Parents with no friends or family around, how did you survive the first month on barely any sleep?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree with DH which he will do - garbage he is capable of managing I hope. Rest - load washer/dryer with baby strapped to you in a baby carrier, or put him in a pack and play when he is fed and content and load/unload dishwasher. It doesn't have to be all or nothing.

My husband took a call for an interview while I was in labor and started changing jobs the next week, so he literally took like 3 days off and was working 2 jobs at the same time for a while. I remember him coming home and scolding me that the garbages hadn't been emptied. Here's the thing 1) my baby didn't sleep and insisted on being held 2) he had a shitty latch and he took 45min to BF for a long time 3) I had bad baby blues or post partum depression and my energy levels were shit (I killed every house plant because I couldn't remember to water them). We should have hired help (and I asked multiple times). DH has heard me complain about it enough times now if we're in this situation again he will probably hire someone.

I have tons of resentment toward the Boomers in my family for not helping because they're busy with second families.

So OP it's ok to struggle and feel sorry for yourself and if you feel like its a mess it probably is, and as long as nobody goes to the emergency room, you had a good enough day!

Even if they aren't busy with second families, they aren't helpful the way other generations were.

In retrospect, my grandparents helped so much with us kids (and their parents helped them). My own parents with their grandchildren? LOL, no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree with DH which he will do - garbage he is capable of managing I hope. Rest - load washer/dryer with baby strapped to you in a baby carrier, or put him in a pack and play when he is fed and content and load/unload dishwasher. It doesn't have to be all or nothing.

My husband took a call for an interview while I was in labor and started changing jobs the next week, so he literally took like 3 days off and was working 2 jobs at the same time for a while. I remember him coming home and scolding me that the garbages hadn't been emptied. Here's the thing 1) my baby didn't sleep and insisted on being held 2) he had a shitty latch and he took 45min to BF for a long time 3) I had bad baby blues or post partum depression and my energy levels were shit (I killed every house plant because I couldn't remember to water them). We should have hired help (and I asked multiple times). DH has heard me complain about it enough times now if we're in this situation again he will probably hire someone.

I have tons of resentment toward the Boomers in my family for not helping because they're busy with second families.

So OP it's ok to struggle and feel sorry for yourself and if you feel like its a mess it probably is, and as long as nobody goes to the emergency room, you had a good enough day!

Even if they aren't busy with second families, they aren't helpful the way other generations were.

In retrospect, my grandparents helped so much with us kids (and their parents helped them). My own parents with their grandchildren? LOL, no.

Yeah. Pre-covid, we had occasional help in the form of once a month date-night babysitting provided by my local parents for my now 5yo DD. Completely voluntary on their part. We never ask, specifically because I didn’t want to be the type who depended on family. Nothing since covid, of course...plus now we have added a new baby within the last year. I have to just laugh when my mom talks about the struggle of raising children. I was an only child who, by her own admission, was a very easy kid. They had TONS of local family help - grandparents and 2 aunts were nearby, and I was always at someone else’s house every weekend, until I was nearly a teenager. She has no idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you nursing? Give them as much milk as possible, particularly hind milk. bigger babies sleep better.

Ohhh ha! I wish
All babies sleep differently, my 9lb EBF woke up every 2 hours at night until well past 6 months.

OP, During the week you suck it up as much as possible (and let stuff slide, laundry, dishes, cooking, clean bathrooms) and on the weekends DH does the early morning wake-up feed so you get 3+ hours of uninterrupted sleep where you aren't preoccupied with taking care of a baby. And you try to remember that it all will pass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you nursing? Give them as much milk as possible, particularly hind milk. bigger babies sleep better.

Ohhh ha! I wish
All babies sleep differently, my 9lb EBF woke up every 2 hours at night until well past 6 months.

OP, During the week you suck it up as much as possible (and let stuff slide, laundry, dishes, cooking, clean bathrooms) and on the weekends DH does the early morning wake-up feed so you get 3+ hours of uninterrupted sleep where you aren't preoccupied with taking care of a baby. And you try to remember that it all will pass.

How were you able to function at work if the baby woke up every 2 hours?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I had an easy baby who slept a lot and I still had a lot of trouble. Hormones and pain can make it really hard to fall asleep. You can’t flip a switch when the baby nods off. I used to hallucinate hearing crying while I was in the shower. I had horrible, horrible nightmares about the baby in accidents or being murdered.
OP, it’s crucial that your husband do one full shift - baby to sleep, wake with baby, feed, diaper and back to sleep. I recommend it’s after the evening cluster feed. So you can tell your brain that you are not listening to the baby. Put in foam ear plugs.

