ILs comments on our house
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
|
Every time my ILs visit (maybe once every other month), they make comments about are house. I'm often hurt or feel defensive, and as a result, I pretty much dread their visits.
Their commentary is constant--when are you going to do this? Why haven't you updated that? Have you noticed the carpet pulling up over here? I see you haven't found a piece for that wall... We have a nice house, but two small kids. We are saving for retirement, college funds and vacations, and as a result, we are doing updates and improvements at a very "measured" pace. We've done must-dos, like a new roof and new HVAC and new water heater. We've done a few nice-to-haves, like new hardwood in the dining room, but there is a lot of aesthetic stuff yet to do. We need new carpet and fresh paint here or there. Nothing is obviously "wrong," it's just that we haven't done everything we want to do. We are saving and doing one thing at a time, and we refuse to go into debt or take money out of savings for nice-to-haves. The kicker is, their house is far from grand. It is tiny, and hasn't been updated/renovated in years, except for replacing appliances. The carpeting and wallpaper are worn and outdated, and the furniture is mismatched and uncomfortable, except for one or two pieces that had to be replaced. I'm not saying this to be critical, I'm just pointing out that their house is far from perfect--thus, their comments are really hypocriticial, in addition to being hurtful. Should I say something, or just let it go? It bothers me every time they visit, and I'd rather just confront it if one awkward conversation would stop the pattern. WWYD? |
Anonymous
| Go visit them and do the same. |
Anonymous
| This is a spouse issue. After the second comment, spouse says, "Okay mom, okay dad, that's it with the comments. Our house isn't perfect, but it's perfectly fine for us. Stop with the comments." |
Anonymous
| Your husband needs to pipe up here |
Anonymous
|
OP, are you me?! ILs (really just FIL) do this CONSTANTLY. When we move to a larger, nicer, newer house I thought it would stop but it hasn't. We are in the same boat - have a long list of things we'd like to do, but small kids and demanding jobs are the focus right now. And the new roof just doesn't make a visual impression?
DH is just as annoyed as I am. He has said things, both privately and in public, and it didn't change a thing. So we started saying "You're right! We do need to pull those weeds! I'm feeding the baby, though - feel free to do it yourself! We won't mind!" Sometimes we get free yardwork and sometimes he shuts up. |
Anonymous
|
I'd stop having them over.
I turned 40 this year, and I had this realization that it's just not worth trying to accommodate people who are mean. You don't have to be mean back. But you do have to disengage. So someone repeatedly insults my home, that's fine. I won't invite them over. We'll go out to dinner. We'll go to a park. It doesn't have to be hostile. But there's no need to suffer. There's no reason they have to be invited to your house. It's really rather liberating once you realize you can just disengage. I wouldn't even respond to their comments. I also disagree with the "your husband should speak up." No, I'm certain if grown adults don't understand it's rude to constantly insult someone and pick apart their home when you are a guest, then your husband saying something isn't going to change them at this point. Instead of focusing on trying to alter their behavior, just change the situation so that they don't have the opportunity to be nasty. Plan outings. Suggest a picnic and say you'll meet them there. Suggest bowling and say you'll meet them there. Period. End of story. |
Anonymous
| Tell IL's you are doing things gradually and have other financial priorities. Then tell them if they feel something needs to be done now and will cover the cost you will have it taken care of immediately. |
Anonymous
| Houses in the dc area are expensive, it takes at least 1.5 million to get what middle class in other areas have |
Anonymous
|
Give them some quid pro quo!
"Oh, we plan on repainting next fall. That reminds me...what are your plans for replacing the carpet in your living room?" "Ufortunately, we can't afford new carpet in the basement right now. That reminds me...when are you going to get around to buying a new sofa? The one you have now is really uncomfortable." |
Anonymous
OP, please listen to this post, above. It's your husband's job to say this just as it would be your job if it were your family making such comments. Also , are your in-laws otherwise OK? If so, I would plan with husband what he'll say next time there's a comment ( winging a response can result in saying things that are too harsh or too vague and ending up in an unwanted defense of your choices). Then next time a comment comes, he says his brief piece and you and he immediately change the subject. "Mom, you often say things like you just said about house upgrades. We do know what needs doing but will do things on our own schedule. I know the house is not perfect but it's perfect for us right now. So speak up if you have something positive to say about the house, but otherwise let's just focus elsewhere, thanks.---Now, let us show you Junior's latest artwork--Junior, show grandma your drawing!" Repeat as needed. "Mom, remember, I mentioned last month, we have our own priorities for the house. Hey, there's a new restaurant we're trying tonight if you want..." If they are otherwise OK and not critical in general, maybe MIL is a person who finds it hard at times to make small talk so she reverts to one topic. Or maybe she wishes her own house were different but she can't make changes or FIL won't spend the money or whatever.... I'm just noting that as irritating as this all is, it isn't a hill to die on unless it's part of a real pattern of ongoing criticism of all your and DH's choices. I would bet MIL may not even realize she brings this up at each visit . |
Anonymous
|
I'm surprised no one has brought up this point yet...
You said their house is small, and has its own needs for updgrades/improvements. Is your house larger? Generally nicer? Could it be that they are jealous/insecure, and might be trying to bring you down a few pegs? |
Anonymous
lol, love this |
Anonymous
| Breezy laugh, then: "We are so busy and have so much going on that we haven't given that much thought. What house projects have you been working on lately?" |
Anonymous
|
"I don't think it's nice to comment"
Unless they somehow have had a financial interest in the house, they are in no position of power over you. If they are rude, you need to tell them their comments are rude. But also do not make "your house" the topic of conversation. Once it's the topic, it's hard to control where the conversation goes ... |
Anonymous
|
"Have the seen the state of your house? OK, I don't think we need to comment on each other's houses." |