DH judgmental about alcohol

[Anonymous]

Wtf is "refreshing cocktail"? Two hard alcoholic drink a night is too much drinking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wtf is "refreshing cocktail"? Two hard alcoholic drink a night is too much drinking.

Refreshing a cocktail is making yourself a new one, adding more bitters or spirits or ice, a new mixer, etc. Have you ever been to a cocktail party, a dinner party, a barbecue, or any kind of party?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wtf is "refreshing cocktail"? Two hard alcoholic drink a night is too much drinking.

Refreshing a cocktail is making yourself a new one, adding more bitters or spirits or ice, a new mixer, etc. Have you ever been to a cocktail party, a dinner party, a barbecue, or any kind of party?

No. They have not. They obviously don’t get invited to parties, not with that moralizing, judgmental attitude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband just lost both of his parents which brings up all sorts of emotions including unpleasant ones from his childhood related to their alcoholism.

And you are confused about this?


I hate to say it but given your husband's background odds are very high you have more of a problem with alcohol than you realize.

+1
This poster nailed it!

[Anonymous]

Who the hell uses the phrase..."refresh a cocktail"? Especially at a "bonafire"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where did the OP write that she is losing drinking time? Did she provide an update? Am I more blind than I think?

I never did, some posters just decided to bring their own biases to bear and rip me a new one . I'm the OP. I don't care about "losing drinking time." I do care about suddenly being told what to do, even if it's as harmless as having drinks with friends outdoors once a week. It's really hard. I feel I'm being watched. And it's not just me - he makes snide comments about this own friends having beers outdoors too, and made some comment about a booze commercial last night.

I see. I think that some pp has a serious issue if she wrote such a thing. Sorry for thinking it was you.
My grandpa was an abusive alcoholic and my mom had a "nervous breakdown" every time dad drank, hence creating a huge fight. She expected a fight and abuse, and eventually, she did everything she could to cause a fight and a major scene. Hence I used to expect any gathering with friends and family with trepidation and anxiety. Many went great though, but even if mom did not cause a scene in front of guests, she put such insane pressure on me and my sister that I hated gatherings for a long time.
DH's father also had an abusive dad, who was also a bit of a drunk, at least according to FIL. FIL makes a huge deal about any holiday making every single holiday into enormous drama. He will not attend, he hates these things. So he signs up to work for holidays, but then after that, he creates a huge scene and stops answering his cell when we call to wish him a happy Christmas, Thanksgiving, etc. Then texting us that he might as well be dead with guilt trips. Somehow he is yet again making sure that he has a miserable day and doesn't see it is all of his own creation. When he does attend holidays, he makes some scenes during the gathering, without fail. Clearly not this past year.
My point in writing this is that from what I learned from FIL and mom is that they refused to get help for their issues with their parents and made all of us nervous in turn, creating generational apprehension about a glass of wine! My sister lives on the second floor of my mom's house(dad passed) and will have wine on the weekend, she is not a drinker, she barely drinks, and yet she never has wine in front of my mom. This has become so bad at one point that mom was so nervous and having us set the table!!! for Christmas 3 days ahead! Funny, right? How these things become a self-fulfilling prophecy!
Anyway, sorry about the War and Peace here. I hope this helps you understand your DH's reasons for this, and that perhaps you and he find some help he needs to and perhaps you too, to understand where he is coming from. It would be great if he could work on his issues before your kids, if you have them now or in the future, end up like my sister and me and DH to some extent. Scared of every gathering and worried about mom and dad having a huge fight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who the hell uses the phrase..."refresh a cocktail"? Especially at a "bonafire"?

Bonfire.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband's parents were alcoholics. Both recently died (not alcohol-related) - his dad just two months ago.
Since they died, he has been very odd about alcohol use. He does not drink due to his parents. However, he really never cared if I drank or not.
Lately, though, he's been incredibly judgmental and touchy. I refreshed my cocktail yesterday and he made a comment. Tonight, friends came over and he said, "Don't come in hammered!"
Just little comments. Friends came over (his friends) last week and he was weird about his friend bringing beer over...Although this is something that has happened for many years.

I like to drink. I don't suffer from alcoholism. It plays no role in my life beyond a stress reliever/social lubricant from time to time. Yet now he's making all sorts of comments. I am wondering if he's maybe even tempted to drink and envious?? I don't know how to handle it. It has truly never been an issue in our relationship until his parents died.

Help??

If you are using alcohol as a "stress reliever/social lubricant," you may be experiencing grey area drinking. There is a difference between grey area drinking and substance abuse. Your husband just lost his parents and comes from an alcoholic background. As a loving, supportive spouse, abstaining from alcohol or at least temporarily is a kind thing to do. If alcohol is more important than a personal relationship, that is definitely a red flag.

Why should she abstain and for how long? Her husband needs to deal with his issues. She can’t fix them for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who the hell uses the phrase..."refresh a cocktail"? Especially at a "bonafire"?

Oh, people who speak the English language fluently.

[Anonymous]

It’s a truth worth repeating, that if your spouse believes you have a problem with alcohol, you have a problem with alcohol. Your desire to cast this in different terms (husband is newly controlling due to death of parents), is that part of your subconscious mind, which is terrified of losing that to which it is addicted. Someone without an emotional or physical dependency would gladly refrain from drinking during husband’s grieving period, the first time he expressed his feelings about it. Read Annie Grace, This Naked Mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s a truth worth repeating, that if your spouse believes you have a problem with alcohol, you have a problem with alcohol. Your desire to cast this in different terms (husband is newly controlling due to death of parents), is that part of your subconscious mind, which is terrified of losing that to which it is addicted. Someone without an emotional or physical dependency would gladly refrain from drinking during husband’s grieving period, the first time he expressed his feelings about it. Read Annie Grace, This Naked Mind.

