Why are some girls so lucky in love and others struggle?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have had the same frustrations you have had. My friends who all seemed "lucky" in love were girls who had a combination of 2 things:

- Inherent good looks. It requires a lot of work and dedication to look the part of an "attractive woman." Girls who are genetically blessed have a leg up. Before learning to style and groom yourself, your true raw beauty shows through. Having been born pretty means that even when you're 19 and haven't quite figured out how to apply proper eyeliner, your raw beauty helps attract a pool of guys before you even really try. So from an early age you get exposure to male attention and desire and from experience, and self confidence, you learn to sharpen your picker and select the best guy to settle down with. These girls aren't necessarily super models...but they meet society's beauty standards: thin, long shiny hair, nice eyes and figure. Working out, makeup and styling takes them to a whole other level.

- Innate femininity and nurturing qualities. This is more than learning how to wear dresses or apply perfect make up. Its being feminine and early on. Babysitting, being a teacher or helping raise 4 little siblings. Affinity for dogs and pets. And yes, interest in beauty and styling. Soft and feminine. Guys want to court and date a GIRL. They had a knack for dressing to attract attention. Red lips, a little bit of thigh here, high heels. Guys were putty.

Literally every woman I know who is married or happy married possesses these qualities.

+1 This is quite accurate. I’d add that the most marriageable men end up getting scooped up early, so a willingness to enter a very serious relationship by mid-twenties can be important.

I think it’s important to add that good looks does not mean you will be lucky in love. I’ve known quite a few attractive women who cannot get it together and pick the right kind of guy. They have their pick, but they’re attracted to commitment-phobes, bad boys, and guys who don’t treat them well. I don’t necessarily think that male attention early on will cultivate a healthy self esteem, but if you already have a healthy self esteem at a young age (aka was raised in an emotionally healthy/functional, two parent household) these women will realize they have their choice early on. I’ve also known many attractive women who took their mother’s advice to delay marriage and spent years living with a great guy who wouldn’t commit. After the breakup, these women end up entering a dating market that is much different and tougher than they remember it.

PP here. I was actually going to add, I also have beautiful friends who have struggled. In their case it was their lack of emotional maturity and femininity that hindered them.

Marriageable guys know from an early age what kind of girl to go for. They do not go for the hot party girl who is not feminine and is masculine in her disposition. They will sleep with her and date her, but never marry her.
Guys just know. Its mostly biology.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Man, PP really hit a nerve by saying that attractive and traditionally feminine women have much more choice and therefore a higher likelihood of marrying well.

If they choose to work, they will also receive more help and better treatment, over time it leads to more confidence and help with promotions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have had the same frustrations you have had. My friends who all seemed "lucky" in love were girls who had a combination of 2 things:

- Inherent good looks. It requires a lot of work and dedication to look the part of an "attractive woman." Girls who are genetically blessed have a leg up. Before learning to style and groom yourself, your true raw beauty shows through. Having been born pretty means that even when you're 19 and haven't quite figured out how to apply proper eyeliner, your raw beauty helps attract a pool of guys before you even really try. So from an early age you get exposure to male attention and desire and from experience, and self confidence, you learn to sharpen your picker and select the best guy to settle down with. These girls aren't necessarily super models...but they meet society's beauty standards: thin, long shiny hair, nice eyes and figure. Working out, makeup and styling takes them to a whole other level.

- Innate femininity and nurturing qualities. This is more than learning how to wear dresses or apply perfect make up. Its being feminine and early on. Babysitting, being a teacher or helping raise 4 little siblings. Affinity for dogs and pets. And yes, interest in beauty and styling. Soft and feminine. Guys want to court and date a GIRL. They had a knack for dressing to attract attention. Red lips, a little bit of thigh here, high heels. Guys were putty.

Literally every woman I know who is married or happy married possesses these qualities.

