Thoughts on grandparents paying private school tuition for one grandchild and not others

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I see what you mean- I have been pondering this myself. My in-laws watch one set of grandkids and we are pregnant with our first and they have not offered the same to us. Even watching the baby 1 day a week would save us so much money and it hurts that one set of grandkids gets this financial burden lifted off of them and have a loving grandparent to watch this part time. My husband doesn't think things necessarily have to be "fair" but it makes me want to try to be fair across all my future grandkids because it does breed resentment.

have you asked?

[Anonymous]

I am the granddaughter of a grandfather who paid for Ivy League undergrad and graduate education for one grandchild, out of six grandchildren. I didn't think anything of it at the time, but looking back I wonder why my parents weren't offered any money. 3 in-state college educations were a fraction of what my cousin's degrees. My cousin doesn't use his degree at all, it's an obscure musical instrument/music degree. At the time, my grandfather had millions in the bank. My grandfather also bankrolled several businesses for my uncle, which bled him dry by the end of his life. An uncle, on of my mother's brothers, openly complained about his little brother getting money from my grandfather. Oh well, it is what it is but I am still allowed to question it in my head.

[Anonymous]

My in-laws pay for just about everything for my sister-in-law, her husband, and their four kids because she doesn't work (she kept having kids every three year so she "couldn't" work) and they make terrible financial decisions. My in-laws feed the kids, pay for their activities, have provided feel childcare (even though SIL doesn't work), shuttle the kids around, are now homeschooling them (even though SIL did go to college and get a masters in education before quitting), buy them clothes, etc. My kids get like a puzzle or game or two for Christmas or birthdays? This year my MIL gave us a check for $100 at Christmas because "she wanted to treat her kiddos equally." HA. My husband and I don't care because we didn't plan our lives in order to have others support us financially, and I don't think our kids understand because they don't see things the way we do. I think it's pathetic that my in-laws enable poor behavior from their daughter, and I know it's their son (my husband) who is going to have to take care of them probably in a few years, but we can't do anything about it so we just let it be. I can't see what would be accomplished by saying anything about it. So while I think it's in poor taste to treat grandchildren differently, and we don't plan to do so with ours, it is what it is and you can't control other people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound bitter. This poor kid just had their world torn apart in a divorce, and you think your sister should uproot her and move to a different neighborhood for the schools? They had probably planned on private school all along, but now can’t afford it after the divorce, so her parents are helping out. Are your kids struggling in a bad public school? You seem to be doing fine the way things are, so don’t stick your nose in other people’s business.

OP here. The divorce happened when the child was a toddler. My sister makes more money than any of us. She can more than afford private school or a move, but she prefers to spend it on trips, jewelry for herself and other extras. I didn't stick my nose into her business. At Thanksgiving, when we announced what we are thankful for, my niece said she was thankful for our generous parents paying for private school and my sister jumped in and thanked them as well. My brother asked our sister more about this funding privately and yep, every year they pay for private school. She was proud of it. One of my kids did OT, PT and ST for years and could have benefited from a SN private school early on though, but we did not even consider it due to expense. We hired advocates over the years and made the public school work well over time and now after years of therapies, etc the issues are considered mild. If my niece has issues they are certainly more mild than our child's were early on. Both our kids are happy at public though. My brother's son had significant medical issues at birth and it caused them financial hardship to pay. This is coming to a head now because my brother was furloughed and my parents know. His wife lost her job. Nobody is running to their rescue. Nobody has explained why one adult child was favored and yes, it is hurtful. I said I take the high road with them. I don't my brother's idea of confronting them will do any good and I don't want a big fight over money. I do see this is something I will not do with my own kids unless there are significant issues that warrant it (like medical issues or disability) and I will explain or try to make things equal. I honestly wish I did not know about this. It had not even occurred to me they would ever do this because they even shared a story years ago of their friends' adult child asking for private school funding for the grandkids and how entitled that is. I still love my parents, but I am being honest in saying it causes resentment toward them and my sister.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not your money, not your business.

