Does a blended family actually work?

[Anonymous]

Did you all get along with your step siblings before the marriage? I ask because my kid and my SO’s kid are very close currently and as only children each they often pretend they are siblings and giggle when people think they are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sucks to be the kid in this situation, even well into adulthood. I don’t have strong feelings about my step siblings-they are average people but we just never really connected. Our parents married when we were 6, 9, 10, 11, and 15, and we weren’t really raised together.

EVEN NOW, things like weddings, holidays, etc are just frustrating. We even have very little drama or conflict, but we just aren’t all that interested in each other, but yet our parents are STILL, three decades later, trying to play happy family and “blend” us. I don’t hate my step siblings, but I don’t really want to spend several days with them every Christmas, even if I’d like to see my dad. And I’m not really wanting to host all of them, even if I’d like to see just my dad, he doesn’t want to leave his wife at Christmas and she doesn’t want to miss Christmas with her kids in their city.

And we are a family where things have turned out relatively well and I still hate this situation.

Maybe try to see your dad alone on nonholiday times

Pp here. Wow you just magically solved all my problems! Why did I never think of that?/s

I do see my dad on his own during nonholiday times, but also I’d like to spend holidays sometimes with him. Also, Christmas is when I have leave. Also at play is my dad and stepmom wanting all of us to be together for holidays. It’s exhausting. I’ve already got a mom and a stepdad and step siblings on their side, plus my in laws (also divorced). It makes for very complicated extended family dynamics, even when things aren’t dysfunctional they are still deeply complex when so many people are involved.

New poster -- my story is different but I can definitely identify with ongoing parental pressure/delusion of playing happy blended family well into adulthood for everyone. The warning here is to the parents. I know, you want to believe everyone is happy and -- my favorite -- "resilient." Your kids may act that way, to please you or to quiet you, for a long, long time. Sorry, my stepbrother will never be my brother, nice guy and all but hello I am 45 and have had enough.

This. My steprelatives are normal and perfectly okay people, but I just DGAF. I'm too old, too busy, and too tired to play Fake Happy Family. It's just too hard to work out all the travel and work and school schedules and where everyone sleeps and everything. The whole thing is a pain. It's better than my dad being alone, but I would 1000x rather just have a normal family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don’t need more kids.

Agree. It’s completely unfair to existing kids.

[Anonymous]

How would you feel if your ex had more kids? It puts your kid dead last behind a spouse, and new kids. It’s really hard to come in last.

[Anonymous]

If you guys are well off, that helps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did you all get along with your step siblings before the marriage? I ask because my kid and my SO’s kid are very close currently and as only children each they often pretend they are siblings and giggle when people think they are.

What a childish way to look at a serious situation. Just because small children enjoy each other's company RIGHT NOW doesn't mean that it will make for a happy family. Those kids will get older and they will notice differences in how they are treated, not just by their bio parent but by extended family.

Let's say there is a budget issue in the household. One kid's extended family buys them a nice bike. The other kid can't get one because there is no child support coming in and it's not affordable. If you are the bio parent of the first kid, do you take the bike away because your SO's kid won't be able to have one? If your kid is the second one, how do you explain that they need to adjust to these kinds of experiences because they will keep happening? Don't you think resentment will build - not just in kids, but in parents?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you all get along with your step siblings before the marriage? I ask because my kid and my SO’s kid are very close currently and as only children each they often pretend they are siblings and giggle when people think they are.

What a childish way to look at a serious situation. Just because small children enjoy each other's company RIGHT NOW doesn't mean that it will make for a happy family. Those kids will get older and they will notice differences in how they are treated, not just by their bio parent but by extended family.

Let's say there is a budget issue in the household. One kid's extended family buys them a nice bike. The other kid can't get one because there is no child support coming in and it's not affordable. If you are the bio parent of the first kid, do you take the bike away because your SO's kid won't be able to have one? If your kid is the second one, how do you explain that they need to adjust to these kinds of experiences because they will keep happening? Don't you think resentment will build - not just in kids, but in parents?

Come on now, who actually treats children this way?!?!? If this is how people treat stepchildren of course there will be problems, but for the life of me I don’t understand how parents would let this happen in actuality. Seems like people are looking for worst possible outcomes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you all get along with your step siblings before the marriage? I ask because my kid and my SO’s kid are very close currently and as only children each they often pretend they are siblings and giggle when people think they are.

What a childish way to look at a serious situation. Just because small children enjoy each other's company RIGHT NOW doesn't mean that it will make for a happy family. Those kids will get older and they will notice differences in how they are treated, not just by their bio parent but by extended family.

Let's say there is a budget issue in the household. One kid's extended family buys them a nice bike. The other kid can't get one because there is no child support coming in and it's not affordable. If you are the bio parent of the first kid, do you take the bike away because your SO's kid won't be able to have one? If your kid is the second one, how do you explain that they need to adjust to these kinds of experiences because they will keep happening? Don't you think resentment will build - not just in kids, but in parents?

