Thoughts on grandparents paying private school tuition for one grandchild and not others

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: The child has no special needs and the grandparents were at one point estranged from the parent of said child. It isn't that this adult child went above and beyond helping them to somehow ear hundreds of thousands of dollars of free tuition over the years for the grandchild. Other grandchildren are doing well in public school, but this one sibling wanted fancy things for her child. It's their money to do as they please, but just making clear it is not that this adult child did anything to earn special treatment and funding or that there are special circumstances that require private school. They did not see this grandchild more than they saw their other grandchildren.

I take the higher road and feel it's their money to do as they please, but I can't help but also find it distasteful and I will never do this with my own kids unless a grandchild has significant learning issues, medical problems or emotional problems. I do see it as a form of playing favorites. I don't see it as worthy of bringing up because again, their money, their choices. It is not my place to expect handouts, but I do feel what they are doing is unfair. My brother is downright pissed and may confront them.

That is not going to go well. You said it yourself. You can't tell others what to do with their money. Even if you think it is unfair. You have no idea why and it doesn't matter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh well. The world ain’t fair and no one deserves a handout. Your sister got lucky and you didn’t. That’s what it comes down to.

Yes, and choices have consequences. It's like giving unequal inheritances. People can do as they please, but it causes tremendous resentment and there are psychologists who specialize in this BS. It is showing favoritism with money and it sends a message. I would be curious if there are any studies of families that show that the same parents who do this with money are the ones who pitted siblings against eachother growing up and played favorites.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh well. The world ain’t fair and no one deserves a handout. Your sister got lucky and you didn’t. That’s what it comes down to.

Yes, and choices have consequences. It's like giving unequal inheritances. People can do as they please, but it causes tremendous resentment and there are psychologists who specialize in this BS. It is showing favoritism with money and it sends a message. I would be curious if there are any studies of families that show that the same parents who do this with money are the ones who pitted siblings against eachother growing up and played favorites.

DP. Not really. OP didn't ask. The sister did. If OP is mad, and she sounds narcissistic, stomping her feet, 2-year-old mad, then OP is mad at the wrong people. OP should be mad at her sister for asking, not her parents for doing what their daughter asked.

OP hasn't said her parents wouldn't give her the money. OP has only said her sister asked and her parents gave her sister what the sister wanted.

[Anonymous]

OP, putting aside your resentment, bitterness and outright dislike of your sister, have you ever discussed this with your parents? Have you ever asked them for money? Or do you just gossip with your brother and say nothing? You say you are taking the high road but it sounds like you aren’t. All this scorekeeping is not taking the high road.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not your money, not your business.

I agree 100%. That being said, choices have consequences. When the grandparents need someone to wipe their butt for them a few years down the line the daughter that's getting the tuition payments can be responsible for elder care.

Eh. I think anytime you keep score, it doesn't end well for anybody or leave anyone happy including the score keeper. My SIL was always very sensitive and needy growing up so she got a lot of help from my inlaws. My husband pretty much raised and supported himself. Now as adults, he had the time and finances more than his sister to help out his parents so he is the one who does. Figures they are his parents so it is the right thing to do. Doesn't give it a second thought.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh well. The world ain’t fair and no one deserves a handout. Your sister got lucky and you didn’t. That’s what it comes down to.

Yes, and choices have consequences. It's like giving unequal inheritances. People can do as they please, but it causes tremendous resentment and there are psychologists who specialize in this BS. It is showing favoritism with money and it sends a message. I would be curious if there are any studies of families that show that the same parents who do this with money are the ones who pitted siblings against eachother growing up and played favorites.

DP. Not really. OP didn't ask. The sister did. If OP is mad, and she sounds narcissistic, stomping her feet, 2-year-old mad, then OP is mad at the wrong people. OP should be mad at her sister for asking, not her parents for doing what their daughter asked.

OP hasn't said her parents wouldn't give her the money. OP has only said her sister asked and her parents gave her sister what the sister wanted.

Interesting post. I didn't see anything that stated the sister asked for the money-could be though. Sounds like you are projecting with the "narcissistic" part. Let me guess, in your family, you are the one getting handouts and anyone who questions it is a "stomping feet...2 year old." Got it. Keep sucking mommy's teet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I see what you mean- I have been pondering this myself. My in-laws watch one set of grandkids and we are pregnant with our first and they have not offered the same to us. Even watching the baby 1 day a week would save us so much money and it hurts that one set of grandkids gets this financial burden lifted off of them and have a loving grandparent to watch this part time. My husband doesn't think things necessarily have to be "fair" but it makes me want to try to be fair across all my future grandkids because it does breed resentment.

Holy crap. These senior citizens are looking after multiple small children and you want to stick a newborn with them too? Because it will save you money?

