ILs comments on our house

[Anonymous]

As a new MIL, I'm going to take this thread to heart. I hadn't realized people were sensitive about this subject, since I don't take it personally if someone talks about things in my rather shabby house that could be fixed or improved. It's an inanimate object I use for shelter.

BUT, since it's a sensitive issue, especially coming from a parent/in-law, I'm going to be careful, having read the reactions here. I've only been to their house once, since they live on the other side of the country. I was excited that they'd bought, and was asking them some questions about what they planned to do, if anything, just out of interest. I don't actually care whether they do anything with the house, and I certainly don't judge. And they're both very busy. I hope they didn't take it wrong.

[Anonymous]

Whats with all the unnecessary bitchy comments? Why stoop to their level?

I would have laughed off the mean comments from ILs with a breezy "Ugh, I know! I have been after DH for the past year with a 'Honey Do' list but he thinks that we should get nicer things only after the kids are little older. What do you think? What did you do when your kids were little? Did you wait to make improvements? What do you think he should tackle right now and what can be postponed?"

I usually inundate them with a barrage of questions for every comment and they are happy to pass the time answering these questions. Most of the time MIL and FIL disagree on things so asking them questions like these will keep them busy for hours going over everything in detail.

When some one is being unpleasant you can always redirect the conversation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Once I had a sister in law visit and critique my furniture placement. She proceeded to start moving furniture around to see how it would look. She was offended when I asked her to stop.

All of my SILs do things like this, but I'm totally fine with it. They are better at it than I am, but I do their gardens.

Most people are not fine with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd stop having them over.

I turned 40 this year, and I had this realization that it's just not worth trying to accommodate people who are mean. You don't have to be mean back. But you do have to disengage.

So someone repeatedly insults my home, that's fine. I won't invite them over. We'll go out to dinner. We'll go to a park. It doesn't have to be hostile. But there's no need to suffer. There's no reason they have to be invited to your house.

It's really rather liberating once you realize you can just disengage. I wouldn't even respond to their comments. I also disagree with the "your husband should speak up."

No, I'm certain if grown adults don't understand it's rude to constantly insult someone and pick apart their home when you are a guest, then your husband saying something isn't going to change them at this point.

Instead of focusing on trying to alter their behavior, just change the situation so that they don't have the opportunity to be nasty. Plan outings. Suggest a picnic and say you'll meet them there. Suggest bowling and say you'll meet them there. Period. End of story.

+1000. DH stopped talking to his brother who loved to criticize him about everything, including our home. Now DH only communicates with him by email.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a new MIL, I'm going to take this thread to heart. I hadn't realized people were sensitive about this subject, since I don't take it personally if someone talks about things in my rather shabby house that could be fixed or improved. It's an inanimate object I use for shelter.

BUT, since it's a sensitive issue, especially coming from a parent/in-law, I'm going to be careful, having read the reactions here. I've only been to their house once, since they live on the other side of the country. I was excited that they'd bought, and was asking them some questions about what they planned to do, if anything, just out of interest. I don't actually care whether they do anything with the house, and I certainly don't judge. And they're both very busy. I hope they didn't take it wrong.

I'm sure if you stop there, you're fine; the first time you see a house, it's natural to ask a bit more than usual.

But you really must stop there. Remember that this is someone else's house, even if that someone else is family. It is incredibly rude to walk into someone's home and essentially comment that their house isn't good enough. You are a GUEST, act like a GUEST.

Now, if they bring it up, and ask what you think, of course feel free to engage in conversation. But other than that, keep it positive. "Oh, I love the new curtains you put in" is a very welcome comment. "When are you going to replace those curtains?" is NOT.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dad was doing something similar on an unrelated topic and it was driving my husband nuts. I knew he meant no harm so in one visit, I said - Dad, you probably haven't noticed but every time you visit, you comment on X. It's kind of a sore subject for DH.

He had no idea he had been doing this. He's getting older and to him, it was just idle chit chat. He hasn't brought it up since and our convo didn't seem to hurt my dad's feelings so it all worked out.

Any chance your ILs would be receptive to something like that?

PP here. You knew he meant no harm, so you knew that telling him it was a sore subject would help.

That's not always the case. Sometimes inlaws DO mean harm. They do it on purpose for any number of reasons. And then if they are told that it actually upsets you, they get even worse because they know it works.