Ha well consider me the exception! I am happily married and I’m not like that at all. I am a five, six tops in looks if I don’t make an effort, and I am not nurturing, soft, or feminine. Well I am nurturing but really only toward my own kids. I actually stopped wearing heels when I started dating DH because he is on the shorter side and only six inches taller (which I guess suggests some kind of femininity but still).

I have a fun personality, I’m smart, I’m nice to people, I listen to DH, we have good conversations, and DH thinks I’m a really good mom to his kids. I have a good body but if I didn’t I probably would have just married somebody less attractive.

I still think it’s mostly just luck. I didn’t cultivate any of those qualities, I was just born with them, and DH is just seriously committed to cultivating a quality marriage.

Being smart is much higher in confidence interval as far as genetic blessing goes than being pretty.

Being pretty goes a long way, I have beautiful friends in their 40s continue to receive attention from DH and in general.

Perhaps. Self confidence is something that I have to cultivate—it doesn’t come naturally to me at all—but doing well in school and such does help a lot. Probably more than attention from men (for me anyway, I don’t really care for attention from random men).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Man, PP really hit a nerve by saying that attractive and traditionally feminine women have much more choice and therefore a higher likelihood of marrying well.

If true, it underscores that being a wife is a job that some women are better suited for than others. Let's be honest about the work it entails, though, and caution women to be aware of what they are being paid for doing it. Marriage is not the "prize" for winning a beauty contest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Man, PP really hit a nerve by saying that attractive and traditionally feminine women have much more choice and therefore a higher likelihood of marrying well.

I dont think it is so much that. The idea that attractive and feminine women have more choice in who they marry is well-established. I think it’s that PP said that every married women she knows is like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Man, PP really hit a nerve by saying that attractive and traditionally feminine women have much more choice and therefore a higher likelihood of marrying well.

If true, it underscores that being a wife is a job that some women are better suited for than others. Let's be honest about the work it entails, though, and caution women to be aware of what they are being paid for doing it. Marriage is not the "prize" for winning a beauty contest.

Romanic books/movies wants women to think being a wife is a prize, so statistically significant amount of women will do it for free while working 40 hours for capitalists.

Love is a social construct, as much as fluid gender identification.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Man, PP really hit a nerve by saying that attractive and traditionally feminine women have much more choice and therefore a higher likelihood of marrying well.

If true, it underscores that being a wife is a job that some women are better suited for than others. Let's be honest about the work it entails, though, and caution women to be aware of what they are being paid for doing it. Marriage is not the "prize" for winning a beauty contest.

PP here. I'd also say that women in happy marriages or married to "good quality guys" possess certain traits.

- no ego. These girls are again, feminine in their disposition in that they naturally know to turn the spotlight on their BF early on and let him take the lead. By doing this they build him up and he, in turn, builds her up by giving her gf privileges and eventually marriage and children and financial support.

- not argumentative. They are chill and go with the flow. Not super demanding. Guys do not like girls who throw a fit and can't be pleased.

- no drama. levelheaded and mature.

Marriage involves sacrifice, humility and putting your husband and children first. Its not about ME its about US.

Selfish, entitled and egotistical people, men and women, are weeded out early by the marriageable types who gravitate towards each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have had the same frustrations you have had. My friends who all seemed "lucky" in love were girls who had a combination of 2 things:

- Inherent good looks. It requires a lot of work and dedication to look the part of an "attractive woman." Girls who are genetically blessed have a leg up. Before learning to style and groom yourself, your true raw beauty shows through. Having been born pretty means that even when you're 19 and haven't quite figured out how to apply proper eyeliner, your raw beauty helps attract a pool of guys before you even really try. So from an early age you get exposure to male attention and desire and from experience, and self confidence, you learn to sharpen your picker and select the best guy to settle down with. These girls aren't necessarily super models...but they meet society's beauty standards: thin, long shiny hair, nice eyes and figure. Working out, makeup and styling takes them to a whole other level.

