Reply to I grieved end of marriage, now he wants to work on it

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]If he wants to be a good husband, op, let him… to you.

People don’t really talk about what it takes to have a good marriage.  Men especially don’t have any exposure to good marriages, books and tv shows geared to them usually show girlfriends or love interests.  If they do show wives, it’s the man kissing the wife good-bye, or coming home, or finally at the end of the movie deciding he wants to quit his job and be with his wife… the movie about the FBI spy from a few years back comes to mind.  The movie Apollo 13 is one of my all time favorite movies, and while I write this,I am realizing that the only sex scene if you can even call it that is between the bachelor astronaut and a random girl, it’s not even clear if she’s a girlfriend of any long term standing.  The scenes between the married astronauts and their wives are the astronauts either leaving to fly either real flights or simulations, or coming home and being so focused on their flying that they totally miss how their kids are dressed for Halloween.  They miss it with good cheer which is what saves the scene, but they do miss it.

If men talk at all, it’s usually to say “my wife handles all that” or “my wife is a bitch.”

It’s a rare sister or mom that will tell her brother or son to take his wife out or do anything sweet.  Our generation especially was raised by women who told us to “take ourselves out” “you don’t need a man to do that for you” “If you want it, go get it”

There is nothing wrong with saying to your husband “Bill’s wife may handle everything, and your sister may not need date nights, but I’m not Bill’s wife, and I’m not your sister”. Or to say “That’s funny, the last time I saw Bill’s wife, she was in tears because he wasn’t home to help her so of course she handled it”.

I wouldn’t divorce, at least not yet.  Let your husband be the person you fell in love with.  If you can’t remember that person, approach him like a boyfriend but with the contract to be nice and love you already in place.  You can also be nice to him and treat him in ways (nice ways) that you wouldn’t normally treat a boyfriend of a few weeks or months.

Know that divorce won’t solve everything.  You’ll probably want to date again, though this time you’ll have your kids to think about.  Nobody will care about the kids as much as you and your husband do.

Your kids will deffinately ask about why you divorced and you will need to have truthful answers.  This will be harder for them if they see Dad happily partnered with another woman.  Plus, do you really want to see your husband being a wonderful husband to someone else and think “I taught him everything he knows”.   I remember some of my parents friends who are divorced and thinking “Why couldn’t the two of you have worked it out, you both like the same things, you both seem like nice people, whatever happened couldn’t have been that bad”.

Given that you didn’t leave after whatever happened at the precovid dinner, it sounds like your marriage has hit a garden variety bad patch.  Please don’t blame covid for why you stayed, covid hasn’t changed the world as much as everybody thinks.  People are still marrying, divorcing, having babies, buying and selling houses, the world is still spinning just like it always has.

Finally, ditch the individual therapy.  That person is only interested in you, not your marriage, not your kids, you.  As nice as that may be, know that if you give him or data on how bad your husband is, he or she will say “leave him”.  That is their job description.  They only get one version of events complete with the shading you provide.

I’d drop the individual therapy and focus on your marriage.  Your kids are fun ages and your husband wants to try.  I’d give it a shot before you end the marriage.

It[/quote]

What would you say to OP if she never loved, only liked as a friend, her DH when they married? The problem may be much deeper.[/quote]

That she is an idiot.  That she never should have settled.  Dumb, dumb, dumbie.[/quote]

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