

Choosing to resent your partner over it is also corrosive to a marriage. If you know you're going to need to ask why not just do it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The posters suggesting to not not barely celebrate Christmas or birthdays aren’t very helpful.

You’re also not taking the rest of life into consideration. I can live in a $2 million dollar house, employ a cleaning lady, work a demanding job, exercise etc - but I’m going to drop the ball on Christmas and/or a birthday for my mental health?

Someone who is not celebrating Christmas for their child (assuming you’re Christian) is practically homeless or suffering from severe mental illness.

This post sounds like mental illness. What on earth?

+1! Figure out what "celebrating Christmas" means to you. If it means spending 10,000 hours decorating and buying gifts, and you don't have 10,000 hours to spend, you'll either need to take time from other things, outsource, or not spend 10,000 hours on Christmas. This isn't rocket science. My parents had demanding jobs and we had no other family, so they spend 2 hours decorating and gave my sibling and I one gift each, but that still counted as Christmas because we were celebrating together.

My parents were immigrants who worked themselves to the bone. We'd haul down the plastic Christmas tree from the attic, my brother and I would wrap the lights and tinsel, hang the few ornaments while my dad ran to the toy store to get a He-Man action figure for my brother and a My Little Pony for me. My mom would wrap them and stick them under the tree, and call it a day. Good times, and great memories.

Sounds to me like both of your parents participated.
I think OP is resentful because she has to do everything alone.

OP is not doing everything alone, though. If OP was the mom in the above example, she would be whining about having to remind her DH that it was time to haul the tree down from the attic and ask him to run to the store for the gifts. Her DH does participate. She is whining about her “mental load” which is not really a thing if your actual concern is the kids.

Okay. I literally don’t know anyone who whines because their husband immediately does the thing they asked as soon as they ask and with enthusiasm.
This would be like a man complaining that he always has to initiate sex, but every time he does, his wife gives him an enthusiastic blowjob.

What women complain about is more the equivalent of a man complaining that he has to initiate sex, and every time he does, she will lay there like a starfish and ask how much longer it’s going to take.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: Your kids who take the SAT should be signing themselves up. You guys make your own problems.

DP. No, parents have responsibility here. A husband should be capable of knowing this and assigning himself the task. If the husband is too incompetent or cannot be asked, its on the other parent and there is a case for resentment here.

The Venmo for the teacher gifts is optional. Tell the teacher your husband is too incompetent to parent and for the sake of your mental load, you needed to take responsibility for the SAT. They'll understand.

At least in my kids' classrooms, classroom arrangements, signup genius links, venmo requests, etc. are all done through a group chat via the school's app. All classroom parents are added. Emails are also sent to all classroom parents. Not ONE husband responds to chats, emails, signup genius. It's 100% moms. On the class party day there's decent dad turnout, so I know they're aware. And I know the majority of moms are working moms. It's been like this since daycare!

I also handle most kid admin in my house. My husband is no slouch otherwise, but there are times when I'm underwater and need help and he is completely blind to this kind of work no matter how many app notifications/emails/paperwork are sent. I have to directly ask. Yes, some of it's fluff, no one will die if we forget cookies for the teacher cookie exchange, but we DO need to get the required class shirt, recorder, contribute to group activities, pay for field trips, sign online permission slips, check grades and homework, update parental settings on devices, and on and on. I truly believe the idea that planning around children's lives is "women's work" is so pervasive, the vast majority of men will not change, even if it's subconscious and they present a flexible, equitable mindset.

Do not get me started on Christmas.

Same for us regarding all dads being on these chats and it being totally moms dealing with it. There are two dads (out of 40-some families across two classes) who participate.

And ALL the moms work, and many have jobs every bit as challenging as their husband's. Some are fily breadwinners.

Also, the two dads that participate -- their wives also participate. But for a lot of other families, the dad has zero involvement.

This is a UMC public school in DC. Also, some of the class and PTA stuff is dumb make work (I don't do that) but a lot of this is just necessary stuff -- making sure kids have supplies, knowing deadlines, ensuring there are sufficient chaperones for school trips, disseminating info about aftercare, administrative deadlines, etc.

That's how I know that the women in this thread saying "it's unequal" are not BSing. It's not! And it's not because all the women are bad communicators or just live feeling resentful or whatever. It's because it's just not equal. Most moms work, but few dads do as much parenting/household admin as moms. And that's just the truth. It's no wonder women sometimes complain. It is a testament to our fortitude that we don't complain more.