Yes. The PPs who are saying DH's sleep needs to be prioritized may or may not be right (depends on the job), but the mom needs to be able to function. Taking a ~3 hour baby shift each day is totally reasonable for most people with jobs. I know when I was tired enough, I could sleep just fine knowing baby was in DH's care. I did use ear plugs, eye mask, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I had an easy baby who slept a lot and I still had a lot of trouble. Hormones and pain can make it really hard to fall asleep. You can’t flip a switch when the baby nods off. I used to hallucinate hearing crying while I was in the shower. I had horrible, horrible nightmares about the baby in accidents or being murdered.
OP, it’s crucial that your husband do one full shift - baby to sleep, wake with baby, feed, diaper and back to sleep. I recommend it’s after the evening cluster feed. So you can tell your brain that you are not listening to the baby. Put in foam ear plugs.

Yes. The PPs who are saying DH's sleep needs to be prioritized may or may not be right (depends on the job), but the mom needs to be able to function. Taking a ~3 hour baby shift each day is totally reasonable for most people with jobs. I know when I was tired enough, I could sleep just fine knowing baby was in DH's care. I did use ear plugs, eye mask, etc.

I would go to bed at 9pm and DH had to watch and feed the baby pumped milk at least until midnight. He would just sleep on a mattress in the baby's room during that time. That was the only time that I could relax and go to sleep, and had the bedroom all to myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you nursing? Give them as much milk as possible, particularly hind milk. bigger babies sleep better.

Ohhh ha! I wish
All babies sleep differently, my 9lb EBF woke up every 2 hours at night until well past 6 months.

OP, During the week you suck it up as much as possible (and let stuff slide, laundry, dishes, cooking, clean bathrooms) and on the weekends DH does the early morning wake-up feed so you get 3+ hours of uninterrupted sleep where you aren't preoccupied with taking care of a baby. And you try to remember that it all will pass.

How were you able to function at work if the baby woke up every 2 hours?

You don’t. But you will most likely all live through it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need at least one 4-hour stretch of uninterrupted sleep to stay sane, so prioritize that. I had a small baby who needed to eat every 2 hours to gain weight, so dh had to do an overnight bottle. That can be pumped or formula. I would sleep 9pm-1am with dh giving a bottle of expressed milk at 11pm.

The other thing is that you stay in bed for 12-14 hours to get your catnaps to add up to a night of sleep. Good luck! You’re almost past the worst of it.

This. Due to low birth weight, we had to feed every 2 hours round the clock for several weeks, then extended to 3 hours over night. I had to continually poke baby to keep him awake, change her diaper mid-feed, and it took at least 30 minutes if not 45. I do not really remember that first month. This was pre-COVID and my mom did come briefly, but lives too far away. I would pump a bottle for my husband to give baby as the first feed of the "morning". We defined that as starting at 4 am. I'm a night person, he's a morning person (although time lost meaning a bit). I always got a good block sleep from 3 something until 6 something, even with 2 hour feeds... then extending longer as her sleep extended at night. I did use a bassinet, but nearly always got up and fed in the nursery due to the diaper change/poking/not wanting to fall asleep myself.

My husband was able to take a lot of leave, so that helped for daytime naps for me. Your husband is back at work, but needs to do a "second shift" in the evening and/or early morning to help you out.

Hire whatever you can out (cooking, cleaning in non-COVID times). Use paper plates if dishes are piling up (just during this phase). Lower household standards a touch, but people are right that you can't just do nothing.

I disagree. Your husband is working. He needs more sleep than you right now. Maybe he should take 1 weekend shift but in general you should be the one taking care of the baby b/c you don't need to be well-rested to deliver the next day at work. Signed, career woman with husband who does more childcare than she does.

I don't know about this. When my first DD was a newborn, I was so exhausted that I was really concerned about being able to properly care for her on my own. It can get so bad that it is a safety risk. If you have a baby that naps well, then sure. But that isn't necessarily the case. Plus the exhaustion led to bad PPD and PPA, and that caused a whole host of issues. Unless her DH is a surgeon or a firefighter or pilot or something, you really think he needs rest more than she does, and it doesn't matter how tired she gets?
Signed, career woman with a DH who was 50/50 on nighttime care.

+1 its ridiculous to argue that the DH working a desk job is more in need of/deserving of sleep than the wife caring for a newborn throughout the day (which by the way is also a full time job) and simultaneously recovering from child birth. -signed a non-misogynist

+1 it’s also telling that we think “desk job” is a better use of a rested adult than a child for the extremely period of infancy. Yeah you can mess up a tps report at work but that will have infinitely lesser consequences than falling asleep driving the baby to their doctors appointment.—signed a parent

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need at least one 4-hour stretch of uninterrupted sleep to stay sane, so prioritize that. I had a small baby who needed to eat every 2 hours to gain weight, so dh had to do an overnight bottle. That can be pumped or formula. I would sleep 9pm-1am with dh giving a bottle of expressed milk at 11pm.

