Wife wants to be "alone" so this means we divorce?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No to affair.

She is sick of doing things for other people. She thinks if she can leave she can reclaim who she wants to be. She regrets stalling her career.

Here is the thing. She is having a midlife crisis. Leaving won’t fix any of this for her.

This isn’t your fault. You can’t fix it.

I wouldn’t do a full 180 but I’d encourage her to move out and figure it out but your not waiting for her to figure it out.

She’ll be back in 6-9 months.

When someone shows you who they are believe them. So it’s time to move on. Be aware that the 180 is for you so that you reorient your mindset and it’s not a means to ‘get her back’.

[Anonymous]

If you have kids, you must try. Just my opinion. You sound like you love your wife...why give up so easily?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No to affair.

She is sick of doing things for other people. She thinks if she can leave she can reclaim who she wants to be. She regrets stalling her career.

Here is the thing. She is having a midlife crisis. Leaving won’t fix any of this for her.

This isn’t your fault. You can’t fix it.

I wouldn’t do a full 180 but I’d encourage her to move out and figure it out but your not waiting for her to figure it out.

She’ll be back in 6-9 months.

When someone shows you who they are believe them. So it’s time to move on. Be aware that the 180 is for you so that you reorient your mindset and it’s not a means to ‘get her back’.

You have no way of knowing a lot of this.

[Anonymous]

Get into therapy together if she will go. Asap

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As the wife in this situation, I’d say you do nothing. She’s made up her mind.

She might have. How much do you want this marriage? If you want it, then fight for her. If you are as lukewarm as you sound then it might be time for the two of you to seriously discuss parting. Only you can know what you really want. I would take her seriously. And work from there.

+1

She might have made up her mind, but people do change their minds, all the time. When I was dating I decided to break up with DH and he convinced me to not do that, and I’m so glad he did. (He said if that’s what you really want that’s your choice and I won’t stop you but i think we really have something great here and I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you).

In OP’s wife’s situation I, personally, would actually be heartbroken if DH just cut me loose. Not that DH has to try, it would be on her, but that’s how I would feel. But OP would be most successful if he didn’t constantly tell his wife that her impressions were wrong.

[Anonymous]

If she won't go to treatment, go yourself. Start there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Long story short, we are mid-40s. Wife is quite distant, intimacy has struggled for years. She has finally said it's just that she wants to be alone, she's spent two decades being tethered to the kids, putting her career on hold while mine soared, etc. She's ready to live for her. I asked her is she is leaving me, she said she is considering moving out.

I know the obvious answer is "affair" and of course it could be but it doesn't feel like it.

What's the future? Do I do the 180? Fight for her? It's hard to fight for someone who doesn't really want to be with you.

Thanks, could use some real insight.

Tell your wife you want to turn your lives and marriage around. And mean it. Ask her what she needs in marriage, and tell her you want more intimacy at least twice a week. She wants to work, okay, you can find nanny. What else

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Poster above, just saw your updated response, sorry. You don't sound lukewarm, you sound hurt and blindsided, that you were unaware she felt this way and was this unhappy. The two of you have work to do...if you want the marriage, do it. It may get harder before it gets better because you are going to get an earful first on the ways you have fallen short. If you can try to make space to hear it and be nondefensive, you can work through it.But she's angry...and you will need to hear it. Then you can move forward. Find a good therapist asap

+1

And I think there is fault on both sides, but somebody has to take one for the team, swallow their pride, and let the other one go first. OP can’t make his wife do that so he might as well go first.

[Anonymous]

Really, just going back to work doesn't sound like she wants to leave you. It just sounds like she is done with being SAHM and needs something to live for. You brought up moving out, not her. She said I don't know. Don't bluff. Don't ask her to do something you don't really want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As the wife in this situation, I’d say you do nothing. She’s made up her mind.

She might have. How much do you want this marriage? If you want it, then fight for her. If you are as lukewarm as you sound then it might be time for the two of you to seriously discuss parting. Only you can know what you really want. I would take her seriously. And work from there.

