Can you tell me about upscale southern culture?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a person descended from poor white trash who went to southern private schools for 16 years, both k-12 and college, I am an outside observer on the subject of southern rich people.

Some are casually racist, some are not. Usually the richer and more well educated they are, the less classist and racist they are (in my experience) and try to make everyone feel welcome.

The warnings:

If the family welcomes all family members, they will usually have a number of eccentric family members they are fine with. And gay uncle Larlo and his partner Miles, for example, will be invited and embraced at family events, even if they aren't completely out. See, at least partially: a famous politician from SC.

Not all rich southern families are casually racist, but again, those with less money and less education than others are more likely to be racist than the richer, more educated families.

Beware any rich southerners who are still South Baptist or evangelical--they are the most likely to be racist. Episcopalians and Presbyterians, less so.

If I were your DD, I would plan for a longer engagement--she will need it if planning a large wedding that includes the groom's whole family and their old friends.

The one thing I have seen trip up people who marry into rich "old" southern families are the expectations: she needs to figure out what expectations there may be before actually getting married.

Does his family expect them to go to the family vacation house every single year, no matter what?
Does his family expect the couple to live near them, no matter what?

Does his family expect her to dress and act a particular way? (for example, many of the wealthier southern women I know have a fairly strict unwritten dress code, unless they are considered "eccentric.") It's fine to be eccentric, but there will be pressure to conform, which may continue on if they family is really conservative.

Does his family expect women to stay home and not work after they have children? Do any of his female family members work after having children?

If his family is old southern money, they are used to getting what they want. Your dd needs to observe his family and especially the female relatives, to see if there are any expectations they might not be talking about, which they assume everyone knows about already.

I've known really welcoming, wonderful, generous "old money" southern families, and then I've known others that could have stepped out of a southern gothic novel from the 1950s.

I’m the poster from above who married into a UC Southern family and every word of this is spot-on. Well done.

[Anonymous]

SEC Football rules the roost there. Some people I met disliked that I'm a UMD alum

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like my college roommate. Genteel, refined, lots of family traditions and the annual summer get-together/reunion. Not Southern though, she's from New England-ish.

+1
Agree with this. It can be Southern or old New England.

[Anonymous]

You people are a trip. The navel gazing is hilarious!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gucci is kind of tacky and Eurotrashy, no?

My DH is from a Virginia plantation family. We're one of the original families of this area. Their hobbies are Dog shows, horses, boats, that kind of thing.

Oh...and their other hobby is casual racism.

think of it as an homage to their history

And privilege

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my experience, these people come across as incredibly refined and stylish but are very exclusive and racist.

+1

BINGO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I married into an upper-class Southern family but my own relatives are working-class Northerners. I’ve heard wayyyyyy more casual racism from my Northerner relatives than from my ILs.

IMO, the class southerners are better at hiding their racism. They would never say anything negative out loud as it would be considered uncouth, but I would like at their behavior and attitudes arounding "colored" people and their social circle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm from Atlanta and sometimes these situations are too good to be true. I knew a guy like this in college and as it turned out the family was in serious debt and ended up declaring bankruptcy.

Atlanta is VERY showy. A lot of 'all hat no cattle' types. I'd be weary and make sure she sees how he handles every day life. I'd also make sure they have conversations around family life and her continuing to work after children. Some men like this assume the wife will give up her career.

+100

I'm not from there, but I spent some time in various parts of the south and the "big hat, no cattle" shtick is a huge thing, unfortunately. You see it here, too, but the LCOL (relative to DC, NYC, SF) down there makes disposable income go further, resulting in more opportunities for putting on appearences.

+1

Real Housewives of Northern VA Inner Suburbs. LOL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a person descended from poor white trash who went to southern private schools for 16 years, both k-12 and college, I am an outside observer on the subject of southern rich people.

Some are casually racist, some are not. Usually the richer and more well educated they are, the less classist and racist they are (in my experience) and try to make everyone feel welcome.

The warnings:

If the family welcomes all family members, they will usually have a number of eccentric family members they are fine with. And gay uncle Larlo and his partner Miles, for example, will be invited and embraced at family events, even if they aren't completely out. See, at least partially: a famous politician from SC.

Not all rich southern families are casually racist, but again, those with less money and less education than others are more likely to be racist than the richer, more educated families.

Beware any rich southerners who are still South Baptist or evangelical--they are the most likely to be racist. Episcopalians and Presbyterians, less so.

If I were your DD, I would plan for a longer engagement--she will need it if planning a large wedding that includes the groom's whole family and their old friends.

The one thing I have seen trip up people who marry into rich "old" southern families are the expectations: she needs to figure out what expectations there may be before actually getting married.

Does his family expect them to go to the family vacation house every single year, no matter what?
Does his family expect the couple to live near them, no matter what?

Does his family expect her to dress and act a particular way? (for example, many of the wealthier southern women I know have a fairly strict unwritten dress code, unless they are considered "eccentric.") It's fine to be eccentric, but there will be pressure to conform, which may continue on if they family is really conservative.

Does his family expect women to stay home and not work after they have children? Do any of his female family members work after having children?

If his family is old southern money, they are used to getting what they want. Your dd needs to observe his family and especially the female relatives, to see if there are any expectations they might not be talking about, which they assume everyone knows about already.

I've known really welcoming, wonderful, generous "old money" southern families, and then I've known others that could have stepped out of a southern gothic novel from the 1950s.

+1

DP here. Very true and very helpful, thank you. I think.

[Anonymous]

very close

A Clan. I don't mean -The- Clan, I mean there is likely "group think" ... we are "this". We think "this". You're either IN or you're OUT.

[Anonymous]

Moving far away means 150 miles down the road

[Anonymous]

Distain for all things "Yankee" is alive and well

[Anonymous]

sorry, meant disdain.

[Anonymous]

Clannish doesn't begin to describe it. No thank you.

[Anonymous]

Oh man, I hope you guys are prepared to pay for this wedding.