Why are some girls so lucky in love and others struggle?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Man, PP really hit a nerve by saying that attractive and traditionally feminine women have much more choice and therefore a higher likelihood of marrying well.

If true, it underscores that being a wife is a job that some women are better suited for than others. Let's be honest about the work it entails, though, and caution women to be aware of what they are being paid for doing it. Marriage is not the "prize" for winning a beauty contest.

PP here. I'd also say that women in happy marriages or married to "good quality guys" possess certain traits.

- no ego. These girls are again, feminine in their disposition in that they naturally know to turn the spotlight on their BF early on and let him take the lead. By doing this they build him up and he, in turn, builds her up by giving her gf privileges and eventually marriage and children and financial support.

- not argumentative. They are chill and go with the flow. Not super demanding. Guys do not like girls who throw a fit and can't be pleased.

- no drama. levelheaded and mature.

Marriage involves sacrifice, humility and putting your husband and children first. Its not about ME its about US.

Selfish, entitled and egotistical people, men and women, are weeded out early by the marriageable types who gravitate towards each other.

PP: what kind of married people do you know? I don’t hang out with dramatic, demanding, egotistical people, but the vast majority of the married women I know are argumentative, not chill, and don’t make an effort to let their husbands lead. I hardly know anybody like the women you are describing.

This is all irrelevant to being “lucky in love.”

I’m the PP with married friends who aren’t feminine and I totally agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Man, PP really hit a nerve by saying that attractive and traditionally feminine women have much more choice and therefore a higher likelihood of marrying well.

I think the problem is implying only women need to be this way, while men get a free pass. When in reality, a man who is:

- reasonably attractive
- good with kids and animals
- doesn’t start drama
- isn’t argumentative
- is pleasant to be around

Will also do *very* well when dating. I don’t know a woman out there who doesn’t instantly turn to mush when she sees a man who is good with kids. For sure, there are jerks who get married or laid, but I wouldn’t call them “lucky in love”. I’ve known several and their marriages aren’t very happy.

Bottom line for men and women is to be a kind, caring person.

[Anonymous]

I'd also say self confidence is important as many wonderful women who have low self esteem waste years in dead end of toxic relationships while the good guys are getting snatched up by their more confident peers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd also say self confidence is important as many wonderful women who have low self esteem waste years in dead end of toxic relationships while the good guys are getting snatched up by their more confident peers.

This is so, so true. It doesn’t have to be social confidence, but women who don’t feel like they are worth the love and respect of a decent partner rarely get it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Man, PP really hit a nerve by saying that attractive and traditionally feminine women have much more choice and therefore a higher likelihood of marrying well.

I think the problem is implying only women need to be this way, while men get a free pass. When in reality, a man who is:

- reasonably attractive
- good with kids and animals
- doesn’t start drama
- isn’t argumentative
- is pleasant to be around

Will also do *very* well when dating. I don’t know a woman out there who doesn’t instantly turn to mush when she sees a man who is good with kids. For sure, there are jerks who get married or laid, but I wouldn’t call them “lucky in love”. I’ve known several and their marriages aren’t very happy.

Bottom line for men and women is to be a kind, caring person.

The bonus point for men are: looks, emotional intelligence, sex, and money.

[Anonymous]

Well I consider myself a good catch that got snapped up late 20s, married at 30, and still married. What kind of women caught my attention?
-educated, has life goals
-at least average looking but dresses and styles herself to be the best she can with what she has
-challenges my thinking
-doesn:t mind watching The Three Stooges
-and above all, we can constructively disagree and resolve issues

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well I consider myself a good catch that got snapped up late 20s, married at 30, and still married. What kind of women caught my attention?
-educated, has life goals
-at least average looking but dresses and styles herself to be the best she can with what she has
-challenges my thinking
-doesn:t mind watching The Three Stooges
-and above all, we can constructively disagree and resolve issues

Thank you! I’m a woman and I think that you are typical. It seems like many women assume men don’t want somebody who challenges their partner’s thinking and constructively disagrees. It is odd to me that people think men want doormats. Of course everybody wants somebody who makes them feel important but that goes for both genders and doesn’t require being a pushover.

Of course some men want a doormat who will just agree with everything they say, but they are not somebody you would want to marry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd also say self confidence is important as many wonderful women who have low self esteem waste years in dead end of toxic relationships while the good guys are getting snatched up by their more confident peers.

[/b]This is so, so true. It doesn’t have to be social confidence, but women who don’t feel like they are worth the love and respect of a decent partner rarely get it. [b]

+1 Just realized this has been my issue….

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd also say self confidence is important as many wonderful women who have low self esteem waste years in dead end of toxic relationships while the good guys are getting snatched up by their more confident peers.

[/b]This is so, so true. It doesn’t have to be social confidence, but women who don’t feel like they are worth the love and respect of a decent partner rarely get it. [b]

+1 Just realized this has been my issue….

It’s hard to change as an adult. You can’t help your FOO

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd also say self confidence is important as many wonderful women who have low self esteem waste years in dead end of toxic relationships while the good guys are getting snatched up by their more confident peers.

