Thoughts on grandparents paying private school tuition for one grandchild and not others

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not your money, not your business.

I think parents who do this are asking for resentments to build and feeding family disharmony. We can all do as we chose with out money. I chose to give to charity. I chose to spend the same amount on gifts to my children and put the same amount in their 529s. If you chose to be grossly unequal with gifts, you chose to create problems. If I spend $500 on one kid for a birthday and $20 on the other I would be making a pretty obnoxious choice as opposed to if I spend $20 on both. When there is inequality people have a right to judge you and feel hurt.

Its not a problem but don't expect the child getting less to take care of you when you are old. My family is like that. Now when they need something I remind them to call my sibling (who does nothing which creates more issues but their choice).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's their money to do as they please --- True. They will likely sour or destroy their relationship with other Grandchildren. They are free to do this.

I do feel what they are doing is unfair --- Yes. Obvious that it's unfair. No special insight needed.

My brother is downright pissed and may confront them --- Ok. If he does, that's between them. "Confront" is always an odd word choice though, btw.

Leave it alone. If they cared, they would give him money for the college fund or other stuff. They are probably buying that child's love and relationship.

[Anonymous]

Oh well. The world ain’t fair and no one deserves a handout. Your sister got lucky and you didn’t. That’s what it comes down to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not your money, not your business.

I think parents who do this are asking for resentments to build and feeding family disharmony. We can all do as we chose with out money. I chose to give to charity. I chose to spend the same amount on gifts to my children and put the same amount in their 529s. If you chose to be grossly unequal with gifts, you chose to create problems. If I spend $500 on one kid for a birthday and $20 on the other I would be making a pretty obnoxious choice as opposed to if I spend $20 on both. When there is inequality people have a right to judge you and feel hurt.

I agree with this. Of course they can do whatever they wish with their money. But it is not without consequences if the appearance of inequity arises. My FIL paid for one grandchild’s college education and not the others’. We notice and can’t help but feel resentful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think there are circumstances you don’t know about.

What would they be? My sister earns a lot of money and gets some child support from her ex. The child is a good student, well-adjusted and makes friends easily. They chose private school because the public school closeby was not great. She could afford to move to a different neighborhood, but didn't want to. If anything the daughter has become more entitled than the rest of the grandchildren possibly because she is more pampered. My brother is pissed because he and his wife could have used a handout for some of his son's hospital bills.

Is your sister the only one who divorced? Maybe they wanted to do something special for the only grandchild who has divorced parents?

OP here. Yes, she is. This is not a case of cheating or terrible behavior, at least on his part. She has always had trouble getting along with people and is highly manipulative with a superiority complex. She didn't get along with my parents either for many years. When it comes to assistance when parents have needed it for surgeries, etc that has come from my brother and me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think there are circumstances you don’t know about.

What would they be? My sister earns a lot of money and gets some child support from her ex. The child is a good student, well-adjusted and makes friends easily. They chose private school because the public school closeby was not great. She could afford to move to a different neighborhood, but didn't want to. If anything the daughter has become more entitled than the rest of the grandchildren possibly because she is more pampered. My brother is pissed because he and his wife could have used a handout for some of his son's hospital bills.

Is your sister the only one who divorced? Maybe they wanted to do something special for the only grandchild who has divorced parents?

OP here. Yes, she is. This is not a case of cheating or terrible behavior, at least on his part. She has always had trouble getting along with people and is highly manipulative with a superiority complex. She didn't get along with my parents either for many years. When it comes to assistance when parents have needed it for surgeries, etc that has come from my brother and me.

Oh. I’d think this may be their way of making sure they stay in this grandchild’s life (despite a rocky relationship their daughter). If daughter wants tuition $$$ she has to play nice- and also a way to ensure that if relationship with their daughter goes sour, it will be undeniable that grandma and grandpa cared very much for him/her- despite what mom might say.

Hopefully this is made up to other grandkids in the future, in some way. But even if not, I don’t see it as a hill to die on. It is their money, and it sounds like their DD is a bit difficult and they know it very well- and see this as a sure fire way to keep grandchild in the family fold.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think there are circumstances you don’t know about.

What would they be? My sister earns a lot of money and gets some child support from her ex. The child is a good student, well-adjusted and makes friends easily. They chose private school because the public school closeby was not great. She could afford to move to a different neighborhood, but didn't want to. If anything the daughter has become more entitled than the rest of the grandchildren possibly because she is more pampered. My brother is pissed because he and his wife could have used a handout for some of his son's hospital bills.

Maybe your sister asked - have you?

[Anonymous]

My thoughts are that it’s a strange choice. The grandparents are inviting resentment into their family.

If this was my family I would set very good boundaries so that I didn’t feel taken advantage of. For example, if grandparents wanted more visits or help with certain things, I would be inclined to direct them to the favored sibling. It is what it is, and I’d do my best to protect my heart.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like there are some sad family dynamics going on here.

But you are framing this in terms of your sister receiving things that you and your brother aren't. Isn't this about your niece more than your sister? Would you are your brother prefer to send your kids to private school? Have you asked for help?

If you focus on this being about helping your niece who has had her life upended by divorce and has a difficult mother (from your description), it might be easier to swallow the perceived favoritism.

[Anonymous]

I think it’s super odd when grandparents pay tuition in general. I can’t imagine allowing my parents to help provide for the children we have.

[Anonymous]

So...you're mad because a sibling wanted private school for his/her child and asked your parents for money. You, however, don't want private school for your child/ren so you didn't ask. I fail to see the problem. You each got what you wanted.

[Anonymous]

You obviously have a lot of resentment towards your sister, and a huge sense of entitlement. Your brother is even worse if he’s going to confront them about not getting the cash thinks he is owed.

The only reason to look into somebody else’s bowl is to make sure that they have enough. Get your nose out of your sister’s bowl.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not your money, not your business.

I agree 100%. That being said, choices have consequences. When the grandparents need someone to wipe their butt for them a few years down the line the daughter that's getting the tuition payments can be responsible for elder care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think there are circumstances you don’t know about.

What would they be? My sister earns a lot of money and gets some child support from her ex. The child is a good student, well-adjusted and makes friends easily. They chose private school because the public school closeby was not great. She could afford to move to a different neighborhood, but didn't want to. If anything the daughter has become more entitled than the rest of the grandchildren possibly because she is more pampered. My brother is pissed because he and his wife could have used a handout for some of his son's hospital bills.

Is your sister the only one who divorced? Maybe they wanted to do something special for the only grandchild who has divorced parents?

OP here. Yes, she is. This is not a case of cheating or terrible behavior, at least on his part. She has always had trouble getting along with people and is highly manipulative with a superiority complex. She didn't get along with my parents either for many years. When it comes to assistance when parents have needed it for surgeries, etc that has come from my brother and me.

OP, you should stop providing them with that assistance and direct them toward your sister. You reap what you sow.

[Anonymous]

I see what you mean- I have been pondering this myself. My in-laws watch one set of grandkids and we are pregnant with our first and they have not offered the same to us. Even watching the baby 1 day a week would save us so much money and it hurts that one set of grandkids gets this financial burden lifted off of them and have a loving grandparent to watch this part time. My husband doesn't think things necessarily have to be "fair" but it makes me want to try to be fair across all my future grandkids because it does breed resentment.