This is because MEN DON’T CARE about this pointless make-work pissing contest that WOMEN initiate and WOMEN expect other WOMEN to engage in! Even if you ask your husband if he thinks it’s important and he says “yes” he probably doesn’t. You can test this by not doing it - if he doesn’t do it himself, it’s because he simply DOES NOT GIVE A CRAP.

Ok, but when his wife DOES give a crap, or his kids do, you're saying his line is still well I don't care about it?

When we host parties in our house we have a list of things to do/clean beforehand. I'm way more Type A and anal than my husband, so I bet he could name multiple things on the list that he wouldn't do if he were throwing the party himself. But he knows they're important to me, so he does them. Because, you know, he loves me. The reverse is also true, there are things I participate in because they are important to him but not to me because that's the kind of thing you do for the person you married. Of course there are boundaries, and I'm not suggesting that everything is important, but when your spouse or child deems something important and you don't, it's worth looking into. You seem to think that because the husband doesn't care it must be meaningless.

No. That’s not what’s being discussed here. Because the men being excoriated in this thread [b]do what their wives ask them. [/b]But it’s unreasonable to expect someone who thinks what their spouse is asking them to is a waste of time to take over the “mental load” of doing that task and then complain about how they do it (which, to be clear, is to allow said time wasting task to go undone and the mental load associated with it to slip away into the ether…)

Eh, I'm not so sure about that.

Also, see my point above. My husband and I both do things for the other person that we wouldn't otherwise prioritize or make time to do because that's part of being in a partnership with someone.

From the OP:
“can assign him something and he will do it”

If husband doesn’t prioritize the task OP assigns him but he still does it when asked, how is that an example of him not being a good partner?

Because saying that you think the tasks your partner prioritizes are stupid, and forcing them to ask you to do them, over and over again, year after year, is corrosive to a marriage.

I mean, if he knows that she has asked him to get gift cards for the kids teachers every year for the last 5 years, why not just do it? Why wait for her to ask?

Choosing to resent your partner over it is also corrosive to a marriage. If you know you're going to need to ask why not just do it?

So you feel like you should just do whatever you want, 100% of the time, and if your partner is upset about it, then it’s their fault for screwing up the marriage with their resentment?

This sounds like some twisted logic lifted straight from the sexless marriage threads.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The posters suggesting to not not barely celebrate Christmas or birthdays aren’t very helpful.

You’re also not taking the rest of life into consideration. I can live in a $2 million dollar house, employ a cleaning lady, work a demanding job, exercise etc - but I’m going to drop the ball on Christmas and/or a birthday for my mental health?

Someone who is not celebrating Christmas for their child (assuming you’re Christian) is practically homeless or suffering from severe mental illness.

This post sounds like mental illness. What on earth?

+1! Figure out what "celebrating Christmas" means to you. If it means spending 10,000 hours decorating and buying gifts, and you don't have 10,000 hours to spend, you'll either need to take time from other things, outsource, or not spend 10,000 hours on Christmas. This isn't rocket science. My parents had demanding jobs and we had no other family, so they spend 2 hours decorating and gave my sibling and I one gift each, but that still counted as Christmas because we were celebrating together.

My parents were immigrants who worked themselves to the bone. We'd haul down the plastic Christmas tree from the attic, my brother and I would wrap the lights and tinsel, hang the few ornaments while my dad ran to the toy store to get a He-Man action figure for my brother and a My Little Pony for me. My mom would wrap them and stick them under the tree, and call it a day. Good times, and great memories.

Sounds to me like both of your parents participated.
I think OP is resentful because she has to do everything alone.

Would OP be satisfied if all her DH did was a last minute Target run for action figures?

I think she would be satisfied if he volunteered to go and he knew what he wanted to get.

She said that she is upset that he didn’t volunteer to do anything.

We have no idea what happened behind the scenes with PP’s parents. We have no idea if her mother told him to go to Target and what to buy.

Action figure PP here. My dad definitely knew what to buy, because he would take the few minutes to notice us and the toys with which we played. That's why I have good memories. Christmas was that time they could take a break and show us that they did know who we were, even though they were normally away so much working. It didn't take a huge amount of time or money.

