Odd sister

[Anonymous]

I'd guess that your sister, rightfully, never felt truly loved or accepted or valued for who she was. She knew that you thought she was an "odd duck," that you found her personality incomprehensible, that you saw her introversion as something she'd outgrow eventually. Why should she want to spend time or communicate with people who think that she's a weirdo? You say you're "about inclusivity," but I don't see it.

And that's assuming that she was telling you the truth about not being abused. Since she doesn't really trust or get along with you, I'm not sure why you take that at face value. Not to mention, if it was asked like, "Why are you so strange? Were you abused?" it's pretty unlikely you got a truthful answer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What do you like or find interesting about your sister? Why do you want to see her? Have you ever asked her what her favorite type of meetup or communication method is? Do you ever text her to share news or something you thought she’d find interesting without making it clear you expect follow-up?

One of my grown kids gets overwhelmed when the whole family is together, and (just like me) she loathes talking on the phone. Her dad is angry and hurt that she never calls and keeps most visits short, but she and I have funny, delightful text exchanges all the time. A lot of people truly hate feeling pressured, and you have to meet them where they are at and make it clear you enjoy their company any way they like to share it.

I wondered this, too. Do you even like her?

[Anonymous]

Sorry, OP. I think all you are saying is that you do not know nor understand why your sister wants no relationship with the family family, you find it odd and hurtful. However, given your life- long observation of her it is not so surprising as she was always a little odd.

Sounds normal to me ( what you are feeling and expressing.) you do not sound pushy or judgmental.

I am sure it is hard as you now only have a sibling in theory.
Who knows why she is that way. You’ve done all you can ( and certainly normal to discuss with your family) just remain open if she ever does reach out and meet her in the present.

Family dynamics are difficult. I know a few really lovely, close- knit and they make others feel part of it, but most have issues.

[Anonymous]

Some of the your sister's behavior reminds me of my oldest daughter who suffers from depression, anxiety, and OCD. She intensely dislikes most social gatherings. She does not handle vacations well -- new environments stress her out. I suspect your sister has anxiety.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd guess that your sister, rightfully, never felt truly loved or accepted or valued for who she was. She knew that you thought she was an "odd duck," that you found her personality incomprehensible, that you saw her introversion as something she'd outgrow eventually. Why should she want to spend time or communicate with people who think that she's a weirdo? You say you're "about inclusivity," but I don't see it.

This x 100. You're describing her as an odd duck simply bc she's different than you are. If you were to say she marches to the beat of her own drummer or you admire that she goes her own way, I'd be more on board. You sound rigid and judgemental. Ugh. This reminds me of people who think they're accepting but really just believe the world and people "should" behave a certain way and anyone outside of that is a weirdo.

[Anonymous]

She sounds like an introvert whose needs and preferences were constantly ignored and drowned out. I’d be exhausted, too; you sound judgmental and like you don’t take no for an answer.

[Anonymous]

You call her literally an “odd sister.” How about think through how an introvert might feel in a family of intense, judgy people?

[Anonymous]

I think the fact that you don't think you are judgemental, is a huge (HUGE, MASSIVE, ENORMOUS, ROYALLY BIG) part of the problem, OP.

It's very apparent to us reading your posts - I imagine it is at best exhausting, frustrating, and painful for your sister.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some of the your sister's behavior reminds me of my oldest daughter who suffers from depression, anxiety, and OCD. She intensely dislikes most social gatherings. She does not handle vacations well -- new environments stress her out. I suspect your sister has anxiety.

+1. I'm an introvert and probably don't call my mom often enough (because a phone call with her IS exhausting!), yet still enjoy having a relationship with and seeing my family. Either we aren't getting the full story about the family dynamic or sister has something else going on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the fact that you don't think you are judgemental, is a huge (HUGE, MASSIVE, ENORMOUS, ROYALLY BIG) part of the problem, OP.

It's very apparent to us reading your posts - I imagine it is at best exhausting, frustrating, and painful for your sister.

The parents are probably massively judgmental too, since the sister wants nothing to do with them either.

[Anonymous]

It's weird to me that OP doesn't have more insight into her own sister's behavior. This post sounds more like a post about an inlaw than a sibling. I definitely have my quirks (I am very picky about where I stay on holidays and am introverted as well). My siblings may get exasperated or annoyed or gossip about me, but I doubt there's any big mystery about it. It's just the way I am. We have siblings who have absented themselves more radically, and we all understand it. I guess even if we don't understand it, we accept it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some of the your sister's behavior reminds me of my oldest daughter who suffers from depression, anxiety, and OCD. She intensely dislikes most social gatherings. She does not handle vacations well -- new environments stress her out. I suspect your sister has anxiety.

+1. I'm an introvert and probably don't call my mom often enough (because a phone call with her IS exhausting!), yet still enjoy having a relationship with and seeing my family. Either we aren't getting the full story about the family dynamic or sister has something else going on.

I am a nerdy introvert raised in a huge, noisy, extroverted extended family. I have a good relationship with my parents and extended family, partly because they accepted and loved me as I was, and didn't treat me like I was weird. There's something beyond the sister being introverted.

[Anonymous]

She probably has a different view on how she was treated. My parents will say they treated us equally, they didn't. My sister was always horrible to me and they encouraged it as they pitted us up against each other and were always comparing. Honestly, I have zero interest in seeing my family and only did it when my kids were little for them. Now my kids see right through them as they do the same things to them and want nothing to do with them. They were never very nice to my husband or his family (his mom was lovely to me) so I would always have to pick my family or my MIL for holidays. Since we were all my MIL had and she treated me better, I choose her. If I never see them again, I'm fine with it. I am sure my sister will get all the inheritance and our kids have specifically requested if something happens to us that they go with our friends vs. aunt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's weird to me that OP doesn't have more insight into her own sister's behavior. This post sounds more like a post about an inlaw than a sibling. I definitely have my quirks (I am very picky about where I stay on holidays and am introverted as well). My siblings may get exasperated or annoyed or gossip about me, but I doubt there's any big mystery about it. It's just the way I am. We have siblings who have absented themselves more radically, and we all understand it. I guess even if we don't understand it, we accept it.

Because she's probably the problem and doesn't want to believe she had anything to do with the distance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some of the your sister's behavior reminds me of my oldest daughter who suffers from depression, anxiety, and OCD. She intensely dislikes most social gatherings. She does not handle vacations well -- new environments stress her out. I suspect your sister has anxiety.

Stop diagnosing people based off your daughter's issues. Instead help fix your kid.