Come on now, who actually treats children this way?!?!? If this is how people treat stepchildren of course there will be problems, but for the life of me I don’t understand how parents would let this happen in actuality. Seems like people are looking for worst possible outcomes.

PP is not talking about step parents treating their stepchildren a certain way. PP is talking about the step child's OTHER parent being able to give things.

I know someone in this situation, where there are step siblings who live together approx. 50% of the time. But one of the kids OTHER parent is able to take their child on a lot of fabulous vacations. It's hard on the step sibling when they each come back from the other parent's house and one kid comes back with stories about skiing in Colorado or a week at Disney World, etc. and the other kid spent time watching tv on the sofa.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is no such thing as a blended family. Blending indicates homogeny which rarely happens.

I suggest you start by reading stepfamily forums and reading about all the problems that arise. You have no idea how difficult a path this is.

Second, you and your prospective spouse better have VERY good and cordial relationships with your exes. If you don't it will make it incredibly hard and all these kids will suffer.

Last but not least, be aware that second marriages that involve children have a 70% failure rate.

Don't get married, just date. Don't have any more children. Focus on being the best parent for your child that you can.

I love this answer.

The new babies in the new family are usually fine, it’s the first kids that suffer like a Pp said. And the dad always favors his bio kids over his step.

NP and I think it's probably an unrealistic expectation that any parent, mom or dad, is going to treat step kids equally to bio kids. I'm not talking about treating the step kids poorly or not being cordial to them but I just don't think that same bond is going to be there absent exceptional circumstances like full custody from a very young age. I'm sure it happens sometimes but I doubt it's the norm.

If it comes out early and the kids realize it then they would trust the step parent and that also creates a lot of friction. Most of the parents ignore it because they want to live a married life and carries a lot of guilt for the rest of their lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you all get along with your step siblings before the marriage? I ask because my kid and my SO’s kid are very close currently and as only children each they often pretend they are siblings and giggle when people think they are.

What a childish way to look at a serious situation. Just because small children enjoy each other's company RIGHT NOW doesn't mean that it will make for a happy family. Those kids will get older and they will notice differences in how they are treated, not just by their bio parent but by extended family.

Let's say there is a budget issue in the household. One kid's extended family buys them a nice bike. The other kid can't get one because there is no child support coming in and it's not affordable. If you are the bio parent of the first kid, do you take the bike away because your SO's kid won't be able to have one? If your kid is the second one, how do you explain that they need to adjust to these kinds of experiences because they will keep happening? Don't you think resentment will build - not just in kids, but in parents?

Come on now, who actually treats children this way?!?!? If this is how people treat stepchildren of course there will be problems, but for the life of me I don’t understand how parents would let this happen in actuality. Seems like people are looking for worst possible outcomes.

PP is not talking about step parents treating their stepchildren a certain way. PP is talking about the step child's OTHER parent being able to give things.

I know someone in this situation, where there are step siblings who live together approx. 50% of the time. But one of the kids OTHER parent is able to take their child on a lot of fabulous vacations. It's hard on the step sibling when they each come back from the other parent's house and one kid comes back with stories about skiing in Colorado or a week at Disney World, etc. and the other kid spent time watching tv on the sofa.

Only if you are really very sensitive. Plenty of blended families coexist peacefully and happily. The purpose of this thread is to tell OP to discuss finances and parenting in advance, in order to avoid the main sources of conflict. But minor conflicts are to be expected, and if everyone is reasonable, things will go well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sucks to be the kid in this situation, even well into adulthood. I don’t have strong feelings about my step siblings-they are average people but we just never really connected. Our parents married when we were 6, 9, 10, 11, and 15, and we weren’t really raised together.

EVEN NOW, things like weddings, holidays, etc are just frustrating. We even have very little drama or conflict, but we just aren’t all that interested in each other, but yet our parents are STILL, three decades later, trying to play happy family and “blend” us. I don’t hate my step siblings, but I don’t really want to spend several days with them every Christmas, even if I’d like to see my dad. And I’m not really wanting to host all of them, even if I’d like to see just my dad, he doesn’t want to leave his wife at Christmas and she doesn’t want to miss Christmas with her kids in their city.

And we are a family where things have turned out relatively well and I still hate this situation.

Maybe try to see your dad alone on nonholiday times

Pp here. Wow you just magically solved all my problems! Why did I never think of that?/s

I do see my dad on his own during nonholiday times, but also I’d like to spend holidays sometimes with him. Also, Christmas is when I have leave. Also at play is my dad and stepmom wanting all of us to be together for holidays. It’s exhausting. I’ve already got a mom and a stepdad and step siblings on their side, plus my in laws (also divorced). It makes for very complicated extended family dynamics, even when things aren’t dysfunctional they are still deeply complex when so many people are involved.