No offense, PP, but you probably have no idea about the Christmas conversations and delegating that may or may not have occurred between your parents. The point IMO is that they made it work in order to give you a good childhood and happy memories. Who CARES if Mom was the “project manager” or Dad was, or if they both magically manage to do exactly the right 50% with no reminders or delegating whatsoever?

lol easy for you to say.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote: And, to be clear, she can do the same. Nobody's forcing her to make a "magical" holiday experience. If you don't enjoy it, stop.

I mean, these things are important, to a degree.

But if I'm operating under extreme resentment and loathing because my spouse cannot or will not participate in the child's lives, I'm editing my mental load and protecting my mental health.

Millions of people live perfectly fine lives without ever celebrating Christmas at all, ever. This shit is entirely optional.

That’s total bullsh*t. Depriving your kid of cultural celebrations isn’t abuse per se but it’s really bad parenting. This is obviously just a cope to claim that traditional women’s work has no value.

So people who don't care about Christmas are abusers? You're mental. Get help.

Women's work has value so they should limit how often that value gets tapped without compensation or reciprocation. If you can't figure out how to do that without "depriving your kid of cultural celebrations" you shouldn't have had kids. The radio plays free Christmas music, every mall has a santa, holiday lights are probably all over your neighborhood and walking is free. You don't have to pay money or time to celebrate the holiday, should you choose.

It's "total bullsh*t" that this thread is this long and some of y'all still can't figure this out for your allegedly-grown selves, let alone the children you love and overprotect so damned much. God help their future spouses!

All of those things you listed take time. And you probably should not have kids if you don’t want to create a happy home for them.

So you want to create a happy home? Like this is a choice you make because you want it, not a burden thrust on you?

I want men to take equal responsibility to create a happy home and not freeload on women and then if called on it, claim that the only thing kids need is food and water.

Who gets to decide when is the home happy?
Women just can't grasp how little it actually takes to make a man happy. They need about 3 things and women need about 1,000. And women can't understand why men don't just jump and complete 500 chores that he doesn't care about or even think to do because happiness was achieved 997 chores ago

What about the kids?

450 of those chores are for the kids. You misinterpret them as being for your wife's "happiness" when she's really just trying to help you fulfill your obligation as a dad.

AND because she has the ability to engage in planning a long term thinking, she also understand that a lot of what she's trying to get you to do is actually essential to your longterm happiness. Because if you do what you want, which is the bare minimum, your kids will eventually come to resent you and not want to spend time with you. And there is going to come a day when you suddenly want a family around you who cares about you. And you're going to be mad when your kids are like "Sorry, Dad, I'm so busy with work. Happy birthday though." Even though this is literally what you did to them and your wife for decades. This is precisely what all those things she's trying to get you to do is designed to prevent, but you are too shortsighted to realize this.

You will wind up angry and alone and wondering why your family has abandoned you, and I'm here to tell you that it's because you refused to give a damn about the happiness of your wife or children so they stopped giving a damn about yours.

This is a thread about optional tasks. It’s clear many of the posters here are unable to decide what’s important and prioritize.

The only person who ends up angry is the person who cannot prioritize and thinks her whole family should do the things she thinks is important.
-a woman who doesn’t engage in fake work

Is celebrating the holidays optional when you have kids?

Holidays, real vacations, sports, and experiences were not done at my aspergers in law’s home. Neither were birthday cakes.

Guess how they all turned out!?

Just fine?

1 divorced narc son with no friends or relationship w his kids. He works. No hobbies or friends.

1 unemployed single 42 yo son still living with them. Churns through hobbies and friends.

The 70-something parents have no friends, jsut cook, cook, read books, dont talk to each other much, and watch two movies a day for the last 5 decades.

Oh wow. Why would you marry someone like your ex DH and his loser family?

Because that is the best she could do.

Well hopefully she didn’t have kids with him. A lot of this is genetic as she can see.

Her lack of good judgment and her poor reflection ability is genetic too.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote: Your kids who take the SAT should be signing themselves up. You guys make your own problems.

DP. No, parents have responsibility here. A husband should be capable of knowing this and assigning himself the task. If the husband is too incompetent or cannot be asked, its on the other parent and there is a case for resentment here.

The Venmo for the teacher gifts is optional. Tell the teacher your husband is too incompetent to parent and for the sake of your mental load, you needed to take responsibility for the SAT. They'll understand.

