dad seeking woman who doesn't have and doesn't want kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s too bad there are no personals ads anymore because you could advertise: “Single and infertile but interested in a life with MY kids? Call 301-whatever-whatever.”

Haha. I actually have a friend who would have been into this. Married at 21 and unsuccessfully tried to have kids for 12-13 years, divorced at 35. Married 2 years later to a guy with kids in late elementary. She is, however, a very involved stepmom.

But... if she got pregnant or a new fertility technology came along... she’d still want one. Different than OP’s hope of someone who would want to be on BC.

[Anonymous]

OP--I'm 47 and childless. I like kids and work as a nanny and would be OK being in a relationship with someone who has kids. I am not the only person out there like this. You will likely have to compromise in some way--she may be overweight or not earn a high income or something. She will quite likely be over 40-45. Yes, it's a unicorn, but every pot has its lid. You can find this person if you generally broaden your search criteria.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Okay, but what happens if heaven forbid something happens to your wife and your kids have to come live with you and your new woman then what?

Or if your kid wants to live with you then what?

OK, if she wants to be in my kids' life, great. My main points (which maybe I didn't explain well at the beginning) are that I don't want to add kids to my life and that I'm not trying to find someone to be their mommy, but if it developed in a way that they wanted to be involved, I'm fine with that.

Another point on this (OP again): I feel like some women would think I'm looking for someone to come and take over the household, relieve me of parenting duties, and basically sub in for my ex wife. In fact, some of the posts on this thread seem to have taken even my original post that way (the selfish/take take take posts come to mind), even though I thought I was pretty clear that that's not what I was going for. I'm a self-sufficient parent, I grocery shop, I keep my house neat, I do my own laundry, I supervise homework, I register the kids for sports, etc. That's all I meant by not thinking of her as adopting a parental role. But really, if she wants to be like an aunt or a big sister or a stepmom - however she wants to be involved in their lives, that's good with me. The more good people in their life, the better for them. And ultimately it would make it easier to spend time with her, especially in the long term.

[Anonymous]

Your only choice is someone who wanted children but couldn't have them due to timing or infertility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. Yes, I see the age issue. Makes sense, but limiting myself to, say, 45+ is a little hard to swallow at this point. (It's not about trying to find a 25 year old. It's just that that's creating a pretty shallow pool.) I also take the point about dating other divorced people when they don't have their kids, but that requires enough overlap of our non-kid days, so I haven't been optimistic about that working, but maybe. And there have been a few replies from people saying they'd be into this, which gives some hope that they're maybe not quite unicorns.

But, everyone who said they’d go for it were closer to/over your age. Stop trying to find a 30 something. I’m a 30 something. All of my friends are still “kids maybe” even the ones who are “but probably not.”

Yep. I posted earlier. I’m mid forties and will date divorced dads but in my thirties? No way

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s too bad there are no personals ads anymore because you could advertise: “Single and infertile but interested in a life with MY kids? Call 301-whatever-whatever.”

Haha. I actually have a friend who would have been into this. Married at 21 and unsuccessfully tried to have kids for 12-13 years, divorced at 35. Married 2 years later to a guy with kids in late elementary. She is, however, a very involved stepmom.

But... if she got pregnant or a new fertility technology came along... she’d still want one. Different than OP’s hope of someone who would want to be on BC.

I (OP) never said anything about birth control. (I had a vasectomy, so no issue there ... and yes, I would be open about that.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Okay, but what happens if heaven forbid something happens to your wife and your kids have to come live with you and your new woman then what?

Or if your kid wants to live with you then what?

OK, if she wants to be in my kids' life, great. My main points (which maybe I didn't explain well at the beginning) are that I don't want to add kids to my life and that I'm not trying to find someone to be their mommy, but if it developed in a way that they wanted to be involved, I'm fine with that.

