Please be gentle/positive: 8 year age gap

[Anonymous]

I have three kids with an almost 10 year age gap between the oldest and youngest and an almost 7 year between middle and youngest. My kids are all very close. They enjoy all being together and they have separate relationships between them that are also close. The youngest has the oldest two wrapped around her little finger. They basically ignored her as a baby - neither older kid liked holding the baby or doing things for her. But, when she hit toddlerhood, it all changed and they just loved playing with her.

As a little kid, they would push her around on those ride on toys. They would sit her on tonka trucks and push her across the kitchen (yes, I had to stop that one). They always made sure she had great Christmases. They would lay in bed with her on Christmas eve or the night before Easter so that she didn't discover that Santa and the Easter bunny weren't real. They taught her to roller blade before she was out of diapers

When she hit elementary school, I discovered that they had put these pole things on the back of their bike so they could take her places, another thing that gave me a heart attack. They were the ones that got her to jump off the high dive at the pool.

As teenagers and end of elementary years forward, the three of them would spend evenings together on the trampoline or on hoverboards in the kitchen - parents were excluded so I have no idea what they talked about. Now that the older kids drive, they take my youngest anywhere she wants to go whenever she wants to go. She never asks me first to take her somewhere because they are more likely to say yes.

Anyway, so it has worked out well in our family. One thing I did was that we never slowed down just because we had a new baby. That baby went everywhere on my back. I hiked to the bottom of Bryce Canyon and on glaciers in Alaska with a baby on my back. I went to PTA meetings and school conferences with her on my back. We were not a slave to the nap - she had to learn to survive in our family, which she did like a champ. So, the older kids didn't miss out on things because of her.

[Anonymous]

I honestly think big gaps like this actually form some of the closest sibling relationships, particularly in adulthood.

Without any overlap in school, they are not really competing against each other. Not competing for attention from the parents either. It's almost like having two "only" children. They get to form very separate identities without competition.

[Anonymous]

You child loves being an old kid because that is all they know. They don't have any experience with being a big sister/brother. They will love that too, even if it takes a little while to adjust to it.

[Anonymous]

I’m only two years apart from my sister and we don’t speak, haven’t for years. Age gap is far less a factor in sibling dynamics than you think OP, trust me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to sell this to 7 year old. Let child know they will be even more important because baby will always look up to them, and oldest will do everything first. I don't know, think up stuff to sell it. And don't ask it, tell it. Reverse psychology man. Finally, your kid can say they have a sister or brother when other kids talk about theirs.

My 7 year old would flip for joy if she had a baby sibling. She would be like an underaged mother’s helper and secretly plotting to dispose of me so she could have the baby all to herself.

Ha! If my mother had gone ahead and had a baby when I wanted her to (I was 8 years old) then I'd have been like her, too... but alas, they stopped at 2 - me and my very annoying younger sister who was 22 months younger and NOT what I wanted at 8 years old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know you asked for positive stories, but I feel I need to be real with you hear because it might help you. My sister and I are 8 years apart with me being the younger sister. WE get along find now as adults, not so much as kids, part of this is due to the age gap and part of this is because my parents forced my sister to be happy about it.

I think things probably would have gone more smoothly if they had accepted she may not be excited about it, and not try to force her into the big sister role.

Let your oldest child have their feelings.
Try to keep as much of their routine and life the same as possible.

+1 in a positive way because it’s something you can control.

Keep treating your first born well, and s/he will be fine.

[Anonymous]

Congratulations! Mine are 7 years apart and my younger is really enjoying being an only now that the the older one is in college. The older one enjoyed time as an only before the younger arrived. Everyone is fine. You can't plan everything but you can try to be a happy family.

[Anonymous]

My mom and her sister are 8 years apart. My cousin and I are 4 years apart and we are very close. Congrats on your pregnancy!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know you asked for positive stories, but I feel I need to be real with you hear because it might help you. My sister and I are 8 years apart with me being the younger sister. WE get along find now as adults, not so much as kids, part of this is due to the age gap and part of this is because my parents forced my sister to be happy about it.

I think things probably would have gone more smoothly if they had accepted she may not be excited about it, and not try to force her into the big sister role.

Let your oldest child have their feelings.
Try to keep as much of their routine and life the same as possible.