I know it sounds cynical, but sometimes these aren't innocent comments. They're meant to belittle. Perhaps it's jealousy. Perhaps they have some other issue. But DH telling them it upsets OP might make it worse.

That's why all of the snappy comebacks people are mentioning are a bad idea. Because if the inlaws are rude, the comebacks will only escalate the situation. Or they'll turn it around and all gossip about how rude and mean OP is.

The key to dealing with people like OP's inlaws is to step back and disengage. They're passive-aggressive. Matching them with passive-aggressive behavior isn't going to stop them. It will only push them to up the ante. Telling them their passive-aggressive behavior has achieved its intended result won't help either. You neutralize them by not giving them the opportunity to be passive-aggressive.

It's really a liberating concept. I spent years trying to deal with passive-aggressive people by appealing to their compassion. It never worked, and then I ended up more hurt and insulted. I also tried responding with witty comebacks, but that just escalated it all and caused me more anxiety. Now I've been practicing this new approach, and it's amazing.

Someone texts me something kind of snarky that he/she knows will upset me. I just delete and ignore. I don't respond. And guess what? They eventually stop doing it.

A SIL constantly made really nasty comments about where we lived. Guess what? We don't invite them over. She has moved on to other kinds of insults. I just ignore her. Sometimes I actually just walk away. That frustrates her more than any witty comeback. And the insults and nasty remarks have definitely decreased because she doesn't get what she wants out of them -- a reaction.

You can't control another person. You can't make a rude person suddenly become polite. But you can often control the setting, the amount of time you interact with them, where you interact with them, and often you can simply ignore them.

I think people confuse bullies with passive-aggressive people. Bullies -- who are directly aggressive -- can sometimes be confronted and will stop. People who are passive-aggressive don't respond the same to confrontation. They often use it as an excuse to be even more passive-aggressive and to paint you as the bully.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a new MIL, I'm going to take this thread to heart. I hadn't realized people were sensitive about this subject, since I don't take it personally if someone talks about things in my rather shabby house that could be fixed or improved. It's an inanimate object I use for shelter.

BUT, since it's a sensitive issue, especially coming from a parent/in-law, I'm going to be careful, having read the reactions here. I've only been to their house once, since they live on the other side of the country. I was excited that they'd bought, and was asking them some questions about what they planned to do, if anything, just out of interest. I don't actually care whether they do anything with the house, and I certainly don't judge. And they're both very busy. I hope they didn't take it wrong.

I will be a MIL one day and I am taking notes, too.

I can understand how it would make someone feel bad if relatives only seemed to find fault. You might have spent your weekend painting a room...and when they drop by, instead of noticing the pretty new paint, they would ask "Oh, are you going to paint the other rooms in a coordinating color?"

If they do/say something like that every time they come over I can see how you might start avoiding inviting them over at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dad was doing something similar on an unrelated topic and it was driving my husband nuts. I knew he meant no harm so in one visit, I said - Dad, you probably haven't noticed but every time you visit, you comment on X. It's kind of a sore subject for DH.

He had no idea he had been doing this. He's getting older and to him, it was just idle chit chat. He hasn't brought it up since and our convo didn't seem to hurt my dad's feelings so it all worked out.

Any chance your ILs would be receptive to something like that?

Agree. Maybe your ils are just making conversation. Ask dh to call them and just ask them not to bring I up because you're sensitive about it. I had an elderly neighbor who would tell me negative things about our house. I think she was trying to be helpful, we likely seemed like kids to her. But it bothered me and I never invited her over because of it.

[Anonymous]

My MIL makes comments on our home like yours does, but hers are larger scale. She will say things like "this place doesn't feel right"; "i don't like the overall style"; "it's too open." It's been 3 years and she says it repeatedly while telling us how awesome her daughter's house is. It hurt the first time, but now I tune her out. Sometimes I"ll throw in a little jab and say "sounds like you really hate it here; I guess we won't see you for xyz."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL makes comments on our home like yours does, but hers are larger scale. She will say things like "this place doesn't feel right"; "i don't like the overall style"; "it's too open." It's been 3 years and she says it repeatedly while telling us how awesome her daughter's house is. It hurt the first time, but now I tune her out. Sometimes I"ll throw in a little jab and say "sounds like you really hate it here; I guess we won't see you for xyz."

Just say "you make those comments every time you visit. I'm sorry you're not comfortable and wii understand if you visit less. "

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dad was doing something similar on an unrelated topic and it was driving my husband nuts. I knew he meant no harm so in one visit, I said - Dad, you probably haven't noticed but every time you visit, you comment on X. It's kind of a sore subject for DH.

