Parents with no friends or family around, how did you survive the first month on barely any sleep?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree with DH which he will do - garbage he is capable of managing I hope. Rest - load washer/dryer with baby strapped to you in a baby carrier, or put him in a pack and play when he is fed and content and load/unload dishwasher. It doesn't have to be all or nothing.

My husband took a call for an interview while I was in labor and started changing jobs the next week, so he literally took like 3 days off and was working 2 jobs at the same time for a while. I remember him coming home and scolding me that the garbages hadn't been emptied. Here's the thing 1) my baby didn't sleep and insisted on being held 2) he had a shitty latch and he took 45min to BF for a long time 3) I had bad baby blues or post partum depression and my energy levels were shit (I killed every house plant because I couldn't remember to water them). We should have hired help (and I asked multiple times). DH has heard me complain about it enough times now if we're in this situation again he will probably hire someone.

I have tons of resentment toward the Boomers in my family for not helping because they're busy with second families.

So OP it's ok to struggle and feel sorry for yourself and if you feel like its a mess it probably is, and as long as nobody goes to the emergency room, you had a good enough day!

Even if they aren't busy with second families, they aren't helpful the way other generations were.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need at least one 4-hour stretch of uninterrupted sleep to stay sane, so prioritize that. I had a small baby who needed to eat every 2 hours to gain weight, so dh had to do an overnight bottle. That can be pumped or formula. I would sleep 9pm-1am with dh giving a bottle of expressed milk at 11pm.

The other thing is that you stay in bed for 12-14 hours to get your catnaps to add up to a night of sleep. Good luck! You’re almost past the worst of it.

This. Due to low birth weight, we had to feed every 2 hours round the clock for several weeks, then extended to 3 hours over night. I had to continually poke baby to keep him awake, change her diaper mid-feed, and it took at least 30 minutes if not 45. I do not really remember that first month. This was pre-COVID and my mom did come briefly, but lives too far away. I would pump a bottle for my husband to give baby as the first feed of the "morning". We defined that as starting at 4 am. I'm a night person, he's a morning person (although time lost meaning a bit). I always got a good block sleep from 3 something until 6 something, even with 2 hour feeds... then extending longer as her sleep extended at night. I did use a bassinet, but nearly always got up and fed in the nursery due to the diaper change/poking/not wanting to fall asleep myself.

My husband was able to take a lot of leave, so that helped for daytime naps for me. Your husband is back at work, but needs to do a "second shift" in the evening and/or early morning to help you out.

Hire whatever you can out (cooking, cleaning in non-COVID times). Use paper plates if dishes are piling up (just during this phase). Lower household standards a touch, but people are right that you can't just do nothing.

[Anonymous]

Why can’t you nap during the day?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why can’t you nap during the day?

Read the posts. Not everyone gets a sleepy newborn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can’t you nap during the day?

Read the posts. Not everyone gets a sleepy newborn.

I had fantastic sleepers, but newborn naps aren’t enough for most adults. 45 min? I’d barely get to sleep and then the baby would wake again. Baby naps don’t hit 2 hours until months later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree with DH which he will do - garbage he is capable of managing I hope. Rest - load washer/dryer with baby strapped to you in a baby carrier, or put him in a pack and play when he is fed and content and load/unload dishwasher. It doesn't have to be all or nothing.

My husband took a call for an interview while I was in labor and started changing jobs the next week, so he literally took like 3 days off and was working 2 jobs at the same time for a while. I remember him coming home and scolding me that the garbages hadn't been emptied. Here's the thing 1) my baby didn't sleep and insisted on being held 2) he had a shitty latch and he took 45min to BF for a long time 3) I had bad baby blues or post partum depression and my energy levels were shit (I killed every house plant because I couldn't remember to water them). We should have hired help (and I asked multiple times). DH has heard me complain about it enough times now if we're in this situation again he will probably hire someone.

I have tons of resentment toward the Boomers in my family for not helping because they're busy with second families.

So OP it's ok to struggle and feel sorry for yourself and if you feel like its a mess it probably is, and as long as nobody goes to the emergency room, you had a good enough day!

