I'm finding this application process pretty stressful

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m sort of... floored here. Lots of 18-year-olds manage to research colleges and fill out applications by the due date. If you have to nag your child to get each step done, they are going to flounder in college, no matter where they get in.

I don't know about this. I was definitely my kid's executive assistant for the college application process, but so far, she is thriving in college. She feels really motivated by her Honors College peers who live right down the hall. In high school, she didn't have this kind of peer group.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would have tried to help her come up with a system to remember what to do when.

I would have talked him through the possible consequences of not making those deadlines. (Which, if you were not being melodramatic, would probably mean enrolling in a less prestigious private school, rather than a community college. There are always second tier private schools that have spaces left in the spring.)

I would have really praised any progress/independence/maturity he showed.

BUT, I would have started letting him experience the natural consequences of his actions at a younger age. I suspect your kid would not like that. He might have learned from that. It just sounds like this is the dance you two do, and he has that figured out. So he can do what he feels like because you will always step in rather than let him "fail."

It might have made a difference to be less of a rescuer when he was younger. OR, this is just how your kid is, and he will pay the price eventually. OR you will continue, even when he is in college to try to save him from the consequences of his choices. I don't think the latter is a good formula for raising responsible adults.

+1

A voice of reason. Do not do the work for your child, it will bite them hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not sure if this deserves a separate thread or not, but my DC is not receiving responses to follow-up emails about their letter of recommendation from one teacher. This teacher agreed to write the rec last spring and teaches the subject that DC wants to major in at college. Being fully DL, it is impossible for DC to connect with the teacher through any means other than email. DC has contacted her counselor about this, but the teacher is still AWOL and Nov 1 is approaching.

Have any of your DCs experienced this?

Yes. But he requested letters from 4 teachers before February break. He decided to do this knowing that he needed a couple of them early. Two uploaded by June. He reminded the other two by emailing something like this:

This teacher is an AP and also an alum of one of the colleges DS is applying to. Note the word strong...it gives the teacher an out if they don't feel strongly about student and also reassures student that they will write a strong letter

Subject: LOR reminder

Mr. XY,

Hope all is well. I'm sorry if I'm imposing. Are you still considering writing a strong letter of recommendation for me? I'm applying to a couple of colleges early and need your letter by September 29th. Your letter is important because you mentioned that l I'd be a good fit for your (alma mater). If you've changed your mind, I understand. If you need any additional info, please let me know. I've attached my updated resume and brag sheet that Ms. XX required for her letter.

Look forward to seeing you in the halls when hybrid starts.

Again, thank you so much!

Sorry, but I think "strong" is too much. I am a professor and have been asked for recommendations from MANY students. None ever used language in their request which suggested what direction my letter should take.

It is understood that if you would not write a positive letter, you should decline. No need to to interject "strong." I think it is ill advised.

I understand and respect that it may be a turn off for some teachers. My son is very easy going and has a respectful relationship with the teachers he asked. It worked for him. Four teacher letters are uploaded. They emailed DS when they uploaded. The teacher above sent him an email, "Done! Don't send it to any colleges except (alma mater)." Now he can choose which of the other letters work for specific schools.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is their life, not yours. Sure, help them with a spreadsheet, and then let go. They either meet the deadlines or they end up at Community College...

+1

Unless you plan on helicoptering your children through college and their professional lives, just let them figure it out. If they can’t, community college is a better fit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is their life, not yours. Sure, help them with a spreadsheet, and then let go. They either meet the deadlines or they end up at Community College...

Community College is not part of our family's plans. We will do what's necessary to maximize my family members' outcome and CC does not fit that bill. You can choose not to.

It is not "your family's outcome." It is his (or hers) alone. They have to attend college solo, and succeed for fail there. You are not helping them prepare for those years by being too quick to jump in and save them now.

By doing this now, I'm freeing him up to focus on his school and essays. We teach our kids to swim, not throw them in the water and hope they survive. Assuming I do nothing and he ends up at a CC, his lifetime earnings and lifestyle will be impacted. How dumb that you'd be OK with that? Depends on the family, I suppose..

I was not dumb. I raised a responsible kid who did what she had to and got into 7 schools, with 7 merit scholarships.


She accomplished all of that because I had taught HER to handle such tasks, not because I did them for her.

I am sorry your child is not like that. I have certainly helped my child in the past. All I am asking you to consider is whether this has been your pattern all along, so your child relies on it.

Kids like that sometimes crash and burn at college they have NO practice managing their own lives. Just a word of caution.

