Is my husband gay or am I crazy?

[Anonymous]

Forget if he is gay or not, you should focus on how he IS a dick not if he is longing for one:

“ He is somewhat homophobic, which I read is a sign. For example, he doesn’t let our 9 yo son do anything that would be considered feminine like cooking. He gets upset if he acts like a girl while playing. He will sometimes make homophobic remarks—not hateful but kind of sarcastic/humorous that make it known that he does not approve of this lifestyle. And this is from an otherwise worldly , open minded person. He has several gay colleagues, acquaintances and a couple friends that he respects and likes very much. So it is a little weird. But again, we have a conservative religious background so it may stem from that. ”

That whole passaye is despicable, I guess you overlooked because he was wealthy and good looking (no pre-nup right, so if he does blow up your lives you are protected?)

But it’s 2021, you need to shut that snit down and model better for your kids.

[Anonymous]

Can you look at the young guys social media to find out if he is gay?

[Anonymous]

Your great guy is probably misogynistic too

And some 40 yr old hanging with a 25 yr old!!!! WTAF??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you look at the young guys social media to find out if he is gay?

Catfish him.

[Anonymous]

This has to be a troll.

Did any of you catch the “guy stuff”.

OP posts they go on one-on-one hikes!! That is not a thing for straight men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am so confused (and upset when I think too much)

Married 20 years.
3 teen kids
We are both mid 40s
We are best friends, have fun together. He’s very affectionate overall (lots of hugs/kisses but not passionate), great dad, gets along great with my family, incredibly considerate of me in every aspect of my life, likes to do stuff with me, wealthy/good looking. So basically, he’s perfect. I love him so much.

Reasons I think he might be gay (and have had on/off thoughts over the years):

Never had a lot of sex (from day one)
We are from religiously conservative background so Never had premarital sex either.
Long dry spells (even months) which I attributed to young kids and very busy careers. Recently, this has picked up at my insistence now that kids older.
We have sex once/week but it’s not great. He’s always hurried, and tries to please me, but seems rushed overall and he orgasms rather quickly. It’s like a chore. He seems to think this is fine snd despite early attempts to guide him, I gave up. He says he has performance anxiety—and that’s why was fine to avoid sex earlier in our marriage. I wonder though?

He is somewhat homophobic, which I read is a sign. For example, he doesn’t let our 9 yo son do anything that would be considered feminine like cooking. He gets upset if he acts like a girl while playing. He will sometimes make homophobic remarks—not hateful but kind of sarcastic/humorous that make it known that he does not approve of this lifestyle. And this is from an otherwise worldly , open minded person. He has several gay colleagues, acquaintances and a couple friends that he respects and likes very much. So it is a little weird. But again, we have a conservative religious background so it may stem from that.

Dresses very well and cares about his appearance

Has lots of guy friends. All happily married (most if the wives are my friends). But they do guy things together—sporting events, hikes. Lots of one-on-one stuff. He really seems like he’s happiest when he’s around his guy friends. I do know all of them, honestly. I do not suspect anything is going on, but he does seem overly happy when he’s with some of these friends.

He recently became friends with a younger man (15 year difference) who came to him for mentorship. Now, my husband had been very open about this person and has invited him to our home and even asked this person to help our kids with their sports, etc. He has invited me to join them several times. They are friends and there had been nothing secretive as far as I know. But it strikes me as weird. They work together but do seem to work together more than he does with other colleagues/ Why is he befriending a single guy that is so much younger than him and in a different phase of life? . This man does not strike me as gay, but I am not a good judge. He is very attractive—but also a great guy overall so if there was no age difference I may not question the friendship.

Husband has never seemed to look at another woman in the 20 years we’ve been married. I honestly thought that this was just because he loved/respected me and was just an amazing guy. But is that weird also?

He does not watch homosexual porn, or any porn for that matter. He’s working from home. His devices are all accessible, I know his passwords. He’s an open book as far as I know.

I am not concerned about any straight affairs.

Am I being crazy? I am not looking to blow up my otherwise amazing relationship. If I brought up my concerns, he would (understandably) not take it well, it would change the dynamics of our marriage, embarrass him and forever change our marriage.
Alternatively, if it’s true, and he admits it, it would also ruin our future, which I can’t fathom. Especially for my kids. Even if it did come out as true, with ur religious background, my husband may be willing to live the lie forever. And perhaps I would too. It’s too painful to think about.

Not sure what to do, but the gnawing thought that my husband is gay will not go away. Could I be imagining everything though and reading more into things?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.
Thanks everyone for weighing in. I appreciate all the thoughtful responses, even though I am even more confused than ever. The reason this all came to top of mind (even though I have had uneasy thoughts before mainly due to his low libido) was bc a couple of close friends commented to me in conversation yesterday that they thought it was weird that my husband was friends with this much younger guy. It got me thinking and going down the rabbit hole again.....

More than anything, I want to believe that I am just paranoid/crazy and that this is all in my head (thank you to the posters who think I'm nuts--I hope you're right!). My husband truly it such a great person that it is very possible he has just taken this young man under his wing to teach him the business.

I don't want to create trouble in my otherwise happy life, but I also don't want to have my head in the sand and be completely blindsided if he decides to leave and explore a different lifestyle in 5-10-20 years? A close friend of mine recently was blindsided by her husband's affair (hetero) and it has turned her/her family's life into a nightmare (divorce, etc.) She had no clue that anything was wrong and is now so lost. Her kids are devastated. In hindsight, she can recall red flags.

