My Wife Has Turned Mean

[Anonymous]

OP needs to lighten up. He’s being super sensitive to a bunch of no big deal examples of meanness. She’s not abusive, she’s cranky. And once that baby comes, it’s quite likely going to get worse before it gets better.

[Anonymous]

She needs to find a way to chill. This is high blood pressure stuff and not good for her or the child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you're having a boy - she's got too much testosterone making her crazy for it not to be

I was the same. That baby is now almost 15 and we're all still together

You'll get thru it.

No, it's a girl Stepson and I hid from DW for nine months and were successful. The craziness stopped after birth and daughter is now 17. We had a boy 1.5 years later and no craziness, FYI.

OP here. We’re having a boy. We knew at like 10 weeks.

I see OP is back reading the thread, could you elaborate on how your wife is mad. Is she grumpy or is she taking things out on you, we need examples.

OP here. It’s not all of the time. She’s a very even tempered person and never really gets upset over things. She was fine the forts trimester, but has been very moody since the second trimester. Some days she is fine, other days she wakes up mad.

Examples:

We ordered takeout and she literally broke down because they didn’t give her which sauce. When I tried to politely tell her it wasn’t a big deal, she got mad and told me I didn’t understand and then went into the room for like an hour.

I will move in bed while sleeping and she will wake me up mad and tell me to stop moving

She got mad when I suggested things to put on the baby registry

She gets mad for very simple things like stuff being out of order or not clean enough

She tells me sometimes it’s not me but the sight of me makes her mad and that she needs to be alone.

Hang in there OP. It sounds like you married a teenager not an adult. I would probably get a divorce if this petty behavior continues, I’d never stay married to somehow who acts this way.

[Anonymous]

This doesn’t seem so bad, just nesting and she likely doesn’t have the energy to pick up after things as much, cook as much, plan as much. This will be life with younger kids too.

You both need to divvy up chores, future needs, respite, self care.

Your wife needs you to share the current and future load more equally. Be appreciative of her and vice versa.

The child will take a lot of time, likely HER time and energy. The house stuff will need to be shared more. Some outsourcing is available but it is unskilled labor that needs to be managed.

[Anonymous]

That does suk when you expect the normal sauce, or specified it, and it’s missing in the food delivery. They screwed up the order. Would you like nandos with no sauce??

Sleep in the guest room a couple nights if you roll around too much or take nighttime bathroom breaks or roll up like a burrito and disrupt all the blankets just to move.

What’s up with the registry? Did she already have a olan for what you wanted to add? Is there no room? Did you have a normal discussion about it and be reasonable? Grasping for straws and silly suggestions doesn’t really show thoughtfulness. Did you supply your rationale and was it a good one?

Out of order stuff or “Not clean” stuff days should have ended in college. Get with it.

If the above is happening yes it is irritated. Restore trust and faith by being competent. You’re about to be a father, this requires good teamwork managing the house, kid(s), plans, spouse.

[Anonymous]

Someone told me that's the reason he did not want the second child. He doesn't want to go through another 9 months like that.

[Anonymous]

It’s not normal and it is mean. Your wife is in for a rude awakening when the baby comes.

~~woman with kids

[Anonymous]

OP I think you both need to chill out. Sometimes people get cranky and do things they shouldn’t but you don’t have to let it impact you. Just let her be. Hopefully she will feel better after the baby starts sleeping through the night.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you're having a boy - she's got too much testosterone making her crazy for it not to be

I was the same. That baby is now almost 15 and we're all still together

You'll get thru it.

No, it's a girl Stepson and I hid from DW for nine months and were successful. The craziness stopped after birth and daughter is now 17. We had a boy 1.5 years later and no craziness, FYI.

OP here. We’re having a boy. We knew at like 10 weeks.

I see OP is back reading the thread, could you elaborate on how your wife is mad. Is she grumpy or is she taking things out on you, we need examples.

OP here. It’s not all of the time. She’s a very even tempered person and never really gets upset over things. She was fine the forts trimester, but has been very moody since the second trimester. Some days she is fine, other days she wakes up mad.

Examples:

We ordered takeout and she literally broke down because they didn’t give her which sauce. When I tried to politely tell her it wasn’t a big deal, she got mad and told me I didn’t understand and then went into the room for like an hour.

