dad seeking woman who doesn't have and doesn't want kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I'm not sure I understand the selfish/take take take part. I was not trying to suck them into my world of parenting. Instead, I'm looking for an adult companion. Someone to spend time with as an adult. But I also take the point that maybe I should at least be open to a women who wants to step into a parental role.

Tennis - that's a great idea.

Are you not at all involved with your kids? Like you have a Nanny do everything for you? Don't go to sports or school activities? Don't take them to appointments or care for them while sick?

Then, I guess it's no baggage on you or your potential partner but you are probably a terrible Father.

Gee, thanks. Actually, I have 50/50. I don't rely on help any more than my ex does - we share a sitter who sometimes picks up the kids from school and bridges until we get home from work. I do plenty of after school and weekend activities with my kids. I'm also free after they go to bed on half the days and entirely free on the other 50% of the days (except of course sometimes there's a game or a recital I'll want go to). What are you talking about with appointments? Last I checked, people don't ordinarily go on dates during regular business hours.

So, you want her to sit around and wait for you and you'll be kind enough to see her when you don't have your kids and feel like it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Okay, but what happens if heaven forbid something happens to your wife and your kids have to come live with you and your new woman then what?

Or if your kid wants to live with you then what?

OK, if she wants to be in my kids' life, great. My main points (which maybe I didn't explain well at the beginning) are that I don't want to add kids to my life and that I'm not trying to find someone to be their mommy, but if it developed in a way that they wanted to be involved, I'm fine with that.

Another point on this (OP again): I feel like some women would think I'm looking for someone to come and take over the household, relieve me of parenting duties, and basically sub in for my ex wife. In fact, some of the posts on this thread seem to have taken even my original post that way (the selfish/take take take posts come to mind), even though I thought I was pretty clear that that's not what I was going for. I'm a self-sufficient parent, I grocery shop, I keep my house neat, I do my own laundry, I supervise homework, I register the kids for sports, etc. That's all I meant by not thinking of her as adopting a parental role. But really, if she wants to be like an aunt or a big sister or a stepmom - however she wants to be involved in their lives, that's good with me. The more good people in their life, the better for them. And ultimately it would make it easier to spend time with her, especially in the long term.

Look, what it's called when you marry the parent of minor children and you're a woman is "stepmom." Not aunt or big sister (are you sure you're not looking for 25 year olds??). That's what she'd be, regardless of how self-sufficient you are. You're looking for a woman who, if your relationship is successful, would be the stepmother to your kids. There's nothing wrong with that. But a woman who is in her 30s and cool with being stepmom is likely also going to want her own kids. Literally all you have to do to solve this is date women your own age.

But probably the hardest to do too lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks. I see. I guess it's more that I don't want to have new/more kids in my orbit. So if the woman doesn't have kids and is happy to become a stepmom to mine without having her own kids, that could work for me and maybe not be as hard to find?

Why would they want to date somebody who has kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First, two baby mamas make you not so attractive, so you'd better have a big bank account to up your value.

Next, no, you're not looking for a unicorn. There are many women who will have no interest in your kids. The problem is, she'll want you to also have no interest in your kids.

Wait! OP has 2 i=different women as mothers to his children and is 45 and doesn't want to date anyone over 30? This is a mess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First, two baby mamas make you not so attractive, so you'd better have a big bank account to up your value.

Next, no, you're not looking for a unicorn. There are many women who will have no interest in your kids. The problem is, she'll want you to also have no interest in your kids.

Wait! OP has 2 i=different women as mothers to his children and is 45 and doesn't want to date anyone over 30? This is a mess.

I think the PP misread "2 involved parents" as 2 mothers, but OP meant him and his one ex wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First, two baby mamas make you not so attractive, so you'd better have a big bank account to up your value.

Next, no, you're not looking for a unicorn. There are many women who will have no interest in your kids. The problem is, she'll want you to also have no interest in your kids.

Wait! OP has 2 i=different women as mothers to his children and is 45 and doesn't want to date anyone over 30? This is a mess.

No, I do not. Someone made that up. I have one ex, who is the mother of both my kids. I also never said I didn't want to date anyone over 30. I even said I was not trying to find a 25 year old. The people who are making stuff up are the mess.

[Anonymous]

OP wants a friend with benefits not a partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First, two baby mamas make you not so attractive, so you'd better have a big bank account to up your value.

Next, no, you're not looking for a unicorn. There are many women who will have no interest in your kids. The problem is, she'll want you to also have no interest in your kids.

Wait! OP has 2 i=different women as mothers to his children and is 45 and doesn't want to date anyone over 30? This is a mess.

No, I do not. Someone made that up. I have one ex, who is the mother of both my kids. I also never said I didn't want to date anyone over 30. I even said I was not trying to find a 25 year old. The people who are making stuff up are the mess.

