Parents with no friends or family around, how did you survive the first month on barely any sleep?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need at least one 4-hour stretch of uninterrupted sleep to stay sane, so prioritize that. I had a small baby who needed to eat every 2 hours to gain weight, so dh had to do an overnight bottle. That can be pumped or formula. I would sleep 9pm-1am with dh giving a bottle of expressed milk at 11pm.

The other thing is that you stay in bed for 12-14 hours to get your catnaps to add up to a night of sleep. Good luck! You’re almost past the worst of it.

This. Due to low birth weight, we had to feed every 2 hours round the clock for several weeks, then extended to 3 hours over night. I had to continually poke baby to keep him awake, change her diaper mid-feed, and it took at least 30 minutes if not 45. I do not really remember that first month. This was pre-COVID and my mom did come briefly, but lives too far away. I would pump a bottle for my husband to give baby as the first feed of the "morning". We defined that as starting at 4 am. I'm a night person, he's a morning person (although time lost meaning a bit). I always got a good block sleep from 3 something until 6 something, even with 2 hour feeds... then extending longer as her sleep extended at night. I did use a bassinet, but nearly always got up and fed in the nursery due to the diaper change/poking/not wanting to fall asleep myself.

My husband was able to take a lot of leave, so that helped for daytime naps for me. Your husband is back at work, but needs to do a "second shift" in the evening and/or early morning to help you out.

Hire whatever you can out (cooking, cleaning in non-COVID times). Use paper plates if dishes are piling up (just during this phase). Lower household standards a touch, but people are right that you can't just do nothing.

I disagree. Your husband is working. He needs more sleep than you right now. Maybe he should take 1 weekend shift but in general you should be the one taking care of the baby b/c you don't need to be well-rested to deliver the next day at work. Signed, career woman with husband who does more childcare than she does.

I don't know about this. When my first DD was a newborn, I was so exhausted that I was really concerned about being able to properly care for her on my own. It can get so bad that it is a safety risk. If you have a baby that naps well, then sure. But that isn't necessarily the case. Plus the exhaustion led to bad PPD and PPA, and that caused a whole host of issues. Unless her DH is a surgeon or a firefighter or pilot or something, you really think he needs rest more than she does, and it doesn't matter how tired she gets?
Signed, career woman with a DH who was 50/50 on nighttime care.

+1 its ridiculous to argue that the DH working a desk job is more in need of/deserving of sleep than the wife caring for a newborn throughout the day (which by the way is also a full time job) and simultaneously recovering from child birth. -signed a non-misogynist

Desk jobs can be very intense. I cannot perform at my current job with which I bring 2/3 of the HH income on 5 hours of interrupted sleep. I can change diapers though on 5 hours of sleep.

[Anonymous]

I don’t understand this. Most newborns sleep on average 16-18 hours a day. This is the majority of 24 hours. Even if your kid only sleeps 12 hours, you should still be able to get 6 hours of sleep.

The moms I know who complain about babies who don’t sleep tend to make bad decisions about sleep and also exaggerate. There is something medically wrong with your newborn if he or she is sleeping in 45 minute increments. These are the same moms who later are breastfeeding a six month old every 2-3 hours and wonder why their child won’t sleep.

[Anonymous]

You just keep going. Thats what moms do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:With only one I slept when the baby slept during the day. When you’re super sleep-deprived, it’s easy! With my second, I got help (a great nanny) during the day.

This doesn't work if your baby only wants to sleep on you, though.

+1 It was hell. Baby would only sleep if being held. Yes we swaddled. I am still triggered by the newborn period. I don't even like to look at pictures of that time until she was about 2 months old.

We are one and done even 7 years later, but if I had to go through it again I would spend every penny I had on a night nurse. My biggest regret was not hiring one.

This isn’t true. Sleep is necessary to live. Your baby will eventually sleep in a crib. He or she may fight it and cry, but he or she will eventually sleep out of necessity. You CHOSE for your baby to sleep on you. You decided that you preferred the baby to sleep on you instead of the baby crying.

[Anonymous]

I'm assuming those of you who don't understand why a baby wakes up every hour and can't sleep without being held have never had a baby with reflux.
Not saying OP does, but that was the case with our difficult baby. Her sister was a breeze by comparison. Nothing about routines between the two was different. Just reflux.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand this. Most newborns sleep on average 16-18 hours a day. This is the majority of 24 hours. Even if your kid only sleeps 12 hours, you should still be able to get 6 hours of sleep.

The moms I know who complain about babies who don’t sleep tend to make bad decisions about sleep and also exaggerate. There is something medically wrong with your newborn if he or she is sleeping in 45 minute increments. These are the same moms who later are breastfeeding a six month old every 2-3 hours and wonder why their child won’t sleep.

