Is my husband gay or am I crazy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are having more sex than most people married that long. It sounds like passion or excitement is missing from your relationship, maybe it was never there.

Also him hanging out a lot with guys is actually typical of a guy's guy.

+1

[Anonymous]

To me this is a classic case of why people should have sex and find out if they are compatible before marriage. I get the religious aspect, I just think it's asking for a lot of problems down the road if not right off the bat. My personal belief is that if a guy is willing to wait until marriage, especially if the engagement is months or years, then that's a huge red flag as to what's going on with his sexuality. If someone wants to take the chance that the guy is either gay, low T, or into something unsavory and is wrestling with that issue, I guess that's up to them but don't be surprised at the outcome.

OP I know this does not help you now but just wanted to throw it out there. I hope you can figure out what is the best thing for you and your family going forward.

[Anonymous]

Here's a way to find out: At one of those times when you're having sex, whisper in his ear that one of your fantasies is to watch him suck a D. His reaction will give you all the confirmation you need.

[Anonymous]

I think real test is you two doing it on night after DH went out with young hot male friend. If he is finished as fast as usual, probably nothing going on. if takes lot longer, then I'd be worried

[Anonymous]

Your post is odd.

I don't think anything your described is "gay."

People are all somewhere on a spectrum of femininity/masculinity.

If you are worried that he is losing interest in you/your marriage, get counselling.

You seem to be looking for problems.

[Anonymous]

As someone who is gay, nothing screams GAY to me. Sounds like he was raised in a sexually repressive environment and still has discomfort around sex.

[Anonymous]

Man here, he's not typical from a sexual standpoint. Most men want sex far more than once a week. I don't know you can be so sure he doesn't watch porn - private browsing can hide stuff. Some minor red flags but if could be sexual repression from religion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Man here, he's not typical from a sexual standpoint. Most men want sex far more than once a week. I don't know you can be so sure he doesn't watch porn - private browsing can hide stuff. Some minor red flags but if could be sexual repression from religion.

NP.

OP, beware when anyone says "most men want" or "most women want" about anything. Including sex. People will come here to post "but all the men I know want sex much more often than/less often than (whatever)" but that's still only a sampling of one stranger's friend group....

Surprised no one here yet (that I've seen) has suggested he might have low testosterone. He might need to be tested.

Also: Have you talked to him in a frank way about what you want from sex? Told him you want to...have it more often, try new positions, go away from the kids and have a weekend alone as a couple etc.? Talked about acts you want to try on him? You and he need to talk about your sex life, OP. Don't expect him to read your mind.

OP, I also would add--and I mean this kindly--you might sit down and think about your own ideas of what masculinity is "supposed" to look like. I read in your OP some images of what you might consider gay...attitudes? Hobbies? Behaviors? Whatever. I'm feeling a tone of "hetero men don't do this" as if maybe your upbringing or assumptions have created a particular set of things you assume telegraph "gay," when they could mean that or not. In other words, do you have (whether you realize it or not) a mental list of things you were always told or always assumed = gay? Please understand -- I am NOT calling you homophobic. I'm saying that one can be totally against homophobia, in favor of gay rights, love friends of every sexuality -- but still make assumptions about whether a person is or isn't gay. Could that be at work here? Something to consider.

[Anonymous]

My MIL has been in a long term relationship with a man who just recently came out as gay. It was a total surprise to us, but he says he has known/suspected for decades, even though he had a long marriage to a woman before MIL. The downside is that now that they are well into their retirement years and she is starting to have health issues, he is leaving her to explore his sexuality. He feels like it's his last chance. But meanwhile it's hugely upsetting and disruptive to her, and they have to sell the home they've lived in together for decades and she has to manage a move, etc. I share this as a cautionary tale that if you think he might be gay, maybe better to find out now than later.

[Anonymous]

Where there is smoke there is fire. Trust your instincts. But the question is, unless he is acting on it, do you really care?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your post is odd.

