DH judgmental about alcohol

[Anonymous]

My husband's parents were alcoholics. Both recently died (not alcohol-related) - his dad just two months ago.
Since they died, he has been very odd about alcohol use. He does not drink due to his parents. However, he really never cared if I drank or not.
Lately, though, he's been incredibly judgmental and touchy. I refreshed my cocktail yesterday and he made a comment. Tonight, friends came over and he said, "Don't come in hammered!"
Just little comments. Friends came over (his friends) last week and he was weird about his friend bringing beer over...Although this is something that has happened for many years.

I like to drink. I don't suffer from alcoholism. It plays no role in my life beyond a stress reliever/social lubricant from time to time. Yet now he's making all sorts of comments. I am wondering if he's maybe even tempted to drink and envious?? I don't know how to handle it. It has truly never been an issue in our relationship until his parents died.

Help??

[Anonymous]

Your husband just lost both of his parents which brings up all sorts of emotions including unpleasant ones from his childhood related to their alcoholism.

And you are confused about this?


I hate to say it but given your husband's background odds are very high you have more of a problem with alcohol than you realize.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband just lost both of his parents which brings up all sorts of emotions including unpleasant ones from his childhood related to their alcoholism.

And you are confused about this?


I hate to say it but given your husband's background odds are very high you have more of a problem with alcohol than you realize.

Why would someone have an issue with alcohol, given a spouse's background and parents?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband just lost both of his parents which brings up all sorts of emotions including unpleasant ones from his childhood related to their alcoholism.

And you are confused about this?


I hate to say it but given your husband's background odds are very high you have more of a problem with alcohol than you realize.

Why would someone have an issue with alcohol, given a spouse's background and parents?

NP here. I agree with the first PP and I don't think I can make you understand, but yes, OP's husband's background (losing both parents to alcoholism!) and a horrible childhood related to alcoholic parents does not "mean" that his spouse has an issue with alcohol. It means the spouse is especially attuned to people with alcohol issues, and that his wife probably doesn't recognize that she has an issue, but her husband is noticing it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband just lost both of his parents which brings up all sorts of emotions including unpleasant ones from his childhood related to their alcoholism.

And you are confused about this?


I hate to say it but given your husband's background odds are very high you have more of a problem with alcohol than you realize.

+1 And you don't need to be a full-blown alcoholic to have "issues" with alcohol.

[Anonymous]

How is this not that the husband is an alcoholic? DW is drinking in front of of a barely controlled alcoholic, yes? His parents died and now he is beside himself with craving???

[Anonymous]

You're doing cocktails on a weekday at home? Your friends came over today to drink beers?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband just lost both of his parents which brings up all sorts of emotions including unpleasant ones from his childhood related to their alcoholism.

And you are confused about this?


I hate to say it but given your husband's background odds are very high you have more of a problem with alcohol than you realize.

Why would someone have an issue with alcohol, given a spouse's background and parents?

NP here. I agree with the first PP and I don't think I can make you understand, but yes, OP's husband's background (losing both parents to alcoholism!) and a horrible childhood related to alcoholic parents does not "mean" that his spouse has an issue with alcohol. It means the spouse is especially attuned to people with alcohol issues, and that his wife probably doesn't recognize that she has an issue, but her husband is noticing it.

We also have a tendency to repeat our childhoods and the family life we grew up with including the traumatic bits unless we do a lot of work to avoid it, people are often attracted to partners who are like their parents in good ways and in bad ways children of narcissists often choose a narcissistic mate, children of alcoholics often do the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're doing cocktails on a weekday at home? Your friends came over today to drink beers?

Are you writing from a monastery?

[Anonymous]

OP is an alcoholic because her spouse's parents were? Huh?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How is this not that the husband is an alcoholic? DW is drinking in front of of a barely controlled alcoholic, yes? His parents died and now he is beside himself with craving???

This is a valid possibility too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How is this not that the husband is an alcoholic? DW is drinking in front of of a barely controlled alcoholic, yes? His parents died and now he is beside himself with craving???

What are you talking about? Her husband doesn't drink, due to his parents. That clearly was the case long before they finally died of their alcoholism. He is not an alcoholic or "beside himself with craving."

[Anonymous]

Several good theories on this thread

1) Seeing OP drinking is bringing up horrible childhood memories related to his parents drinking that their deaths have brought to the forefront

2) He's very worried about his own mortality and dying now that his parents did, and he sees alcoholism as leading to death

3) He is irritable/depressed/grieving and alcohol is a flashpoint for him because of his childhood

4) OP does have a drinking problem and his parents' death has now caused him to focus on it.

[Anonymous]

I guess Fauci is right about where the spread comes from right now!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're doing cocktails on a weekday at home? Your friends came over today to drink beers?

Are you writing from a monastery?

Pretty much! I honestly didn’t know people were hanging out indoors with friends. For the cocktail part, if my husband was doing multiple cocktails by himself on a week night, I would definitely comment on that.