I will move in bed while sleeping and she will wake me up mad and tell me to stop moving

She got mad when I suggested things to put on the baby registry

She gets mad for very simple things like stuff being out of order or not clean enough

She tells me sometimes it’s not me but the sight of me makes her mad and that she needs to be alone.

Hang in there OP. It sounds like you married a teenager not an adult. I would probably get a divorce if this petty behavior continues, I’d never stay married to somehow who acts this way.

Op sounds like a baby himself.

[Anonymous]

Time for self reflection OP.
All your bad habits and messy habits will be showcased because previously your less-busy wife covered for you. Now she’s pregnant and then caring for a baby so she is seeing you in full glory.

Not clean? What dishes, piles of clothes, dust everywhere, you cook and don’t see half the mess?

Out of order? Can’t find the checkbook? Missing utensils? Tools lost? Time to grow up guys.

[Anonymous]

Life lesson Op: If a vendor or someone messes up, just validate your spouses FEELINGs. That’s a pita and boy they better not do that again.
Don’t skip right to the “oh who cares” part.

Same for your kids. Validate feelings, don’t invalidate them.

[Anonymous]

Lots of people making excuses for the wife. Don't ignore Maya Angelou's admonition, "when someone tells you who they are, believe them the first time."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you're having a boy - she's got too much testosterone making her crazy for it not to be

I was the same. That baby is now almost 15 and we're all still together

You'll get thru it.

No, it's a girl Stepson and I hid from DW for nine months and were successful. The craziness stopped after birth and daughter is now 17. We had a boy 1.5 years later and no craziness, FYI.

OP here. We’re having a boy. We knew at like 10 weeks.

I see OP is back reading the thread, could you elaborate on how your wife is mad. Is she grumpy or is she taking things out on you, we need examples.

OP here. It’s not all of the time. She’s a very even tempered person and never really gets upset over things. She was fine the forts trimester, but has been very moody since the second trimester. Some days she is fine, other days she wakes up mad.

Examples:

We ordered takeout and she literally broke down because they didn’t give her which sauce. When I tried to politely tell her it wasn’t a big deal, she got mad and told me I didn’t understand and then went into the room for like an hour.

I will move in bed while sleeping and she will wake me up mad and tell me to stop moving

She got mad when I suggested things to put on the baby registry

She gets mad for very simple things like stuff being out of order or not clean enough

She tells me sometimes it’s not me but the sight of me makes her mad and that she needs to be alone.

Omg, no, you don’t ever tell her it’s not a big deal. That’s so invalidating. “Wow they really effed up, want me to call them and we’ll go pick up the right sauce?”

When you’re huge and uncomfortable and can barely sleep, yea, it’s annoying when someone wakes you up. Just ask her (nicely) if it would be better if you slept in the guest room until the baby is born.

What did you suggest for the registry? Did she have specific things in mind and you want different ones?

Getting upset over things out of order is probably anxiety. She’s probably feeling overwhelmed.

OP here. What was meant to say enough sauce. They gave her a good small container full and she mad they didn’t give her extra like asked for.

I suggested we get neutral items because our second child might not be a boy, and she flipped.

Either way, telling her the sauce issue is no big deal is exactly the wrong move. No one wants to hear that, ever.

Let her get the boy items. She’s excited. And it’s not like anything expensive is gendered, she’s not getting a boy crib or stroller. Boy clothes and toys are fine.

You sound like you could use some help with your emotional intelligence. I don’t really understand why you thought telling a pregnant woman something was no big deal was okay. You’re supposed to be on her side.

She’s pregnant, not a child. Why do we perceive pregnant women as “ weak”? You can be on her side and work voice your opinion and tell her when she is wrong. She doesn’t get a free pass at being abusive or throwing a temper tantrum because she is pregnant. Being pregnant doesn’t mean you lose all common sense and the ability to act like a mature adult.

I totally disagree. I’m pregnant and had something similar happen, we got takeout and they forgot the sauce. I was extremely disappointed as I had been craving it all day. I expressed my disappointment, and if my H had said “it’s not a big deal”, I would have been very angry. Of course I know that in the grand scheme of things, sauce is not a big deal. But I want my H to validate my feelings.