I don't think anything your described is "gay."

People are all somewhere on a spectrum of femininity/masculinity.

If you are worried that he is losing interest in you/your marriage, get counselling.

You seem to be looking for problems.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Man here, he's not typical from a sexual standpoint. Most men want sex far more than once a week. I don't know you can be so sure he doesn't watch porn - private browsing can hide stuff. Some minor red flags but if could be sexual repression from religion.

NP.

OP, beware when anyone says "most men want" or "most women want" about anything. Including sex. People will come here to post "but all the men I know want sex much more often than/less often than (whatever)" but that's still only a sampling of one stranger's friend group....

Surprised no one here yet (that I've seen) has suggested he might have low testosterone. He might need to be tested.

Also: Have you talked to him in a frank way about what you want from sex? Told him you want to...have it more often, try new positions, go away from the kids and have a weekend alone as a couple etc.? Talked about acts you want to try on him? You and he need to talk about your sex life, OP. Don't expect him to read your mind.

OP, I also would add--and I mean this kindly--you might sit down and think about your own ideas of what masculinity is "supposed" to look like. I read in your OP some images of what you might consider gay...attitudes? Hobbies? Behaviors? Whatever. I'm feeling a tone of "hetero men don't do this" as if maybe your upbringing or assumptions have created a particular set of things you assume telegraph "gay," when they could mean that or not. In other words, do you have (whether you realize it or not) a mental list of things you were always told or always assumed = gay? Please understand -- I am NOT calling you homophobic. I'm saying that one can be totally against homophobia, in favor of gay rights, love friends of every sexuality -- but still make assumptions about whether a person is or isn't gay. Could that be at work here? Something to consider.

I would be shocked if he had low-T. Once a week is pretty normal in a long relationship. My experience with low-T was no sex for months, then years. Weekly is normal. It sounds like they have mismatched libidos. That is it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some people just have low sex drive, I see it even in 20 year olds.

I’m curious how you “see” this. Are you a cougar?

[Anonymous]

OP here.
Thanks everyone for weighing in. I appreciate all the thoughtful responses, even though I am even more confused than ever. The reason this all came to top of mind (even though I have had uneasy thoughts before mainly due to his low libido) was bc a couple of close friends commented to me in conversation yesterday that they thought it was weird that my husband was friends with this much younger guy. It got me thinking and going down the rabbit hole again.....

More than anything, I want to believe that I am just paranoid/crazy and that this is all in my head (thank you to the posters who think I'm nuts--I hope you're right!). My husband truly it such a great person that it is very possible he has just taken this young man under his wing to teach him the business.

I don't want to create trouble in my otherwise happy life, but I also don't want to have my head in the sand and be completely blindsided if he decides to leave and explore a different lifestyle in 5-10-20 years? A close friend of mine recently was blindsided by her husband's affair (hetero) and it has turned her/her family's life into a nightmare (divorce, etc.) She had no clue that anything was wrong and is now so lost. Her kids are devastated. In hindsight, she can recall red flags.

I love my husband. I want us to be together forever. I want to keep my family together. I would be so devastated, hurt, super angry if he came out. But I can't control that, can I? If he's gay, do I want to live the next 40 years with someone who is only with me for appearance/convenience and would rather be with a man? What would you all do? Better to just suck it up and be grateful?

For the previous poster who mentioned notion of what "masculinity" looks like and what constitutes "gay" behaviors--I honestly googled "signs that your husband might be gay" and went through the checklist. That's why I included the reasons that I did in my OP.

Our sex life is not great, but I'd rather live with a mediocre sex life forever than find out my entire relationship/marriage was a lie. I plan to grow old and die with him.

I am having trouble functioning at work today; I have such a pit in my stomach. I just want to cry.

[Anonymous]

I’d be more concerned about how your husband has some backwards views about women/homophobia. Men can’t cook? Yikes. I wouldn’t want my kids adopting views like that.