This is good advice! I have two female cousins with this age gap, and growing up the older one really seemed not to want to do anything with the younger one, and we thought of her as a mean and bossy older sister. However upon reflection we realized that she was being forced into a role she didn't really want at the time. I think their relationship improved greatly when she went away to college, and then came to the US for grad school, and she was free of the pressure of being a big sister/ missed her family.
Fast forward several years, and the two are really close and have really been there for each other. The older one supported the younger one in emigrating to the US. The younger one recently divorced (25-year marriage) and her sister has been a rock through all of it.

[Anonymous]

I have 2 friends who were 7 when their younger brothers were born. Neither friend has ever expressed any ambiguity or anything less than "typical" wonderful sibling love for their younger brother! I have never asked them how they felt when they learned they were going to be big siblings, but the point is sort of that it doesn't matter. It matters in the moment, of course, but at the end of the day they're just another set of siblings and they get along and have strong relationships etc.

[Anonymous]

I'm 6 years older than my brother and 12 years older than my sister. I was thrilled by news of the former, devastated by news of the latter But we're all close now as adults (I would say I'm closer individually to my siblings than they are to each other) and as a bonus down the road, I was a wayyyyyy more prepared parent than most peers because of extensive babysitting experience as a teen. Growing up, there were a lot of times I chafed at "lowest common denominator" parenting (parents trying to apply same rules across all 3 of us/treating me like a child), but because we were all always at different life stages and relatively independent when the younger sibling(s) came along, I do feel like we were treated more as individuals and didn't lack for the specific attention we needed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have three kids with an almost 10 year age gap between the oldest and youngest and an almost 7 year between middle and youngest. My kids are all very close. They enjoy all being together and they have separate relationships between them that are also close. The youngest has the oldest two wrapped around her little finger. They basically ignored her as a baby - neither older kid liked holding the baby or doing things for her. But, when she hit toddlerhood, it all changed and they just loved playing with her.

As a little kid, they would push her around on those ride on toys. They would sit her on tonka trucks and push her across the kitchen (yes, I had to stop that one). They always made sure she had great Christmases. They would lay in bed with her on Christmas eve or the night before Easter so that she didn't discover that Santa and the Easter bunny weren't real. They taught her to roller blade before she was out of diapers

When she hit elementary school, I discovered that they had put these pole things on the back of their bike so they could take her places, another thing that gave me a heart attack. They were the ones that got her to jump off the high dive at the pool.

As teenagers and end of elementary years forward, the three of them would spend evenings together on the trampoline or on hoverboards in the kitchen - parents were excluded so I have no idea what they talked about. Now that the older kids drive, they take my youngest anywhere she wants to go whenever she wants to go. She never asks me first to take her somewhere because they are more likely to say yes.

Anyway, so it has worked out well in our family. One thing I did was that we never slowed down just because we had a new baby. That baby went everywhere on my back. I hiked to the bottom of Bryce Canyon and on glaciers in Alaska with a baby on my back. I went to PTA meetings and school conferences with her on my back. We were not a slave to the nap - she had to learn to survive in our family, which she did like a champ. So, the older kids didn't miss out on things because of her.

I love this, and yes, have a journal entry about siblings written by my baby sister when she was 8 or so that says something like, "I love my siblings because they take me places"

[Anonymous]

My kids have a 8 year gap and love each other so much.

[Anonymous]

I’m 7 years younger than my brother and we get along great now (37 and 44). We got along well as children too, but grew much closer as adults. In a lot of ways it was like we were two only children. As the younger, I felt lonely at times in childhood without close age playmates, but was very good at talking to and dealing with adults and older kids. But on the plus side, we never fought as children, our parents were really able to focus on each of our baby and toddlerhoods, and we both had a 7 year span of being the only kid in the house for the parents to put all their focus on (me after he went to college when I was 11).

[Anonymous]

My brother and I are 8 years apart. We were always buddies growing up! Best part is you don’t fight ever, because what does a 12 year old have to fight about with a 4 year old? DH’s sisters are spread out over 14 years between them but they are all close with each other.

Thinking about it, I have known tons of people with big age gaps between them and their sibs and their relationships run the gamut from really close to can’t stand each other, pretty much the same as everyone I know whose sibs are close in age or them.