This let it go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound bitter. This poor kid just had their world torn apart in a divorce, and you think your sister should uproot her and move to a different neighborhood for the schools? They had probably planned on private school all along, but now can’t afford it after the divorce, so her parents are helping out. Are your kids struggling in a bad public school? You seem to be doing fine the way things are, so don’t stick your nose in other people’s business.

OP here. The divorce happened when the child was a toddler. My sister makes more money than any of us. She can more than afford private school or a move, but she prefers to spend it on trips, jewelry for herself and other extras. I didn't stick my nose into her business. At Thanksgiving, when we announced what we are thankful for, my niece said she was thankful for our generous parents paying for private school and my sister jumped in and thanked them as well. My brother asked our sister more about this funding privately and yep, every year they pay for private school. She was proud of it. One of my kids did OT, PT and ST for years and could have benefited from a SN private school early on though, but we did not even consider it due to expense. We hired advocates over the years and made the public school work well over time and now after years of therapies, etc the issues are considered mild. If my niece has issues they are certainly more mild than our child's were early on. Both our kids are happy at public though. My brother's son had significant medical issues at birth and it caused them financial hardship to pay. This is coming to a head now because my brother was furloughed and my parents know. His wife lost her job. Nobody is running to their rescue. Nobody has explained why one adult child was favored and yes, it is hurtful. I said I take the high road with them. I don't my brother's idea of confronting them will do any good and I don't want a big fight over money. I do see this is something I will not do with my own kids unless there are significant issues that warrant it (like medical issues or disability) and I will explain or try to make things equal. I honestly wish I did not know about this. It had not even occurred to me they would ever do this because they even shared a story years ago of their friends' adult child asking for private school funding for the grandkids and how entitled that is. I still love my parents, but I am being honest in saying it causes resentment toward them and my sister.

OP, Get some professional counseling on this matter. You need to get past this.

[Anonymous]

How much is the private school? There are some areas in the country where they are less than $10,000 whereas a special needs school around here is $40,000. Is it a religious private school? Maybe your parents like that. Your niece doesn't sound entitled if she is thanking her grandparents at Thanksgiving naming their gift as what she is most Thankful for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: The child has no special needs and the grandparents were at one point estranged from the parent of said child. It isn't that this adult child went above and beyond helping them to somehow ear hundreds of thousands of dollars of free tuition over the years for the grandchild. Other grandchildren are doing well in public school, but this one sibling wanted fancy things for her child. It's their money to do as they please, but just making clear it is not that this adult child did anything to earn special treatment and funding or that there are special circumstances that require private school. They did not see this grandchild more than they saw their other grandchildren.

I take the higher road and feel it's their money to do as they please, but I can't help but also find it distasteful and I will never do this with my own kids unless a grandchild has significant learning issues, medical problems or emotional problems. I do see it as a form of playing favorites. I don't see it as worthy of bringing up because again, their money, their choices. It is not my place to expect handouts, but I do feel what they are doing is unfair. My brother is downright pissed and may confront them.

You said it yourself. Their money, their choice. It's not your business whether or not someone "earned" this. I think you feel your child deserves the same amount whether or not you care to admit it.

Of course she does! Who wouldn’t?

This is the equivalent of grandparents giving a car as a Christmas present to one grandchild and sweaters to the others. Yes, you can scream that it’s their money and their CHOICE until you’re blue in the face. That doesn’t negate the fact that generally in families there’s an expectation that grandparents care about all of their children and grandchildren. Blatant favoritism like this causes resentment. It’s bad for the non-favored children (and their parents) BUT it’s also bad for the favored child in that it sets her apart from her family. This is especially harmful for an only child.

Basically, yes, it’s the grandparents right to make this choice. It’s still a stupid choice.

+1,000,000

It is playing favorites. It is dysfunctional. Their choice to play favorites with money. No expert in psychology or estate planning would encourage you to do this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound bitter. This poor kid just had their world torn apart in a divorce, and you think your sister should uproot her and move to a different neighborhood for the schools? They had probably planned on private school all along, but now can’t afford it after the divorce, so her parents are helping out. Are your kids struggling in a bad public school? You seem to be doing fine the way things are, so don’t stick your nose in other people’s business.