Another point on this (OP again): I feel like some women would think I'm looking for someone to come and take over the household, relieve me of parenting duties, and basically sub in for my ex wife. In fact, some of the posts on this thread seem to have taken even my original post that way (the selfish/take take take posts come to mind), even though I thought I was pretty clear that that's not what I was going for. I'm a self-sufficient parent, I grocery shop, I keep my house neat, I do my own laundry, I supervise homework, I register the kids for sports, etc. That's all I meant by not thinking of her as adopting a parental role. But really, if she wants to be like an aunt or a big sister or a stepmom - however she wants to be involved in their lives, that's good with me. The more good people in their life, the better for them. And ultimately it would make it easier to spend time with her, especially in the long term.

Yes. We get it. But you’re going to have to compromise on some stuff because this is not a great deal for the typical woman, triply so if she’s of childbearing age. So for women who want this, and who are fit and pretty, there are lots of divorced men who want her and your competition is much fiercer. You clearly have it in your head that she should be 30-something, fit, and self-sufficient financially. Well, that’s definitely a unicorn, given your baggage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Okay, but what happens if heaven forbid something happens to your wife and your kids have to come live with you and your new woman then what?

Or if your kid wants to live with you then what?

OK, if she wants to be in my kids' life, great. My main points (which maybe I didn't explain well at the beginning) are that I don't want to add kids to my life and that I'm not trying to find someone to be their mommy, but if it developed in a way that they wanted to be involved, I'm fine with that.

Another point on this (OP again): I feel like some women would think I'm looking for someone to come and take over the household, relieve me of parenting duties, and basically sub in for my ex wife. In fact, some of the posts on this thread seem to have taken even my original post that way (the selfish/take take take posts come to mind), even though I thought I was pretty clear that that's not what I was going for. I'm a self-sufficient parent, I grocery shop, I keep my house neat, I do my own laundry, I supervise homework, I register the kids for sports, etc. That's all I meant by not thinking of her as adopting a parental role. But really, if she wants to be like an aunt or a big sister or a stepmom - however she wants to be involved in their lives, that's good with me. The more good people in their life, the better for them. And ultimately it would make it easier to spend time with her, especially in the long term.

The selfishness is that you want her to give up what she genuinely wants for herself (no kids) and you're not saying in any way what you will provide in return. All take, no give. Access to sex is not in short supply for most women, and it's so "hard to swallow" for you to consider dating someone your own age because you think you're a catch who deserves someone a decade younger that she should be happy to not only give up her own goals for herself but also settle for a middle aged divorced guy. Take, take, take.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s too bad there are no personals ads anymore because you could advertise: “Single and infertile but interested in a life with MY kids? Call 301-whatever-whatever.”

Haha. I actually have a friend who would have been into this. Married at 21 and unsuccessfully tried to have kids for 12-13 years, divorced at 35. Married 2 years later to a guy with kids in late elementary. She is, however, a very involved stepmom.

But... if she got pregnant or a new fertility technology came along... she’d still want one. Different than OP’s hope of someone who would want to be on BC.

I (OP) never said anything about birth control. (I had a vasectomy, so no issue there ... and yes, I would be open about that.)

And OP’s friend was only 35 and wanted kids. So why she would be happy raising yours, why would she want to close even the miracle baby door if you’re sterile?? That’s my point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Okay, but what happens if heaven forbid something happens to your wife and your kids have to come live with you and your new woman then what?

Or if your kid wants to live with you then what?

OK, if she wants to be in my kids' life, great. My main points (which maybe I didn't explain well at the beginning) are that I don't want to add kids to my life and that I'm not trying to find someone to be their mommy, but if it developed in a way that they wanted to be involved, I'm fine with that.

Another point on this (OP again): I feel like some women would think I'm looking for someone to come and take over the household, relieve me of parenting duties, and basically sub in for my ex wife. In fact, some of the posts on this thread seem to have taken even my original post that way (the selfish/take take take posts come to mind), even though I thought I was pretty clear that that's not what I was going for. I'm a self-sufficient parent, I grocery shop, I keep my house neat, I do my own laundry, I supervise homework, I register the kids for sports, etc. That's all I meant by not thinking of her as adopting a parental role. But really, if she wants to be like an aunt or a big sister or a stepmom - however she wants to be involved in their lives, that's good with me. The more good people in their life, the better for them. And ultimately it would make it easier to spend time with her, especially in the long term.

