DH judgmental about alcohol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If drinking alcohol is causing a problem, the solution is to talk about it and maybe quit drinking. It's not worth arguing. If it's offered while having friends over say no thank you and watch how happy your husband will be. You really don't need to drink to have a nice time. But if you choose booze over your husband your marriage will fall apart.

The smell of liquor on someone's breath is gross. Your husband is telling you he doesn't want you to drink and you're defensive because you do.

To me the choice is easy but I don't need to drink.

The issue is that someone is imposing a decision on someone else. Fine for husband not to drink but not to dictate wife's behavior, particularly if it's not harmful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DCUM is the worst. My husband suddenly doesn’t like alcohol = YOU must be an alcoholic!

It's more like my husband lost his parents in a short amount of time, his parents were alcoholics, he's now concerned about my drinking. Instead of being concerned about my husband, I'm upset about losing drinking time, but I don't have a problem with alcohol.

You're extrapolating. Nobody said they were upset about losing "drinking time." But having your spouse suddenly critical is a life-altering change. Read thru the lens of facts, not your own preconceptions, emotions, or bias.

That's literally what the OP said. However, you ignoring that because you don't like that people are saying OP should be less concerned about drinking with friends and more concerned about her husband. You may have a problem with alcohol too, pp and that clouding your lens.

Please find in the original post where it says, "I am losing drinking time."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're doing cocktails on a weekday at home? Your friends came over today to drink beers?

Are you writing from a monastery?

Pretty much! I honestly didn’t know people were hanging out indoors with friends. For the cocktail part, if my husband was doing multiple cocktails by himself on a week night, I would definitely comment on that.

You have a very strict view of alcohol. Last night I had a beer, tonight two glasses of wine. Tomorrow I may drink something, I may not. It’s all good. There’s no problem.

Maybe I do. I’m European though! I stopped drinking and smoking completely in my mid twenties and my tolerance is now inexistent. I get that it’s a pleasure for most people, but it’s also an addiction and it can get out of hand easily. Drinking in a social setting is one thing but drinking alone on a random day to escape your worries is a slippery slope. Particularly during this pandemic where we are all vulnerable. There’s a whole “mom needs a glass of wine” mentality going on currently that minimizes alcoholism in women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband's parents were alcoholics. Both recently died (not alcohol-related) - his dad just two months ago.
Since they died, he has been very odd about alcohol use. He does not drink due to his parents. However, he really never cared if I drank or not.
Lately, though, he's been incredibly judgmental and touchy. I refreshed my cocktail yesterday and he made a comment. Tonight, friends came over and he said, "Don't come in hammered!"
Just little comments. Friends came over (his friends) last week and he was weird about his friend bringing beer over...Although this is something that has happened for many years.

I like to drink. I don't suffer from alcoholism. It plays no role in my life beyond a stress reliever/social lubricant from time to time. Yet now he's making all sorts of comments. I am wondering if he's maybe even tempted to drink and envious?? I don't know how to handle it. It has truly never been an issue in our relationship until his parents died.

Help??

Does it change your personality? Are you mean or embarrassing?

My husband isn’t technically an alcoholic but every time he drinks, he’s a fool and often mean. Not ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're doing cocktails on a weekday at home? Your friends came over today to drink beers?

Are you writing from a monastery?

Pretty much! I honestly didn’t know people were hanging out indoors with friends. For the cocktail part, if my husband was doing multiple cocktails by himself on a week night, I would definitely comment on that.

You have a very strict view of alcohol. Last night I had a beer, tonight two glasses of wine. Tomorrow I may drink something, I may not. It’s all good. There’s no problem.

Maybe I do. I’m European though! I stopped drinking and smoking completely in my mid twenties and my tolerance is now inexistent. I get that it’s a pleasure for most people, but it’s also an addiction and it can get out of hand easily. Drinking in a social setting is one thing but drinking alone on a random day to escape your worries is a slippery slope. Particularly during this pandemic where we are all vulnerable. There’s a whole “mom needs a glass of wine” mentality going on currently that minimizes alcoholism in women.

So true. I’ve been thinking about this. Many American suburban women wear their drinking habit like a badge of honor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're doing cocktails on a weekday at home? Your friends came over today to drink beers?

Are you writing from a monastery?

Pretty much! I honestly didn’t know people were hanging out indoors with friends. For the cocktail part, if my husband was doing multiple cocktails by himself on a week night, I would definitely comment on that.

You have a very strict view of alcohol. Last night I had a beer, tonight two glasses of wine. Tomorrow I may drink something, I may not. It’s all good. There’s no problem.

Maybe I do. I’m European though! I stopped drinking and smoking completely in my mid twenties and my tolerance is now inexistent. I get that it’s a pleasure for most people, but it’s also an addiction and it can get out of hand easily. Drinking in a social setting is one thing but drinking alone on a random day to escape your worries is a slippery slope. Particularly during this pandemic where we are all vulnerable. There’s a whole “mom needs a glass of wine” mentality going on currently that minimizes alcoholism in women.

So true. I’ve been thinking about this. Many American suburban women wear their drinking habit like a badge of honor.

And urban and rural men...And ....

[Anonymous]

I'm on your husband's side.