The other thing is that you stay in bed for 12-14 hours to get your catnaps to add up to a night of sleep. Good luck! You’re almost past the worst of it.

This. Due to low birth weight, we had to feed every 2 hours round the clock for several weeks, then extended to 3 hours over night. I had to continually poke baby to keep him awake, change her diaper mid-feed, and it took at least 30 minutes if not 45. I do not really remember that first month. This was pre-COVID and my mom did come briefly, but lives too far away. I would pump a bottle for my husband to give baby as the first feed of the "morning". We defined that as starting at 4 am. I'm a night person, he's a morning person (although time lost meaning a bit). I always got a good block sleep from 3 something until 6 something, even with 2 hour feeds... then extending longer as her sleep extended at night. I did use a bassinet, but nearly always got up and fed in the nursery due to the diaper change/poking/not wanting to fall asleep myself.

My husband was able to take a lot of leave, so that helped for daytime naps for me. Your husband is back at work, but needs to do a "second shift" in the evening and/or early morning to help you out.

Hire whatever you can out (cooking, cleaning in non-COVID times). Use paper plates if dishes are piling up (just during this phase). Lower household standards a touch, but people are right that you can't just do nothing.

I disagree. Your husband is working. He needs more sleep than you right now. Maybe he should take 1 weekend shift but in general you should be the one taking care of the baby b/c you don't need to be well-rested to deliver the next day at work. Signed, career woman with husband who does more childcare than she does.

I don't know about this. When my first DD was a newborn, I was so exhausted that I was really concerned about being able to properly care for her on my own. It can get so bad that it is a safety risk. If you have a baby that naps well, then sure. But that isn't necessarily the case. Plus the exhaustion led to bad PPD and PPA, and that caused a whole host of issues. Unless her DH is a surgeon or a firefighter or pilot or something, you really think he needs rest more than she does, and it doesn't matter how tired she gets?
Signed, career woman with a DH who was 50/50 on nighttime care.

+1 its ridiculous to argue that the DH working a desk job is more in need of/deserving of sleep than the wife caring for a newborn throughout the day (which by the way is also a full time job) and simultaneously recovering from child birth. -signed a non-misogynist

+1 it’s also telling that we think “desk job” is a better use of a rested adult than a child for the extremely period of infancy. Yeah you can mess up a tps report at work but that will have infinitely lesser consequences than falling asleep driving the baby to their doctors appointment.—signed a parent

+1000
DH needs to step up. 100% on the mother is ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you nursing? Give them as much milk as possible, particularly hind milk. bigger babies sleep better.

Ohhh ha! I wish
All babies sleep differently, my 9lb EBF woke up every 2 hours at night until well past 6 months.

OP, During the week you suck it up as much as possible (and let stuff slide, laundry, dishes, cooking, clean bathrooms) and on the weekends DH does the early morning wake-up feed so you get 3+ hours of uninterrupted sleep where you aren't preoccupied with taking care of a baby. And you try to remember that it all will pass.

How were you able to function at work if the baby woke up every 2 hours?

IDK, you just do. I was/am tired all the time but perfectly functional.

[Anonymous]

It makes me sad because like most people on this board, I have never had any help from family. Only help that I purchase.

On the whole, I have mostly hated motherhood. I love my children dearly of course.

But I wonder if I maybe would have enjoyed my babies a little bit if I had had some help. I’ll never know. But it’s hard to enjoy it when it’s so relentless.

So, it’s ok if you hate it. The sleep will get better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree with DH which he will do - garbage he is capable of managing I hope. Rest - load washer/dryer with baby strapped to you in a baby carrier, or put him in a pack and play when he is fed and content and load/unload dishwasher. It doesn't have to be all or nothing.

My husband took a call for an interview while I was in labor and started changing jobs the next week, so he literally took like 3 days off and was working 2 jobs at the same time for a while. I remember him coming home and scolding me that the garbages hadn't been emptied. Here's the thing 1) my baby didn't sleep and insisted on being held 2) he had a shitty latch and he took 45min to BF for a long time 3) I had bad baby blues or post partum depression and my energy levels were shit (I killed every house plant because I couldn't remember to water them). We should have hired help (and I asked multiple times). DH has heard me complain about it enough times now if we're in this situation again he will probably hire someone.

I have tons of resentment toward the Boomers in my family for not helping because they're busy with second families.

So OP it's ok to struggle and feel sorry for yourself and if you feel like its a mess it probably is, and as long as nobody goes to the emergency room, you had a good enough day!

