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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Divorce is really not hard. It is annoying and a lot of paperwork.

I would end it. You are not teaching your son how to treat a woman properly.

I am early 40s and finally got out (no cheating but bad since the beginning). I would not waste one more minute.[/quote]

In our case it won’t be just “a lot of paperwork”. It will be a rather lengthy case with court ordered “discovery” of his foreign holdings, me demanding higher stake in US assets because he built a banking company abroad in marriage and gave stake to his suspected mistress.  Trust me that when I realize I can’t return him, [b]I will fight with him for every cent for destroying our marriage. [/b]I am accumulating information about assets, copied his business files, saving money on my hidden account for lawyers etc. He gave shares in the company in Europe, that he promised will be our retirement place, to his mistress. He took me there to pick the houses, to choose school for our son. I am not wasting time and I am very angry deep inside. I so far consulted with one attorney but didn’t like her. Need to continue interviews and will be grateful for any tips.

I am generally giving myself a “deadline” when our son goes to college. But I don’t want anger him with financial claim until our son is out the door in college as this war will take a while. I will be 46, still not too old to build a life on my own. I actually even have a plan to go to Europe for a year and just live for myself walking museums, traveling, to recoup, before I am back to the US to my son and my mom.

Of course I don’t plan to live like that for 20 more years. My husband is respectful during the day, checks our sons homework, we go for vacation together in July to family friends.  The house we live in is huge and has an apartment on lower level where my husband can cook himself. We can easily avoid seeing each other. It’s a de-facto separation with really good working parenting arrangement.  I think a divorce will hurt my son more as my husband will get ballistic over splitting the assists. I can’t do it now, and I am still hoping to get him back

He’s not that attractive - bold and looks older his age. Personality wise, he’s pretty boring, just a home buddy likes watching old movies in our mother tongue and we speak our mother language at home. We do have much more in common, the history of the country we both came from, the struggles there to discuss that we both live through. We still talk a lot at home on anything that not touches our own relationship. He refused marriage therapy. I don’t see anything except assets that the other woman would want him they are not compatible.

[/quote]

Here is your main problem--you wrote: “I will fight with him for every cent for destroying our marriage.”

This attitude is exactly what causes a nasty and expensive divorce—and it makes women look crazy (I am a woman—and divorced). You have some control of how you about divorce.

I am going to tell you what a mediator/attorney I first called told me (I did not use her but her words were spot on): It does not matter what he did, why he did it. Stop trying to think about it. Stop trying to think about ways to punish him. All that matters now is YOU and you getting out. All that matters is that you get what is fair—or mostly fair.

I took less than fair just to get it done. Most men do not want to divorce. They can drag it out. Mine did. But it was mostly amicable. But that is because I did not fight for every dime. In fact, I took less than I deserved. Why? Because it is better for the kids, that is why. Also, fighting over everything gives more money to attorneys…you can keep that money yourself instead if you do it the non-litigation way.

If I were you, I would not waste one more minute stewing and biding my time. You are paying in years. You have already paid in years.

Get a divorce consult with an attorney who also does collaborative divorce. Then attorneys can go back and forth on terms. It is cheaper than litigation but more fair than mediation. The attorney will recommend a forensic accountant to go through finances.
This still does not have to be ugly…unless you make it ugly from the start. It could still get ugly on his side, but you are going to get what is fair (usually 50%) and not more. Trying to get more is a waste of time and money.

Be rational. You have to put emotions aside. That is the best way to divorce.
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Thank you, this is very valuable advise. In our situation, there are US assets where I am a co-owner and will certainly get 50%. And there is a foreign company that soon to be EX built while he was married to me is a de-facto owner via serious of European holdings. My husband was traveling 1/3 of his time each year, spending time abroad secretly sleeping with his mistress who also works at that company, and building the business there, because he wants to become "great", he considers himself a financial genius. I was back home in the US, taking care of our autistic son, taking him to therapists, swimming,  teaching him to talk, eye tracking to read, hold his head upright, hold pencil in his fingers which he couldn't do at age 5, because his fingers needed massage to hold pencil. Our son is now fluent in 3 languages, college promising athlete, advance level classes in science and math next year. He still has ADD and Aspergers symptoms and needs steady, quiet environment at home not to be anxious. 
I left US corporate job, but continued working from home building our joint business, thanks to my management we repaid expeditiously mortgages on all real estate projects in less than 8 years.

I feel like my husband used my life, my professional time and my parenting skills to "ride" on my back and build a prosperous life of his own without envisioning me in this life, e.g. lying from the very beginning. This is very painful.

I consulted with US attorneys, they believe my husband's building the company abroad with stock options gives me right to get most of US properties. [b]Would you try to investigate something that is hidden in Luxembourg, possibly other off-shore jurisdictions? It's hard for me to figure with local attorneys whether it is even worth trying, or will be an expensive and costly emotionally and financially endeavor. [/b]
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No, I personally would not go digging into offshore stuff. You could spend so much more. I would ask for a forensic accountant for US stuff, I'd ask for 50/50 on easily found US stuff, and I would ask that he pay for education and college costs for your son (as a negotiating thing...he pays for all education...you don't go digging around Europe). I would not want to waste any more time in this...and I would not want a long costly and protracted legal battle. I would want half of what I can see and get out before wasting more years. [/quote]

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