Sorry if I came across as mean. Your child is probably a go-getter who's normally on top of things and takes full responsibility. Mine is selective in terms what he wants to focus on so in areas where he is not, we need to push him or help out. I'd rather he get to a good college and let him fail than fail now and go to CC.
Question for you.. what would you have done if your daughter did not show much initiative with college apps knowing fully well how smart she is would you have let her fail and go to CC?

I don’t consider CC failing. I think it’s great for people who are late bloomers or not sure what they want to do out of high school and don’t want to waste money. Often times someone transfers to an even higher ranked university than he/she would have gotten into out of high school. So it’s not failing and I’d be proud of my daughter for being mature enough to make that decision.

[Anonymous]

Wow, things have really changed since I applied to college about 20 years ago. I don’t think my parents knew any of the various deadlines or pieces of the applications and definitely didn’t know which teachers I asked for recs (let alone writing the requests for me) or what I wrote my essays about. They took me to visit colleges but I handled the entire app process myself soup to nuts. Kept track of the deadlines, filled out the apps (by hand back then), compiled everything and mailed it off. Was accepted to multiple Ivys. I wasn’t planning on doing what it sounds like most on this thread are doing for my kids (still in elementary) but maybe I’ll be in for a rude awakening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sort of... floored here. Lots of 18-year-olds manage to research colleges and fill out applications by the due date. If you have to nag your child to get each step done, they are going to flounder in college, no matter where they get in.

I don't know about this. I was definitely my kid's executive assistant for the college application process, but so far, she is thriving in college. She feels really motivated by her Honors College peers who live right down the hall. In high school, she didn't have this kind of peer group.

I helped my daugther a lot with the application process - kept her on track, sat down with her while she filled apps. out, filled out the transcript request, etc. She just wasn't as motivated to do the applications, nor did she quite understand the importance of getting the apps. in early. She is thriving in college so far! She indicates that she is keeping up with assignments, she contacts her teachers if she has issues, etc.

Filling out 8-10 college applications, having different methods of sending them, having to contact the teachers to remind them about LOR, contact the counselors to send the transcripts, write essays, fill out the College Board form to get SATs sent, contact the community college where she did dual enrollment classes to send transcripts is a heck of a lot of work for one person - on top of keeping up with high school classes. Add in the stress of Covid this year, and it can make anyone want to put it off.

So no, having to nag your child to get each step done does not mean they will flounder in college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, things have really changed since I applied to college about 20 years ago. I don’t think my parents knew any of the various deadlines or pieces of the applications and definitely didn’t know which teachers I asked for recs (let alone writing the requests for me) or what I wrote my essays about. They took me to visit colleges but I handled the entire app process myself soup to nuts. Kept track of the deadlines, filled out the apps (by hand back then), compiled everything and mailed it off. Was accepted to multiple Ivys. I wasn’t planning on doing what it sounds like most on this thread are doing for my kids (still in elementary) but maybe I’ll be in for a rude awakening.

This was my experience as well. The only role my parents had was discussing what was and was not realistic from a financial standpoint. Every step of the application process, I handled myself. Things haven't changed. The handful of nutjobs posting here are extreme outliers. Very few parents are this heavily involved in their kids' college application process, let alone stressed about it.

[Anonymous]

-For those who applied 20 years ago, the process has changed! When you child applies to multiple schools + keeping up their GPA in AP classes + extra curriculars, it is A LOT!

-All CC’s are not created equal. You are very fortunate in DCUM land that a certain GPA guarantees acceptance to UVA, UMD etc. Do you realize that does not happen in other states?
Additionally, not all credits are accepted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, things have really changed since I applied to college about 20 years ago. I don’t think my parents knew any of the various deadlines or pieces of the applications and definitely didn’t know which teachers I asked for recs (let alone writing the requests for me) or what I wrote my essays about. They took me to visit colleges but I handled the entire app process myself soup to nuts. Kept track of the deadlines, filled out the apps (by hand back then), compiled everything and mailed it off. Was accepted to multiple Ivys. I wasn’t planning on doing what it sounds like most on this thread are doing for my kids (still in elementary) but maybe I’ll be in for a rude awakening.

Come back when they’re HS seniors and let us know how it’s going. It may be great and they’re off to the races with applications, or you may be in the same boat as a lot of us here.