At least in my kids' classrooms, classroom arrangements, signup genius links, venmo requests, etc. are all done through a group chat via the school's app. All classroom parents are added. Emails are also sent to all classroom parents. Not ONE husband responds to chats, emails, signup genius. It's 100% moms. On the class party day there's decent dad turnout, so I know they're aware. And I know the majority of moms are working moms. It's been like this since daycare!

I also handle most kid admin in my house. My husband is no slouch otherwise, but there are times when I'm underwater and need help and he is completely blind to this kind of work no matter how many app notifications/emails/paperwork are sent. I have to directly ask. Yes, some of it's fluff, no one will die if we forget cookies for the teacher cookie exchange, but we DO need to get the required class shirt, recorder, contribute to group activities, pay for field trips, sign online permission slips, check grades and homework, update parental settings on devices, and on and on. I truly believe the idea that planning around children's lives is "women's work" is so pervasive, the vast majority of men will not change, even if it's subconscious and they present a flexible, equitable mindset.

Do not get me started on Christmas.

Same for us regarding all dads being on these chats and it being totally moms dealing with it. There are two dads (out of 40-some families across two classes) who participate.

And ALL the moms work, and many have jobs every bit as challenging as their husband's. Some are fily breadwinners.

Also, the two dads that participate -- their wives also participate. But for a lot of other families, the dad has zero involvement.

This is a UMC public school in DC. Also, some of the class and PTA stuff is dumb make work (I don't do that) but a lot of this is just necessary stuff -- making sure kids have supplies, knowing deadlines, ensuring there are sufficient chaperones for school trips, disseminating info about aftercare, administrative deadlines, etc.

That's how I know that the women in this thread saying "it's unequal" are not BSing. It's not! And it's not because all the women are bad communicators or just live feeling resentful or whatever. It's because it's just not equal. Most moms work, but few dads do as much parenting/household admin as moms. And that's just the truth. It's no wonder women sometimes complain. It is a testament to our fortitude that we don't complain more.

This is because MEN DON’T CARE about this pointless make-work pissing contest that WOMEN initiate and WOMEN expect other WOMEN to engage in! Even if you ask your husband if he thinks it’s important and he says “yes” he probably doesn’t. You can test this by not doing it - if he doesn’t do it himself, it’s because he simply DOES NOT GIVE A CRAP.

Ok, but when his wife DOES give a crap, or his kids do, you're saying his line is still well I don't care about it?

When we host parties in our house we have a list of things to do/clean beforehand. I'm way more Type A and anal than my husband, so I bet he could name multiple things on the list that he wouldn't do if he were throwing the party himself. But he knows they're important to me, so he does them. Because, you know, he loves me. The reverse is also true, there are things I participate in because they are important to him but not to me because that's the kind of thing you do for the person you married. Of course there are boundaries, and I'm not suggesting that everything is important, but when your spouse or child deems something important and you don't, it's worth looking into. You seem to think that because the husband doesn't care it must be meaningless.

No. That’s not what’s being discussed here. Because the men being excoriated in this thread [b]do what their wives ask them. [/b]But it’s unreasonable to expect someone who thinks what their spouse is asking them to is a waste of time to take over the “mental load” of doing that task and then complain about how they do it (which, to be clear, is to allow said time wasting task to go undone and the mental load associated with it to slip away into the ether…)

Eh, I'm not so sure about that.

Also, see my point above. My husband and I both do things for the other person that we wouldn't otherwise prioritize or make time to do because that's part of being in a partnership with someone.

From the OP:
“can assign him something and he will do it”

If husband doesn’t prioritize the task OP assigns him but he still does it when asked, how is that an example of him not being a good partner?

Because saying that you think the tasks your partner prioritizes are stupid, and forcing them to ask you to do them, over and over again, year after year, is corrosive to a marriage.

I mean, if he knows that she has asked him to get gift cards for the kids teachers every year for the last 5 years, why not just do it? Why wait for her to ask?

Bolded is the disconnect. This is a pointless conversation- you will NEVER understand what I mean by that.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:The posters suggesting to not not barely celebrate Christmas or birthdays aren’t very helpful.

You’re also not taking the rest of life into consideration. I can live in a $2 million dollar house, employ a cleaning lady, work a demanding job, exercise etc - but I’m going to drop the ball on Christmas and/or a birthday for my mental health?