- Innate femininity and nurturing qualities. This is more than learning how to wear dresses or apply perfect make up. Its being feminine and early on. Babysitting, being a teacher or helping raise 4 little siblings. Affinity for dogs and pets. And yes, interest in beauty and styling. Soft and feminine. Guys want to court and date a GIRL. They had a knack for dressing to attract attention. Red lips, a little bit of thigh here, high heels. Guys were putty.

Literally every woman I know who is married or happy married possesses these qualities.

Ha well consider me the exception! I am happily married and I’m not like that at all. I am a five, six tops in looks if I don’t make an effort, and I am not nurturing, soft, or feminine. Well I am nurturing but really only toward my own kids. I actually stopped wearing heels when I started dating DH because he is on the shorter side and only six inches taller (which I guess suggests some kind of femininity but still).

I have a fun personality, I’m smart, I’m nice to people, I listen to DH, we have good conversations, and DH thinks I’m a really good mom to his kids. I have a good body but if I didn’t I probably would have just married somebody less attractive.

I still think it’s mostly just luck. I didn’t cultivate any of those qualities, I was just born with them, and DH is just seriously committed to cultivating a quality marriage.

Being smart is much higher in confidence interval as far as genetic blessing goes than being pretty.

Being pretty goes a long way, I have beautiful friends in their 40s continue to receive attention from DH and in general.

Perhaps. Self confidence is something that I have to cultivate—it doesn’t come naturally to me at all—but doing well in school and such does help a lot. Probably more than attention from men (for me anyway, I don’t really care for attention from random men).

Since beauty is such a huge social signifier for women, girls who are natural beauties reap the rewards early in life. Being treated well and with respect as a young girl instill innate self confidence that those who are not as good looking have to work very hard to cultivate and develop.

This self confidence also plays a part in helping pretty girls marry well by picking well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think a lot of it is being a well-rounded, well-developed person. Someone who:

- takes care of their health, but isn’t obsessed with dieting or working out
- has a good job they enjoy but also has work-life balance and isn’t always stressed from work
- dresses well without being high maintenance, has their own style
- is open and easy to talk to, without treating dates like therapy sessions
- has personality, is fun, has interests and hobbies beyond just drinking or watching Netflix, has friends
- healthy relationship with sex, no hangups, but doesn’t push for it too early

I’m female, and those are all qualities I look for in men, so I try to exemplify them myself. I’ve found I get higher quality men that are willing to commit when my life feels more well-rounded and fuller.

+1 plus a few other things mentioned in prior posts IMO

Eh, there are totally exercised obsessed people who end up with other exercised obsessed people. Or people with no style who either end up with someone who dresses them or someone who doesn't care about style. This list is just your list.

My personal take is that a big part of it is being flexible and not expecting to find a perfect person. Don't compromise on core values, but I certainly married an engineer with no style. We have a great relationship. I buy his clothes and his lack of style has zero impact on our relationship. Maybe that wouldn't work for you, but I'm sure there are things I value that are less important to you. My friends who are still single in their late 30s all have some hang up and are often looking for the lead from a romantic comedy rather than a real person with both strengths and flaws.

Your comment is like a few others in addition to this post. Both things can be true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Man, PP really hit a nerve by saying that attractive and traditionally feminine women have much more choice and therefore a higher likelihood of marrying well.

If true, it underscores that being a wife is a job that some women are better suited for than others. Let's be honest about the work it entails, though, and caution women to be aware of what they are being paid for doing it. Marriage is not the "prize" for winning a beauty contest.

PP here. I'd also say that women in happy marriages or married to "good quality guys" possess certain traits.

- no ego. These girls are again, feminine in their disposition in that they naturally know to turn the spotlight on their BF early on and let him take the lead. By doing this they build him up and he, in turn, builds her up by giving her gf privileges and eventually marriage and children and financial support.

