Dating advice for divorced dad

[Anonymous]

You’re going to think I’m crazy up when I got divorced at 45 I was thinking it would be nice to date women 5-10 years younger than me but after awhile I made a change to older women up to 55 or so. The younger ones were so busy with children and the dating complications were challenging. Older women had much more freedom as most of them were empty nesters. And there are plenty of women 45-55 who have taken care of themselves physically and many seemed to really appreciate being with a guy who wasn’t over 60. I remained single until I was 53 when I married a 52 year old.

[Anonymous]

OP again. Another thing -- I feel terrible spending money on a nice place or luxuries for myself. Yeah, I make a lot. But the spending has to come from somewhere ... retirement savings, college savings, or rainy day savings (I wasn't planning to be at BigLaw for a whole lot longer). After the big mortgage for the house and criminally high private school tuition (both of which we're keeping at least for now to maintain some continuity for the kids), it's not like I'm still rolling in dough.

[Anonymous]

Older women had much more freedom as most of them were empty nesters. And there are plenty of women 45-55 who have taken care of themselves physically and many seemed to really appreciate being with a guy who wasn’t over 60. I remained single until I was 53 when I married a 52 year old.

The empty nesters won’t want a guy who has kids in elementary school. That has been my experience as a divorced dad with kids in elementary. I have no problem with it, they have a perfect right to that preference.

Agree there are plenty of women 45-55 who look great. But you’re going to have to swipe left on a lot of the ones who... haven’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. Another thing -- I feel terrible spending money on a nice place or luxuries for myself. Yeah, I make a lot. But the spending has to come from somewhere ... retirement savings, college savings, or rainy day savings (I wasn't planning to be at BigLaw for a whole lot longer). After the big mortgage for the house and criminally high private school tuition (both of which we're keeping at least for now to maintain some continuity for the kids), it's not like I'm still rolling in dough.

OP, it would be wildly unfair for you to decide you want a cushier job so you're going to once again upend your kids' stability after the divorce by forcing them to move out of their home and change schools. Just keep your biglaw job to try to maintain the home and schools for your kids. You owe them that.

[Anonymous]

If men can find APs while they’re still married and living in the same house with their wife and children, why would it be hard to find sex partners once they’re separated and have a bachelor pad?

I recognize this dynamic. OP is supporting his STBX wife and letting her stay in the house because she either is a SAHM or she works but earns very little money. OP has never done anything close to 50% of the parenting and doesn’t intend to start now. His job is much too demanding for that, but not so demanding that he can’t fit the occasional booty call into his evenings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Huge red flag that you don’t have your kids more often. With no other info my instant assumption is you got divorced because you’re a giant man baby who depended on your mommy-wife to do 100% of the work of raising kids and running a household. Even if I’m just looking for a hookup, that’s super unattractive and makes me immediately dry up.

FWIW my husband is 15 years older than me and when we met he was helping to raise his nephews, one of whom moved in with us when we got married. A real man will step up and do what needs to be done, even if it’s not what he planned for. You on the other hand cant do the bare minimum of raising even your own children! Not sexy.

yes, supporting them as well as an soon to be stay at home ex isn't stepping up to the plate

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If men can find APs while they’re still married and living in the same house with their wife and children, why would it be hard to find sex partners once they’re separated and have a bachelor pad?

I recognize this dynamic. OP is supporting his STBX wife and letting her stay in the house because she either is a SAHM or she works but earns very little money. OP has never done anything close to 50% of the parenting and doesn’t intend to start now. His job is much too demanding for that, but not so demanding that he can’t fit the occasional booty call into his evenings.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a 46 year old divorced woman and want to weigh in here. The dissolution of any long term marriage, regardless of how amicable the divorce is, is traumatic. I know you want to get out there and get back in the game but there will be time for that. As the men here have weighed in you won’t have any issues meeting women when you’re ready.

I’d strongly recommend that you take a bit of time for yourself to really settle and get comfortable with you. Most of us started dating way too soon and it’s always (ALWAYS) a disaster. Broken attracts broken. And you probably don’t FEEL broken but you are and will be for a little while. It’s normal. If you do decide to start dating early on you may have some lessons to learn.

Once you’re totally healthy you really will have your pick. If you want an new family go younger. If you’re just looking for a good companion as your children grow up try to find someone closer to your age. Many of us already have empty nests. With your income I’d suggest you look for professional women unless you want to risk the sugar daddy role.

Either way I think you’ll do just fine. Men your age tend to have a better pool to pick from than women for some reason. Good luck!