I love my husband. I want us to be together forever. I want to keep my family together. I would be so devastated, hurt, super angry if he came out. But I can't control that, can I? If he's gay, do I want to live the next 40 years with someone who is only with me for appearance/convenience and would rather be with a man? What would you all do? Better to just suck it up and be grateful?

For the previous poster who mentioned notion of what "masculinity" looks like and what constitutes "gay" behaviors--I honestly googled "signs that your husband might be gay" and went through the checklist. That's why I included the reasons that I did in my OP.

Our sex life is not great, but I'd rather live with a mediocre sex life forever than find out my entire relationship/marriage was a lie. I plan to grow old and die with him.

I am having trouble functioning at work today; I have such a pit in my stomach. I just want to cry.

Per your first post:

We are best friends
have fun together
He’s very affectionate overall (lots of hugs/kisses but not passionate)
incredibly considerate of me in every aspect of my life
likes to do stuff with me
I love him so much.

Your entire marriage/relationship is not a lie. Even if it turns out that he’s sexually attracted to men (which you don’t know is the case), you don’t treat someone like this 20 years into marriage if you don’t love them. What you have is beautiful and real even if you’re not sexually compatible. Many, many women with straight husbands don’t have nearly as happy a marriage as you have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.
Thanks everyone for weighing in. I appreciate all the thoughtful responses, even though I am even more confused than ever. The reason this all came to top of mind (even though I have had uneasy thoughts before mainly due to his low libido) was bc a couple of close friends commented to me in conversation yesterday that they thought it was weird that my husband was friends with this much younger guy. It got me thinking and going down the rabbit hole again.....

More than anything, I want to believe that I am just paranoid/crazy and that this is all in my head (thank you to the posters who think I'm nuts--I hope you're right!). My husband truly it such a great person that it is very possible he has just taken this young man under his wing to teach him the business.

I don't want to create trouble in my otherwise happy life, but I also don't want to have my head in the sand and be completely blindsided if he decides to leave and explore a different lifestyle in 5-10-20 years? A close friend of mine recently was blindsided by her husband's affair (hetero) and it has turned her/her family's life into a nightmare (divorce, etc.) She had no clue that anything was wrong and is now so lost. Her kids are devastated. In hindsight, she can recall red flags.

I love my husband. I want us to be together forever. I want to keep my family together. I would be so devastated, hurt, super angry if he came out. But I can't control that, can I? If he's gay, do I want to live the next 40 years with someone who is only with me for appearance/convenience and would rather be with a man? What would you all do? Better to just suck it up and be grateful?

For the previous poster who mentioned notion of what "masculinity" looks like and what constitutes "gay" behaviors--I honestly googled "signs that your husband might be gay" and went through the checklist. That's why I included the reasons that I did in my OP.

Our sex life is not great, but I'd rather live with a mediocre sex life forever than find out my entire relationship/marriage was a lie. I plan to grow old and die with him.

I am having trouble functioning at work today; I have such a pit in my stomach. I just want to cry.

Per your first post:

We are best friends
have fun together
He’s very affectionate overall (lots of hugs/kisses but not passionate)
incredibly considerate of me in every aspect of my life
likes to do stuff with me
I love him so much.

Your entire marriage/relationship is not a lie. Even if it turns out that he’s sexually attracted to men (which you don’t know is the case), you don’t treat someone like this 20 years into marriage if you don’t love them. What you have is beautiful and real even if you’re not sexually compatible. Many, many women with straight husbands don’t have nearly as happy a marriage as you have.

Toxic positivity.

He could be cheating on her. Are you one of those ACOD who think couples should stay together unless someone’s life is in danger?

[Anonymous]

OP do you think you’ll co front him or try to learn more about the young male companion? Let us know and goodluck that you are both honest with each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am still shocked when people complain about sex once a week being married. That is not bad in a long relationship. I has an almost completely sexless marriage (I am talking no sex for almost the entire duration of the marriage, which was not short).

I don't see red flags here. I see possibly a mismatched libido, but overall, it seems pretty good to me. (divorced after a truly sexless marriage and no normal relationship of any kind withing the marriage.)

You are focused on the frequency and missing the quality/interest part. It seems as if he is doing his minimal duty once a week to keep up the facade. The fact that is is so regular like that, yet not enjoyed, is a part of the red flag.

It could also be that he has extreme hangups about sex because of his religiously conservative background.

[Anonymous]

And I agree that his close friendship with this younger guy is unusual. It's exactly the kind of "bridge too far" that two closeted guys think they can get away with but which raises the suspicions of everyone around them.

The reason this all came to top of mind (even though I have had uneasy thoughts before mainly due to his low libido) was bc a couple of close friends commented to me in conversation yesterday that they thought it was weird that my husband was friends with this much younger guy. It got me thinking and going down the rabbit hole again.....

Yup. And think how strongly people must wonder for them to actually SAY something. They are trying to warn you.

[Anonymous]

If he was gay, he wouldn’t be having weekly foreplay followed by PIV with you.

If he’s not great in bed, there are instructional DVDs, books, and even specialized sex-therapists to improve / broaden his bedroom repertoire and spice things up between you.

[Anonymous]

OP, tell your husband you’ve been fantasizing about pegging him and see how he responds. Seriously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he was gay, he wouldn’t be having weekly foreplay followed by PIV with you.

Absolutely not true.

[Anonymous]

He might be gay if...
If he shaves his butt hole.
Anything you do doesn't turn him on at all.
He doesn't even acknowledge sexiest girls.
He’s a Homophobe.
He’s a friend of Dorothy. (A code phrase gay people used to identify each other.)