- not argumentative. They are chill and go with the flow. Not super demanding. Guys do not like girls who throw a fit and can't be pleased.

- no drama. levelheaded and mature.

Marriage involves sacrifice, humility and putting your husband and children first. Its not about ME its about US.

Selfish, entitled and egotistical people, men and women, are weeded out early by the marriageable types who gravitate towards each other.

PP: what kind of married people do you know? I don’t hang out with dramatic, demanding, egotistical people, but the vast majority of the married women I know are argumentative, not chill, and don’t make an effort to let their husbands lead. I hardly know anybody like the women you are describing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The happiest, luckiest couples I know have a really great friendship first and foremost. A real friendship, based on fun, common interests, actually being interested in the other person, etc.

Agree

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think a lot of it is being a well-rounded, well-developed person. Someone who:

- takes care of their health, but isn’t obsessed with dieting or working out
- has a good job they enjoy but also has work-life balance and isn’t always stressed from work
- dresses well without being high maintenance, has their own style
- is open and easy to talk to, without treating dates like therapy sessions
- has personality, is fun, has interests and hobbies beyond just drinking or watching Netflix, has friends
- healthy relationship with sex, no hangups, but doesn’t push for it too early

I’m female, and those are all qualities I look for in men, so I try to exemplify them myself. I’ve found I get higher quality men that are willing to commit when my life feels more well-rounded and fuller.

+1 plus a few other things mentioned in prior posts IMO

Eh, there are totally exercised obsessed people who end up with other exercised obsessed people. Or people with no style who either end up with someone who dresses them or someone who doesn't care about style. This list is just your list.

My personal take is that a big part of it is being flexible and not expecting to find a perfect person. Don't compromise on core values, but I certainly married an engineer with no style. We have a great relationship. I buy his clothes and his lack of style has zero impact on our relationship. Maybe that wouldn't work for you, but I'm sure there are things I value that are less important to you. My friends who are still single in their late 30s all have some hang up and are often looking for the lead from a romantic comedy rather than a real person with both strengths and flaws.

Your comment is like a few others in addition to this post. Both things can be true.

I just re-read your comment. I think you’re mixing up posts because of the -
I agree with your point but I’m wondering if you’re mixing posts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Man, PP really hit a nerve by saying that attractive and traditionally feminine women have much more choice and therefore a higher likelihood of marrying well.

If true, it underscores that being a wife is a job that some women are better suited for than others. Let's be honest about the work it entails, though, and caution women to be aware of what they are being paid for doing it. Marriage is not the "prize" for winning a beauty contest.

PP here. I'd also say that women in happy marriages or married to "good quality guys" possess certain traits.

- no ego. These girls are again, feminine in their disposition in that they naturally know to turn the spotlight on their BF early on and let him take the lead. By doing this they build him up and he, in turn, builds her up by giving her gf privileges and eventually marriage and children and financial support.

- not argumentative. They are chill and go with the flow. Not super demanding. Guys do not like girls who throw a fit and can't be pleased.

- no drama. levelheaded and mature.

Marriage involves sacrifice, humility and putting your husband and children first. Its not about ME its about US.

Selfish, entitled and egotistical people, men and women, are weeded out early by the marriageable types who gravitate towards each other.

PP: what kind of married people do you know? I don’t hang out with dramatic, demanding, egotistical people, but the vast majority of the married women I know are argumentative, not chill, and don’t make an effort to let their husbands lead. I hardly know anybody like the women you are describing.

This is all irrelevant to being “lucky in love.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Man, PP really hit a nerve by saying that attractive and traditionally feminine women have much more choice and therefore a higher likelihood of marrying well.

If true, it underscores that being a wife is a job that some women are better suited for than others. Let's be honest about the work it entails, though, and caution women to be aware of what they are being paid for doing it. Marriage is not the "prize" for winning a beauty contest.

PP here. I'd also say that women in happy marriages or married to "good quality guys" possess certain traits.