Someone who is not celebrating Christmas for their child (assuming you’re Christian) is practically homeless or suffering from severe mental illness.

This post sounds like mental illness. What on earth?

+1! Figure out what "celebrating Christmas" means to you. If it means spending 10,000 hours decorating and buying gifts, and you don't have 10,000 hours to spend, you'll either need to take time from other things, outsource, or not spend 10,000 hours on Christmas. This isn't rocket science. My parents had demanding jobs and we had no other family, so they spend 2 hours decorating and gave my sibling and I one gift each, but that still counted as Christmas because we were celebrating together.

My parents were immigrants who worked themselves to the bone. We'd haul down the plastic Christmas tree from the attic, my brother and I would wrap the lights and tinsel, hang the few ornaments while my dad ran to the toy store to get a He-Man action figure for my brother and a My Little Pony for me. My mom would wrap them and stick them under the tree, and call it a day. Good times, and great memories.

Sounds to me like both of your parents participated.
I think OP is resentful because she has to do everything alone.

OP is not doing everything alone, though. If OP was the mom in the above example, she would be whining about having to remind her DH that it was time to haul the tree down from the attic and ask him to run to the store for the gifts. Her DH does participate. She is whining about her “mental load” which is not really a thing if your actual concern is the kids.

Okay. I literally don’t know anyone who whines because their husband immediately does the thing they asked as soon as they ask and with enthusiasm.
This would be like a man complaining that he always has to initiate sex, but every time he does, his wife gives him an enthusiastic blowjob.

What women complain about is more the equivalent of a man complaining that he has to initiate sex, and every time he does, she will lay there like a starfish and ask how much longer it’s going to take.

But that’s *literally* what this thread is about. Move the goalposts all you want, you’re still wrong.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The posters suggesting to not not barely celebrate Christmas or birthdays aren’t very helpful.

You’re also not taking the rest of life into consideration. I can live in a $2 million dollar house, employ a cleaning lady, work a demanding job, exercise etc - but I’m going to drop the ball on Christmas and/or a birthday for my mental health?

Someone who is not celebrating Christmas for their child (assuming you’re Christian) is practically homeless or suffering from severe mental illness.

This post sounds like mental illness. What on earth?

+1! Figure out what "celebrating Christmas" means to you. If it means spending 10,000 hours decorating and buying gifts, and you don't have 10,000 hours to spend, you'll either need to take time from other things, outsource, or not spend 10,000 hours on Christmas. This isn't rocket science. My parents had demanding jobs and we had no other family, so they spend 2 hours decorating and gave my sibling and I one gift each, but that still counted as Christmas because we were celebrating together.

My parents were immigrants who worked themselves to the bone. We'd haul down the plastic Christmas tree from the attic, my brother and I would wrap the lights and tinsel, hang the few ornaments while my dad ran to the toy store to get a He-Man action figure for my brother and a My Little Pony for me. My mom would wrap them and stick them under the tree, and call it a day. Good times, and great memories.

Sounds to me like both of your parents participated.
I think OP is resentful because she has to do everything alone.

Would OP be satisfied if all her DH did was a last minute Target run for action figures?

I think she would be satisfied if he volunteered to go and he knew what he wanted to get.

She said that she is upset that he didn’t volunteer to do anything.

We have no idea what happened behind the scenes with PP’s parents. We have no idea if her mother told him to go to Target and what to buy.

Action figure PP here. My dad definitely knew what to buy, because he would take the few minutes to notice us and the toys with which we played. That's why I have good memories. Christmas was that time they could take a break and show us that they did know who we were, even though they were normally away so much working. It didn't take a huge amount of time or money.

No offense, PP, but you probably have no idea about the Christmas conversations and delegating that may or may not have occurred between your parents. The point IMO is that they made it work in order to give you a good childhood and happy memories. Who CARES if Mom was the “project manager” or Dad was, or if they both magically manage to do exactly the right 50% with no reminders or delegating whatsoever?

What a strange response. You don’t think that as a kid I’d know if my dad knows what toys I play with? Kids aren’t dumb. Of course I wouldn’t have known all the conversations and delegations, but I would certainly notice if all the work is primarily done by one parent and the second has no clue what is going on. And I would definitely notice if the parent doing all the work resented the situation. That sort of thing is extremely obvious to kids because parents usually do a poor job of hiding it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The posters suggesting to not not barely celebrate Christmas or birthdays aren’t very helpful.