+1

She might have made up her mind, but people do change their minds, all the time. When I was dating I decided to break up with DH and he convinced me to not do that, and I’m so glad he did. (He said if that’s what you really want that’s your choice and I won’t stop you but i think we really have something great here and I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you).

In OP’s wife’s situation I, personally, would actually be heartbroken if DH just cut me loose. Not that DH has to try, it would be on her, but that’s how I would feel. But OP would be most successful if he didn’t constantly tell his wife that her impressions were wrong.

Of course, yes she likely wants him to rally and not let her go. It is not even necessarily manipulative...she's tired, she feels she is doing the marriage work alone (just her feelings not saying it is reality). That's why I said, take her seriously, get in there with her and fight to save it. If you want to do a heroic thing in your life, this is an opportunity. For your kids at the very least but you too if you love her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - I am a woman in my 40s who often longs to be alone. Not enough to leave. Honestly it’s not something you can fix in a day or a week or a month. Your wife has decades of losing her identity to the role of mother and wife, being taken for granted and not appreciated. You can fix it, but it’s going to take a sustained, sincere effort from you.

This is one of the stories from this column that has stuck with me over the years.

https://www.nytimes.com/2009/08/02/style/modern-love-those-arent-fighting-words-dear.html

I will add. When I first read this, I was younger and newly engaged. I read it from the point of view of the stoic wife with a hope that if this happened to me that I could be as calm and strong. Now 12 years later I read the husband’s role. He had to do the work. He had to reckon with his feelings. His wife didn’t enable him or rush him. It could not have been easy for him to do that. Now I read it as a reminder that I am responsible for myself - not my husband and not my children.

[Anonymous]

OP, were you the kind of husband who kept an inconsistent schedule? So, for example, did you come home whenever you wanted/finished up your work in the evening? Did you ignore texts from her during the day? What act of kindness did you perform to show her that you care about her (make coffee in the morning, take the kids out to the park to give her free time, make dinner). Guys think it has to be something romantic, but it just has to be something that makes the other person feel seen/human. Did you enjoy watching sunsets together or did you make time to sit and talk about something other than your job (like actually appreciating LIFE together)? Did she have to move away from her family and friends for your career? How often do you remind her of your successful career and that she doesn’t have to worry about stuff like you do? These are the questions you should be asking yourself. Your wife just wants to feel seen. She doesn’t want another relationship. She just wants to be alone and at peace with her own thoughts. She wants time and space to be able to appreciate this next stage in life.

[Anonymous]

After my husband's emotional affair I also was on the brink of leaving. I absolutely meant it. And I said...you need to do the work to keep the marriage, I have nothing right now. And he did it. He absolutely rallied. It was hard, and painful. Now years later we are better than ever and I am so glad I stayed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No to affair.

She is sick of doing things for other people. She thinks if she can leave she can reclaim who she wants to be. She regrets stalling her career.

Here is the thing. She is having a midlife crisis. Leaving won’t fix any of this for her.

This isn’t your fault. You can’t fix it.

I wouldn’t do a full 180 but I’d encourage her to move out and figure it out but your not waiting for her to figure it out.

She’ll be back in 6-9 months.

IDK, OPs wife might just be having a hiccup … really who just says I’m sick of my kids being too much work and leaves.
When someone shows you who they are believe them. So it’s time to move on. Be aware that the 180 is for you so that you reorient your mindset and it’s not a means to ‘get her back’.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No to affair.

She is sick of doing things for other people. She thinks if she can leave she can reclaim who she wants to be. She regrets stalling her career.

Here is the thing. She is having a midlife crisis. Leaving won’t fix any of this for her.

This isn’t your fault. You can’t fix it.

I wouldn’t do a full 180 but I’d encourage her to move out and figure it out but your not waiting for her to figure it out.

She’ll be back in 6-9 months.

When someone shows you who they are believe them. So it’s time to move on. Be aware that the 180 is for you so that you reorient your mindset and it’s not a means to ‘get her back’.

IDK, OPs wife might just be having a hiccup … really who just says I’m sick of my kids being too much work and leaves.