He had no idea he had been doing this. He's getting older and to him, it was just idle chit chat. He hasn't brought it up since and our convo didn't seem to hurt my dad's feelings so it all worked out.

Any chance your ILs would be receptive to something like that?

PP here. You knew he meant no harm, so you knew that telling him it was a sore subject would help.

That's not always the case. Sometimes inlaws DO mean harm. They do it on purpose for any number of reasons. And then if they are told that it actually upsets you, they get even worse because they know it works.

I know it sounds cynical, but sometimes these aren't innocent comments. They're meant to belittle. Perhaps it's jealousy. Perhaps they have some other issue. But DH telling them it upsets OP might make it worse.

That's why all of the snappy comebacks people are mentioning are a bad idea. Because if the inlaws are rude, the comebacks will only escalate the situation. Or they'll turn it around and all gossip about how rude and mean OP is.

The key to dealing with people like OP's inlaws is to step back and disengage. They're passive-aggressive. Matching them with passive-aggressive behavior isn't going to stop them. It will only push them to up the ante. Telling them their passive-aggressive behavior has achieved its intended result won't help either. You neutralize them by not giving them the opportunity to be passive-aggressive.

It's really a liberating concept. I spent years trying to deal with passive-aggressive people by appealing to their compassion. It never worked, and then I ended up more hurt and insulted. I also tried responding with witty comebacks, but that just escalated it all and caused me more anxiety. Now I've been practicing this new approach, and it's amazing.

Someone texts me something kind of snarky that he/she knows will upset me. I just delete and ignore. I don't respond. And guess what? They eventually stop doing it.

A SIL constantly made really nasty comments about where we lived. Guess what? We don't invite them over. She has moved on to other kinds of insults. I just ignore her. Sometimes I actually just walk away. That frustrates her more than any witty comeback. And the insults and nasty remarks have definitely decreased because she doesn't get what she wants out of them -- a reaction.

You can't control another person. You can't make a rude person suddenly become polite. But you can often control the setting, the amount of time you interact with them, where you interact with them, and often you can simply ignore them.

I think people confuse bullies with passive-aggressive people. Bullies -- who are directly aggressive -- can sometimes be confronted and will stop. People who are passive-aggressive don't respond the same to confrontation. They often use it as an excuse to be even more passive-aggressive and to paint you as the bully.

+1

Insightful and useful knowledge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a new MIL, I'm going to take this thread to heart. I hadn't realized people were sensitive about this subject, since I don't take it personally if someone talks about things in my rather shabby house that could be fixed or improved. It's an inanimate object I use for shelter.

BUT, since it's a sensitive issue, especially coming from a parent/in-law, I'm going to be careful, having read the reactions here. I've only been to their house once, since they live on the other side of the country. I was excited that they'd bought, and was asking them some questions about what they planned to do, if anything, just out of interest. I don't actually care whether they do anything with the house, and I certainly don't judge. And they're both very busy. I hope they didn't take it wrong.

I will be a MIL one day and I am taking notes, too.

I can understand how it would make someone feel bad if relatives only seemed to find fault. You might have spent your weekend painting a room...and when they drop by, instead of noticing the pretty new paint, they would ask "Oh, are you going to paint the other rooms in a coordinating color?"

If they do/say something like that every time they come over I can see how you might start avoiding inviting them over at all.

+1

Rude.

[Anonymous]

My MIL never says anything negative about our house. She would only point out the positive, or enthuse about some furniture or art we'd just picked out. Her EQ is through the roof.

My mom, on the other hand, never has anything positive to say. She's always pointing out her perceived flaws and nit picking everything. Over Christmas we finally put up curtains over our Fresh doors and the panels pool slightly on the floor, which is fine by us. That's the first and only thing she talked about. Sadly, this is just the tip of the iceberg of our issues with her. I'd tune her out b/c nothing I've ever said has moved her one iota.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a spouse issue. After the second comment, spouse says, "Okay mom, okay dad, that's it with the comments. Our house isn't perfect, but it's perfectly fine for us. Stop with the comments."

I'm sure OP is perfectly able to do this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Once I had a sister in law visit and critique my furniture placement. She proceeded to start moving furniture around to see how it would look. She was offended when I asked her to stop.

I don't see this as bad. My mom constantly does this and I love it. I think your issue is that it's an inlaw doing this.