FWIW, I have two kids. First one highly organized and motivated, she had it all handled (graduated college in the spring). Second one? Stereotypical disorganized, resistant-to-doing-applications boy. He’s in the midst of applications now and complete opposite of my daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:-For those who applied 20 years ago, the process has changed! When you child applies to multiple schools + keeping up their GPA in AP classes + extra curriculars, it is A LOT!

-All CC’s are not created equal. You are very fortunate in DCUM land that a certain GPA guarantees acceptance to UVA, UMD etc. Do you realize that does not happen in other states?
Additionally, not all credits are accepted.

+1. When I applied to UMD 30+ years ago, it was insanely easy and as a MD resident with a B average and 1000 on your SATs, you were pretty much guaranteed admittance. I hadn’t taken an AP class in my life and had zero extracurriculars. And tuition was only $2400 a year.

Stakes are MUCH higher now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, things have really changed since I applied to college about 20 years ago. I don’t think my parents knew any of the various deadlines or pieces of the applications and definitely didn’t know which teachers I asked for recs (let alone writing the requests for me) or what I wrote my essays about. They took me to visit colleges but I handled the entire app process myself soup to nuts. Kept track of the deadlines, filled out the apps (by hand back then), compiled everything and mailed it off. Was accepted to multiple Ivys. I wasn’t planning on doing what it sounds like most on this thread are doing for my kids (still in elementary) but maybe I’ll be in for a rude awakening.

This was my experience as well. The only role my parents had was discussing what was and was not realistic from a financial standpoint. Every step of the application process, I handled myself. Things haven't changed. The handful of nutjobs posting here are extreme outliers. Very few parents are this heavily involved in their kids' college application process, let alone stressed about it.

+1

I hope you are accurate, or this does not bode well for those students whose parents are over involved and well, coddling.

[Anonymous]

As to the coddling, I’m noy sure giving assistance is coddling,

The kids are doing this while many of them are doing college level classwork largely on their own. My son turned 17 three months ago and it is a lot to manage at the same time, especially when they can’t see teachers or counselors in person. When I applied, we did applications over winter break. The process starts much earlier now,

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is their life, not yours. Sure, help them with a spreadsheet, and then let go. They either meet the deadlines or they end up at Community College...

Community College is not part of our family's plans. We will do what's necessary to maximize my family members' outcome and CC does not fit that bill. You can choose not to.

It is not "your family's outcome." It is his (or hers) alone. They have to attend college solo, and succeed for fail there. You are not helping them prepare for those years by being too quick to jump in and save them now.

By doing this now, I'm freeing him up to focus on his school and essays. We teach our kids to swim, not throw them in the water and hope they survive. Assuming I do nothing and he ends up at a CC, his lifetime earnings and lifestyle will be impacted. How dumb that you'd be OK with that? Depends on the family, I suppose..

I was not dumb. I raised a responsible kid who did what she had to and got into 7 schools, with 7 merit scholarships.


She accomplished all of that because I had taught HER to handle such tasks, not because I did them for her.

I am sorry your child is not like that. I have certainly helped my child in the past. All I am asking you to consider is whether this has been your pattern all along, so your child relies on it.

Kids like that sometimes crash and burn at college they have NO practice managing their own lives. Just a word of caution.

Sorry if I came across as mean. Your child is probably a go-getter who's normally on top of things and takes full responsibility. Mine is selective in terms what he wants to focus on so in areas where he is not, we need to push him or help out. I'd rather he get to a good college and let him fail than fail now and go to CC.
Question for you.. what would you have done if your daughter did not show much initiative with college apps knowing fully well how smart she is would you have let her fail and go to CC?

I don’t consider CC failing. I think it’s great for people who are late bloomers or not sure what they want to do out of high school and don’t want to waste money. Often times someone transfers to an even higher ranked university than he/she would have gotten into out of high school. So it’s not failing and I’d be proud of my daughter for being mature enough to make that decision.

Nope. The highest ranked college you can get into out of CC in the NoVa area is UVA. We are aiming higher. If we were not operating in this bizzaroworld of nonsense ECs, fencing, and shadow affirmative action for multiple groups except for whites/asian males, my kid would be a shoo-in pretty much everywhere. Why would I want to let them go the CC route just to get into UVA?!

[Anonymous]

My kid is a white boy with no LDs, and there is no way in hell I am going to let him think that someone with his advantages is also entitled to have a woman sparing him the tedium of administrative grunt work.

We’ve offered advice and suggestions, and I’d read his applications if he wanted me to (he doesn’t), but he’s the one going to college.

And anyone thinking it’s harder now is younger than I, who applied in an era before the Common App was in wide use and before most families have a personal computer.