Your resentment is misplaced. You should have been resentful of your husband for 1. Not stepping up more (a new job is not an excuse) 2. Not being supportive of your hiring help, 3. Chastising you for not completing chores (coupled with 1 and 2 this would have potentially been the grounds for divorce for me and I don’t take that lightly). Your parents already raised their children (and are apparently still in the process of raising more) it’s not their fault that you chose an unsupportive partner and not their responsibility to step up in his absence.

[Anonymous]

You get used to it. I was a single mom with no help beyond the first 3 nights home from the hospital.
Suggestions: put baby and yourself on a night schedule immediately. My child went to bed at 8 pm starting at 2 weeks. And I went to bed at 8:05. Every movement after like 7:15 was focused on getting us ready for nighttime by 8: baby in sleeping gown, diaper changed, me in PJs, bottles, pump, etc at the bedside, shades down. At 8 we turned the lights out, rocked, I put him in the cradle, and I got into bed.
Every few days, plan to do nothing but rest with the baby. Like no cooking, just lie in bed or on the couch and nap, feed baby, etc. helped me to feel rested even when there wasn’t much sleep.
Good luck.

[Anonymous]

We had no family or friends to help when our first was born. What we did: I nursed baby around 7-8pm and then went to sleep. My husband handled any wakings/feedings (bottle of pumped breast milk or bottle of formula if I hadn’t pumped enough) that happened between then and when he (husband) went to bed for the night around 11. Then I got up w baby whenever baby woke during the night after that. That way at least I got a solid 3-4 hours sleep at that beginning part of the night so even though I was still very tired from waking up multiple times during the night from 11ish-morning I was much better off than I would’ve been otherwise. I couldn’t sleep when baby napped during the day because our baby wouldn’t nap at all during the day unless he was held. He also took a long time to nurse at each feeding so there would only be an hour-hour and a half between feedings for the first month or so.

You need to get your DH doing more feedings. Before baby was born I was adamant we wouldn’t be using formula at all but once I discovered how much I hated pumping and how exhausting it all was, I realized some formula was necessary for my sanity. I still successfully breastfed til 18 months so the nightly formula bottle during the first couple months didn’t mess that up at all. And that stage of the waking every couple hours only lasted a couple months. I know that seems like eons to you right now but it shouldn’t be too long til your baby sleeps longer stretches.

Then again, if you can afford to hire help: go for it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need at least one 4-hour stretch of uninterrupted sleep to stay sane, so prioritize that. I had a small baby who needed to eat every 2 hours to gain weight, so dh had to do an overnight bottle. That can be pumped or formula. I would sleep 9pm-1am with dh giving a bottle of expressed milk at 11pm.

The other thing is that you stay in bed for 12-14 hours to get your catnaps to add up to a night of sleep. Good luck! You’re almost past the worst of it.

This. Due to low birth weight, we had to feed every 2 hours round the clock for several weeks, then extended to 3 hours over night. I had to continually poke baby to keep him awake, change her diaper mid-feed, and it took at least 30 minutes if not 45. I do not really remember that first month. This was pre-COVID and my mom did come briefly, but lives too far away. I would pump a bottle for my husband to give baby as the first feed of the "morning". We defined that as starting at 4 am. I'm a night person, he's a morning person (although time lost meaning a bit). I always got a good block sleep from 3 something until 6 something, even with 2 hour feeds... then extending longer as her sleep extended at night. I did use a bassinet, but nearly always got up and fed in the nursery due to the diaper change/poking/not wanting to fall asleep myself.

My husband was able to take a lot of leave, so that helped for daytime naps for me. Your husband is back at work, but needs to do a "second shift" in the evening and/or early morning to help you out.

Hire whatever you can out (cooking, cleaning in non-COVID times). Use paper plates if dishes are piling up (just during this phase). Lower household standards a touch, but people are right that you can't just do nothing.

I disagree. Your husband is working. He needs more sleep than you right now. Maybe he should take 1 weekend shift but in general you should be the one taking care of the baby b/c you don't need to be well-rested to deliver the next day at work. Signed, career woman with husband who does more childcare than she does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need at least one 4-hour stretch of uninterrupted sleep to stay sane, so prioritize that. I had a small baby who needed to eat every 2 hours to gain weight, so dh had to do an overnight bottle. That can be pumped or formula. I would sleep 9pm-1am with dh giving a bottle of expressed milk at 11pm.

