Reply to Thoughts on grandparents paying private school tuition for one grandchild and not others

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Reply to "Thoughts on grandparents paying private school tuition for one grandchild and not others"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]You sound bitter. This poor kid just had their world torn apart in a divorce, and you think your sister should uproot her and move to a different neighborhood for the schools? They had probably planned on private school all along, but now can’t afford it after the divorce, so her parents are helping out. Are your kids struggling in a bad public school? You seem to be doing fine the way things are, so don’t stick your nose in other people’s business.[/quote]

OP here. The divorce happened when the child was a toddler. My sister makes more money than any of us. She can more than afford private school or a move, but she prefers to spend it on trips, jewelry for herself and other extras. I didn't stick my nose into her business. At Thanksgiving, when we announced what we are thankful for, my niece said she was thankful for our generous parents paying for private school and my sister jumped in and thanked them as well. My brother asked our sister more about this funding privately and yep, every year they pay for private school. She was proud of it. One of my kids did OT, PT and ST for years and could have benefited from a SN private school early on though, but we did not even consider it due to expense. We hired advocates over the years and made the public school work well over time and now after years of therapies, etc the issues are considered mild. If my niece has issues they are certainly more mild than our child's were early on. Both our kids are happy at public though. My brother's son had significant medical issues at birth and it caused them financial hardship to pay. This is coming to a head now because my brother was furloughed and my parents know. His wife lost her job. Nobody is running to their rescue. Nobody has explained why one adult child was favored and yes, it is hurtful. I said I take the high road with them. I don't my brother's idea of confronting them will do any good and I don't want a big fight over money. I do see this is something I will not do with my own kids unless there are significant issues that warrant it (like medical issues or disability) and I will explain or try to make things equal. I honestly wish I did not know about this. It had not even occurred to me they would ever do this because they even shared a story years ago of their friends' adult child asking for private school funding for the grandkids and how entitled that is. I still love my parents, but I am being honest in saying it causes resentment toward them and my sister.[/quote]

A few thoughts:
1. The grandparents likely have no idea that their granddaughters shared with the wider family that they are paying her tuition. The grandparents may view that as a private matter between them and the granddaughter’s parents.  So they would have no idea that this is causing a rift.
2. Perhaps you and your brother could consider asking your parents for help financially if and where it is. I don’t see anything in this thread indicating that your parents would say no, or in anyway play favorites when a child comes to them asking for help.
3. Grandparents paying tuition is often a vehicle for tax savings.  tuition payments are carved out from gift limits so this may be something they are taking into account.
4. Who knows if the grandparents are equalizing gifts given during their lifetimes with gifts given upon their death? If they have not shared their broader estate plan, which is their choice to do or not, why would anyone do this as being preferential?  my parents gave my sister substantial funds when she had needs.  At least my mom, who has since died, gave me what was essentially an equalizing payment through her well. I never would have known this until my mom died.

You seem to know a limited amount of what the Grandparents are doing with their money, having no idea what is in their estate planning, and I making judgments about them and their daughter on that basis. grandparents are doing with their money on that basis.  You and your brother are upset that grandparents gave a gift to one of their children when I asked for it, but it appears you have not asked for any such gift.  and you seem to think that it should be publicly addressed among family members when a parent helps a child or grandchild. Maybe the grandparents simply view it as a private matter, not feeling that it is needed to justify how they choose to spend their money.
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