- no ego. These girls are again, feminine in their disposition in that they naturally know to turn the spotlight on their BF early on and let him take the lead. By doing this they build him up and he, in turn, builds her up by giving her gf privileges and eventually marriage and children and financial support.

- not argumentative. They are chill and go with the flow. Not super demanding. Guys do not like girls who throw a fit and can't be pleased.

- no drama. levelheaded and mature.

Marriage involves sacrifice, humility and putting your husband and children first. Its not about ME its about US.

Selfish, entitled and egotistical people, men and women, are weeded out early by the marriageable types who gravitate towards each other.

PP: what kind of married people do you know? I don’t hang out with dramatic, demanding, egotistical people, but the vast majority of the married women I know are argumentative, not chill, and don’t make an effort to let their husbands lead. I hardly know anybody like the women you are describing.

PP here. Maybe its my UMC/UC social circle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have had the same frustrations you have had. My friends who all seemed "lucky" in love were girls who had a combination of 2 things:

- Inherent good looks. It requires a lot of work and dedication to look the part of an "attractive woman." Girls who are genetically blessed have a leg up. Before learning to style and groom yourself, your true raw beauty shows through. Having been born pretty means that even when you're 19 and haven't quite figured out how to apply proper eyeliner, your raw beauty helps attract a pool of guys before you even really try. So from an early age you get exposure to male attention and desire and from experience, and self confidence, you learn to sharpen your picker and select the best guy to settle down with. These girls aren't necessarily super models...but they meet society's beauty standards: thin, long shiny hair, nice eyes and figure. Working out, makeup and styling takes them to a whole other level.

- Innate femininity and nurturing qualities. This is more than learning how to wear dresses or apply perfect make up. Its being feminine and early on. Babysitting, being a teacher or helping raise 4 little siblings. Affinity for dogs and pets. And yes, interest in beauty and styling. Soft and feminine. Guys want to court and date a GIRL. They had a knack for dressing to attract attention. Red lips, a little bit of thigh here, high heels. Guys were putty.

Literally every woman I know who is married or happy married possesses these qualities.

Ha well consider me the exception! I am happily married and I’m not like that at all. I am a five, six tops in looks if I don’t make an effort, and I am not nurturing, soft, or feminine. Well I am nurturing but really only toward my own kids. I actually stopped wearing heels when I started dating DH because he is on the shorter side and only six inches taller (which I guess suggests some kind of femininity but still).

I have a fun personality, I’m smart, I’m nice to people, I listen to DH, we have good conversations, and DH thinks I’m a really good mom to his kids. I have a good body but if I didn’t I probably would have just married somebody less attractive.

I still think it’s mostly just luck. I didn’t cultivate any of those qualities, I was just born with them, and DH is just seriously committed to cultivating a quality marriage.

Being smart is much higher in confidence interval as far as genetic blessing goes than being pretty.

Being pretty goes a long way, I have beautiful friends in their 40s continue to receive attention from DH and in general.

Perhaps. Self confidence is something that I have to cultivate—it doesn’t come naturally to me at all—but doing well in school and such does help a lot. Probably more than attention from men (for me anyway, I don’t really care for attention from random men).

Since beauty is such a huge social signifier for women, girls who are natural beauties reap the rewards early in life. Being treated well and with respect as a young girl instill innate self confidence that those who are not as good looking have to work very hard to cultivate and develop.

This self confidence also plays a part in helping pretty girls marry well by picking well.

I think it’s just individual. I know pretty people who are ultimately very insecure either because there was too much focus on their bodies from a young age, because they don’t have other qualities and are jealous, or they are just naturally not confident.

But yes, being pretty definitely sets you up for much more success in many aspects of life. (Although I’m not sure about the happy marriage one, I think a happy marriage. It seems like lots of women who aren’t pretty still get married to sweet, responsible guys. They just aren’t conventionally attractive and/or don’t make a lot of money).