Parents with no friends or family around, how did you survive the first month on barely any sleep?

[Anonymous]

I was a horrible bad very bad no good mother and I coslept

I am also the queen of freezer meals.

[Anonymous]

Hire help and ask friends for help. We were in a similar situation and I was extra busted up bc of a long labor that ended in a c section so my H had to take care of me and do his baby shifts. Friends reached out and many brought meals such that we didn’t have to cook or worry about take out for close to 5 weeks. I also had a good friend come a few times for a couple hours and just hold him so I could nap/shower/refresh myself while H was working. H had to be flexible too though, which luckily he was able to do with his job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your baby should be sleeping most of the day. You should be resting or napping during this time.

Mine hardly ever slept more than 45 min, and never reliably to the point it made sense to try to sleep with him. Many many many cups of cold coffee in those days.

Yep, I’ve had one of each. First baby cat-napped and struggled to go more than 2 hours in between feedings overnight until she was probably closer to three months old. I got so upset with everyone telling me newborns should sleep all the time, and I should have no trouble napping. That was NOT our reality, no matter what we tried. She is 5 now and has always been on the low end of sleep needs.
Second baby slept like a dream from day 1. She was such a good sleeper that I actually took her to the pediatrician in between regular checkups, convinced that there was something wrong with her. Turns out, she was a normal newborn who liked to sleep. Our pediatrician was familiar with our struggles with our older DD and remarked that we had gotten lucky to get the tough baby over with first!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your baby should be sleeping most of the day. You should be resting or napping during this time.

Mine hardly ever slept more than 45 min, and never reliably to the point it made sense to try to sleep with him. Many many many cups of cold coffee in those days.

Yep, I’ve had one of each. First baby cat-napped and struggled to go more than 2 hours in between feedings overnight until she was probably closer to three months old. I got so upset with everyone telling me newborns should sleep all the time, and I should have no trouble napping. That was NOT our reality, no matter what we tried. She is 5 now and has always been on the low end of sleep needs.
Second baby slept like a dream from day 1. She was such a good sleeper that I actually took her to the pediatrician in between regular checkups, convinced that there was something wrong with her. Turns out, she was a normal newborn who liked to sleep. Our pediatrician was familiar with our struggles with our older DD and remarked that we had gotten lucky to get the tough baby over with first!

I learned not to complain to people because they literally did not understand what I was saying. Neighbor quizzically looking at me while I'm out with my kid the same age as his who's having a 3 hour after lunch nap. I went 2 years having watched less than half a dozen rated R movies because this kid was up till 10 or 11pm. I am not exaggerating.

The other one that triggers me is "Let the housework go". Ok, that's great, but what about the garbage can disappearing under a mountain of garbage, no clean spoons in the house, no clean laundry?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You hire help.

But also, with your first baby it's much easier to find pockets of time to rest. Mine would do a 5/6am feeding, and then still go back to sleep, so I would too. Sometimes she'd sleep until 8/9am after that, so I often wasn't getting up for the day until then. It was still only in 90 minute to 3 hour chunks here or there, but we muddled through.

If you really feel like you need solid sleep, you have your DH take over for a night time feed. There is no reason you should be tasked with only sleeping in 90 minute chunks while he gets 6-8 solid hours. He will do just fine with 3-4 hour chunks as well. Every single woman who goes back to work at 12 weeks goes back to work doing that.

Not true. My daughter was sleeping from 9-6 at 9 weeks.

[Anonymous]

You need at least one 4-hour stretch of uninterrupted sleep to stay sane, so prioritize that. I had a small baby who needed to eat every 2 hours to gain weight, so dh had to do an overnight bottle. That can be pumped or formula. I would sleep 9pm-1am with dh giving a bottle of expressed milk at 11pm.

The other thing is that you stay in bed for 12-14 hours to get your catnaps to add up to a night of sleep. Good luck! You’re almost past the worst of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your baby should be sleeping most of the day. You should be resting or napping during this time.

Mine hardly ever slept more than 45 min, and never reliably to the point it made sense to try to sleep with him. Many many many cups of cold coffee in those days.

Yep, I’ve had one of each. First baby cat-napped and struggled to go more than 2 hours in between feedings overnight until she was probably closer to three months old. I got so upset with everyone telling me newborns should sleep all the time, and I should have no trouble napping. That was NOT our reality, no matter what we tried. She is 5 now and has always been on the low end of sleep needs.
Second baby slept like a dream from day 1. She was such a good sleeper that I actually took her to the pediatrician in between regular checkups, convinced that there was something wrong with her. Turns out, she was a normal newborn who liked to sleep. Our pediatrician was familiar with our struggles with our older DD and remarked that we had gotten lucky to get the tough baby over with first!

I learned not to complain to people because they literally did not understand what I was saying. Neighbor quizzically looking at me while I'm out with my kid the same age as his who's having a 3 hour after lunch nap. I went 2 years having watched less than half a dozen rated R movies because this kid was up till 10 or 11pm. I am not exaggerating.

The other one that triggers me is "Let the housework go". Ok, that's great, but what about the garbage can disappearing under a mountain of garbage, no clean spoons in the house, no clean laundry?

You can define what's the minimum housework that needs to be done. Agree with DH which he will do - garbage he is capable of managing I hope. Rest - load washer/dryer with baby strapped to you in a baby carrier, or put him in a pack and play when he is fed and content and load/unload dishwasher. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. You can combine childcare and some minimal tasks. Same about movies - you're not alone or unique, it's exhausting and intense but it lasts only a couple of years. Not everyone relates or understands, and that's OK too.