The other thing is that you stay in bed for 12-14 hours to get your catnaps to add up to a night of sleep. Good luck! You’re almost past the worst of it.

This. Due to low birth weight, we had to feed every 2 hours round the clock for several weeks, then extended to 3 hours over night. I had to continually poke baby to keep him awake, change her diaper mid-feed, and it took at least 30 minutes if not 45. I do not really remember that first month. This was pre-COVID and my mom did come briefly, but lives too far away. I would pump a bottle for my husband to give baby as the first feed of the "morning". We defined that as starting at 4 am. I'm a night person, he's a morning person (although time lost meaning a bit). I always got a good block sleep from 3 something until 6 something, even with 2 hour feeds... then extending longer as her sleep extended at night. I did use a bassinet, but nearly always got up and fed in the nursery due to the diaper change/poking/not wanting to fall asleep myself.

My husband was able to take a lot of leave, so that helped for daytime naps for me. Your husband is back at work, but needs to do a "second shift" in the evening and/or early morning to help you out.

Hire whatever you can out (cooking, cleaning in non-COVID times). Use paper plates if dishes are piling up (just during this phase). Lower household standards a touch, but people are right that you can't just do nothing.

I disagree. Your husband is working. He needs more sleep than you right now. Maybe he should take 1 weekend shift but in general you should be the one taking care of the baby b/c you don't need to be well-rested to deliver the next day at work. Signed, career woman with husband who does more childcare than she does.

I don't know about this. When my first DD was a newborn, I was so exhausted that I was really concerned about being able to properly care for her on my own. It can get so bad that it is a safety risk. If you have a baby that naps well, then sure. But that isn't necessarily the case. Plus the exhaustion led to bad PPD and PPA, and that caused a whole host of issues. Unless her DH is a surgeon or a firefighter or pilot or something, you really think he needs rest more than she does, and it doesn't matter how tired she gets?
Signed, career woman with a DH who was 50/50 on nighttime care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need at least one 4-hour stretch of uninterrupted sleep to stay sane, so prioritize that. I had a small baby who needed to eat every 2 hours to gain weight, so dh had to do an overnight bottle. That can be pumped or formula. I would sleep 9pm-1am with dh giving a bottle of expressed milk at 11pm.

The other thing is that you stay in bed for 12-14 hours to get your catnaps to add up to a night of sleep. Good luck! You’re almost past the worst of it.

This. Due to low birth weight, we had to feed every 2 hours round the clock for several weeks, then extended to 3 hours over night. I had to continually poke baby to keep him awake, change her diaper mid-feed, and it took at least 30 minutes if not 45. I do not really remember that first month. This was pre-COVID and my mom did come briefly, but lives too far away. I would pump a bottle for my husband to give baby as the first feed of the "morning". We defined that as starting at 4 am. I'm a night person, he's a morning person (although time lost meaning a bit). I always got a good block sleep from 3 something until 6 something, even with 2 hour feeds... then extending longer as her sleep extended at night. I did use a bassinet, but nearly always got up and fed in the nursery due to the diaper change/poking/not wanting to fall asleep myself.

My husband was able to take a lot of leave, so that helped for daytime naps for me. Your husband is back at work, but needs to do a "second shift" in the evening and/or early morning to help you out.

Hire whatever you can out (cooking, cleaning in non-COVID times). Use paper plates if dishes are piling up (just during this phase). Lower household standards a touch, but people are right that you can't just do nothing.

I disagree. Your husband is working. He needs more sleep than you right now. Maybe he should take 1 weekend shift but in general you should be the one taking care of the baby b/c you don't need to be well-rested to deliver the next day at work. Signed, career woman with husband who does more childcare than she does.

I don't know about this. When my first DD was a newborn, I was so exhausted that I was really concerned about being able to properly care for her on my own. It can get so bad that it is a safety risk. If you have a baby that naps well, then sure. But that isn't necessarily the case. Plus the exhaustion led to bad PPD and PPA, and that caused a whole host of issues. Unless her DH is a surgeon or a firefighter or pilot or something, you really think he needs rest more than she does, and it doesn't matter how tired she gets?
Signed, career woman with a DH who was 50/50 on nighttime care.

