Odd sister

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sister has always been an odd duck. Maybe it's the whole "middle child" thing. She always kept to herself, never was the one to share, was very much into privacy. Absolutely hated family gatherings. I swear, one of her biggest wishes was to get sick right before family vacations. Never happened but she was miserable throughout our trips. We all thought she'd outgrow it eventually but it's gotten worse.

She eloped couple years ago without telling anyone. Ok, fine. She had a child we don't get to see at all despite living in the same area. None of us have been to her home. We know where she lives, we drove by her house, but she never invites us. If we want to see her, we can only do that in a public place, like a restaurant or a local park. She always comes alone, no husband, no child. She's been married for 4 years and we've only seen her husband twice!

I cannot comprehend this! None of us can! We are not horrible people. She was not abused (trust me, we asked!), our parents loved us equally. Why is she like this? What did we do wrong? How do we move forward?

First of all, I have no idea why your sister is like who she is but, why did you put "middle child thing" in quotes? Is she not the middle child? And btw, it has nothing to do with her being a middle child. She could have Autism or just not like you or her family. But, it isn't because she is the middle kid.

[Anonymous]

The fact that you entitled this post "odd sister" and then refer to hera's a "odd duck" say everything.

Try seeing and treating her as a sister. Not an "odd" sister. If you and the whole family do this, your sister will eventually respond in kind.

I know, I am treated as the "odd" person in my family because I am introverted and like learning, as opposed to being extroverted and in the trades. Not sure why I am like this, I was just born this way.

Finally, in my 60s, my extended family is treating me as a person instead of an "odd duck." It's been refreshing, but I am slow to warm up after being considered an "odd duck" to them for 50+ years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s very annoying that OP never came back to respond to the comments here. I find it interesting that so many of us have created an imaginary back story for the sister.

Because we bet the sister would have a different story to tell. And it won't go "I am just a big weirdo who likes to be distant from my totally loving, supportive family for no reason" a la OP's post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s very annoying that OP never came back to respond to the comments here. I find it interesting that so many of us have created an imaginary back story for the sister.

Because we bet the sister would have a different story to tell. And it won't go "I am just a big weirdo who likes to be distant from my totally loving, supportive family for no reason" a la OP's post.

Agree, but I’m amazed the thread has continued for so many days with zero additional input from the OP. We are invested in this story!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some of the your sister's behavior reminds me of my oldest daughter who suffers from depression, anxiety, and OCD. She intensely dislikes most social gatherings. She does not handle vacations well -- new environments stress her out. I suspect your sister has anxiety.

Stop diagnosing people based off your daughter's issues. Instead help fix your kid.

NP. What an asinine comment. She was just sharing her own experience, in case it was helpful. Talk about seeing the worst in people.

+1. I was going to mention social anxiety because she is avoiding large gatherings.

[Anonymous]

I am a middle child and also very protective of my privacy. It comes from observing what happens when one shares with parents and other family members. I have also noticed that people who think they are nonjudgemental are often the opposite, even if they don’t say it directly or in front of you. Parents show favoritism by talking more about a favored child, saying how much or little a child resembles them, supporting activities and behaviors that please them, “lighting up” when one child calls or appears and paying less attention to another, etc. A sensitive, observant child will notice and not feel safe to share and instead withdraw inside themselves until they are able to physically do so. Only people who they find to accept them truly for themselves will truly know them and share their lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you tried hanging out with just her, or is it always large family gatherings? Some people do better one on one. Also, might give you a chance to build a better relationship with her. I find large family gatherings a waste of time. 15 minute conversations with 10 people doesn't = a relationship IMO. Nor does one large group conversation where everyone is just cracking jokes, but that's just my family.

OP here. Sure I tried. We all tried. We figured we'd just invite her out one on one. Nope, doesn't budge. She will literally sit in a coffee shop and answer "Yes/No". She doesn't seem uncomfortable. She never initiates our meetings. I can't remember last time she called any of us or texted a simple "hey, what's up?" We always end up reaching out ourselves. Our last straw was with the baby. I get it, it's COVID, but at least send us pictures. If you need help, we can help. It hurts to be shut down like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you tried hanging out with just her, or is it always large family gatherings? Some people do better one on one. Also, might give you a chance to build a better relationship with her. I find large family gatherings a waste of time. 15 minute conversations with 10 people doesn't = a relationship IMO. Nor does one large group conversation where everyone is just cracking jokes, but that's just my family.

