Odd sister

[Anonymous]

She doesn’t like you. Sounds like you don’t like her either.

[Anonymous]

I have a distant cousin like that. None of her family have ever been into her house. Including the time her brother stopped by to let her know that her mother had died. I believe she's a hoarder, which is probably related to the "not letting people in" stuff. Her kids are pretty nice, though.

Be patient, gentle, periodically reach out, and don't expect very much.

[Anonymous]

If she was out of touch with everyone before the marriage and the kid, things would have no reason to change.

You either don't have all the info or are pretending not to. This didn't happen in a vacuum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some of the your sister's behavior reminds me of my oldest daughter who suffers from depression, anxiety, and OCD. She intensely dislikes most social gatherings. She does not handle vacations well -- new environments stress her out. I suspect your sister has anxiety.

Stop diagnosing people based off your daughter's issues. Instead help fix your kid.

NP. What an asinine comment. She was just sharing her own experience, in case it was helpful. Talk about seeing the worst in people.

[Anonymous]

It’s possible that there’s more to the family dynamic, or that OP’s sister has always felt judged and misunderstood, but I don’t quite understand the level of vitriol toward OP. It’s painful to her that she doesn’t have a relationship with her sister, and that’s totally understandable. There’s a way to gently offer a different perspective to OP without telling her she’s an a-hole, geez.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can't change or fix your relationship with her unless she's willing and interested in doing that as well. All you can do is change yourself. So, accept this is who she is, this is how she operates in the world, check in with her periodically, demonstrate that you care about it, and don't try to force her. The more you push at her, the more she sees that you can't accept her as she is.

PP here and this is spot-on, and avoids demonizing the OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She's just not that into you. Your use of "we" and "us" is concerning. You make it sound like you and your family are one big gang and she is the lonely bad one. You are in a way scapegoating her. If you are so happy and functional that you should be able to accept she is not like you, she is her own person and will not be conforming.So let it go!

Lmaoooo

[Anonymous]

What you're describing could be that she is the swan in a family of ducks but it could be that there is some darker reason. Are you sure that she isn't seeing you on the sly and that her spouse isn't being super controlling? The reason I ask is because it seems weird that she isn't bringing her child with her. Most people want to show off their child to a sibling. Does she show you pictures of her child? Does she talk about her home life at all? Physically is she unharmed, without bruises or odd marks? Does she seem sore or move stiffly? If you think she is being abused, emotionally or physically, then that changes everything about your contact with her.

[Anonymous]

It’s very annoying that OP never came back to respond to the comments here. I find it interesting that so many of us have created an imaginary back story for the sister.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sister has always been an odd duck. Maybe it's the whole "middle child" thing. She always kept to herself, never was the one to share, was very much into privacy. Absolutely hated family gatherings. I swear, one of her biggest wishes was to get sick right before family vacations. Never happened but she was miserable throughout our trips. We all thought she'd outgrow it eventually but it's gotten worse.

She eloped couple years ago without telling anyone. Ok, fine. She had a child we don't get to see at all despite living in the same area. None of us have been to her home. We know where she lives, we drove by her house, but she never invites us. If we want to see her, we can only do that in a public place, like a restaurant or a local park. She always comes alone, no husband, no child. She's been married for 4 years and we've only seen her husband twice!

I cannot comprehend this! None of us can! We are not horrible people. She was not abused (trust me, we asked!), our parents loved us equally. Why is she like this? What did we do wrong? How do we move forward?

Stop expecting her to be who you want her to be and love her for who she is. Maybe then she'll feel comfortable revealing more of herself (including her husband and child). It sounds like you all want her to fit YOUR mold, so no wonder why she keeps her life hidden from you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some of the your sister's behavior reminds me of my oldest daughter who suffers from depression, anxiety, and OCD. She intensely dislikes most social gatherings. She does not handle vacations well -- new environments stress her out. I suspect your sister has anxiety.

