Please be gentle/positive: 8 year age gap

[Anonymous]

Honestly, your 8 yo should be really engaged in her own life -- school, activities, friends - and the new baby doesn't need to change her existence that much. Maybe only one parent can come to some of her events instead of two, but that's fine. And yes, reminder, you are the parent and you make the decisions. Your 8 yo has NO VOTE on whether or not you are going to expand your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, your 8 yo should be really engaged in her own life -- school, activities, friends - and the new baby doesn't need to change her existence that much. Maybe only one parent can come to some of her events instead of two, but that's fine. And yes, reminder, you are the parent and you make the decisions. Your 8 yo has NO VOTE on whether or not you are going to expand your family.

And the parents have NO VOTE of their son daughter likes their sibling or if the siblings get along and become best friends.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, my family choices really aren't impacted by an 8 year olds opinion. My kids are 6ywara apart and adore each other. The older one remembers being lonely and waited and waited for my younger one to be able to play. Now at 3 and 9 they love each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, your 8 yo should be really engaged in her own life -- school, activities, friends - and the new baby doesn't need to change her existence that much. Maybe only one parent can come to some of her events instead of two, but that's fine. And yes, reminder, you are the parent and you make the decisions. Your 8 yo has NO VOTE on whether or not you are going to expand your family.

And the parents have NO VOTE of their son daughter likes their sibling or if the siblings get along and become best friends.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, your 8 yo should be really engaged in her own life -- school, activities, friends - and the new baby doesn't need to change her existence that much. Maybe only one parent can come to some of her events instead of two, but that's fine. And yes, reminder, you are the parent and you make the decisions. Your 8 yo has NO VOTE on whether or not you are going to expand your family.

And the parents have NO VOTE of their son daughter likes their sibling or if the siblings get along and become best friends.

I don't understand this thinking. This is how you end up with siblings that don't like each other. No, they don't have to be best friends, but as parents you are 100% in control of the family culture. And my family culture is that your family, including (especially) your siblings are THE most important thing in your life. You love them above all and treat them best because they are your lifelong family.

Both my parents are one of four. One is best friends with their siblings and speaks to them every day. The other can't stand them. Having witnessed it, it 100% came down to my grandparents and their parenting style. Don't foster an environment of competition, don't play favorites, don't intervene in their conflict, hammer home that they are family and they need to be there for each other.

[Anonymous]

My husband and his sister are 9 years apart. I joke that they act like pair of only children who happen to have a sibling. However they've always had a very loving bond and get along very well as adults.

[Anonymous]

Tolstoy was wrong -- all happy families don't look alike, whether with respect to age gaps or anything else. Our kids are 26, 24 and 18 and are great friends, all very supportive of one another. Much of this was good luck, but I also think we did a few things right, most importantly:

1) We did not sacrifice the baby's naps; we just worked around them. That way, she was as well-rested and cheerful as her brothers had been at that age.

2) We encouraged the kids to participate in some shared activities -- swimming, tennis, skiing.

3) We strongly encouraged the kids to attend one another's games, recitals, etc. to show support for their sibs.

Good luck, OP, and best wishes for your family's unique happiness!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know you asked for positive stories, but I feel I need to be real with you hear because it might help you. My sister and I are 8 years apart with me being the younger sister. WE get along find now as adults, not so much as kids, part of this is due to the age gap and part of this is because my parents forced my sister to be happy about it.

I think things probably would have gone more smoothly if they had accepted she may not be excited about it, and not try to force her into the big sister role.

Let your oldest child have their feelings.
Try to keep as much of their routine and life the same as possible.

This is good advice! I have two female cousins with this age gap, and growing up the older one really seemed not to want to do anything with the younger one, and we thought of her as a mean and bossy older sister. However upon reflection we realized that she was being forced into a role she didn't really want at the time. I think their relationship improved greatly when she went away to college, and then came to the US for grad school, and she was free of the pressure of being a big sister/ missed her family.
Fast forward several years, and the two are really close and have really been there for each other. The older one supported the younger one in emigrating to the US. The younger one recently divorced (25-year marriage) and her sister has been a rock through all of it.

I wonder in what way the older sisters were forced to be a big sister? We are about to have our second 4.5 years younger than our first. We plan to have plenty of childcare so that older DD can continue preschool, play dates, classes, etc. without being bogged down by baby sister. And not force her to spend too much time playing or watching younger sister unless she asks to. Is this enough?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, my family choices really aren't impacted by an 8 year olds opinion. My kids are 6ywara apart and adore each other. The older one remembers being lonely and waited and waited for my younger one to be able to play. Now at 3 and 9 they love each other.

What do they play together?

[Anonymous]

In my family there is a 24 yo, 18 yo, 11 yo and 9 yo. They are close and love on each other and the 24 yo has been a great role model for the littles.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have a 7.5 year old only, and I just found out I’m pregnant. I’m terrified I am ruining my child’s life by bringing this new baby into the picture. DC absolutely LOVES being an only, and has never wanted a sibling. I already have an appointment with my therapist next week, but in the meantime can people share positives of massive age gaps? Happy stories, ways it was awesome, things you did that made it good. Thank you!

(I can think of all the negatives myself, please don’t add to it!)

I know two families with that age gap and it went very well. Both were thrilled to be big sisters!

[Anonymous]

Had a second kid when first was almost 8. It’s fine. Beach vacations work best. Congratulations!

[Anonymous]

My sister is 8 years older than me and my brothers are 10 and 11. It’s been great. I adored them as a kid, and am close to all three of them as an adult. One brother could have probably taken me or left me as a kid (was a little less into kids/more into himself as an adolescent) but we have a great relationship now.

My college roommate was 10 and 15 years older than her youngest siblings. She was by all accounts livid when she found out her mom was having a baby, especially the second, but had gotten over it and had a great relationship with her little sibs by the time I met her.

[Anonymous]

You will have one kid at a time for college and graduate school. It is fabulous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, my family choices really aren't impacted by an 8 year olds opinion. My kids are 6ywara apart and adore each other. The older one remembers being lonely and waited and waited for my younger one to be able to play. Now at 3 and 9 they love each other.

What do they play together?

I'm a new poster, but I also have children 6 years apart. Two girls who are currently 2 and almost 8. Just got back from the beach... they had a blast digging and burying each other in the sand. At home they play together in our blow up pool in the backyard and run through the sprinkler/splash pad thing together. They do kid yoga videos and dance parties together. My older DD reads book after book to her little sister. They color together at our little art table. Older DD makes up all these cute games with letter magnets to help my 2 year old learn her letters. They build with magna tiles together. They build forts together. They do gymnastics "routines" on DD1's gymnastics equipment.

Obviously they are not as good playmates as children closer in age would be, but they actually play together plenty. And they don't fight like closer-aged siblings tend to do!

They adore each other...DD1 is the first one to go into DD2's room in the morning and they spend like ten minutes in the crib giggling and squealing with delight about who knows what while I finish my coffee. It's lovely. DD2 gets quite mad if anyone else in the family goes in there first. She begs for "seeester, seester". Oh my heart!

Older DD has a full and busy life with school, camp, gymnastics, friends/playdates. I make sure not to deny her an activity she wants to participate in or an event she wants to go to because of the baby. With only two kids, organization, and the right child care set ups, it's all very manageable. She obviously gets less attention now, but that's truly a GOOD thing -- much more so at age 6 onwards than age 2 or 3 when most younger siblings tend to come along.