Odd sister

[Anonymous]

Maybe she does not want to hang out with people who call her odd.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She probably has a different view on how she was treated. My parents will say they treated us equally, they didn't. My sister was always horrible to me and they encouraged it as they pitted us up against each other and were always comparing. Honestly, I have zero interest in seeing my family and only did it when my kids were little for them. Now my kids see right through them as they do the same things to them and want nothing to do with them. They were never very nice to my husband or his family (his mom was lovely to me) so I would always have to pick my family or my MIL for holidays. Since we were all my MIL had and she treated me better, I choose her. If I never see them again, I'm fine with it. I am sure my sister will get all the inheritance and our kids have specifically requested if something happens to us that they go with our friends vs. aunt.

+1

[Anonymous]

Have you ever asked her why she didn't like family vacations? Where did you go? Did you visit more family or go places she wasn't interested in? Did the whole family love the beach and enjoyed it, but she hated the sun and sand? Did she just have different interests and then felt like an outsider in her whole family, the place that should be a secure safe place to be yourself? A kid wishing they fell ill before a vacation so they didn't have to go definitely sounds like whatever happened on these vacations was so horrible for her - obviously worse than any regular childhood illness or cold etc.

Maybe start with some basic questions like I remember when we were kids you didn't like vacations and I always wondered why?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Meet her where she is. It's clear she has some strong boundaries up about how your family interacts. If you want a relationship, meet her on her terms. Make it as positive as possible.

If she finally feels SEEN maybe she'll stop avoiding you all. Or not. But either way the relationship will stay positive, which is really the end goal.

I agree with this AS LONG AS you don't think that she is sneaking out and seeing you on the sly because her husband is controlling... If you're sure that she is physically and emotionally safe, then this plan seems the best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe she does not want to hang out with people who call her odd.

There is a strong element of truth to this. And it may not be that she is odd as much as she is unlike everyone else in their nuclear family. If OP's sister is a circle in a family of squares then of course she is the odd girl out.

[Anonymous]

She probably wishes she was adopted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like your sister may have suffered something terrible during childhood that she has not shared. I think this goes beyond being an introvert. The behavior is off and spells something else happened or happening. Possibly abuse or mental illness. And before you deny abuse I unfortunately know of many families where one child was abused and the others had no knowledge of it.

Since she's willing to communicate and visit you I would start off small and meet her where she is. Let her know you love her and your always available.

Would she accept the occasional phone call from you or text? How about a card or letter?
Show interestsn in her interests ask about the baby.

Could be something tragic happened, or she’s on the spectrum and doesn’t see the need for people. Not sure how that jives with being a wife and new mother now though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like your sister may have suffered something terrible during childhood that she has not shared. I think this goes beyond being an introvert. The behavior is off and spells something else happened or happening. Possibly abuse or mental illness. And before you deny abuse I unfortunately know of many families where one child was abused and the others had no knowledge of it.

Since she's willing to communicate and visit you I would start off small and meet her where she is. Let her know you love her and your always available.

Would she accept the occasional phone call from you or text? How about a card or letter?
Show interestsn in her interests ask about the baby.

Could be something tragic happened, or she’s on the spectrum and doesn’t see the need for people. Not sure how that jives with being a wife and new mother now though.

Enough with the everyone has ASD who isn't like you. OP is a nightmare sister and sister has appropriately pulled away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like your sister may have suffered something terrible during childhood that she has not shared. I think this goes beyond being an introvert. The behavior is off and spells something else happened or happening. Possibly abuse or mental illness. And before you deny abuse I unfortunately know of many families where one child was abused and the others had no knowledge of it.

Since she's willing to communicate and visit you I would start off small and meet her where she is. Let her know you love her and your always available.

Would she accept the occasional phone call from you or text? How about a card or letter?
Show interestsn in her interests ask about the baby.

Could be something tragic happened, or she’s on the spectrum and doesn’t see the need for people. Not sure how that jives with being a wife and new mother now though.

Enough with the everyone has ASD who isn't like you. OP is a nightmare sister and sister has appropriately pulled away.

+1

[Anonymous]

Have you tried hanging out with just her, or is it always large family gatherings? Some people do better one on one. Also, might give you a chance to build a better relationship with her. I find large family gatherings a waste of time. 15 minute conversations with 10 people doesn't = a relationship IMO. Nor does one large group conversation where everyone is just cracking jokes, but that's just my family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just because you asked about abuse doesn’t mean you know the truth.

Amen. You'd never know the horrible stuff that went on in my in-laws house if you met them. My spouse's siblings who are still around will tell you what a wonderful close family they are.

[Anonymous]

Just let her be. My sister is like this, but not to this extreme. At this point in my life, I don't believe in trying to make family members happy at the expense of your own happiness and well being.

If being distant is what she wants. Cool, we will do that. You like it, I love it.

[Anonymous]

I’d be interested to hear the sister’s side of things. Probably quite a bit different than OP’s version.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like your sister may have suffered something terrible during childhood that she has not shared. I think this goes beyond being an introvert. The behavior is off and spells something else happened or happening. Possibly abuse or mental illness. And before you deny abuse I unfortunately know of many families where one child was abused and the others had no knowledge of it.

Since she's willing to communicate and visit you I would start off small and meet her where she is. Let her know you love her and your always available.

Would she accept the occasional phone call from you or text? How about a card or letter?
Show interestsn in her interests ask about the baby.

Could be something tragic happened, or she’s on the spectrum and doesn’t see the need for people. Not sure how that jives with being a wife and new mother now though.

Enough with the everyone has ASD who isn't like you. OP is a nightmare sister and sister has appropriately pulled away.

+1 gazillion.
I'm so sick of people blaming a 'spectrum' for people's abhorrent behavior. Guess what, some people just don't click, some people are just a-holes.
Ditto with 'something tragic' that happened. Ugh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sister has always been an odd duck. Maybe it's the whole "middle child" thing. She always kept to herself, never was the one to share, was very much into privacy. Absolutely hated family gatherings. I swear, one of her biggest wishes was to get sick right before family vacations. Never happened but she was miserable throughout our trips. We all thought she'd outgrow it eventually but it's gotten worse.

She eloped couple years ago without telling anyone. Ok, fine. She had a child we don't get to see at all despite living in the same area. None of us have been to her home. We know where she lives, we drove by her house, but she never invites us. If we want to see her, we can only do that in a public place, like a restaurant or a local park. She always comes alone, no husband, no child. She's been married for 4 years and we've only seen her husband twice!

I cannot comprehend this! None of us can! We are not horrible people. She was not abused (trust me, we asked!), our parents loved us equally. Why is she like this? What did we do wrong? How do we move forward?

Who is we/us in this situation? You and your siblings? Does she have a relationship with your parents?