The issue isn't not drinking. It's that my spouse hasn't been forthright with me or spoken to me about it. It's been passive-aggressive comments to me and about our friends engaging in behavior that he has been fine with for many years.

In fact, after reading this thread, I asked him if he would like me to abstain. He said no and said he did not want to discuss it right now.

I don't care about not drinking. I have gone years at a time without drinking due to pregnancy, a health issue, etc. I do care about being berated and yelled at. Not everyone who drinks is an alcoholic, so please don't project.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where did the OP write that she is losing drinking time? Did she provide an update? Am I more blind than I think?

I never did, some posters just decided to bring their own biases to bear and rip me a new one . I'm the OP. I don't care about "losing drinking time." I do care about suddenly being told what to do, even if it's as harmless as having drinks with friends outdoors once a week. It's really hard. I feel I'm being watched. And it's not just me - he makes snide comments about this own friends having beers outdoors too, and made some comment about a booze commercial last night.

I see. I think that some pp has a serious issue if she wrote such a thing. Sorry for thinking it was you.
My grandpa was an abusive alcoholic and my mom had a "nervous breakdown" every time dad drank, hence creating a huge fight. She expected a fight and abuse, and eventually, she did everything she could to cause a fight and a major scene. Hence I used to expect any gathering with friends and family with trepidation and anxiety. Many went great though, but even if mom did not cause a scene in front of guests, she put such insane pressure on me and my sister that I hated gatherings for a long time.
DH's father also had an abusive dad, who was also a bit of a drunk, at least according to FIL. FIL makes a huge deal about any holiday making every single holiday into enormous drama. He will not attend, he hates these things. So he signs up to work for holidays, but then after that, he creates a huge scene and stops answering his cell when we call to wish him a happy Christmas, Thanksgiving, etc. Then texting us that he might as well be dead with guilt trips. Somehow he is yet again making sure that he has a miserable day and doesn't see it is all of his own creation. When he does attend holidays, he makes some scenes during the gathering, without fail. Clearly not this past year.
My point in writing this is that from what I learned from FIL and mom is that they refused to get help for their issues with their parents and made all of us nervous in turn, creating generational apprehension about a glass of wine! My sister lives on the second floor of my mom's house(dad passed) and will have wine on the weekend, she is not a drinker, she barely drinks, and yet she never has wine in front of my mom. This has become so bad at one point that mom was so nervous and having us set the table!!! for Christmas 3 days ahead! Funny, right? How these things become a self-fulfilling prophecy!
Anyway, sorry about the War and Peace here. I hope this helps you understand your DH's reasons for this, and that perhaps you and he find some help he needs to and perhaps you too, to understand where he is coming from. It would be great if he could work on his issues before your kids, if you have them now or in the future, end up like my sister and me and DH to some extent. Scared of every gathering and worried about mom and dad having a huge fight.

Thank you - OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s a truth worth repeating, that if your spouse believes you have a problem with alcohol, you have a problem with alcohol. Your desire to cast this in different terms (husband is newly controlling due to death of parents), is that part of your subconscious mind, which is terrified of losing that to which it is addicted. Someone without an emotional or physical dependency would gladly refrain from drinking during husband’s grieving period, the first time he expressed his feelings about it. Read Annie Grace, This Naked Mind.

The issue isn't not drinking. It's that my spouse hasn't been forthright with me or spoken to me about it. It's been passive-aggressive comments to me and about our friends engaging in behavior that he has been fine with for many years.

In fact, after reading this thread, I asked him if he would like me to abstain. He said no and said he did not want to discuss it right now.

I don't care about not drinking. I have gone years at a time without drinking due to pregnancy, a health issue, etc. I do care about being berated and yelled at. Not everyone who drinks is an alcoholic, so please don't project.

OP I think you just need to have a conversation with him as soon as he calms down a bit. You are talking past each other. As you point out, the real issue isn’t drinking, it’s about how he’s treating you. So that’s where the focus needs to be. I would say be vulnerable and let him know his feelings toward drinking are understandable but behavior is hurting you and is totally unacceptable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wtf is "refreshing cocktail"? Two hard alcoholic drink a night is too much drinking.

Refreshing a cocktail is making yourself a new one, adding more bitters or spirits or ice, a new mixer, etc. Have you ever been to a cocktail party, a dinner party, a barbecue, or any kind of party?

No. They have not. They obviously don’t get invited to parties, not with that moralizing, judgmental attitude.

This was on Friday night during Covid times. I feel bad for you if you need hard booze at a barbeque. Do you have social anxiety? I know people like OP - I'll just have a glass of wine at 5 PM; two hours later, the whole bottle is gone.

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/national/wp/2016/12/23/nine-charts-that-show-how-white-women-are-drinking-themselves-to-death/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wtf is "refreshing cocktail"? Two hard alcoholic drink a night is too much drinking.

Refreshing a cocktail is making yourself a new one, adding more bitters or spirits or ice, a new mixer, etc. Have you ever been to a cocktail party, a dinner party, a barbecue, or any kind of party?

No. They have not. They obviously don’t get invited to parties, not with that moralizing, judgmental attitude.

This was on Friday night during Covid times. I feel bad for you if you need hard booze at a barbeque. Do you have social anxiety? I know people like OP - I'll just have a glass of wine at 5 PM; two hours later, the whole bottle is gone.

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/national/wp/2016/12/23/nine-charts-that-show-how-white-women-are-drinking-themselves-to-death/

Wow, you know a whole lot about her from a couple of posts. Well, I know people like you—sanctimonious twats who everyone avoids.