If you are resenting them then there is something seriously wrong with you. Grow up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think there are circumstances you don’t know about.

What would they be? My sister earns a lot of money and gets some child support from her ex. The child is a good student, well-adjusted and makes friends easily. They chose private school because the public school closeby was not great. She could afford to move to a different neighborhood, but didn't want to. If anything the daughter has become more entitled than the rest of the grandchildren possibly because she is more pampered. My brother is pissed because he and his wife could have used a handout for some of his son's hospital bills.

NP. You are so judgmental and focused so closely on who gets what, that if I were your family and my kid were having issues I would not tell you. You are a busybody who thinks you are entitled to know everything. It's none of your business.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh well. The world ain’t fair and no one deserves a handout. Your sister got lucky and you didn’t. That’s what it comes down to.

Yes, and choices have consequences. It's like giving unequal inheritances. People can do as they please, but it causes tremendous resentment and there are psychologists who specialize in this BS. It is showing favoritism with money and it sends a message. I would be curious if there are any studies of families that show that the same parents who do this with money are the ones who pitted siblings against eachother growing up and played favorites.

DP. Not really. OP didn't ask. The sister did. If OP is mad, and she sounds narcissistic, stomping her feet, 2-year-old mad, then OP is mad at the wrong people. OP should be mad at her sister for asking, not her parents for doing what their daughter asked.

OP hasn't said her parents wouldn't give her the money. OP has only said her sister asked and her parents gave her sister what the sister wanted.

Interesting post. I didn't see anything that stated the sister asked for the money-could be though. Sounds like you are projecting with the "narcissistic" part. Let me guess, in your family, you are the one getting handouts and anyone who questions it is a "stomping feet...2 year old." Got it. Keep sucking mommy's teet.

In our family I am the one GIVING the handouts. We see a lot of OP-type behavior in one or two people who are immature brats. They show it when others ask for what they need and we give it. The mature people don't even notice or care because it isn't any of their business.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, putting aside your resentment, bitterness and outright dislike of your sister, have you ever discussed this with your parents? Have you ever asked them for money? Or do you just gossip with your brother and say nothing? You say you are taking the high road but it sounds like you aren’t. All this scorekeeping is not taking the high road.

+1 Plus she keeps rebutting whenever anyone makes a point she doesn't like.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like there are a lot of people defensive about the right to get 100s of thousands of dollars of handouts without anyone questioning it. In fact, if you do question it, you are are a terrible person who should MYOB. You know there are ways to give handouts without letting others know. Somebody spilled the beans.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I see what you mean- I have been pondering this myself. My in-laws watch one set of grandkids and we are pregnant with our first and they have not offered the same to us. Even watching the baby 1 day a week would save us so much money and it hurts that one set of grandkids gets this financial burden lifted off of them and have a loving grandparent to watch this part time. My husband doesn't think things necessarily have to be "fair" but it makes me want to try to be fair across all my future grandkids because it does breed resentment.

Holy crap. These senior citizens are looking after multiple small children and you want to stick a newborn with them too? Because it will save you money?

If you are resenting them then there is something seriously wrong with you. Grow up.

It obviously about fairness... if one set of grandkids gets tons of time with grandparents and the other set is not treated the same, how is that fair? How could that not breed resentment? It is their decision so whatever but for my own future grandkids I will try to be equal because even if it is their right- it does breed resent to have one set cared for while the other set is not care for at all.

[Anonymous]

I'm willing to bet that it's the price they are paying for access to that grandchild. They had issues with their child before, and they are probably afraid that if they don't do this, the child will get upset and cut off contact with the grandchild.

I say this because my own mother had a similar issue--my brother's wife was really difficult, and she would not stand up to her--and begged me not to--because she said she'd just lose access to her grandchildren (my brother's children).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like there are a lot of people defensive about the right to get 100s of thousands of dollars of handouts without anyone questioning it. In fact, if you do question it, you are are a terrible person who should MYOB. You know there are ways to give handouts without letting others know. Somebody spilled the beans.

Sounds like you think you have a right to someone else’s money or at least the right to question what they do with it. It’s not your money. Pay for yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I see what you mean- I have been pondering this myself. My in-laws watch one set of grandkids and we are pregnant with our first and they have not offered the same to us. Even watching the baby 1 day a week would save us so much money and it hurts that one set of grandkids gets this financial burden lifted off of them and have a loving grandparent to watch this part time. My husband doesn't think things necessarily have to be "fair" but it makes me want to try to be fair across all my future grandkids because it does breed resentment.

Did you ASK? I asked my mother (not my MIL) to help with our kids after they were born. My MIL helped my SIL when her kids were born. I’m not offended that she didn’t offer to do the same for me - I didn’t ask her to do so.