OP, this is excellent advice. Read it and take it to heart. Use this time to let you and your children adjust to the new family dynamic. You'll still have lots of options and will be much better situated to enjoy dating later if you don't rush into things now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And yes as a PP mentioned, get the HPV vaccine so you don’t kill somebody.

Or himself

Or get warts

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And yes as a PP mentioned, get the HPV vaccine so you don’t kill somebody.

Or himself

Or get warts

He's too old for the vaccine and condoms don't fully protect against HPV. You can still get it from oral--and from contact that isn't necessarily PIV.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And yes as a PP mentioned, get the HPV vaccine so you don’t kill somebody.

He’s an old man. I don’t think he can even get the HPV vaccine.

Yes he can. And he should.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And yes as a PP mentioned, get the HPV vaccine so you don’t kill somebody.

He's too old. You have to be 26 or younger.

That’s not true. They raised it to 46. But even if you are older than that, you can still get it. Insurance may not cover but he is a big law partner.

Op, I have encountered genital warts twice in men in their forties. Not good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP, I am a 45 year old big law partner, also divorced supporting a SAHM with 2 middle school age kids. Exact same situation, make very good money, obviously not as much to go around as before but dropping a few thousand on a fancy weekend away for a woman I am interest in is meaningless money.

These responses are complete nonsense and likely written by bitter first wives who want to see you lonely and punished. Ignore them.

You will have absolutely zero problems finding dates. Actually, it will be exhausting doing on line dating because you will have so many women match with you. Many of them will be much younger. I agree with one PP, you need to be fair to them that you are not looking for a second wife and kids because many women in their 30s are. Even if they tell you they aren't sure.

Yes, wear a condom. Of course.

Tinder is fine for hookups. Bumble is good too. Again, you will be surprised at how many younger, attractive women you will match with. If you are like some of my divorced friends, you may go through a promiscuous phase because it's so abundant, like far easier than when you were younger. But you will ultimately see that easy sex with random women creates more headache than it's worth. I can give you some funny and not so funny stories.

Single mom's are my preferred partners. They understand that when I have the kids, I am not available and I respect that they have the same situation.

Good luck, it's a crazy world out there but lots of great women looking for real connections.

Woman here. The huge factor here is that PP makes very good money. Divorced men making up to 150k or so reading this will not have the same experience. It is pretty rare to encounter a big law firm partner in his forties on dating apps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a 46 year old divorced woman and want to weigh in here. The dissolution of any long term marriage, regardless of how amicable the divorce is, is traumatic. I know you want to get out there and get back in the game but there will be time for that. As the men here have weighed in you won’t have any issues meeting women when you’re ready.

I’d strongly recommend that you take a bit of time for yourself to really settle and get comfortable with you. Most of us started dating way too soon and it’s always (ALWAYS) a disaster. Broken attracts broken. And you probably don’t FEEL broken but you are and will be for a little while. It’s normal. If you do decide to start dating early on you may have some lessons to learn.

Once you’re totally healthy you really will have your pick. If you want an new family go younger. If you’re just looking for a good companion as your children grow up try to find someone closer to your age. Many of us already have empty nests. With your income I’d suggest you look for professional women unless you want to risk the sugar daddy role.

Either way I think you’ll do just fine. Men your age tend to have a better pool to pick from than women for some reason. Good luck!

Eh, I actually don’t think that is true about men his age having a better pool to pick from. I am a childless forty three year old woman who doesn’t want kids but wouldn’t mind having stepkids. and I actually found my dating life got way way better once I turned forty. All of a sudden all these divorced men in their mid forties started asking me out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm planning to start dating in the next 6 months or so, and might be interested in dating a person like you. I'm in my early 40s, divorced for a year (after 15+ years of marriage), professional, moderately attractive but in good shape. I have elementary school children and almost full-time custody, so my time is limited, too. I certainly wouldn't smother you! I'm not looking to get married again, but would enjoy anything from just having a few laughs to building a strong, lasting relationship.

Because I'm not looking to get married again and don't mind being single, I have the benefit of being "choosy." I would only date you if you were divorced. I would assume you would go wild on the dating scene for a year or two and I'd prefer to date you after you are finished with all that. And I'd wonder why you don't have 50% custody since it's pretty much standard in DC. If I learned you cheated during your marriage, hard pass.

I am single and childless and want a serious relationship. But yeah, I’ve dated divorced men for a few years now and I definitely would be very wary of dating anyone until after he has been divorced for at least a year, and preferably two.