To answer OP's original question: I was getting red bull by 40 pack pallets from costco, and eating frozen meals (DH made or bought) for the first 5-6 months. We used formula from day 1 and that helped too - we could alternate and I could drink all that redbull to be functional.

[Anonymous]

I was in that situation as we had our first baby in August 2020 and my husband and I did not have any help at all until I started work when the baby was 5 months old. So one of us were non-stop with the baby. We did not get to see parents due to the pandemic.

My husband went back to work after 1 week so I took all of the night wakes until the baby started STTN around 3 months. It seemed fair to me that I do that b/c he was working and I was not - btw, since I went back to work, he takes care of the baby more b/c I work 12+ hour days whereas he works 9-10 hrs so I am NOT proposing gender inequality. To the contrary. But to me that seemed like the optimal thing to do. He is also less disciplined than I am so I was afraid he would just take the easy way out and rock the baby to sleep instead of helping the baby learn to sleep independently.

Figured, I'm on leave anyway, I don't need to deliver at work, so I can have a hard time now, but have a well-sleeping baby when I go back to work so let me set the right foundation, even if easier for me to just take the baby into my bed to help him and I fall asleep.

What I suggest you do: 1) feed the baby during the day enough such that he does not need to wake up every hour. Ours would wake up every 2-3 hours when he was a newborn, but every 1 hour all the time might be more of a sleep association problem not necessarily a need to eat; 2) teach the baby to learn how to fall asleep independnetly. Easier if you do it early on. The baby will fuss for 2-5 mins and you may have to go shush him, but you set the right foundation. It suck for 2-3 weeks b/c it actually requires more effort from you so you get even less sleep but after that, he starts waking up when he really has a problem, as opposed to him not being able to connect sleep cycles. Then you get to a much more manageable 2-3 X / night.

Go to bed at 8 so that you can get in 5-6 hours of sleep (interrupted) but 6 hours is still decent.

[Anonymous]

The other tip that I got from a mom of a big family, is when evaluating housework/chores, think about what multiplies if you ignore it, and what stays the same.

So - cleaning a floor or a bathroom is a pretty similar amount of work whether it's daily, weekly, monthly, or quarterly. So, ignore those chores for now. You'll get to it when you get to it.

Laundry multiplies. That's worth staying on top of. But if you don't fold clothes, they'll just get worn anyway cause you'll be desperate. So skip folding, dress out of bins of clean laundry for now.

[Anonymous]

I didn’t have help with either baby and returned to work at 6 weeks. I didn’t let things go either. I just did it. Same with most of my friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was a horrible bad very bad no good mother and I coslept

I am also the queen of freezer meals.

People who cosleep universally pretend it’s the easiest way and the rest of us won’t do it out of fear. I can’t imagine cosleeping. I barely like sleeping with my husband. I love blankets. I do not WANT to cosleep. Why don’t you just say it worked for you and not try to be cute.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The other tip that I got from a mom of a big family, is when evaluating housework/chores, think about what multiplies if you ignore it, and what stays the same.

So - cleaning a floor or a bathroom is a pretty similar amount of work whether it's daily, weekly, monthly, or quarterly. So, ignore those chores for now. You'll get to it when you get to it.

Laundry multiplies. That's worth staying on top of. But if you don't fold clothes, they'll just get worn anyway cause you'll be desperate. So skip folding, dress out of bins of clean laundry for now.

This is a great tip.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The other tip that I got from a mom of a big family, is when evaluating housework/chores, think about what multiplies if you ignore it, and what stays the same.

So - cleaning a floor or a bathroom is a pretty similar amount of work whether it's daily, weekly, monthly, or quarterly. So, ignore those chores for now. You'll get to it when you get to it.

Laundry multiplies. That's worth staying on top of. But if you don't fold clothes, they'll just get worn anyway cause you'll be desperate. So skip folding, dress out of bins of clean laundry for now.

This is a great tip.

Except I would fold the laundry because otherwise I wouldn’t know where things were, and because you can fold the laundry with the baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was a horrible bad very bad no good mother and I coslept

I am also the queen of freezer meals.

People who cosleep universally pretend it’s the easiest way and the rest of us won’t do it out of fear. I can’t imagine cosleeping. I barely like sleeping with my husband. I love blankets. I do not WANT to cosleep. Why don’t you just say it worked for you and not try to be cute.

Why don't you take a SSRI and stop trying to language police people on the internet?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree with DH which he will do - garbage he is capable of managing I hope. Rest - load washer/dryer with baby strapped to you in a baby carrier, or put him in a pack and play when he is fed and content and load/unload dishwasher. It doesn't have to be all or nothing.

My husband took a call for an interview while I was in labor and started changing jobs the next week, so he literally took like 3 days off and was working 2 jobs at the same time for a while. I remember him coming home and scolding me that the garbages hadn't been emptied. Here's the thing 1) my baby didn't sleep and insisted on being held 2) he had a shitty latch and he took 45min to BF for a long time 3) I had bad baby blues or post partum depression and my energy levels were shit (I killed every house plant because I couldn't remember to water them). We should have hired help (and I asked multiple times). DH has heard me complain about it enough times now if we're in this situation again he will probably hire someone.

I have tons of resentment toward the Boomers in my family for not helping because they're busy with second families.

So OP it's ok to struggle and feel sorry for yourself and if you feel like its a mess it probably is, and as long as nobody goes to the emergency room, you had a good enough day!