OP here. Sure I tried. We all tried. We figured we'd just invite her out one on one. Nope, doesn't budge. She will literally sit in a coffee shop and answer "Yes/No". She doesn't seem uncomfortable. She never initiates our meetings. I can't remember last time she called any of us or texted a simple "hey, what's up?" We always end up reaching out ourselves. Our last straw was with the baby. I get it, it's COVID, but at least send us pictures. If you need help, we can help. It hurts to be shut down like this.

OP, how much of your life do you spend thinking about this?

It sounds like she wants to be left alone, why is it such a problem to just leave her alone?

Again, any insight as to why someone you call "odd" doesn't want to have anything to do with you?

[Anonymous]

I think it is a good sign that she does reach out and make contact, however delayed or infrequent, to let your family know about her big events. As another poster said, take her where she is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you tried hanging out with just her, or is it always large family gatherings? Some people do better one on one. Also, might give you a chance to build a better relationship with her. I find large family gatherings a waste of time. 15 minute conversations with 10 people doesn't = a relationship IMO. Nor does one large group conversation where everyone is just cracking jokes, but that's just my family.

OP here. Sure I tried. We all tried. We figured we'd just invite her out one on one. Nope, doesn't budge. She will literally sit in a coffee shop and answer "Yes/No". She doesn't seem uncomfortable. She never initiates our meetings. I can't remember last time she called any of us or texted a simple "hey, what's up?" We always end up reaching out ourselves. Our last straw was with the baby. I get it, it's COVID, but at least send us pictures. If you need help, we can help. It hurts to be shut down like this.

OP, how much of your life do you spend thinking about this?

It sounds like she wants to be left alone, why is it such a problem to just leave her alone?

Again, any insight as to why someone you call "odd" doesn't want to have anything to do with you?

OP: not communicating with others is odd. Not telling your family you are getting married is odd. Not showing pictures of your child to the GRANDPARENTS is odd. When our father was diagnosed with COVID she was the only sibling who did not check in on him. No phone call, no text, no e-mail. She knew he was sick. Not responding to messages. Should I give you more insight?

[Anonymous]

You can't do anything OP. Dont push but maybe check in via a nice card and text every month or so. As much as everyone seems to love projecting on this story their own shit, he reality is that some people are odd, some are assholes, some are lovely but crippled with anxiety, and on and on and on. You can't change other people. Only meet them where they are and determine if that parameter of relationship is good for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you tried hanging out with just her, or is it always large family gatherings? Some people do better one on one. Also, might give you a chance to build a better relationship with her. I find large family gatherings a waste of time. 15 minute conversations with 10 people doesn't = a relationship IMO. Nor does one large group conversation where everyone is just cracking jokes, but that's just my family.

OP here. Sure I tried. We all tried. We figured we'd just invite her out one on one. Nope, doesn't budge. She will literally sit in a coffee shop and answer "Yes/No". She doesn't seem uncomfortable. She never initiates our meetings. I can't remember last time she called any of us or texted a simple "hey, what's up?" We always end up reaching out ourselves. Our last straw was with the baby. I get it, it's COVID, but at least send us pictures. If you need help, we can help. It hurts to be shut down like this.

OP, how much of your life do you spend thinking about this?

It sounds like she wants to be left alone, why is it such a problem to just leave her alone?

Again, any insight as to why someone you call "odd" doesn't want to have anything to do with you?

OP: not communicating with others is odd. Not telling your family you are getting married is odd. Not showing pictures of your child to the GRANDPARENTS is odd. When our father was diagnosed with COVID she was the only sibling who did not check in on him. No phone call, no text, no e-mail. She knew he was sick. Not responding to messages. Should I give you more insight?