Look, what it's called when you marry the parent of minor children and you're a woman is "stepmom." Not aunt or big sister (are you sure you're not looking for 25 year olds??). That's what she'd be, regardless of how self-sufficient you are. You're looking for a woman who, if your relationship is successful, would be the stepmother to your kids. There's nothing wrong with that. But a woman who is in her 30s and cool with being stepmom is likely also going to want her own kids. Literally all you have to do to solve this is date women your own age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s too bad there are no personals ads anymore because you could advertise: “Single and infertile but interested in a life with MY kids? Call 301-whatever-whatever.”

Haha. I actually have a friend who would have been into this. Married at 21 and unsuccessfully tried to have kids for 12-13 years, divorced at 35. Married 2 years later to a guy with kids in late elementary. She is, however, a very involved stepmom.

But... if she got pregnant or a new fertility technology came along... she’d still want one. Different than OP’s hope of someone who would want to be on BC.

I don't know, she seems pretty over it. After that many years of infertility, the destruction of her marriage, and now being 40 I think she's past the stage of a biological child being anywhere on her radar and is focused on moving forward with life as-is. I can't say how she would feel if she somehow got pregnant, but she is for sure not interested in any kind of fertility technology.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s too bad there are no personals ads anymore because you could advertise: “Single and infertile but interested in a life with MY kids? Call 301-whatever-whatever.”

Haha. I actually have a friend who would have been into this. Married at 21 and unsuccessfully tried to have kids for 12-13 years, divorced at 35. Married 2 years later to a guy with kids in late elementary. She is, however, a very involved stepmom.

But... if she got pregnant or a new fertility technology came along... she’d still want one. Different than OP’s hope of someone who would want to be on BC.

I don't know, she seems pretty over it. After that many years of infertility, the destruction of her marriage, and now being 40 I think she's past the stage of a biological child being anywhere on her radar and is focused on moving forward with life as-is. I can't say how she would feel if she somehow got pregnant, but she is for sure not interested in any kind of fertility technology.

Ah but she’s 40! OP no longer interested.

[Anonymous]

You are being unrealistic. Women who do not want kids do not want a man with kids.

Your choices are

1. a 30s woman and you be willing to have another kid

2. A woman 42+

3. A divorced woman (30s or 40s) with kids who does not want to blend families (that is your best bet)

I am an early 40s woman with kids; I do not want to blend families. I am dating a man who is 40 who does not want kids. I will never remarry. I just want a boyfriend.

You need to adjust your expectations.

[Anonymous]

First, two baby mamas make you not so attractive, so you'd better have a big bank account to up your value.

Next, no, you're not looking for a unicorn. There are many women who will have no interest in your kids. The problem is, she'll want you to also have no interest in your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Okay, but what happens if heaven forbid something happens to your wife and your kids have to come live with you and your new woman then what?

Or if your kid wants to live with you then what?

OK, if she wants to be in my kids' life, great. My main points (which maybe I didn't explain well at the beginning) are that I don't want to add kids to my life and that I'm not trying to find someone to be their mommy, but if it developed in a way that they wanted to be involved, I'm fine with that.

Another point on this (OP again): I feel like some women would think I'm looking for someone to come and take over the household, relieve me of parenting duties, and basically sub in for my ex wife. In fact, some of the posts on this thread seem to have taken even my original post that way (the selfish/take take take posts come to mind), even though I thought I was pretty clear that that's not what I was going for. I'm a self-sufficient parent, I grocery shop, I keep my house neat, I do my own laundry, I supervise homework, I register the kids for sports, etc. That's all I meant by not thinking of her as adopting a parental role. But really, if she wants to be like an aunt or a big sister or a stepmom - however she wants to be involved in their lives, that's good with me. The more good people in their life, the better for them. And ultimately it would make it easier to spend time with her, especially in the long term.

No one wants to parent your kids but what is it you really want in a relationship. She be there at your beck and call and when your kids are there, disappear and not participate and when they are at their mom's you get to play single guy and live it up. I think we see why you are divorced as marriage is not a partnership for you.