OP here. The divorce happened when the child was a toddler. My sister makes more money than any of us. She can more than afford private school or a move, but she prefers to spend it on trips, jewelry for herself and other extras. I didn't stick my nose into her business. At Thanksgiving, when we announced what we are thankful for, my niece said she was thankful for our generous parents paying for private school and my sister jumped in and thanked them as well. My brother asked our sister more about this funding privately and yep, every year they pay for private school. She was proud of it. One of my kids did OT, PT and ST for years and could have benefited from a SN private school early on though, but we did not even consider it due to expense. We hired advocates over the years and made the public school work well over time and now after years of therapies, etc the issues are considered mild. If my niece has issues they are certainly more mild than our child's were early on. Both our kids are happy at public though. My brother's son had significant medical issues at birth and it caused them financial hardship to pay. This is coming to a head now because my brother was furloughed and my parents know. His wife lost her job. Nobody is running to their rescue. Nobody has explained why one adult child was favored and yes, it is hurtful. I said I take the high road with them. I don't my brother's idea of confronting them will do any good and I don't want a big fight over money. I do see this is something I will not do with my own kids unless there are significant issues that warrant it (like medical issues or disability) and I will explain or try to make things equal. I honestly wish I did not know about this. It had not even occurred to me they would ever do this because they even shared a story years ago of their friends' adult child asking for private school funding for the grandkids and how entitled that is. I still love my parents, but I am being honest in saying it causes resentment toward them and my sister.

A few thoughts:
1. The grandparents likely have no idea that their granddaughters shared with the wider family that they are paying her tuition. The grandparents may view that as a private matter between them and the granddaughter’s parents. So they would have no idea that this is causing a rift.
2. Perhaps you and your brother could consider asking your parents for help financially if and where it is. I don’t see anything in this thread indicating that your parents would say no, or in anyway play favorites when a child comes to them asking for help.
3. Grandparents paying tuition is often a vehicle for tax savings. tuition payments are carved out from gift limits so this may be something they are taking into account.
4. Who knows if the grandparents are equalizing gifts given during their lifetimes with gifts given upon their death? If they have not shared their broader estate plan, which is their choice to do or not, why would anyone do this as being preferential? my parents gave my sister substantial funds when she had needs. At least my mom, who has since died, gave me what was essentially an equalizing payment through her well. I never would have known this until my mom died.

You seem to know a limited amount of what the Grandparents are doing with their money, having no idea what is in their estate planning, and I making judgments about them and their daughter on that basis. grandparents are doing with their money on that basis. You and your brother are upset that grandparents gave a gift to one of their children when I asked for it, but it appears you have not asked for any such gift. and you seem to think that it should be publicly addressed among family members when a parent helps a child or grandchild. Maybe the grandparents simply view it as a private matter, not feeling that it is needed to justify how they choose to spend their money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I see what you mean- I have been pondering this myself. My in-laws watch one set of grandkids and we are pregnant with our first and they have not offered the same to us. Even watching the baby 1 day a week would save us so much money and it hurts that one set of grandkids gets this financial burden lifted off of them and have a loving grandparent to watch this part time. My husband doesn't think things necessarily have to be "fair" but it makes me want to try to be fair across all my future grandkids because it does breed resentment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My in-laws pay for just about everything for my sister-in-law, her husband, and their four kids because she doesn't work (she kept having kids every three year so she "couldn't" work) and they make terrible financial decisions. My in-laws feed the kids, pay for their activities, have provided feel childcare (even though SIL doesn't work), shuttle the kids around, are now homeschooling them (even though SIL did go to college and get a masters in education before quitting), buy them clothes, etc. My kids get like a puzzle or game or two for Christmas or birthdays? This year my MIL gave us a check for $100 at Christmas because "she wanted to treat her kiddos equally." HA. My husband and I don't care because we didn't plan our lives in order to have others support us financially, and I don't think our kids understand because they don't see things the way we do. I think it's pathetic that my in-laws enable poor behavior from their daughter, and I know it's their son (my husband) who is going to have to take care of them probably in a few years, but we can't do anything about it so we just let it be. I can't see what would be accomplished by saying anything about it. So while I think it's in poor taste to treat grandchildren differently, and we don't plan to do so with ours, it is what it is and you can't control other people.