Come on, all babies sleep eventually, they sleep 16-14 hrs per day. For 30 min you can put him in the baby bjorn and do the garbage every other day. Or, you can confront your husband - scolding a new mom is not cool. It's his child too, but for some reason you resent other family members, not the one whose sperm made the baby. If he was working 2 jobs and unable to help, then he should have proposed hiring help. Baby blues are hard, but it's not new or unique - there are many screenings and help available. They give flyers in hospital after birth, you get asked during your own and baby check ups, etc and with telemedicine a 20 min call gets you a prescription. Just because you didn't avail to househelp or help with PPD, it doesn't mean boomers are bad people...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree with DH which he will do - garbage he is capable of managing I hope. Rest - load washer/dryer with baby strapped to you in a baby carrier, or put him in a pack and play when he is fed and content and load/unload dishwasher. It doesn't have to be all or nothing.

My husband took a call for an interview while I was in labor and started changing jobs the next week, so he literally took like 3 days off and was working 2 jobs at the same time for a while. I remember him coming home and scolding me that the garbages hadn't been emptied. Here's the thing 1) my baby didn't sleep and insisted on being held 2) he had a shitty latch and he took 45min to BF for a long time 3) I had bad baby blues or post partum depression and my energy levels were shit (I killed every house plant because I couldn't remember to water them). We should have hired help (and I asked multiple times). DH has heard me complain about it enough times now if we're in this situation again he will probably hire someone.

I have tons of resentment toward the Boomers in my family for not helping because they're busy with second families.

So OP it's ok to struggle and feel sorry for yourself and if you feel like its a mess it probably is, and as long as nobody goes to the emergency room, you had a good enough day!

Come on, all babies sleep eventually, they sleep 16-14 hrs per day. For 30 min you can put him in the baby bjorn and do the garbage every other day. Or, you can confront your husband - scolding a new mom is not cool. It's his child too, but for some reason you resent other family members, not the one whose sperm made the baby. If he was working 2 jobs and unable to help, then he should have proposed hiring help. Baby blues are hard, but it's not new or unique - there are many screenings and help available. They give flyers in hospital after birth, you get asked during your own and baby check ups, etc and with telemedicine a 20 min call gets you a prescription. Just because you didn't avail to househelp or help with PPD, it doesn't mean boomers are bad people...

Not all babies sleep 14-16 hours per day. That is totally false. My first baby only slept 7 hours per 24 hour period, and all of it was in 15-30 minute increments. This did not change for several months. Nobody would believe me but I kept a written record of his schedule.

Also, the only support available for PPD is Zoloft. I’m serious, I had it twice and all anyone does is offer you antidepressants. I wasn’t depressed, I was TIRED and I didn’t need a pill, I needed sleep.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree with DH which he will do - garbage he is capable of managing I hope. Rest - load washer/dryer with baby strapped to you in a baby carrier, or put him in a pack and play when he is fed and content and load/unload dishwasher. It doesn't have to be all or nothing.

My husband took a call for an interview while I was in labor and started changing jobs the next week, so he literally took like 3 days off and was working 2 jobs at the same time for a while. I remember him coming home and scolding me that the garbages hadn't been emptied. Here's the thing 1) my baby didn't sleep and insisted on being held 2) he had a shitty latch and he took 45min to BF for a long time 3) I had bad baby blues or post partum depression and my energy levels were shit (I killed every house plant because I couldn't remember to water them). We should have hired help (and I asked multiple times). DH has heard me complain about it enough times now if we're in this situation again he will probably hire someone.

I have tons of resentment toward the Boomers in my family for not helping because they're busy with second families.

So OP it's ok to struggle and feel sorry for yourself and if you feel like its a mess it probably is, and as long as nobody goes to the emergency room, you had a good enough day!

Come on, all babies sleep eventually, they sleep 16-14 hrs per day. For 30 min you can put him in the baby bjorn and do the garbage every other day. Or, you can confront your husband - scolding a new mom is not cool. It's his child too, but for some reason you resent other family members, not the one whose sperm made the baby. If he was working 2 jobs and unable to help, then he should have proposed hiring help. Baby blues are hard, but it's not new or unique - there are many screenings and help available. They give flyers in hospital after birth, you get asked during your own and baby check ups, etc and with telemedicine a 20 min call gets you a prescription. Just because you didn't avail to househelp or help with PPD, it doesn't mean boomers are bad people...

No one told my kid that! He averaged about 12 hours a day (I kept very careful track) in his first four months of life, and of course, that was in small chunks. Bad reflux. He didn't move to 14 hours until sleep training at 4 months (when his reflux had cleared up). There were SEVERAL days when he only slept 8 hours in a 24 hour period. It was hell.