You’re also not taking the rest of life into consideration. I can live in a $2 million dollar house, employ a cleaning lady, work a demanding job, exercise etc - but I’m going to drop the ball on Christmas and/or a birthday for my mental health?

Someone who is not celebrating Christmas for their child (assuming you’re Christian) is practically homeless or suffering from severe mental illness.

This post sounds like mental illness. What on earth?

+1! Figure out what "celebrating Christmas" means to you. If it means spending 10,000 hours decorating and buying gifts, and you don't have 10,000 hours to spend, you'll either need to take time from other things, outsource, or not spend 10,000 hours on Christmas. This isn't rocket science. My parents had demanding jobs and we had no other family, so they spend 2 hours decorating and gave my sibling and I one gift each, but that still counted as Christmas because we were celebrating together.

My parents were immigrants who worked themselves to the bone. We'd haul down the plastic Christmas tree from the attic, my brother and I would wrap the lights and tinsel, hang the few ornaments while my dad ran to the toy store to get a He-Man action figure for my brother and a My Little Pony for me. My mom would wrap them and stick them under the tree, and call it a day. Good times, and great memories.

Sounds to me like both of your parents participated.
I think OP is resentful because she has to do everything alone.

Would OP be satisfied if all her DH did was a last minute Target run for action figures?

I think she would be satisfied if he volunteered to go and he knew what he wanted to get.

She said that she is upset that he didn’t volunteer to do anything.

We have no idea what happened behind the scenes with PP’s parents. We have no idea if her mother told him to go to Target and what to buy.

Action figure PP here. My dad definitely knew what to buy, because he would take the few minutes to notice us and the toys with which we played. That's why I have good memories. Christmas was that time they could take a break and show us that they did know who we were, even though they were normally away so much working. It didn't take a huge amount of time or money.

No offense, PP, but you probably have no idea about the Christmas conversations and delegating that may or may not have occurred between your parents. The point IMO is that they made it work in order to give you a good childhood and happy memories. Who CARES if Mom was the “project manager” or Dad was, or if they both magically manage to do exactly the right 50% with no reminders or delegating whatsoever?

What a strange response. You don’t think that as a kid I’d know if my dad knows what toys I play with? Kids aren’t dumb. Of course I wouldn’t have known all the conversations and delegations, but I would certainly notice if all the work is primarily done by one parent and the second has no clue what is going on. And I would definitely notice if the parent doing all the work resented the situation. That sort of thing is extremely obvious to kids because parents usually do a poor job of hiding it.

DP. The standards on fathers today are higher than our own fathers (as it should be). I doubt mothers who were raising kids in the He-man/Little Pony would be as resentful for the mental load. What would your mother say? I had to say - you go to Kmart and buy actions figures, I’ll finish dinner and wrap when you get home. He didn’t just volunteer? Or know which task to take? Would she resent that? Seems unlikely for that generation.

But that’s what we’re talking about today. Also - children are very naive about the behind the scenes discussions between parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The posters suggesting to not not barely celebrate Christmas or birthdays aren’t very helpful.

You’re also not taking the rest of life into consideration. I can live in a $2 million dollar house, employ a cleaning lady, work a demanding job, exercise etc - but I’m going to drop the ball on Christmas and/or a birthday for my mental health?

Someone who is not celebrating Christmas for their child (assuming you’re Christian) is practically homeless or suffering from severe mental illness.

This post sounds like mental illness. What on earth?

+1! Figure out what "celebrating Christmas" means to you. If it means spending 10,000 hours decorating and buying gifts, and you don't have 10,000 hours to spend, you'll either need to take time from other things, outsource, or not spend 10,000 hours on Christmas. This isn't rocket science. My parents had demanding jobs and we had no other family, so they spend 2 hours decorating and gave my sibling and I one gift each, but that still counted as Christmas because we were celebrating together.

My parents were immigrants who worked themselves to the bone. We'd haul down the plastic Christmas tree from the attic, my brother and I would wrap the lights and tinsel, hang the few ornaments while my dad ran to the toy store to get a He-Man action figure for my brother and a My Little Pony for me. My mom would wrap them and stick them under the tree, and call it a day. Good times, and great memories.

Sounds to me like both of your parents participated.
I think OP is resentful because she has to do everything alone.