I had an easy baby who slept a lot and I still had a lot of trouble. Hormones and pain can make it really hard to fall asleep. You can’t flip a switch when the baby nods off. I used to hallucinate hearing crying while I was in the shower. I had horrible, horrible nightmares about the baby in accidents or being murdered.
OP, it’s crucial that your husband do one full shift - baby to sleep, wake with baby, feed, diaper and back to sleep. I recommend it’s after the evening cluster feed. So you can tell your brain that you are not listening to the baby. Put in foam ear plugs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Baby is three weeks old and now that my husband is back to work and I’m the only caregiver night and day I’ve become well acquainted with sleep deprivation. I know that it’s not an avoidable issue and I’ll endure it for as long as I can but I’m afraid it’s not sustainable for too long. I get 3-4 stretches of one hour of sleep at night because my little one goes two hours between feedings. During the day sometimes I manage to fall asleep for another hour or so when he’s asleep but sometime I fall asleep while he’s already waking up. My concern is that in the afternoon my alertness is pretty bad and I’m afraid I’ll get to the point of being unsafe/drop things/make poor judgements, etc.

Those of you who’ve survived this period, which resources did you use? Did you hire someone to come to your house for a few hours to be with the baby while you napped? If so, how did you find these people? How do you find sitters/nannies that are experienced specifically with newborns this young?

Are there tricks out there to allow myself to be well and functional without hiring someone?

The trick is that your DH shoulders some of the sleep deprivation as well so you can get a break. It’s absurd that just bc he’s back at work that you are expected to bear all of the sleep deprivation. DH couldn’t nurse our babies but he could change diapers and rock back to sleep (reflux baby) so all I had to do was nurse and go back to sleep. My DH has a “big job” w/ demanding clients, long hours and lots of brain power necessary, and he still split nighttime responsibilities w me. Honestly, it’s important to start this dynamic of sharing childcare responsibilities now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand this. Most newborns sleep on average 16-18 hours a day. This is the majority of 24 hours. Even if your kid only sleeps 12 hours, you should still be able to get 6 hours of sleep.

The moms I know who complain about babies who don’t sleep tend to make bad decisions about sleep and also exaggerate. There is something medically wrong with your newborn if he or she is sleeping in 45 minute increments. These are the same moms who later are breastfeeding a six month old every 2-3 hours and wonder why their child won’t sleep.

I had an easy baby who slept a lot and I still had a lot of trouble. Hormones and pain can make it really hard to fall asleep. You can’t flip a switch when the baby nods off. I used to hallucinate hearing crying while I was in the shower. I had horrible, horrible nightmares about the baby in accidents or being murdered.
OP, it’s crucial that your husband do one full shift - baby to sleep, wake with baby, feed, diaper and back to sleep. I recommend it’s after the evening cluster feed. So you can tell your brain that you are not listening to the baby. Put in foam ear plugs.

Thank you. I’m sorry you went through that. (I did too.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand this. Most newborns sleep on average 16-18 hours a day. This is the majority of 24 hours. Even if your kid only sleeps 12 hours, you should still be able to get 6 hours of sleep.

The moms I know who complain about babies who don’t sleep tend to make bad decisions about sleep and also exaggerate. There is something medically wrong with your newborn if he or she is sleeping in 45 minute increments. These are the same moms who later are breastfeeding a six month old every 2-3 hours and wonder why their child won’t sleep.

I had an easy baby who slept a lot and I still had a lot of trouble. Hormones and pain can make it really hard to fall asleep. You can’t flip a switch when the baby nods off. I used to hallucinate hearing crying while I was in the shower. I had horrible, horrible nightmares about the baby in accidents or being murdered.
OP, it’s crucial that your husband do one full shift - baby to sleep, wake with baby, feed, diaper and back to sleep. I recommend it’s after the evening cluster feed. So you can tell your brain that you are not listening to the baby. Put in foam ear plugs.

Thank you. I’m sorry you went through that. (I did too.)

+ a million.
I dealt with similar issues plus a baby with reflux when our first DD was a newborn. Our second one was so easy that I can see how some women don't understand the issue. But I still couldn't just make myself sleep instantly, on command. Too much going on with my brain and body, I suppose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand this. Most newborns sleep on average 16-18 hours a day. This is the majority of 24 hours. Even if your kid only sleeps 12 hours, you should still be able to get 6 hours of sleep.

The moms I know who complain about babies who don’t sleep tend to make bad decisions about sleep and also exaggerate. There is something medically wrong with your newborn if he or she is sleeping in 45 minute increments. These are the same moms who later are breastfeeding a six month old every 2-3 hours and wonder why their child won’t sleep.

I had an easy baby who slept a lot and I still had a lot of trouble. Hormones and pain can make it really hard to fall asleep. You can’t flip a switch when the baby nods off. I used to hallucinate hearing crying while I was in the shower. I had horrible, horrible nightmares about the baby in accidents or being murdered.
OP, it’s crucial that your husband do one full shift - baby to sleep, wake with baby, feed, diaper and back to sleep. I recommend it’s after the evening cluster feed. So you can tell your brain that you are not listening to the baby. Put in foam ear plugs.

