Thoughts on grandparents paying private school tuition for one grandchild and not others

[Anonymous]

The child has no special needs and the grandparents were at one point estranged from the parent of said child. It isn't that this adult child went above and beyond helping them to somehow ear hundreds of thousands of dollars of free tuition over the years for the grandchild. Other grandchildren are doing well in public school, but this one sibling wanted fancy things for her child. It's their money to do as they please, but just making clear it is not that this adult child did anything to earn special treatment and funding or that there are special circumstances that require private school. They did not see this grandchild more than they saw their other grandchildren.

I take the higher road and feel it's their money to do as they please, but I can't help but also find it distasteful and I will never do this with my own kids unless a grandchild has significant learning issues, medical problems or emotional problems. I do see it as a form of playing favorites. I don't see it as worthy of bringing up because again, their money, their choices. It is not my place to expect handouts, but I do feel what they are doing is unfair. My brother is downright pissed and may confront them.

[Anonymous]

I think there are circumstances you don’t know about.

[Anonymous]

It’s there money. My former in-laws won’t spend a cent on my children because they don’t practice the same religion. It absolutely hurts my kids’ feelings, but I emphasize that money doesn’t equal love and it’s their grandparents’ money.

[Anonymous]

Their (not there)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think there are circumstances you don’t know about.

+1 They may have a reason you don't know about; they may be planning to account for the difference in their estate planning. Either way it's not your or your brother's place to confront them about how they spend their money or even keep track of where it's going; let it go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think there are circumstances you don’t know about.

What would they be? My sister earns a lot of money and gets some child support from her ex. The child is a good student, well-adjusted and makes friends easily. They chose private school because the public school closeby was not great. She could afford to move to a different neighborhood, but didn't want to. If anything the daughter has become more entitled than the rest of the grandchildren possibly because she is more pampered. My brother is pissed because he and his wife could have used a handout for some of his son's hospital bills.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s there money. My former in-laws won’t spend a cent on my children because they don’t practice the same religion. It absolutely hurts my kids’ feelings, but I emphasize that money doesn’t equal love and it’s their grandparents’ money.

OP again. I commend you for taking the higher road like that. I take the higher road externally, but inside it offends me greatly and I wish it didn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think there are circumstances you don’t know about.

+1 They may have a reason you don't know about; they may be planning to account for the difference in their estate planning. Either way it's not your or your brother's place to confront them about how they spend their money or even keep track of where it's going; let it go.

You would think in the interest of family harmony that if they were planning to account for the difference in their estate planning, they would share that.

[Anonymous]

My parents are like that. My mom will do for her boyfriend's grandkids and not mine. She'll buy things for my sibling and not me or my kids. I don't care but when they need help or anything I remind them to ask the boyfriend's kids or my sibling. My Dad will help a stranger over us. My child did have SN and he promised to help us pay for private but then changed his mind after we signed. Luckily we could make it work for a few years (I didn't trust he'd pay anyway). People are funny.

[Anonymous]

Not your money, not your business.

[Anonymous]

Are the other grandchildren asking for private school tuition help and being denied? Maybe the grandparents value private education and would be receptive to the same request from others.

Also, maybe the fact that it's a luxury and not a necessity makes them more, not less, likely to fund it. Some people are of the mindset that grown children should cover their own necessities, but love to give lavish gifts of luxuries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not your money, not your business.

I think parents who do this are asking for resentments to build and feeding family disharmony. We can all do as we chose with out money. I chose to give to charity. I chose to spend the same amount on gifts to my children and put the same amount in their 529s. If you chose to be grossly unequal with gifts, you chose to create problems. If I spend $500 on one kid for a birthday and $20 on the other I would be making a pretty obnoxious choice as opposed to if I spend $20 on both. When there is inequality people have a right to judge you and feel hurt.

[Anonymous]

Do the other grandchildren want to go to private school?

My in laws have three children. One lives in a place where no one goes to private school. It's just not a consideration, and so his children go to public school. Another has kids who started in public school, but when they made the decision to switch to private, my in laws paid for it. Another child has little kids who haven't yet started school. When they do, they will start at public, but I have no doubt that my in laws will pay if they switch to private.

No favoritism, although they are currently spending more on one set of grandchildren than the others.

[Anonymous]

It's their money to do as they please --- True. They will likely sour or destroy their relationship with other Grandchildren. They are free to do this.

I do feel what they are doing is unfair --- Yes. Obvious that it's unfair. No special insight needed.

My brother is downright pissed and may confront them --- Ok. If he does, that's between them. "Confront" is always an odd word choice though, btw.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think there are circumstances you don’t know about.

What would they be? My sister earns a lot of money and gets some child support from her ex. The child is a good student, well-adjusted and makes friends easily. They chose private school because the public school closeby was not great. She could afford to move to a different neighborhood, but didn't want to. If anything the daughter has become more entitled than the rest of the grandchildren possibly because she is more pampered. My brother is pissed because he and his wife could have used a handout for some of his son's hospital bills.

Is your sister the only one who divorced? Maybe they wanted to do something special for the only grandchild who has divorced parents?