[/b]This is so, so true. It doesn’t have to be social confidence, but women who don’t feel like they are worth the love and respect of a decent partner rarely get it. [b]

+1 Just realized this has been my issue….

It’s hard to change as an adult. You can’t help your FOO

Seriously working on it and am hopeful!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd also say self confidence is important as many wonderful women who have low self esteem waste years in dead end of toxic relationships while the good guys are getting snatched up by their more confident peers.

[/b]This is so, so true. It doesn’t have to be social confidence, but women who don’t feel like they are worth the love and respect of a decent partner rarely get it. [b]

+1 Just realized this has been my issue….

It’s hard to change as an adult. You can’t help your FOO

Seriously working on it and am hopeful!

Thank you for bringing up FOO. The poster who was talking about doormat step-ford wives in her UMC circle really got to me. It is like she exists in a world where abuse (emotional, physical, coercive control etc) doesn’t exist or she is willing to turn a blind eye to it. I have seen abuse in marriages at all SES levels from politicians to stock brokers to drug addicts. Telling women that the “highest value” women who “do well” are pretty, easy going and let their BFs/husbands “shine” is paving the way for abusers. I understand that that poster may truly believe what they are saying, but coming from an abusive FOO, that is a loaded profile to throw upon women.

[Anonymous]

Telling women that the “highest value” women who “do well” are pretty, easy going and let their BFs/husbands “shine” is paving the way for abusers. I understand that that poster may truly believe what they are saying, but coming from an abusive FOO, that is a loaded profile to throw upon women.

Saying that men value women who are pretty and easy going is pretty much stating a law of nature.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it is not luck. I think it is more about idealized expectations verses practicality. A person with more idealized expectations than practicality is going to have a harder time finding someone. If you are prone to limmerence, you will have a hard time maintaining that beyond a year. If you are looking for compatibility (in the bedroom too, but not just there), you will have an easier time. Having that initial spark is fun, but it does not last and needs to be backed up with more deeper feelings that can only develop with someone over time.

Attractiveness can mean you have more opportunities to find someone. But it can also mean you narrow your choices based on things that are more superficial and miss out on someone that doesn’t fit your expectation.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have had the same frustrations you have had. My friends who all seemed "lucky" in love were girls who had a combination of 2 things:

- Inherent good looks. It requires a lot of work and dedication to look the part of an "attractive woman." Girls who are genetically blessed have a leg up. Before learning to style and groom yourself, your true raw beauty shows through. Having been born pretty means that even when you're 19 and haven't quite figured out how to apply proper eyeliner, your raw beauty helps attract a pool of guys before you even really try. So from an early age you get exposure to male attention and desire and from experience, and self confidence, you learn to sharpen your picker and select the best guy to settle down with. These girls aren't necessarily super models...but they meet society's beauty standards: thin, long shiny hair, nice eyes and figure. Working out, makeup and styling takes them to a whole other level.

- Innate femininity and nurturing qualities. This is more than learning how to wear dresses or apply perfect make up. Its being feminine and early on. Babysitting, being a teacher or helping raise 4 little siblings. Affinity for dogs and pets. And yes, interest in beauty and styling. Soft and feminine. Guys want to court and date a GIRL. They had a knack for dressing to attract attention. Red lips, a little bit of thigh here, high heels. Guys were putty.

Literally every woman I know who is married or happy married possesses these qualities.

+1 This is quite accurate. I’d add that the most marriageable men end up getting scooped up early, so a willingness to enter a very serious relationship by mid-twenties can be important.

I think it’s important to add that good looks does not mean you will be lucky in love. I’ve known quite a few attractive women who cannot get it together and pick the right kind of guy. They have their pick, but they’re attracted to commitment-phobes, bad boys, and guys who don’t treat them well. I don’t necessarily think that male attention early on will cultivate a healthy self esteem, but if you already have a healthy self esteem at a young age (aka was raised in an emotionally healthy/functional, two parent household) these women will realize they have their choice early on. I’ve also known many attractive women who took their mother’s advice to delay marriage and spent years living with a great guy who wouldn’t commit. After the breakup, these women end up entering a dating market that is much different and tougher than they remember it.

PP here. I was actually going to add, I also have beautiful friends who have struggled. In their case it was their lack of emotional maturity and femininity that hindered them.

Marriageable guys know from an early age what kind of girl to go for. They do not go for the hot party girl who is not feminine and is masculine in her disposition. They will sleep with her and date her, but never marry her.
Guys just know. Its mostly biology.

This. I was the hot party girl. Sure they wanted to sleep with me, but they all married Plain Jane.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Telling women that the “highest value” women who “do well” are pretty, easy going and let their BFs/husbands “shine” is paving the way for abusers. I understand that that poster may truly believe what they are saying, but coming from an abusive FOO, that is a loaded profile to throw upon women.

Saying that men value women who are pretty and easy going is pretty much stating a law of nature.

The way tbe original PP was talking was more than pretty and easygoing. Note the man who commented above that he wanted a woman who challenged his thinking and with whom he could respectfully disagree. That is healthy. Constantly letting the man have the spotlight, letting him lead, letting him always think he is right, etc. is completely different and is an abusive dynamic.