+1. I'm an introvert and probably don't call my mom often enough (because a phone call with her IS exhausting!), yet still enjoy having a relationship with and seeing my family. Either we aren't getting the full story about the family dynamic or sister has something else going on.

I am a nerdy introvert raised in a huge, noisy, extroverted extended family. I have a good relationship with my parents and extended family, partly because they accepted and loved me as I was, and didn't treat me like I was weird. There's something beyond the sister being introverted.

This. She knows that you think she is odd. She has presumably always been treated as odd, and that has soured the relationships over the years.

Why do you want to spend time with her? Is it because of a general principle about spending time with family? Is it because you don’t like feeling rejected by her? Is it because you actually like her and enjoy her company? If you do actually enjoy her company, do you think she knows that? If she might not know, how can you show her that you do (without being pushy)?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What you're describing could be that she is the swan in a family of ducks but it could be that there is some darker reason. Are you sure that she isn't seeing you on the sly and that her spouse isn't being super controlling? The reason I ask is because it seems weird that she isn't bringing her child with her. Most people want to show off their child to a sibling. Does she show you pictures of her child? Does she talk about her home life at all? Physically is she unharmed, without bruises or odd marks? Does she seem sore or move stiffly? If you think she is being abused, emotionally or physically, then that changes everything about your contact with her.

Yeah this one of the first things I thought of. Abusers often try to isolate their victims. It’s definitely a possibility.

[Anonymous]

I didn’t get a chance to read all the replies but this sounds like an extreme version of my DH’s relationship with his family. He avoids them as much as possible, goes alone most of the time to obligatory visits, and kids and I see his family maybe once/yr. They have been in our house before though.

He is the family black sheep. He is actually really successful and a great guy- nothing bad going on- but he has always been very very different from the rest of the family (and didn’t meet his family’s expectations regarding religion, career, and basically anything else. His parents are unbelievably critical of him, have always been, and DH has felt very nitpicked/ostracized his whole life.

He does the bare minimum so his conscience is clear, and shields me and the kids. He is worried that the kids will pick up on his family’s attitudes towards him, and disrespect him the the way his family does. He is also worried that anything the kids does is just additional fodder for criticism of him/his parenting, or that the kids will be treated as “less than” the way he has always been- by extension.

If you sister is otherwise normal and doesn’t have any glaring problems (addiction, severe mental illness, abuse etc) it could very well be something like this.

In theory, DH would be willing to become closer to some of his adult siblings (large family) but feels his parents stand in the way of that, and that at this point that ship has sailed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can't change or fix your relationship with her unless she's willing and interested in doing that as well. All you can do is change yourself. So, accept this is who she is, this is how she operates in the world, check in with her periodically, demonstrate that you care about it, and don't try to force her. The more you push at her, the more she sees that you can't accept her as she is.

PP here and this is spot-on, and avoids demonizing the OP.

+1. Obviously we only have one side of the story here, and potentially an incomplete one at that, but it's natural to feel hurt when a family member doesn't want a relationship with you and offers no explanation. Because taking OP's post at face value, it seems like the sister bristles at even minimal contact, and not just with her. Not even letting the grandparents see their grandkid? This kind of goes beyond typical introvert stuff (and I'm saying this as an introvert).

Generally, with relationships it take two to tango. I have two younger sisters who are more extroverted and gregarious than me- the youngest and I have always had an easy relationship, and the two of them talk all the time, but as adults I almost always had to be the one to initiate contact with my middle sister. She rarely calls, and visits younger sister and her family more often. She pretty much told me point blank a couple years ago that it's because conversations on the phone are too one-sided, I'm apparently boring and don't talk enough. So other than setting up occasional Facetime chats between her and my kids, I just stopped initiating. We text, and get along fine when we do see eachother, but I've kind of accepted a more superficial relationship. But could I put more effort into making it less so? Sure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe she knows she was always viewed as a freak and despite that she found love, had her own family, and now wants to minimize contact?

This.