Please be gentle/positive: 8 year age gap

[Anonymous]

I'm 8 years older than my brother. I also desperately wanted a baby sister but got a brother. I really don't see the problem, OP. Your kid will adjust just like millions of others have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know you asked for positive stories, but I feel I need to be real with you hear because it might help you. My sister and I are 8 years apart with me being the younger sister. WE get along find now as adults, not so much as kids, part of this is due to the age gap and part of this is because my parents forced my sister to be happy about it.

I think things probably would have gone more smoothly if they had accepted she may not be excited about it, and not try to force her into the big sister role.

Let your oldest child have their feelings.
Try to keep as much of their routine and life the same as possible.

This is good advice! I have two female cousins with this age gap, and growing up the older one really seemed not to want to do anything with the younger one, and we thought of her as a mean and bossy older sister. However upon reflection we realized that she was being forced into a role she didn't really want at the time. I think their relationship improved greatly when she went away to college, and then came to the US for grad school, and she was free of the pressure of being a big sister/ missed her family.
Fast forward several years, and the two are really close and have really been there for each other. The older one supported the younger one in emigrating to the US. The younger one recently divorced (25-year marriage) and her sister has been a rock through all of it.

I wonder in what way the older sisters were forced to be a big sister? We are about to have our second 4.5 years younger than our first. We plan to have plenty of childcare so that older DD can continue preschool, play dates, classes, etc. without being bogged down by baby sister. And not force her to spend too much time playing or watching younger sister unless she asks to. Is this enough?

DP. You also can’t expect the older one to be the youngest’s metaphorical punching bag, always “mature” and always in second place. You’ll still need to be fair.

[Anonymous]

I'm 7 years older than my brother and we didn't have any issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know you asked for positive stories, but I feel I need to be real with you hear because it might help you. My sister and I are 8 years apart with me being the younger sister. WE get along find now as adults, not so much as kids, part of this is due to the age gap and part of this is because my parents forced my sister to be happy about it.

I think things probably would have gone more smoothly if they had accepted she may not be excited about it, and not try to force her into the big sister role.

Let your oldest child have their feelings.
Try to keep as much of their routine and life the same as possible.

This is good advice! I have two female cousins with this age gap, and growing up the older one really seemed not to want to do anything with the younger one, and we thought of her as a mean and bossy older sister. However upon reflection we realized that she was being forced into a role she didn't really want at the time. I think their relationship improved greatly when she went away to college, and then came to the US for grad school, and she was free of the pressure of being a big sister/ missed her family.
Fast forward several years, and the two are really close and have really been there for each other. The older one supported the younger one in emigrating to the US. The younger one recently divorced (25-year marriage) and her sister has been a rock through all of it.

I wonder in what way the older sisters were forced to be a big sister? We are about to have our second 4.5 years younger than our first. We plan to have plenty of childcare so that older DD can continue preschool, play dates, classes, etc. without being bogged down by baby sister. And not force her to spend too much time playing or watching younger sister unless she asks to. Is this enough?

DP. You also can’t expect the older one to be the youngest’s metaphorical punching bag, always “mature” and always in second place. You’ll still need to be fair.

NP I was 9 years younger than my younger sister. I wanted a sister so badly. But it was seriously HARD when she came. I was always the helper, the babysitter, the one who had to be better. If we had a fight, I was always in trouble even when she was 3/4/5 and destroying my things because I was "older and should know better." It was such a bad dynamic and my sister was a terror. It wasn't until I went to college that everything got so much better. I no longer had to attend ALL her sports games, everything for her and drive her places. I had this whole life in college that was about me only and my parents had to struggle to deal with my sister on their own.

With my kids (I have 4), I tried a different tact. I read a lot of books about sibling rivalries and how to develop close bonds. I punish them together versus only punishing the older one. My oldest and my youngest are 7 years apart. Everyone is very close. The oldest LOVES being a big sister and was dying for our youngest baby.

Just something to be aware of OP. Every age different can be wonderful! Congratulations!

[Anonymous]

Going to throw out there, you don't have to have the kid, OP...

That said, my brother and I are 9 years apart. We're not close (but that has more to do with not seeing eye-to-eye on politics). His kids and my kids are closer to each other in age so they play together. In many ways, we were two only children.