OP is not doing everything alone, though. If OP was the mom in the above example, she would be whining about having to remind her DH that it was time to haul the tree down from the attic and ask him to run to the store for the gifts. Her DH does participate. She is whining about her “mental load” which is not really a thing if your actual concern is the kids.

Okay. I literally don’t know anyone who whines because their husband immediately does the thing they asked as soon as they ask and with enthusiasm.
This would be like a man complaining that he always has to initiate sex, but every time he does, his wife gives him an enthusiastic blowjob.

What women complain about is more the equivalent of a man complaining that he has to initiate sex, and every time he does, she will lay there like a starfish and ask how much longer it’s going to take.

But that’s *literally* what this thread is about. Move the goalposts all you want, you’re still wrong.

Even in a modern marriage with men actively participating, it’s almost always up to the DW to assign tasks and make all household decisions. Yet my DH can manage a complex job with many direct reports. I don’t believe he can’t manage buying teacher gifts or signing up for aftercare. Instead, he doesn’t care and knows I’ll do it. What this means is that I have an extra burden he doesn’t have - all the admin work. We both have FT jobs and present for the kids and then I have an admin job on top of it all.

Men are great at prioritizing themselves and their careers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The posters suggesting to not not barely celebrate Christmas or birthdays aren’t very helpful.

You’re also not taking the rest of life into consideration. I can live in a $2 million dollar house, employ a cleaning lady, work a demanding job, exercise etc - but I’m going to drop the ball on Christmas and/or a birthday for my mental health?

Someone who is not celebrating Christmas for their child (assuming you’re Christian) is practically homeless or suffering from severe mental illness.

This post sounds like mental illness. What on earth?

+1! Figure out what "celebrating Christmas" means to you. If it means spending 10,000 hours decorating and buying gifts, and you don't have 10,000 hours to spend, you'll either need to take time from other things, outsource, or not spend 10,000 hours on Christmas. This isn't rocket science. My parents had demanding jobs and we had no other family, so they spend 2 hours decorating and gave my sibling and I one gift each, but that still counted as Christmas because we were celebrating together.

My parents were immigrants who worked themselves to the bone. We'd haul down the plastic Christmas tree from the attic, my brother and I would wrap the lights and tinsel, hang the few ornaments while my dad ran to the toy store to get a He-Man action figure for my brother and a My Little Pony for me. My mom would wrap them and stick them under the tree, and call it a day. Good times, and great memories.

Sounds to me like both of your parents participated.
I think OP is resentful because she has to do everything alone.

Would OP be satisfied if all her DH did was a last minute Target run for action figures?

I think she would be satisfied if he volunteered to go and he knew what he wanted to get.

She said that she is upset that he didn’t volunteer to do anything.

We have no idea what happened behind the scenes with PP’s parents. We have no idea if her mother told him to go to Target and what to buy.

Action figure PP here. My dad definitely knew what to buy, because he would take the few minutes to notice us and the toys with which we played. That's why I have good memories. Christmas was that time they could take a break and show us that they did know who we were, even though they were normally away so much working. It didn't take a huge amount of time or money.

No offense, PP, but you probably have no idea about the Christmas conversations and delegating that may or may not have occurred between your parents. The point IMO is that they made it work in order to give you a good childhood and happy memories. Who CARES if Mom was the “project manager” or Dad was, or if they both magically manage to do exactly the right 50% with no reminders or delegating whatsoever?

What a strange response. You don’t think that as a kid I’d know if my dad knows what toys I play with? Kids aren’t dumb. Of course I wouldn’t have known all the conversations and delegations, but I would certainly notice if all the work is primarily done by one parent and the second has no clue what is going on. And I would definitely notice if the parent doing all the work resented the situation. That sort of thing is extremely obvious to kids because parents usually do a poor job of hiding it.

DP. The standards on fathers today are higher than our own fathers (as it should be). I doubt mothers who were raising kids in the He-man/Little Pony would be as resentful for the mental load. What would your mother say? I had to say - you go to Kmart and buy actions figures, I’ll finish dinner and wrap when you get home. He didn’t just volunteer? Or know which task to take? Would she resent that? Seems unlikely for that generation.

But that’s what we’re talking about today. Also - children are very naive about the behind the scenes discussions between parents.

My mother was an 80s housewife without a job. She DGAF if she had to buy Christmas presents and plan the vacation. That was her job. Now I have a FT job AND still have to manage the vacation and buy presents.