Thoughts on grandparents paying private school tuition for one grandchild and not others

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I see what you mean- I have been pondering this myself. My in-laws watch one set of grandkids and we are pregnant with our first and they have not offered the same to us. Even watching the baby 1 day a week would save us so much money and it hurts that one set of grandkids gets this financial burden lifted off of them and have a loving grandparent to watch this part time. My husband doesn't think things necessarily have to be "fair" but it makes me want to try to be fair across all my future grandkids because it does breed resentment.

Did you ASK? I asked my mother (not my MIL) to help with our kids after they were born. My MIL helped my SIL when her kids were born. I’m not offended that she didn’t offer to do the same for me - I didn’t ask her to do so.

Many people on here don't want MILs helping. It would be strange for your mother to help you with a newborn, but not your sister, unless she had a bad relationship with your sister or played favorites.

[Anonymous]

My in-laws did this- three adult children each with multiple children that they were putting through private school. One grandchild always had her tuition paid by an anonymous donor. We all thought it was very strange. Upon my in-laws deaths (killed together in a horrible boat accident), the principal revealed that tuition had been paid for the last several years by my in-laws. It didn’t completely surprise us because they played favorites but not very nice either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: The child has no special needs and the grandparents were at one point estranged from the parent of said child. It isn't that this adult child went above and beyond helping them to somehow ear hundreds of thousands of dollars of free tuition over the years for the grandchild. Other grandchildren are doing well in public school, but this one sibling wanted fancy things for her child. It's their money to do as they please, but just making clear it is not that this adult child did anything to earn special treatment and funding or that there are special circumstances that require private school. They did not see this grandchild more than they saw their other grandchildren.

I take the higher road and feel it's their money to do as they please, but I can't help but also find it distasteful and I will never do this with my own kids unless a grandchild has significant learning issues, medical problems or emotional problems. I do see it as a form of playing favorites. I don't see it as worthy of bringing up because again, their money, their choices. It is not my place to expect handouts, but I do feel what they are doing is unfair. My brother is downright pissed and may confront them.

You said it yourself. Their money, their choice. It's not your business whether or not someone "earned" this. I think you feel your child deserves the same amount whether or not you care to admit it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: The child has no special needs and the grandparents were at one point estranged from the parent of said child. It isn't that this adult child went above and beyond helping them to somehow ear hundreds of thousands of dollars of free tuition over the years for the grandchild. Other grandchildren are doing well in public school, but this one sibling wanted fancy things for her child. It's their money to do as they please, but just making clear it is not that this adult child did anything to earn special treatment and funding or that there are special circumstances that require private school. They did not see this grandchild more than they saw their other grandchildren.

I take the higher road and feel it's their money to do as they please, but I can't help but also find it distasteful and I will never do this with my own kids unless a grandchild has significant learning issues, medical problems or emotional problems. I do see it as a form of playing favorites. I don't see it as worthy of bringing up because again, their money, their choices. It is not my place to expect handouts, but I do feel what they are doing is unfair. My brother is downright pissed and may confront them.

You said it yourself. Their money, their choice. It's not your business whether or not someone "earned" this. I think you feel your child deserves the same amount whether or not you care to admit it.

Why wouldn’t her child deserve the same amount?

[Anonymous]

Question: How do you even KNOW about this arrangement?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think there are circumstances you don’t know about.

What would they be? My sister earns a lot of money and gets some child support from her ex. The child is a good student, well-adjusted and makes friends easily. They chose private school because the public school closeby was not great. She could afford to move to a different neighborhood, but didn't want to. If anything the daughter has become more entitled than the rest of the grandchildren possibly because she is more pampered. My brother is pissed because he and his wife could have used a handout for some of his son's hospital bills.

You are a textbook HATER

[Anonymous]

HATER
HATER
HATER
HATER
HATER
HATER

[Anonymous]

You sound bitter. This poor kid just had their world torn apart in a divorce, and you think your sister should uproot her and move to a different neighborhood for the schools? They had probably planned on private school all along, but now can’t afford it after the divorce, so her parents are helping out. Are your kids struggling in a bad public school? You seem to be doing fine the way things are, so don’t stick your nose in other people’s business.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s super odd when grandparents pay tuition in general. I can’t imagine allowing my parents to help provide for the children we have.

Agree with this- it's basically saying "well it didn't work for YOU, so we will try to raise a grandchild who isn't a LOSER".

I say more power to brother for asking. Call them on it- it's their $$ but let them know they aren't getting away with it and everyone is aware that they basically either think that one child is a loser, or they favor that grandchild, or both.

[Anonymous]

They are making amends for the years they were estranged from your sister. This isn’t unusual at all. I doubt this is the first time they’ve played favorites, this is just the first time you’re so bothered by it that you acknowledge it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: The child has no special needs and the grandparents were at one point estranged from the parent of said child. It isn't that this adult child went above and beyond helping them to somehow ear hundreds of thousands of dollars of free tuition over the years for the grandchild. Other grandchildren are doing well in public school, but this one sibling wanted fancy things for her child. It's their money to do as they please, but just making clear it is not that this adult child did anything to earn special treatment and funding or that there are special circumstances that require private school. They did not see this grandchild more than they saw their other grandchildren.

I take the higher road and feel it's their money to do as they please, but I can't help but also find it distasteful and I will never do this with my own kids unless a grandchild has significant learning issues, medical problems or emotional problems. I do see it as a form of playing favorites. I don't see it as worthy of bringing up because again, their money, their choices. It is not my place to expect handouts, but I do feel what they are doing is unfair. My brother is downright pissed and may confront them.

You said it yourself. Their money, their choice. It's not your business whether or not someone "earned" this. I think you feel your child deserves the same amount whether or not you care to admit it.

Of course she does! Who wouldn’t?

This is the equivalent of grandparents giving a car as a Christmas present to one grandchild and sweaters to the others. Yes, you can scream that it’s their money and their CHOICE until you’re blue in the face. That doesn’t negate the fact that generally in families there’s an expectation that grandparents care about all of their children and grandchildren. Blatant favoritism like this causes resentment. It’s bad for the non-favored children (and their parents) BUT it’s also bad for the favored child in that it sets her apart from her family. This is especially harmful for an only child.

Basically, yes, it’s the grandparents right to make this choice. It’s still a stupid choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh well. The world ain’t fair and no one deserves a handout. Your sister got lucky and you didn’t. That’s what it comes down to.

Not really.

The lesson here is about what not to do when you’re a grandparent and to be conscious of how disparate treatment is hurtful to families.

[Anonymous]

I know numerous families with a dynamic where the parents provide disproportionate attention/childcare/money to their most screwed up child (and the grandchildren in that household), and don’t even try to hide it because they’re confident that their other children are doing just fine and that everyone recognizes that the most screwed up kid needs the most help. OP, the silver lining here is that your parents view you as a competent adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know numerous families with a dynamic where the parents provide disproportionate attention/childcare/money to their most screwed up child (and the grandchildren in that household), and don’t even try to hide it because they’re confident that their other children are doing just fine and that everyone recognizes that the most screwed up kid needs the most help. OP, the silver lining here is that your parents view you as a competent adult.

I know what you mean, but this is different. OP’s sister sounds like a functional adult with a good job, and the niece sounds like a regular well adjusted kid. The only mark against her is the divorce, which can happen even when people aren’t screwed up.

If I was the brother facing high medical bills for my child, it would piss me off to see my parents going out of their way to provide a luxury to my sister’s child while offering nothing to my sick child.

[Anonymous]

You don’t know everything, OP. I’m guessing there is some sort of “invisible” disability.