+1 its ridiculous to argue that the DH working a desk job is more in need of/deserving of sleep than the wife caring for a newborn throughout the day (which by the way is also a full time job) and simultaneously recovering from child birth. -signed a non-misogynist

[Anonymous]

I just lived through it. Try to go to bed early. You’ll get your best stretch then. My child slept in 3-4 hour blocks for the first 6+ months and my husband was on near constant work travel
I thought I was breaking the entire time. But I didn’t. If you can hire someone to spell you for naps DO

[Anonymous]

I did the feedings at night (did not get out of bed) and my husband did the diapers. With our second (born during the pandemic) we bought a Snoo at 8 weeks old. It was the right fit for our baby and worked till almost 7 months.

[Anonymous]

Cosleeping is an option but you have to have the confidence to be able to relax and sleep with baby next to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need at least one 4-hour stretch of uninterrupted sleep to stay sane, so prioritize that. I had a small baby who needed to eat every 2 hours to gain weight, so dh had to do an overnight bottle. That can be pumped or formula. I would sleep 9pm-1am with dh giving a bottle of expressed milk at 11pm.

The other thing is that you stay in bed for 12-14 hours to get your catnaps to add up to a night of sleep. Good luck! You’re almost past the worst of it.

This. Due to low birth weight, we had to feed every 2 hours round the clock for several weeks, then extended to 3 hours over night. I had to continually poke baby to keep him awake, change her diaper mid-feed, and it took at least 30 minutes if not 45. I do not really remember that first month. This was pre-COVID and my mom did come briefly, but lives too far away. I would pump a bottle for my husband to give baby as the first feed of the "morning". We defined that as starting at 4 am. I'm a night person, he's a morning person (although time lost meaning a bit). I always got a good block sleep from 3 something until 6 something, even with 2 hour feeds... then extending longer as her sleep extended at night. I did use a bassinet, but nearly always got up and fed in the nursery due to the diaper change/poking/not wanting to fall asleep myself.

My husband was able to take a lot of leave, so that helped for daytime naps for me. Your husband is back at work, but needs to do a "second shift" in the evening and/or early morning to help you out.

Hire whatever you can out (cooking, cleaning in non-COVID times). Use paper plates if dishes are piling up (just during this phase). Lower household standards a touch, but people are right that you can't just do nothing.

I disagree. Your husband is working. He needs more sleep than you right now. Maybe he should take 1 weekend shift but in general you should be the one taking care of the baby b/c you don't need to be well-rested to deliver the next day at work. Signed, career woman with husband who does more childcare than she does.

I don't know about this. When my first DD was a newborn, I was so exhausted that I was really concerned about being able to properly care for her on my own. It can get so bad that it is a safety risk. If you have a baby that naps well, then sure. But that isn't necessarily the case. Plus the exhaustion led to bad PPD and PPA, and that caused a whole host of issues. Unless her DH is a surgeon or a firefighter or pilot or something, you really think he needs rest more than she does, and it doesn't matter how tired she gets?
Signed, career woman with a DH who was 50/50 on nighttime care.

PP above - obviously I would not take it to the extreme. The DH can also do 1-2 days per week, say during the weekend. Or the DH can do a 10/11 pm feed such that the wife can get a stretch from 7/8 to 1/2. When baby was small, I'd put the baby to bed around 7, I'd go to bed around 8 and DH would do a dream feed around 1030 before he went to bed. Then I would do all of the night feedings so that he can sleep until 6. I personally cannot deliver at my job with little sleep. Desk jobs can be really hard. At that point, I could make do with 6 hours of interrupted sleep during the night, but he could not. I am not saying the DH should not help but I think he can do a feed before he goes to bed and maybe take Saturday evening fully so that she can get some rest, but barring a medical issue / PPD, his job requires more focus right now. I'd also focus on helping the baby learn to fall asleep on their own so that they don't wake up every 1 hour. 2-3 hours is fairly standard unfortunately, but every 1 hour all the time may be related to the fact that baby cannot connect sleep cycles.