New poster -- my story is different but I can definitely identify with ongoing parental pressure/delusion of playing happy blended family well into adulthood for everyone. The warning here is to the parents. I know, you want to believe everyone is happy and -- my favorite -- "resilient." Your kids may act that way, to please you or to quiet you, for a long, long time. Sorry, my stepbrother will never be my brother, nice guy and all but hello I am 45 and have had enough.

This is pretty honest post. Parents, if you think blended family is going to be happy and beneficial for your kid after increasing stress, demand, and choosing other priorities then your kid then you are just being delusional. Research and various studies a lot different and yours would not be any different. It is your prime importance to provide safe and happy environment to your kid and bringing other step kids in the equation is not going to do that.

[Anonymous]

The minor conflicts actually become major conflicts pretty soon. That's the way resentment sets in that results in kids having issues later on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you all get along with your step siblings before the marriage? I ask because my kid and my SO’s kid are very close currently and as only children each they often pretend they are siblings and giggle when people think they are.

What a childish way to look at a serious situation. Just because small children enjoy each other's company RIGHT NOW doesn't mean that it will make for a happy family. Those kids will get older and they will notice differences in how they are treated, not just by their bio parent but by extended family.

Let's say there is a budget issue in the household. One kid's extended family buys them a nice bike. The other kid can't get one because there is no child support coming in and it's not affordable. If you are the bio parent of the first kid, do you take the bike away because your SO's kid won't be able to have one? If your kid is the second one, how do you explain that they need to adjust to these kinds of experiences because they will keep happening? Don't you think resentment will build - not just in kids, but in parents?

Come on now, who actually treats children this way?!?!? If this is how people treat stepchildren of course there will be problems, but for the life of me I don’t understand how parents would let this happen in actuality. Seems like people are looking for worst possible outcomes.

Happens all the time. There is going to be more or less gifts/fun stuff with each of them and you can't give everything to everyone unless you have a lot of money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you all get along with your step siblings before the marriage? I ask because my kid and my SO’s kid are very close currently and as only children each they often pretend they are siblings and giggle when people think they are.

What a childish way to look at a serious situation. Just because small children enjoy each other's company RIGHT NOW doesn't mean that it will make for a happy family. Those kids will get older and they will notice differences in how they are treated, not just by their bio parent but by extended family.

Let's say there is a budget issue in the household. One kid's extended family buys them a nice bike. The other kid can't get one because there is no child support coming in and it's not affordable. If you are the bio parent of the first kid, do you take the bike away because your SO's kid won't be able to have one? If your kid is the second one, how do you explain that they need to adjust to these kinds of experiences because they will keep happening? Don't you think resentment will build - not just in kids, but in parents?

Come on now, who actually treats children this way?!?!? If this is how people treat stepchildren of course there will be problems, but for the life of me I don’t understand how parents would let this happen in actuality. Seems like people are looking for worst possible outcomes.

PP is not talking about step parents treating their stepchildren a certain way. PP is talking about the step child's OTHER parent being able to give things.

I know someone in this situation, where there are step siblings who live together approx. 50% of the time. But one of the kids OTHER parent is able to take their child on a lot of fabulous vacations. It's hard on the step sibling when they each come back from the other parent's house and one kid comes back with stories about skiing in Colorado or a week at Disney World, etc. and the other kid spent time watching tv on the sofa.

Only if you are really very sensitive. Plenty of blended families coexist peacefully and happily. The purpose of this thread is to tell OP to discuss finances and parenting in advance, in order to avoid the main sources of conflict. But minor conflicts are to be expected, and if everyone is reasonable, things will go well.

Right - unequal treatment of step siblings is something to discuss in advance. That said, I think people are underestimating kids a little bit. Most kids understand and don't have a problem with the fact that their step-sibs have a different relationship and do different things with their bio families. It's really the adults who import this notion of "everything must be the same!! we are all one happy equal familleeee!!!" that can create stress. In fact, I think preserving the kids individual family structures in a blended family, and not insisting on the "blended" part, is actually very healthy. As long as the kids are treated equally within the nuclear stepfamily, then it will be ok. The adults just need to have a modicum of good sense and good will. For example, not having Jimmy open a million christmas presents from his grandmother right in front of Sally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The minor conflicts actually become major conflicts pretty soon. That's the way resentment sets in that results in kids having issues later on.

PP that mentioned the trips for skiiing and Disney here.

Exactly. It would be hard for a young kid to not be resentful when they are constantly seeing their step sibling go fun places, have the latest new tech gadgets, have trendy clothes, be able to do any activity (horseback riding, ballet lessons, etc.) because of the step siblings other parent. I don't think that would make them "very sensitive", it makes them human.