Now, if I had screamed at him for forgetting to check the bag for sauce, that would have been unacceptable. But it’s fine to be upset when someone dismissed your feelings because it’s “not a big deal”.

Also, I don’t understand why you’d ever tell your spouse they are wrong. We never do that, it’s rude and weakens the relationship. We are always on each other’s side.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Life lesson Op: If a vendor or someone messes up, just validate your spouses FEELINGs. That’s a pita and boy they better not do that again.
Don’t skip right to the “oh who cares” part.

Same for your kids. Validate feelings, don’t invalidate them.

This is a lesson everybody needs to internalize, especially parents. It’s not hard, it just takes practice , and it makes a huge difference in relationships.

[Anonymous]

You don’t ever tell someone especially your wife pregnant or not that “it isn’t a big deal”. That’s incredibly patronizing. You offer to fix it.. and unless she wants you to beat the person who forgot the sauce up, you let her know that you’ll do whatever she needs. That’s just being a good husband, and yes, this is something most men need to learn. After all, you’d tell your sister “call them up” as you shovel food into your face... . that isn’t how you treat your wife though.

There will be a time when you’ll need to lovingly tell her “the washing machine is coming tomorrow” or “the car will get fixed tomorrow” because you can’t fix the problem, but you can and should fix what you can and the sauce was one of those things. It can be infuriating when a man tells a woman “it’s not a big deal” partly because the implication is that the woman doesn’t have a reason or even the right to be upset.. we should just be grateful we get to eat. Yes, on some level we should be grateful we get to eat, but that doesn’t mean we don’t have the right to be upset when our preferences were made clear and then ignored… especially when you are paying for the service. No take-out joint gives you food because they like you.



Even if you can’t fix a problem, you need to learn how to demonstrate that you are on her side. I was literally in tears when our washing machine broke. It hadn’t been working right for months, and one day it finally really broke. I was standing there crying and my son who is a preschooler said “It okay mommy, I’ll talk to Daddy tonight and we’ll get you a new one”. It was incredibly comforting. He understood I was upset, he knew I cared about the washer even if he didn’t know why, and he wanted me to feel better. Obviously a 4-year-old couldn’t solve that problem on a practical level, there was nothing he could do to make my life easier on a physical level, but he sure made it easier on a mental one.

With the baby items, let her buy what she wants. She’s excited and you saying “let’s get neutral items” just sounds like you don’t really care. That isn’t how you feel, but that’s how it sounds. As another poster said, she’s not able to buy a boy crib or carseat. This is also the only time she’ll have 100 percent control over what’s going on, she won’t be able to control the birth and she certainly won’t be able to control the kid when it gets here.. they have a way of making their preferences known. Let her have this experience and moment.

As for the sleeping, she probably isn’t sleeping well. If you want to sleep in the guest room do it out of love not meanness which is what it sounds like you’re doing. Women are going through pregnancy with very little physical comforts. My mom remembers having a drink (and she isn’t a big drinker) when she was pregnant back in the 1970’s. She said “I didn’t do it a lot, but when the world was p**ssing me off I’d have a drink, and nobody cared.. I was an adult and if I wanted wine or a martini that was fine”. I’m not encouraging your wife to drink, you just need to realize that if you move and wake her up, she may be up for the rest of the night.

Know that women change after they have kids. Taking a chance on an unreliable car used to be fun or at least tollerable, it became untenable with kids. I now care about what my kids are and are not exposed to in ways I never thought I would. I like that the only problem where we live is who’s dog escaped.. and that when a dog does escape, the kids in the neighborhood care enough to try to get him home. Before kids, this would have been “boring”. Your wife will care about things that you just won’t get.. partly because she’s a mom and that’s what us moms do.
Your wife isn’t being mean for being clear in what she wants.. she maybe could do it better, but she isn’t wrong. It’s easy to be sweet when it’s just you. She probably could be a little sweeter to you. You could also be sweeter to her. Maybe she’d prefer you go to bat for her about the sauce v. having you cook and clean? I get the sense that you are doing what you would want, not what she wants. Talk with her and make sure you aren’t buring yourself out on things she’s happy to do meaning that you don’t have the energy to step up when she could truly appreciate it.