You said the idea of dating women your own age was hard to swallow. A woman in her thirties does not want to date a man who has kids in elementary school but doesn’t want any more kids. You need to target women around your age. There are plenty of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I'm not sure I understand the selfish/take take take part. I was not trying to suck them into my world of parenting. Instead, I'm looking for an adult companion. Someone to spend time with as an adult. But I also take the point that maybe I should at least be open to a women who wants to step into a parental role.

Tennis - that's a great idea.

Are you not at all involved with your kids? Like you have a Nanny do everything for you? Don't go to sports or school activities? Don't take them to appointments or care for them while sick?

Then, I guess it's no baggage on you or your potential partner but you are probably a terrible Father.

Gee, thanks. Actually, I have 50/50. I don't rely on help any more than my ex does - we share a sitter who sometimes picks up the kids from school and bridges until we get home from work. I do plenty of after school and weekend activities with my kids. I'm also free after they go to bed on half the days and entirely free on the other 50% of the days (except of course sometimes there's a game or a recital I'll want go to). What are you talking about with appointments? Last I checked, people don't ordinarily go on dates during regular business hours.

So, you want her to sit around and wait for you and you'll be kind enough to see her when you don't have your kids and feel like it?

This is such a weird comment. Why would she be sitting around waiting for him? She would probably be out having a life like a normal person. Do you sit around waiting for your husband or children all day? I don't understand. I don't think he ever said, 'I want to find someone who will never engage with my kids'. I really don't get the point you're trying to make. You know you don't have to be joined at the hip with your significant other, you can go do things yourself, you don't have to sit and wait for them all day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks. I see. I guess it's more that I don't want to have new/more kids in my orbit. So if the woman doesn't have kids and is happy to become a stepmom to mine without having her own kids, that could work for me and maybe not be as hard to find?

Why would they want to date somebody who has kids?

This. My DH has this delusion that if we broke up, he'd find some good looking young-ish woman (under 35) to be with him. He's 48 and I'm 39. I have told him no young-ish woman wants middle aged dad bod with a toddler and an ex-wife. That's like the LAST thing any single quality woman worth her salt would want. On top of that he's impotent (seriously) so he'd have to find that unicorn woman in her early 30s that neither wants kids and wants to take care of his young child. Smh so delusional

[Anonymous]

While I think you could potentially get lucky (perhaps a woman who likes kids but doesn’t like babies and toddlers) I think your best bet is to skew your search older. You are 45 - aim for women in their mid-late 40s. There, you’ll run into 1) women who wanted kids but missed their fertile window, who might be thrilled at the possibility of being a step mom down the road and 2) women who have children, but their children are grown or nearly grown. A 47 year old who had kids at 28 and 30 is one year away from being an empty nester, and by the time you got serious, her kids would be adults. They’re still a consideration, of course, but not at the level that minor children are.

[Anonymous]

This thread is making me very glad I’m not dating at my current age if 35... apparently men think my cohort is desperate! Trying to imagine a 45 yr old suggesting I join his life has a “big sister” to his kids. ????

If I didn’t want kids, I’d be looking for a childless guy who makes as much money as I do and who wants to travel internationally every chance we get. Oh, and ski. It’d be great if he had a boat. Honestly I walked away from a fair few relationships where guys didn’t want kids. Women who don’t want kids come at a dating market “premium” way before 35, and punch above their weight in the dating market, since a lot more successful men want that DINK lifestyle than successful women.

Hopefully OP is okay with chubby and 38, or fit and 44.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP wants a friend with benefits not a partner.

Which actually will work out for a lot of women. Not many older women want to marry somebody who would get sick and die first anyway.

[Anonymous]

Just get a FWB. Plenty of women open to that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First, two baby mamas make you not so attractive, so you'd better have a big bank account to up your value.

Next, no, you're not looking for a unicorn. There are many women who will have no interest in your kids. The problem is, she'll want you to also have no interest in your kids.

Wait! OP has 2 i=different women as mothers to his children and is 45 and doesn't want to date anyone over 30? This is a mess.

No, I do not. Someone made that up. I have one ex, who is the mother of both my kids. I also never said I didn't want to date anyone over 30. I even said I was not trying to find a 25 year old. The people who are making stuff up are the mess.

You said the idea of dating women your own age was hard to swallow. A woman in her thirties does not want to date a man who has kids in elementary school but doesn’t want any more kids. You need to target women around your age. There are plenty of them.

Again, no, I didn't say that. I said that limiting myself to 45+ was hard to swallow because of how narrow the pool of potential matches becomes, which is definitely not the same as dating my own age is hard to swallow. I don't have a fixed age range in mind. Maybe 35-50? Someone who's fit at whatever age (as am I). She doesn't have to be rich, but I'm also not interested in being a sugar daddy.

Anyway, there have been a lot of helpful posts. Thanks for those.