So your attitude is oh I’m not getting enough as opposed to, ‘my poor in-laws who worked hard, raised their kids and are now being sucked dry by their needy, pitiful daughter’???
You need to grow up too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How much is the private school? There are some areas in the country where they are less than $10,000 whereas a special needs school around here is $40,000. Is it a religious private school? Maybe your parents like that. Your niece doesn't sound entitled if she is thanking her grandparents at Thanksgiving naming their gift as what she is most Thankful for.

lol

I love how low the bar is for the favored child. All she has to do is say “thank you” and she’s perfection. Meanwhile, all of you are holding OP to a much higher standard. She has to be okay with her children being treated inferior to their cousin with a big huge smile on her face.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: The child has no special needs and the grandparents were at one point estranged from the parent of said child. It isn't that this adult child went above and beyond helping them to somehow ear hundreds of thousands of dollars of free tuition over the years for the grandchild. Other grandchildren are doing well in public school, but this one sibling wanted fancy things for her child. It's their money to do as they please, but just making clear it is not that this adult child did anything to earn special treatment and funding or that there are special circumstances that require private school. They did not see this grandchild more than they saw their other grandchildren.

I take the higher road and feel it's their money to do as they please, but I can't help but also find it distasteful and I will never do this with my own kids unless a grandchild has significant learning issues, medical problems or emotional problems. I do see it as a form of playing favorites. I don't see it as worthy of bringing up because again, their money, their choices. It is not my place to expect handouts, but I do feel what they are doing is unfair. My brother is downright pissed and may confront them.

OP, if you are not willing to bring it up, then don't stew about it.

I went to grad school and took out $50,000 in loans because it never occurred to me to ask my parents for help. I struggled a lot. My sister went to grad school and asked my dad to pay for it. He did. Every cent, plus living expenses. Probably $75,000 total. I only found out later when my sister told me. I didn't have much of a relationship with my dad so I never mentioned it but I did talk to my sister about it. She said my dad would complain about paying for her sometimes and bring me up and how I "never asked them for a cent." Like he was proud of me.

So, basically, it never occurred to my dad that it might be "fair" to pay for me. As far as he knew I was doing fine, and he was even proud that I was "self sufficient" (he didn't know about the loans because I never told him). Why would he hand me a check? I did once ask my mom for a $1,000 loan for internship applications, and again for a move across country, and both times she sent me the money without hesitating and said it was a gift. I doubt she sent my siblings and equal sum at the same time, but she probably helped them at other times.

I think you are wrong to assume your parents view the money the same way you do. Either talk to them, or stop being angry about it.

[Anonymous]

I haven’t read the responses but my in-laws paid for my BIL’s kids to go to private school. They do not pay for our kids. It’s their choice and I don’t mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How much is the private school? There are some areas in the country where they are less than $10,000 whereas a special needs school around here is $40,000. Is it a religious private school? Maybe your parents like that. Your niece doesn't sound entitled if she is thanking her grandparents at Thanksgiving naming their gift as what she is most Thankful for.

lol

I love how low the bar is for the favored child. All she has to do is say “thank you” and she’s perfection. Meanwhile, all of you are holding OP to a much higher standard. She has to be okay with her children being treated inferior to their cousin with a big huge smile on her face.

No, there is no favored child or disfavored child here. There is one child who asked for financial support to pay for private school, and there is one child who has not. The child who has not is spewing her sour grapes all over the rest of us but, guess what, she doesn't have any reason to be upset because SHE HASN'T ASKED. If she asks and is denied then maybe it is a different story. Until then she needs to put up and shut up about it.