Same. Super common to have dreams of perilous situations in the first month or so. I think it’s the subconscious realization that another’s life is your hands.
Thank you. I’m sorry you went through that. (I did too.)

[Anonymous]

Good Morning, OP,
How are you doing today?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need at least one 4-hour stretch of uninterrupted sleep to stay sane, so prioritize that. I had a small baby who needed to eat every 2 hours to gain weight, so dh had to do an overnight bottle. That can be pumped or formula. I would sleep 9pm-1am with dh giving a bottle of expressed milk at 11pm.

The other thing is that you stay in bed for 12-14 hours to get your catnaps to add up to a night of sleep. Good luck! You’re almost past the worst of it.

This. Due to low birth weight, we had to feed every 2 hours round the clock for several weeks, then extended to 3 hours over night. I had to continually poke baby to keep him awake, change her diaper mid-feed, and it took at least 30 minutes if not 45. I do not really remember that first month. This was pre-COVID and my mom did come briefly, but lives too far away. I would pump a bottle for my husband to give baby as the first feed of the "morning". We defined that as starting at 4 am. I'm a night person, he's a morning person (although time lost meaning a bit). I always got a good block sleep from 3 something until 6 something, even with 2 hour feeds... then extending longer as her sleep extended at night. I did use a bassinet, but nearly always got up and fed in the nursery due to the diaper change/poking/not wanting to fall asleep myself.

My husband was able to take a lot of leave, so that helped for daytime naps for me. Your husband is back at work, but needs to do a "second shift" in the evening and/or early morning to help you out.

Hire whatever you can out (cooking, cleaning in non-COVID times). Use paper plates if dishes are piling up (just during this phase). Lower household standards a touch, but people are right that you can't just do nothing.

I disagree. Your husband is working. He needs more sleep than you right now. Maybe he should take 1 weekend shift but in general you should be the one taking care of the baby b/c you don't need to be well-rested to deliver the next day at work. Signed, career woman with husband who does more childcare than she does.

I don't know about this. When my first DD was a newborn, I was so exhausted that I was really concerned about being able to properly care for her on my own. It can get so bad that it is a safety risk. If you have a baby that naps well, then sure. But that isn't necessarily the case. Plus the exhaustion led to bad PPD and PPA, and that caused a whole host of issues. Unless her DH is a surgeon or a firefighter or pilot or something, you really think he needs rest more than she does, and it doesn't matter how tired she gets?
Signed, career woman with a DH who was 50/50 on nighttime care.

+1 its ridiculous to argue that the DH working a desk job is more in need of/deserving of sleep than the wife caring for a newborn throughout the day (which by the way is also a full time job) and simultaneously recovering from child birth. -signed a non-misogynist

Desk jobs can be very intense. I cannot perform at my current job with which I bring 2/3 of the HH income on 5 hours of interrupted sleep. I can change diapers though on 5 hours of sleep.

It’s a little more than just changing diapers but whatever. Hopefully your intense desk job pays enough to hire out the support you are unable/unwilling to provide.

[Anonymous]

Nor sure how I would have survived with family around. The only time I even trusted DH with the baby was when I was under heavy medication in the hospital.
I napped when the baby napped. There was not sleeping at night and up during the day.Napping any time I needed to nap until he started to sleep more at night.

[Anonymous]

I haven't read the entire thread, so I may be repetitive. If so, I apologize.

With #1, I tried to sleep (or at least rest) when she napped. Fortunately, she was a pretty good sleeper so I could count on regular down time. I also prioritized rest over things like laundry, meals, etc. If dinner ended up being soup and sandwiches, and we had to fish tomorrow's clothing out of a laundry basket, that was ok.

With #2, it was more difficult because #1 no longer napped and the baby was world's lousiest sleeper. I did set #1 up for "quiet time" (a video, toys, etc.) during #2s short and irregular naps so that I could at least sit down, relax, grab something to eat. Also, I'd have the kids fed, bathed and in PJs when DH got home from work so that he could take over watching them until bedtime. That let me get in a hot shower and a couple of hours sleep before the first nighttime feeding. He also often took Saturday nights since he could rest the next day and be ready to go back to work on Monday.

[Anonymous]

It's really challenging. i'm military and haven't been near family at any point since having kids. I would recommend sleeping when the baby sleeps, including daytime naps, and letting other things slide. Also, getting the baby into the daily routine of the household (consistent dinner time, calming bath, bedtime) can help.

#1 was a bad sleeper and i had to go back to work at six weeks (I work in medicine), so my husband and I had an "early shift" and "late shift" so we each got 5 solid hours of sleep a night where we slept in the guest room uninterrupted.

#2 was a better sleeper off the bat and started having a 4-5 hours stretch of sleep from about 8pm-1am when she was a few weeks old. I took three months and felt much better when I went back to work. I am OK with a solid 5 hours plus a few additional scattered hours at night but would indulge in some naptime on weekends. I just forced myself to go to bed early at 8.