Odd sister

[Anonymous]

My sister has always been an odd duck. Maybe it's the whole "middle child" thing. She always kept to herself, never was the one to share, was very much into privacy. Absolutely hated family gatherings. I swear, one of her biggest wishes was to get sick right before family vacations. Never happened but she was miserable throughout our trips. We all thought she'd outgrow it eventually but it's gotten worse.

She eloped couple years ago without telling anyone. Ok, fine. She had a child we don't get to see at all despite living in the same area. None of us have been to her home. We know where she lives, we drove by her house, but she never invites us. If we want to see her, we can only do that in a public place, like a restaurant or a local park. She always comes alone, no husband, no child. She's been married for 4 years and we've only seen her husband twice!

I cannot comprehend this! None of us can! We are not horrible people. She was not abused (trust me, we asked!), our parents loved us equally. Why is she like this? What did we do wrong? How do we move forward?

[Anonymous]

You can't change or fix your relationship with her unless she's willing and interested in doing that as well. All you can do is change yourself. So, accept this is who she is, this is how she operates in the world, check in with her periodically, demonstrate that you care about it, and don't try to force her. The more you push at her, the more she sees that you can't accept her as she is.

[Anonymous]

Meet her where she is. It's clear she has some strong boundaries up about how your family interacts. If you want a relationship, meet her on her terms. Make it as positive as possible.

If she finally feels SEEN maybe she'll stop avoiding you all. Or not. But either way the relationship will stay positive, which is really the end goal.

[Anonymous]

You sound seriously pushy.

She's an introvert. She likes boundaries. Lots and lots of people aren't people who like to "share" and they're MUCH more likely to button things up when they feel like others don't respect that. She is probably moving the goal post because you (and others) keep being invasive and pushy.

Leave her be, or meet her where she's comfortable.

[Anonymous]

I wonder if you are very judgmental.

[Anonymous]

Maybe she knows she was always viewed as a freak and despite that she found love, had her own family, and now wants to minimize contact?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sister has always been an odd duck. Maybe it's the whole "middle child" thing. She always kept to herself, never was the one to share, was very much into privacy. Absolutely hated family gatherings. I swear, one of her biggest wishes was to get sick right before family vacations. Never happened but she was miserable throughout our trips. We all thought she'd outgrow it eventually but it's gotten worse.

She eloped couple years ago without telling anyone. Ok, fine. She had a child we don't get to see at all despite living in the same area. None of us have been to her home. We know where she lives, we drove by her house, but she never invites us. If we want to see her, we can only do that in a public place, like a restaurant or a local park. She always comes alone, no husband, no child. She's been married for 4 years and we've only seen her husband twice!

I cannot comprehend this! None of us can! We are not horrible people. She was not abused (trust me, we asked!), our parents loved us equally. Why is she like this? What did we do wrong? How do we move forward?

OP, I think you want what you want, and as such, you may have always been that way. She might have always felt pushed by you and/or your family.

I remember a study where a large, loving, boisterous family didn't understand why one child (who was treated like all the rest) was withdrawn. It was determined that what was great for the other kids was overstimulating to the nervous system of the withdrawn kid. This is foundational for the theory that you can't treat kids exactly the same, because each kid is an individual with individual needs and biology.

As has been stated, you have to meet your sister where your sister is, find ways to accommodate her if you want a relationship. As is, it feels very much like some other posts and posters on DCUM who have had to cut family members out of their lives in order to keep the boundaries they need for their own well being.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if you are very judgmental.

I am not judgmental. But I am about inclusivity, esp. when it comes to family. I can understand when you don't want to be around a member of the family or two, but EVERYONE? She doesn't come to any of our family events, she doesn't host her own. I get it, she's an introvert, but even introverts talk to people once in a while. When she calls our parents, they treat it like a miracle. She does it so randomly. We didn't even find out about her elopement until months later. When she had a child, she called our parents a month later. Again, we all live in the area. You don't need any help? That's fine. But at least make an effort to communicate with us.

[Anonymous]

Just accept her for who she is. Stop pushing. Yes, it's weird, but weird people can be awesome.

[Anonymous]

She's just not that into you. Your use of "we" and "us" is concerning. You make it sound like you and your family are one big gang and she is the lonely bad one. You are in a way scapegoating her. If you are so happy and functional that you should be able to accept she is not like you, she is her own person and will not be conforming.So let it go!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if you are very judgmental.

I am not judgmental. But I am about inclusivity, esp. when it comes to family. I can understand when you don't want to be around a member of the family or two, but EVERYONE? She doesn't come to any of our family events, she doesn't host her own. I get it, she's an introvert, but even introverts talk to people once in a while. When she calls our parents, they treat it like a miracle. She does it so randomly. We didn't even find out about her elopement until months later. When she had a child, she called our parents a month later. Again, we all live in the area. You don't need any help? That's fine. But at least make an effort to communicate with us.

But you are judgmental. Saying she has always been an "odd duck" is by definition judgmental. Who's to say that how she behaved was/is odd? It could very well be just different from how you and the rest of your family behave.

As to your parents treating her calls like a miracle, that sounds as if really the heart of this is jealousy and irritation that your parents feel grateful for anything they get from her. But you've wrapped it all up in you want to be inclusive. I think you need to examine your own motives, OP, and be honest with yourself.

[Anonymous]

Just because you asked about abuse doesn’t mean you know the truth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sister has always been an odd duck. Maybe it's the whole "middle child" thing. She always kept to herself, never was the one to share, was very much into privacy. Absolutely hated family gatherings. I swear, one of her biggest wishes was to get sick right before family vacations. Never happened but she was miserable throughout our trips. We all thought she'd outgrow it eventually but it's gotten worse.

You're 100% judgmental. You just took who she is, labeled her as odd, and then let us know that during this time you (and your family) never tried to understand her...but instead assumed she'd eventually "fix" herself...because I guess her oddities are something she needed to get over.

You sound "lovely" OP.....

[Anonymous]

It sounds like your sister may have suffered something terrible during childhood that she has not shared. I think this goes beyond being an introvert. The behavior is off and spells something else happened or happening. Possibly abuse or mental illness. And before you deny abuse I unfortunately know of many families where one child was abused and the others had no knowledge of it.

Since she's willing to communicate and visit you I would start off small and meet her where she is. Let her know you love her and your always available.

Would she accept the occasional phone call from you or text? How about a card or letter?
Show interestsn in her interests ask about the baby.

[Anonymous]

What do you like or find interesting about your sister? Why do you want to see her? Have you ever asked her what her favorite type of meetup or communication method is? Do you ever text her to share news or something you thought she’d find interesting without making it clear you expect follow-up?

One of my grown kids gets overwhelmed when the whole family is together, and (just like me) she loathes talking on the phone. Her dad is angry and hurt that she never calls and keeps most visits short, but she and I have funny, delightful text exchanges all the time. A lot of people truly hate feeling pressured, and you have to meet them where they are at and make it clear you enjoy their company any way they like to share it.