Sounds like your parents treated her shabbily and she is now responding in kind. What goes around comes around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you tried hanging out with just her, or is it always large family gatherings? Some people do better one on one. Also, might give you a chance to build a better relationship with her. I find large family gatherings a waste of time. 15 minute conversations with 10 people doesn't = a relationship IMO. Nor does one large group conversation where everyone is just cracking jokes, but that's just my family.

OP here. Sure I tried. We all tried. We figured we'd just invite her out one on one. Nope, doesn't budge. She will literally sit in a coffee shop and answer "Yes/No". She doesn't seem uncomfortable. She never initiates our meetings. I can't remember last time she called any of us or texted a simple "hey, what's up?" We always end up reaching out ourselves. Our last straw was with the baby. I get it, it's COVID, but at least send us pictures. If you need help, we can help. It hurts to be shut down like this.

how do you know exactly who she has and hasn’t called? OP she clearly doesn’t like to be around you, and I’m sure there’s a reason why.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you tried hanging out with just her, or is it always large family gatherings? Some people do better one on one. Also, might give you a chance to build a better relationship with her. I find large family gatherings a waste of time. 15 minute conversations with 10 people doesn't = a relationship IMO. Nor does one large group conversation where everyone is just cracking jokes, but that's just my family.

OP here. Sure I tried. We all tried. We figured we'd just invite her out one on one. Nope, doesn't budge. She will literally sit in a coffee shop and answer "Yes/No". She doesn't seem uncomfortable. She never initiates our meetings. I can't remember last time she called any of us or texted a simple "hey, what's up?" We always end up reaching out ourselves. Our last straw was with the baby. I get it, it's COVID, but at least send us pictures. If you need help, we can help. It hurts to be shut down like this.

OP, how much of your life do you spend thinking about this?

It sounds like she wants to be left alone, why is it such a problem to just leave her alone?

Again, any insight as to why someone you call "odd" doesn't want to have anything to do with you?

OP: not communicating with others is odd. Not telling your family you are getting married is odd. Not showing pictures of your child to the GRANDPARENTS is odd. When our father was diagnosed with COVID she was the only sibling who did not check in on him. No phone call, no text, no e-mail. She knew he was sick. Not responding to messages. Should I give you more insight?

Others? Or just your family? She did find someone she wanted to marry, so she's obviously not a complete loner.

I come from a very dysfunctional family that would never, ever identify themselves as such. I got a lot of flack for spending all my time in my room growing up, and one way my family builds relationships with each other is to talk about how impossible I am. This allows them to deny their own issues (alcoholism, anxiety, depression, emotional manipulation, etc.) I am introverted so I don't need a ton of interaction, and definitely don't need anything from them.

And I saw a therapist. I talked about my family and our lack of relationship and was assured my behavior was normal, healthy, and self protective.

You might be the odd duck, OP. Just sayin'.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you tried hanging out with just her, or is it always large family gatherings? Some people do better one on one. Also, might give you a chance to build a better relationship with her. I find large family gatherings a waste of time. 15 minute conversations with 10 people doesn't = a relationship IMO. Nor does one large group conversation where everyone is just cracking jokes, but that's just my family.

OP here. Sure I tried. We all tried. We figured we'd just invite her out one on one. Nope, doesn't budge. She will literally sit in a coffee shop and answer "Yes/No". She doesn't seem uncomfortable. She never initiates our meetings. I can't remember last time she called any of us or texted a simple "hey, what's up?" We always end up reaching out ourselves. Our last straw was with the baby. I get it, it's COVID, but at least send us pictures. If you need help, we can help. It hurts to be shut down like this.

OP, how much of your life do you spend thinking about this?

It sounds like she wants to be left alone, why is it such a problem to just leave her alone?

Again, any insight as to why someone you call "odd" doesn't want to have anything to do with you?

OP: not communicating with others is odd. Not telling your family you are getting married is odd. Not showing pictures of your child to the GRANDPARENTS is odd. When our father was diagnosed with COVID she was the only sibling who did not check in on him. No phone call, no text, no e-mail. She knew he was sick. Not responding to messages. Should I give you more insight?

Sounds like your parents treated her shabbily and she is now responding in kind. What goes around comes around.

+1