Reply to Holding my boundary. Let him be mad.

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]It feels like I either have to spend my life cleaning up after another adult, like a maid
Or
I have to bite my tongue and accept that my husband won’t do the things he says he will do, and we live like hyenas?

The vacuum is still there, next to the pile of sand. He is casually watching Sunday morning shows. [/quote]

Show your daughter how to do it, the sand is from HER shoes.[/quote]
Why didn’t her dad show her? He’s the one who brought her home from the sand pit.[/quote]

Why doesn’t OP do it?  She had all morning to herself and it was her shift.[/quote]
Dad took the child to the activity. He shouldn’t leave messes for other people to clean up. [/quote]

Oh well. So the sand sits while OP seethes. Her husband is probably getting a kick out of it.[/quote]

I thought this too. They are really locked in on both sides. OP, you need to get more clear on if you want to stay married or not. If you do, at least for now, I think sidestepping a lot of these small things, teaching the 3 year old how to help with chores, etc is the way to go. Think of it like a game where you win by there not being a power struggle, avoiding the dynamic.

OP, for this one, I'd teach your DD to use a small broom and dust pan like they do in Montessori. She will like feeling big. Obviously she can't be relied on for many tasks but this one, yes. Can you carve out an hour or 2 a week where the 3 of you clean together? Play fun music, etc.

Did you guys do anything as a family today, have a meal together, etc? I could see if he was tired a far away outing might not have appealed. Keep trying, ask what he might enjoy the 3 of your doing? Find a sitter or join a babysitting co-op and go out as a couple alone or with friends twice a month. People who lose that connection and fall into resentment are way more likely to split. If you don't want to, or want it to be your choice, start getting deposits put in the positive side of the ledger. [/quote]

Totally agtee with the teaching of the little ones to clean up. But why does OP have to do it? Why cant the other parent and partner use the moment when there already is a mess to clean up to teach the 3 year old how to do it. [/quote]

Why does anyone have to do anything? Why even have kids if you can't do what's best for them without your ego getting in the way? It takes about 10 seconds to clean the mess up. OP has been seething for days about it.  The onus falls on the person who is bothered more about it. In this case it's OP. [/quote]

Exactly it takes 10 seconds and there's no reason that her husband kind of cleaned it up. I don't know dump the shoes outside instead of at the entryway. 
It's like death by a million paper cuts. Why can you people not see this?. 
It's not just the 10 seconds for the shoes is the 10 seconds for $10,000 other things in the house?[/quote]

He's not going to do it. Now what? Who will blink first? It doesn't matter how much you stomp your feet and glare at him. Do you not see that?[/quote]

The dumping sand on the floor instead of outside (or even back into the sand pit is next level passive aggressive. As is putting the vacuum next to it. OP and DH really are well matched in many ways. Very sad for the kid.

OP the reality is that you can only control your actions and thoughts and reactions. You cannot make your DH do anything. You each goad the other. This will NOT be fixed by divorce. Do you really want to spend the rest of your kid's childhood seething in 1 home or 2? You cannot change him, only yourself, your reactions, etc. If you choose peace for yourself as a goal, what reactions and actions might flow from that? You guys really need family therapy. Even little things about your kid are weaponized and she is going to be really messed up and co-dependent. [/quote]

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