Also, we're in a catastrophic viral surge, so don't have guests over, particularly not if you take off your mask to eat or drink!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're doing cocktails on a weekday at home? Your friends came over today to drink beers?

Are you writing from a monastery?

Pretty much! I honestly didn’t know people were hanging out indoors with friends. For the cocktail part, if my husband was doing multiple cocktails by himself on a week night, I would definitely comment on that.

You have a very strict view of alcohol. Last night I had a beer, tonight two glasses of wine. Tomorrow I may drink something, I may not. It’s all good. There’s no problem.

You know this is something people who have a problem with drinking say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're doing cocktails on a weekday at home? Your friends came over today to drink beers?

Are you writing from a monastery?

Pretty much! I honestly didn’t know people were hanging out indoors with friends. For the cocktail part, if my husband was doing multiple cocktails by himself on a week night, I would definitely comment on that.

You have a very strict view of alcohol. Last night I had a beer, tonight two glasses of wine. Tomorrow I may drink something, I may not. It’s all good. There’s no problem.

Maybe I do. I’m European though! I stopped drinking and smoking completely in my mid twenties and my tolerance is now inexistent. I get that it’s a pleasure for most people, but it’s also an addiction and it can get out of hand easily. Drinking in a social setting is one thing but drinking alone on a random day to escape your worries is a slippery slope. Particularly during this pandemic where we are all vulnerable. There’s a whole “mom needs a glass of wine” mentality going on currently that minimizes alcoholism in women.

So true. I’ve been thinking about this. Many American suburban women wear their drinking habit like a badge of honor.

This. The thing that I find most concerning about OP is her total callousness towards her husband because she wants to drink. Her need to drink is above her relationship and compassion for her husband. She has zero desire toto understand where he's comping from or any empathy. Her only concern in this post is continuing to drink and having friends over to drink.

[Anonymous]

What does “losing drinking time” mean?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband's parents were alcoholics. Both recently died (not alcohol-related) - his dad just two months ago.
Since they died, he has been very odd about alcohol use. He does not drink due to his parents. However, he really never cared if I drank or not.
Lately, though, he's been incredibly judgmental and touchy. I refreshed my cocktail yesterday and he made a comment. Tonight, friends came over and he said, "Don't come in hammered!"
Just little comments. Friends came over (his friends) last week and he was weird about his friend bringing beer over...Although this is something that has happened for many years.

I like to drink. I don't suffer from alcoholism. It plays no role in my life beyond a stress reliever/social lubricant from time to time. Yet now he's making all sorts of comments. I am wondering if he's maybe even tempted to drink and envious?? I don't know how to handle it. It has truly never been an issue in our relationship until his parents died.

Help??

I’ll play devils advocate. Stop drinking for a week and see what he says. He clearly needs therapy, but can you stop drinking?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're doing cocktails on a weekday at home? Your friends came over today to drink beers?

Are you writing from a monastery?

Pretty much! I honestly didn’t know people were hanging out indoors with friends. For the cocktail part, if my husband was doing multiple cocktails by himself on a week night, I would definitely comment on that.

You have a very strict view of alcohol. Last night I had a beer, tonight two glasses of wine. Tomorrow I may drink something, I may not. It’s all good. There’s no problem.

You know this is something people who have a problem with drinking say.

It’s also something people who don’t have a problem with alcohol say. For people like you, the only acceptable answer is zero alcohol consumption. Luckily you’re not in charge of me. You’re basically like an always-Trumper about alcohol—if you don’t get the answer you want, it must be a lie. Sorry, there are tons of people who consume alcohol responsibly and moderately, but that doesn’t suit your worldview, so you ignore it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband just lost both of his parents which brings up all sorts of emotions including unpleasant ones from his childhood related to their alcoholism.

And you are confused about this?


I hate to say it but given your husband's background odds are very high you have more of a problem with alcohol than you realize.

Your logic is illogical.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think he's hyper attuned to any alcohol consumption due to the recent deaths. Try not take too personally, hopefully it's temporary.

Exactly this. His comments, as annoying and perhaps inappropriate as they are, are made out of genuine concern for your health. You definitely need to not take them personally and see and maybe even appreciate where he is coming from. You owe him that. I don’t think you necessarily have an alcohol problem or that you need to quit drinking, but your life will be a lot better if you recognize and honor where he is coming from. You can tell him his comments bother you but also let him know you get that he cares about you and is maybe afraid for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband just lost both of his parents which brings up all sorts of emotions including unpleasant ones from his childhood related to their alcoholism.

And you are confused about this?


I hate to say it but given your husband's background odds are very high you have more of a problem with alcohol than you realize.

Why would someone have an issue with alcohol, given a spouse's background and parents?

NP here. I agree with the first PP and I don't think I can make you understand, but yes, OP's husband's background (losing both parents to alcoholism!) and a horrible childhood related to alcoholic parents does not "mean" that his spouse has an issue with alcohol. It means the spouse is especially attuned to people with alcohol issues, and that his wife probably doesn't recognize that she has an issue, but her husband is noticing it.

OR it means that he is traumatized and now thinks everyone is an alcoholic. He’s even uncomfortable with a friend of many years bringing over beer. You and first PP are really making things up.