ILs comments on our house

[Anonymous]

"Oh I know! I'm sure you remember that there always seems to be something to replace or buy when you're a young family in an aging house. Would you be able to lend a hand? We'd love some help if you're offering!"

That ought to do it.

[Anonymous]

Just be honest next time they make a comment like that. "Sally, Stan, when you point our flaws in our house it hurts my feelings. Can we talk about something else, please?"

[Anonymous]

How is this for a hypocrite parent/PIL? MY FIL has two bathrooms and two toilers, none work properly at all. Yet, he never stops criticizing how we should do something. So my DH suggested they just go to Home Depot and pick up a toilet and he will install it. FIL refused to, since he has to research toilets first and see which one is the best so he doesn't end up with a bad "crapper." How can it be worse than the non working ones?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell IL's you are doing things gradually and have other financial priorities. Then tell them if they feel something needs to be done now and will cover the cost you will have it taken care of immediately.

"I'll get some quotes on that and send them to you."

[Anonymous]

My own mom is this way. If she had her way, we could go on for hours about the many, many things that need to be updated/replaced in our house and how it should be done, etc., etc. It's extra fun for her if she can pit me and dh against each other in any aspect of it whatsoever. DH thinks we need to work on the landscaping but I would rather replace the flooring, ooh, maybe there'll be a big disagreement. Her house is smaller than ours and needs just as many updates. Not that our house is falling apart. Like OP, we're not going into deep debt for aesthetic upgrades. And we have a small child and we both work and it's not a priority for us right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Breezy laugh, then: "We are so busy and have so much going on that we haven't given that much thought. What house projects have you been working on lately?"

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Oh I know! I'm sure you remember that there always seems to be something to replace or buy when you're a young family in an aging house. Would you be able to lend a hand? We'd love some help if you're offering!"

That ought to do it.

This

[Anonymous]

Once I had a sister in law visit and critique my furniture placement. She proceeded to start moving furniture around to see how it would look. She was offended when I asked her to stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd stop having them over.

I turned 40 this year, and I had this realization that it's just not worth trying to accommodate people who are mean. You don't have to be mean back. But you do have to disengage.

So someone repeatedly insults my home, that's fine. I won't invite them over. We'll go out to dinner. We'll go to a park. It doesn't have to be hostile. But there's no need to suffer. There's no reason they have to be invited to your house.

It's really rather liberating once you realize you can just disengage. I wouldn't even respond to their comments. I also disagree with the "your husband should speak up."

No, I'm certain if grown adults don't understand it's rude to constantly insult someone and pick apart their home when you are a guest, then your husband saying something isn't going to change them at this point.

Instead of focusing on trying to alter their behavior, just change the situation so that they don't have the opportunity to be nasty. Plan outings. Suggest a picnic and say you'll meet them there. Suggest bowling and say you'll meet them there. Period. End of story.

+1

Done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Once I had a sister in law visit and critique my furniture placement. She proceeded to start moving furniture around to see how it would look. She was offended when I asked her to stop.

All of my SILs do things like this, but I'm totally fine with it. They are better at it than I am, but I do their gardens.

[Anonymous]

My dad was doing something similar on an unrelated topic and it was driving my husband nuts. I knew he meant no harm so in one visit, I said - Dad, you probably haven't noticed but every time you visit, you comment on X. It's kind of a sore subject for DH.

He had no idea he had been doing this. He's getting older and to him, it was just idle chit chat. He hasn't brought it up since and our convo didn't seem to hurt my dad's feelings so it all worked out.

Any chance your ILs would be receptive to something like that?

[Anonymous]

Are you ballsy?

My mother used to do this, not so much with repairs, but household chores. "When is the last time you watered that plant?" "Do you need a new mop?" It was awful.

Then one Thanksgiving my Dad, DH and I made a bet. We each kicked in $10 and chose a comment we thought my mom would make. Then we waited. When she finally said one of the chosen things, we all whooped and hollered and made a big deal of exchanging the money. (I won, btw.) It was a lighthearted way to point out what she was doing. It was also just embarrassing enough to her that she dramatically cut back on the behavior. She will still slip up from time to time, but will apologize and joke about who needs to pay up.

[Anonymous]

In the scheme of things, this is a bit "so what?"

Sounds like you have a rather ordinary house with the ordinary "failings" all our houses have when we have little kids and limited funds.

Just. Tune.It.Out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell IL's you are doing things gradually and have other financial priorities. Then tell them if they feel something needs to be done now and will cover the cost you will have it taken care of immediately.

Np here with a mom like this and this is what I tell her. She's just effing nuts. I tell her "it's not really a priority right now." Next time she asks, I tell her "it's not in our budget this year." Then I flat out say "we can't afford it." And she still badgers me about it. "Mom, if you don't like our front porch, you can certainly pay to have it redone."

[Anonymous]

I see you've forgotten what it's like to have small children. We're trying to get to things in the order of importance but we don't have that much time for home renovations. Thanks.